Xenon defends his property...vigilante style (790 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 2 on 13 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <xenon> (View user info) at 2004-09-15 14:40:57 EDT
My parents went on vacation to Florida when I was 17 and left me at home. I just stayed home because I didn't want to go. I wasn't in trouble or anything.
I had roughly one week alone in the house. My friend (see previous Adventures at Bud's posts) was going to get dropped off by his parents on their way back from Florida to spend the night at my house on Sunday.
All was going well. One evening around 9, I was sitting at my computer upstairs in my room that faces the front of the house and the road. At the time, we lived in a quiet neighborhood with very little traffic or odd happenings. I heard the doorbell ring.
This was unusual in itself, because we never got surprise visits from anyone, and everyone knocked instead of using the doorbell. Upon hearing the doorbell, I heard someone panting or hyperventilating at the door so I looked through the mini-blinds to see some chubby teenager running full-speed towards the road. There was a little compact car parked there with some other people in it. I watched him run hysterically, and I was confused.
About the time they pulled out of sight, I realized that he was doing the old ring-the-doorbell-and-run joke. "How lame," I thought as I went back to my computer chuckling quietly to myself.
Saturday night: I was sitting on my floor watching TV. Doorbell rang again. I jumped to the window this time. I saw that it's a skinnier chap this time. The vehicle was a Suburban parked in our cul-de-sac facing into the cul-de-sac. I watched as the doofus climbed quickly back into the SUV and they maneuvered the vehicle in and out of a nearby driveway to turn around and drive off. The whole process of turning around took about 45 seconds. Obviously, these guys were amateurs.
At this point, I was getting annoyed.
Sunday night: I left the house in the evening to go to a get-together. I was coming home about 8 PM. It was already dark since it's January. As I neared the curve in front of my house, I could see headlights reflecting off the garage door. My first thought was, "Woah, my parents are home a day early!" They would never come home early from a vacation without telling me. As I began to see more of my property, I could see it was a Land Rover parked in the driveway. I could also see two figures getting into the passenger side of the vehicle. Finally, I could see the entire property, and there was TP all over the place...in the trees, in the bushes, on the vehicles. My adrenaline immediately consumed my bloodstream. I stomped the pedal on my '88 Ford Taurus (which, consequently didn't do anything), and came screeching to the end of the driveway right as the Land Rover noticed I was there. The brake lights on the SUV quickly engaged. I threw open my car door and started advancing toward their vehicle. I could see their silhouettes looking every way as they panicked on what to do. I had them blocked from leaving the driveway. I got to the hood of my car when they wised up and made tracks across my lawn and back into the street. I knew they were scared shitless. Of course, I was mad shitless.
I immediately went inside, ducking under the syran wrap stretched between our front porch pillars, and called the police.
The two kind officers showed up promptly and took a report. They even helped my get rid of the syran wrap and TP. They said that the same thing had happened to three of four other houses over the last few nights too. They said it was probably some kids in town for some church convention or something. Yeah, some Christians. (but I can't prove they were from there)
Soooo, revenge...
I simmered in my room with the lights off clutching a baseball bat plotting and just waiting for those bastards to come by and try some more shit. I had only been sitting in the window for about 20 minutes when a big Chevy dually truck actually pulled into my driveway. Bingo!
I hunkered down in the window as a guy stepped out of the back. It was my stupid friend. His parents bought a new truck in Florida. Stupid rich people.
Still not thinking straight, I stepped onto the front porch with only a pair of shorts on (in January in Georgia) and a baseball bat in my hand. His mom looked at me like I was crazy and asked what I was doing with the bat. I came to my senses and helped him bring his stuff into the house. All the while, I kept looking at the street not carrying things with my right hand so I didn't have to put the bat down. Just in case.
After his parents left, I told him the whole story. We devised a few plans. We decided to park my car down the street in a big church parking lot and wait. There were only two ways to go by my house. Either way, they'd have to go by that church. I remembered the vehicle very clearly, so I knew it wouldn't be hard to spot it. Especially with four knuckleheads in it.
We loaded up in the Taurus with my trusty Easton aluminum bat and a crowbar. We didn't need no stinking guns. We would be content waiting all night under blankets to keep warm if necessary. Our plan was to wait until about 3AM and then start casing the town looking for that vehicle. The town wasn't enormous, and I grew up there, so it wasn't that impossible of a task. Plus, it was definitely a unique vehicle in our area.
After 45 minutes of waiting, our little friends pulled onto the street we were watching. As they passed us, we slowly entered the road behind them. Our first thought was to follow them for as long as possible and see if they stopped somewhere. As they slowed in front of my house, our cover was blown. They eventually stopped and noticed my car behind them since we stopped right underneath a street light. Doh! Oh well, no turning back now. They stepped on the gas to get away, and I was right behind them. We ended up chasing them down some dark country roads for about 15 minutes when they made a mistake. They turned into a subdivision that I knew, but apparently they didn't. It was a dead-end. I stayed right on their butts so they couldn't turn around. Once they saw the end of the road, they slowed down real quick. I knew we had them at this point. They couldn't turn around, and there were no lawns to run over and get away in their luxury SUV.
I stopped the car and got out. I walked up casually to the driver's door while my friend went to the passenger side. As I approached the door, I could see the fear in the driver's face looking into the side-view mirror. I kept my distance as I looked into the window to catch my first glimpse of the tormentor of my abode. The driver was a kid I practically grew up with. We went to the same school through eighth grade, and hadn't spoken since. The same story went for two of the passengers in the vehicle too. The driver glared at me with defiance, almost daring me to do what I had come to do. Not one to disappoint anyone, I swiftly whacked the side-view mirror from the driver's door. They all started yelling and cursing at that. The driver started to get out to defend his property, but I slammed my bat into the door frame to let him know he better not. He rolls down his window and starts yelling at me to stop.
"You fucked with me for the last three days. You should have thought about the consequences before you decided to mess with me," I replied.
At this point, my friend and I broke the headlights and taillights. We decided to stop there as they had certainly learned their lesson by now. Plus, he'd have to explain to Mommy and Daddy why all the stuff was broken on the truck, but there was no body damage besides the door. Can't blame that on a wreck.
As we got ready to leave, I got right up in the driver's window and said, "Next time you want to vandalize and annoy someone, pick someone else, Motherfucker!" I could see his bottom lip quivering as I turned to go back to my car.
We quickly raced home and sat up the rest of the night awaiting a return strike. It never came.
We even went by the punk's house the next week and saw the Rover sitting in the driveway repaired with a "For Sale" sign on it.
Sideburns is right...revenge IS a dish best served cold.
User Reviews
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-10-11 10:50:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2004-09-16 08:34:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all week. And stay tuned for my friend Argon and Sulfur coming up.
Submitted by sublime (user info) at 2004-09-15 19:57:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
LIEK UR MY FAV ELEMNET ON TEH PEDRIODIC TABEL!
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2004-09-15 19:06:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Should have slapped around the punks who did it also though. maybe burn of their eyebrows.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-09-15 16:53:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oh dear
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-09-15 16:50:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
All I'm sayin xenon is that there's nothing better than looking at a titty or two after some delicious revenge.
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2004-09-15 15:46:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice response. It could've turned into quite a lawsuit.you did the right thing. I'm buying an aluminum bat A.S.A.P.
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2004-09-15 15:14:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2004-09-15 15:06:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
I kindof had a war going on with a guy when I was in High School, he would TP my house, I would cover his yard with plastic forks (its funny, you should see it), he would cover my yard with newspapers stuck down with bamboo skewers (very creative) I wrote "bitch" on his lawn with 25 bags of miniture marshmellows (the sprinkler makes it really nice)...it all ended when his brother sprayed my name on their yard with Roundup, trying to "frame" me...we go together and beat the hell out of his brother.
Good story
Nice. Yeah play funny would have been ok, but this was beyond play funny. This was piss-me-the-hell-off funny.
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2004-09-15 15:06:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I kindof had a war going on with a guy when I was in High School, he would TP my house, I would cover his yard with plastic forks (its funny, you should see it), he would cover my yard with newspapers stuck down with bamboo skewers (very creative) I wrote "bitch" on his lawn with 25 bags of miniture marshmellows (the sprinkler makes it really nice)...it all ended when his brother sprayed my name on their yard with Roundup, trying to "frame" me...we go together and beat the hell out of his brother.
Good story
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-09-15 15:05:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pissed off Xenon + Baseball bat + Bunch of asstards = Entertainment!
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2004-09-15 15:05:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-09-15 14:51:18 (#)
Ranking: 2
You should have pushed them off a cliff while they were still in the car. That would teach them not to fuck with you. Then you should have went to the titty bar.
I AM XENON! DESTROYER OF WORLDS! I have adamantium claws that could rip through any lion!
Bit of a Marvel comic fan, are we? :)
It was so much sweeter to see the looks on their faces as we left them in their crippled vehicle and then saw it for sale the next week.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2004-09-15 14:56:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahh sweet revenge, gotta love it!
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-09-15 14:51:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should have pushed them off a cliff while they were still in the car. That would teach them not to fuck with you. Then you should have went to the titty bar.
I AM XENON! DESTROYER OF WORLDS! I have adamantium claws that could rip through any lion!