A Gun in Hand and a Smile Cheek to Cheek (660 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.38 on 12 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by CaptainAmik (View user info) at 2004-09-15 01:09:05 EDT
*BANG* *BANG*
Two shots rang as loud as thunder, everyone in the bar silenced and looked for the cause of the noise, the thumping bass went dead and a circle slowly opened up on the dance floor.
One man standing and one lifeless body lay in a pool of crimson, slowly increasing in diameter, no one moved; people in the crowd dared not breathe. Slowly the man looked around in a slow circle, maybe it finally dawned on him where he was and what he had done. His bleached blonde hair looked an odd shade of purple under the black lights that ran all over the ceiling of the bar. The body of a girl lay at his feet, her eyes wide with terror, her white shirt slowly changing the same hue as the floor.
I sat there at my bar table jaw agape, I wanted to drink my beer and get the cottonmouth before it made me gag, yet I still couldn't raise my bottle. You could see the crowd getting increasingly nervous as his mouth moved and inaudible words barely escaped.
Sounds of sirens could be heard now, you would figure that would bring relief to the half-dazed dance bar, yet still in a state of fear no one rejoiced. Soft weeping from some in the crowd was beginning to become more and more apparent. We were all hostages now, hostages of a man, maybe intent with one death, and then again, maybe he was just getting started.
A larger person in the front near the crowd, one of those muscle bound guys who would have loved to be a hero moved and shuffled a girl near the front behind him.
*Bang*
The man with the gun with unmoving eyes and no more sign of emotion shot him in the chest, a grunt, the sound of him falling to the floor were all that could be heard over a fanatical group who were so close to the incident.
I looked over across the table and saw my friends' eyes; he was scared, his pupils small and quivering, the group on the dance floor all sat, couched and lay on the ground now, no one wanting a repeat for a similar movement. We were further away but fairly certain that our movements were noted, palms wet with sweat, the beer in my hand felt as if it were hot enough to boil over.
Bouncers were around, most standing away from the floor, but I am sure that any training they had would help them dodge a bullet. Sounds from upstairs, heavy footsteps, ten, maybe more people moved as if they had a purpose. There were only three entrances to the downstairs of the bar; two of them were at the gunman's back.
The gunman took a step towards the body of the girl, her white shirt red, her eyes still wide. The sound of his footsteps sounded as velcro tearing apart, the blood half dry tearing away from the floor, every time his foot came down a slight gush could be heard, pins could be heard since now upstairs was deadly silent. He kneeled over and picked up her hand, it looked as if he was removing a bracelet or a ring. He stood up and held his prize up to the light, a ring, the diamond in it reflected the purplish lights from above. His next movement perplexed me, he took the ring and placed it in his mouth like a gumdrop, a quick swallow and the look of accomplishment covered his face. He raised the fun to his temple, his mouth made a few more small movements and a smile as if he had just won gold in the olympics graced his face.
*Bang*
His body hit the ground, more screams, boots scrambling down the stairs, everyone took a breath, but no one would ever be able to erase what they has just witnessed, a man with a gun and a smile cheek to cheek.
User Reviews
Submitted by CaptainAmik (user info) at 2004-09-15 11:37:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
nah icarus it's all good, it's a formula that why I chose it, something that you know can be improved on. As said, I can do a whole hell of a lot more with this, probably could make it, 5-6 parts who knows, I just needed to get back into writing creatively. With all the people getting mad and leaving and so many writers hitting the bricks, might as well step up.
Submitted by runninginplace (user info) at 2004-09-15 10:21:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2004-09-15 08:18:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
All I'm saying is show don't tell. The murder/suicide reality tv type story has been done so often it's a formula.
A. Man shoots wife/girlfriend.
B. Man takes ring/kisses her lips.
C. Man shoots self.
Problem is, right off the bat, even if you wanted to develop the characters, you'd need to either ditch the facil narrator or turn him/her into some sort of investigator/biographer (again, it's been done.) Then you're going to need to develop the plot and, if the man is to be an anti-hero of some sort, create a reasonable explanation as per why he shot her. Now, my guess is, per the formula, she cheated on him. Thing is that it's hard to make a good character, one the audience can empathize with (and justify wasting the time to read about), unless he has better reasoning than that (or unless you're awfully good at tracking his mental processes.) Problem is, unless you're portraying him as some sort of derelict, it's hard to come up with a valid reason for killing someone unless violence was already involved. Did she, perhaps, kill his entire family with an ice pick and then serve them to Baptists? Was he a bounty hunter or contract killer and she his last mark? Seems doubtful given her doe-like description and the general thoughtless, murderous glaze you've painted over him.
Anyways, not to crap on your work. You had some interesting imagery. Nuff said.
Submitted by CoreaPeekay (user info) at 2004-09-15 04:58:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2004-09-15 01:41:56 (#)
Ranking: 0
meh... the characters feel cardboard, unexplored, and undeveloped, and the narrator 'character' is really just a facile and almost completely unnescessary. All in all, some interesting use of imagery, but otherwise uninventive. Feels more like emotional vomiting/venting than an attempt at a story. Still, Anne Rice makes a good living writing staple-gun plots and cardboard characters, so who knows, this could be a gold mine.
^ well this guy could very easily start a story with such a thing. I mean, its got alot of possibilities if maybe say he would follow the people's day up until the point, kind of flashback or backtrack or something that I can't manage to say at this time.
Submitted by PWNstar (user info) at 2004-09-15 03:18:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fucking amazing
Submitted by Caldur (user info) at 2004-09-15 02:23:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainAmik (user info) at 2004-09-15 02:16:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I thought I'd give something new a chance, looks like it's better than my past crap
Submitted by PatheticCapitalistFuck (user info) at 2004-09-15 02:03:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
shit, i'm impressed....
Plan on doing more?
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2004-09-15 01:41:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
meh... the characters feel cardboard, unexplored, and undeveloped, and the narrator 'character' is really just a facile and almost completely unnescessary. All in all, some interesting use of imagery, but otherwise uninventive. Feels more like emotional vomiting/venting than an attempt at a story. Still, Anne Rice makes a good living writing staple-gun plots and cardboard characters, so who knows, this could be a gold mine.
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2004-09-15 01:39:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Exactly what I thought, shadow.
Tarantino style.
Submitted by shadowdragon (user info) at 2004-09-15 01:24:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
feels like the start of a movie.
* cut to title sequence / opening credits *
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2004-09-15 01:20:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow. *looks at user info* Where did that come from?
Excellent job.