Learning to Fly (1057 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: uberbook
Rating: 2 on 23 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Snark << snarkk.at.gmail.com (View user info) at 2004-09-14 16:11:35 EDT
Everyone has dreamt of flying, of soaring through the sky like a bird without a care in the world. Besides falling or running without moving, it might be the most shared dream in the world.
The ultimate freedom.
Yeah right...
My name is Snarkopolous Twitt and about a year ago I realized I could fly.
I wish I could recount exactly how I developed the ability but its origin remains a mystery to me. All I know is one warm July day last year I was walking through the park with my girlfriend and somehow I just knew I could do it. I stopped, looked up at the blue expanse of cloudless sky above me and instinctively knew if I wanted to I could launch myself into it like a rocket.
I turned and gave Tannis a wink and said "Watch this" then simply left the ground and shot straight up.
About twenty feet up the pupil of my left eye intercepted a hornet and my whole world exploded into a black and yellow ball of furiously buzzing pain. Looking back on it now I could swear for a split second I saw a look of shock on its buggy face before it collided with the 200lbs of skinny white guy invading its airspace. My memories of what happened next are a bit fuzzy but I must have performed some inadvertent aerial acrobatics because the park bench I crashed into (dislocating my shoulder and cracking three ribs) was nowhere near where I took off from.
Thank god I missed the 200 square feet of soft grass surrounding it.
I never did find my keys or my cell phone.
We didn't say much to each other during the ride to the hospital. I was dealing with the extreme discomfort of my embarrassment plus injured ribs, rapidly swelling eye and bruised taint (don't ask) while Tannis did her best to deal with the realization that her boyfriend is a freak of nature.
Half an hour later she dropped me at the emergency entrance and drove off to find a parking space. I never saw her or my car again but that's OK cuz I picked up a new girlfriend that very day. Her name is "Misfortune" and she never leaves my side. She's a very generous lover and often shares me with her lovely sisters, "Pain" and "Suffering"
My new girlfriend's also a bitch but that goes without saying.
After 45 excruciating minutes in the waiting room I finally got to see a doctor. He poked, I groaned. He prodded, I yelped. He looked at me with raised eyebrow and asked "How did you do this to yourself son?"
I looked him with my one good eye and gave him my most earnest response "I flew into a park bench"
"Off your bike?"
"No. I was flying"
"Hanglider?"
"No. I was flying"
With unveiled skepticism he began to check my vitals for telltale signs of narcotic influence but was interrupted when a loud bang from just outside the emergency room startled me and I rocketed straight up and punched my head through the ceiling tile.
I guess the ladies had decided it was time for a foursome.
Eight stitches an eye patch and a slight concussion later the doctor said "You're going to need this" and handed me his home number.
I spent the following three weeks recovering and preparing myself mentally for another attempt. To say I was nervous when the day came is an understatement. In truth, I was fucking terrified. I mean I had done some pretty grievous damage to myself plus lost my girlfriend and my car as a result of less than 30 seconds of flight time...
I was scared but I'd had plenty of time to think things through, to strategize... to prepare.
This time was going to be different.
I stood on the pebble beach of the lake I had driven to with a friends borrowed car and went through the checklist I had prepared in my mind.
Motorcycle Helmet.... Check
Gloves... Check
Four Layers of Clothing... Check
Pillow Strapped to Ass... Big Fucking Roger
Secure in the confidence of my genius preparations and the fact I had left the ladies far behind, I once again tilted my head towards the sky and left the ground behind.
For about 10 minutes it was the most incredible experience of my life. I was a human rocket, a hurtling meteor of flesh and bone propelled through the air by sheer will.
I was an airborne idiot.
After a short while the helmet on my head was becoming uncomfortably heavy and my neck began to complain from the unaccustomed strain. The realization that my first successful test flight was coming to an end hit me at about the same time as the realizations that:
1 - I didn't know how to land.
2 - Gravity is the gay cousin of Misfortune and her sisters
3 - I have one speed (Really Fast)
Well I guess I have to two speeds: Flying and Not Flying.
Unfortunately floating is not an option. I simply don't have the ability. I have since learned how to land by flying in the opposite direction of my momentum until it has cancelled itself out. I look goofy as hell landing backwards all the time but it works.
That is not a technique I had perfected at the time of my first test run however so I did the only thing I could think of. I ditched in the lake.
Well I tried to anyways...
My mind since has been full of all the "should haves" and "could haves" anyone could imagine. Nevertheless here's what did happen.
I tilted my head down and approached the lake at an angle that I felt would best cushion my entrance into its icy depths without plunging me to the bottom. With my best Kamikaze yell I hit the surface of the lake expecting to be instantly enclosed in its frigid wet embrace but instead skipped across it like a flat rock to crash into the loving arms of my girlfriend and her sisters.
I came too awhile later to the painful realization that I had broken an ankle, a wrist and more ribs. The pain was excruciating but I was somehow able to think clearly.
There was no way I was walking back to the car and even if I did I couldn't drive.
I was going to have to fly to the hospital...
I'll spare you the horrible details of my return flight. Suffice to say that lighting doesn't have to hit you to fuck you up. It just has to come close.
2 days later a Janitor went to the roof of the hospital for a cigarette break and found my whimpering charred body. By the time he found me I had become delirious from the constant attention of "Pain" and "Suffering" because apparently I kept yelling the same thing over and over again as they packed me off to surgery.
"Leave me alone Bitches!"
Despite it all I have spent the last month and a half since the torturous process of my partial recovery practicing flying again and I'm getting pretty good.
I know what you're saying... "When will this Fucktard learn?" Hell I've said it to myself about a million times. But you see... I have no choice. The return flight to the hospital left me paralyzed from the neck down. Even now I am typing this using a tongue operated stylus connected to a computer at my home.
I have to perfect my flying skill.
It's all I have left.
So keep your eyes to the sky my friends. If you see a head go flying by, legs and arms flapping uselessly behind in the breeze, say a quick prayer for me.
I figure I have about a week to live.
It's time to go.
The ladies are waiting.
User Reviews
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-12-07 18:16:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jungle_Jimanee (user info) at 2005-05-31 06:23:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2004-12-16 15:24:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have to spend a whole day reading all your work.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-11-16 14:13:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ramona <sismo12345.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-10-11 18:05:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hi its me,
Your biggest fan, well the one you know anyways. I loved it you rock all right. I've said it before and will say it again, Submit your writing to be published, I'm positive it will be published. I have read lots of books, you have a way with words buddy you should go for it. Anyways talk to you later. Ramona
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2004-10-07 14:13:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No comment necessary, I'll just continue laughing.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-10-07 14:02:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is greatness.
Submitted by Jadey at 2004-09-15 12:36:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love the sisters and the gay cousin!
Names like mine (italisized) are not registered useres so the vote doesn't count. I've noticed that Random Joe goes around minus 2 ppl so I'd say he must have been pleased with snarkopolous! :)
Submitted by kabigon (user info) at 2004-09-15 08:44:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-09-15 08:37:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is IT, I am pissed! I miss Mattaius! And this is so obviously a big fat shennanigany post! I know you wear glasses and as we are all aware, they will repel a hornet. Grr!
Oh and this little detail:
stood on the pebble beach of the lake I had driven to with a friends borrowed car
made me laugh like a medication deprived sociopath
Snarkopolous Twitt indeed!
Submitted by PatheticCapitalistFuck (user info) at 2004-09-15 02:15:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fuck
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-09-15 02:05:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Suffice to say that lighting doesn't have to hit you to fuck you up. It just has to come close.
I was an airborne idiot.
skipped across it like a flat rock to crash into the loving arms of my girlfriend and her sisters.
_______________
Fuck. Just.. fuck. You have the gift. This was awesome, and if there were a rating higher than this lousy 2 I'd give it to you in a second. You rock.
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2004-09-14 23:31:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This post makes me happy.
Submitted by Pingu (user info) at 2004-09-14 19:03:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've always been fond of the term 'taint' ever since I heard it on SNL. My friends call it a 'gooch', but that is ever so crude. The term 'taint' has a certain elegance that I can't help but love. Fly on.
Submitted by ScoutCJustice (user info) at 2004-09-14 18:57:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Greatness.
Submitted by indepth25 (user info) at 2004-09-14 18:03:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok I must say you made this good man, and I will not boo you like I promised hahahaha
Submitted by screamfeeder (user info) at 2004-09-14 17:58:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Comment
Submitted by Xena (user info) at 2004-09-14 17:49:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't believe some fucktard gave this a 0 rating! it was awesome, but when aren't your stories?
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-09-14 16:46:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice twist on an old standard.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-09-14 16:40:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Meh bird.
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-09-14 16:28:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha, good stuff.
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2004-09-14 16:23:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Leave me alone Bitches!"
I have had this dream many many times.
I loved it.
Submitted by estupid (user info) at 2004-09-14 16:14:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When is an outlaw neither left-handed nor right-handed?
When he's red-handed.