Paris Hilton ruined my Wal-Mart Shopping Experience (1667 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.04 on 36 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Lost_Gator_Fan<jrcottey.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2004-09-15 18:25:06 EDT
Dateline: Yesterday
Place: Wal-Mart, MY Wal-Mart
As many of us know, Tuesday is the typical release day for new DVD's. Typically after work on a Tuesday I will go and visit my Wal-Mart. I call it "my" Wal-Mart because it's the only one I know how to get to.
I pull into Wal-Mart and look for my ususal parking space, the last spot in the last row in the last aisle. I prefer to walk the extra 20 feet to avoid parking complications. Not today, everything was full, even my super secret spot (I'd tell you where that is, but I'd have to kill you afterwards) was taken. Finally I sucked up some pride and parked across the street.
Inside Wal-Mart it was a mad house. It was a pedophile's wet dream, hundreds (if not 1000+) of teenage girls with their pants' waist line slung low, finally stopping somewhere just above their labia. Everyone of those little felons-in-the-rough hopping around screaming giddily like the school girls that they are. And everyone one of them in my way, keeping me from getting to my DVD haven.
I managed to slip up a few aisles and low crawl my way just outside the electronics section. Charley was everywhere. I looked up and down the main cross-aisle in front of the electronics section. No good, it was packed from the front of the store to the back of the store, 3 people wide, 6 people wide in some sections. I was forced to do something I promised myself I'd never do again. I started drooling on myself, then, once I had enough drool hanging from my chin, I got up and aimed for the DVD rack and started walking like a retard. Oh it was glorious! It's amazing how far a little drool and a little momentum will get you. People were tripping over each other to get out of my way, I swear I saw one little girl do a combat tuck-n-roll, but I can't confirm that because I was looking down the entire time with the top of my head pointed at the DVDs.
After I reached the DVD section and grabbed my copy of, "Man on Fire" I wiped off the drool and proceeded to the Film counter to check out and avoid any futher delays. As the old lady at the counter was scanning my DVD, I asked, "What the hell are all these people doing here?" She answered in a very snooty tone (which, from her tone showed she hated all these people being here more than I did), "Paris Hilton, is doing a book signing at the end of the isle." "Paris Hilton, heh" I replied as, just for a second, I reminisced about the famed sex video I downloaded and watched a year or so ago. For roughly .0007564 seconds I thought about waiting in line so I could tell her that, from the video she looked like she'd be an aweful lay, which I would not be saying out of any kind of spite, because from watching the video it looks like I'd be preaching the truth. But decided against it after I remembered that the line ran from the back of the store, snaked around a few aisles and started somewhere in Cleveland.
After I got home, popped in my new DVD, I thought of my just completed adventure and said to myself, "Thank You Paris Hilton for fucking up my Wal-Mart shopping experience."
LGF
User Reviews
Submitted by Satansgotsyphillis (user info) at 2005-02-16 22:35:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
meh
Submitted by Lost_Gator_Fan (user info) at 2005-02-15 18:50:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Indeed you are sir, TY
Submitted by fudgepacker (user info) at 2005-02-15 16:45:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
well............here you go. i'm a man of my word.
and yes, paris hilton should rot in hell with her sidekick tinkerbell.
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2004-11-17 14:53:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Mmm bop da-ba-da ba-da Mmm bop
dooby-doo-ba Mmm bop doo-ba doo, yah heeey!
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-11-17 13:43:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Should post more often.
Submitted by cranferdsnerd <dan.at.ortoski.com> at 2004-09-16 17:39:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OOOOps...I meant to give this brilliant piece a +2!
Submitted by Lost_Gator_Fan (user info) at 2004-09-16 17:36:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks.....I think
Submitted by cranferdsnerd <dan.at.ortoski.com> at 2004-09-16 16:54:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This was absolutely the finest piece of literature I have EVER read. Hemingway is probaly spinning like a wheel in the grave, thinking, "Damn...wish I could write like that!" Of course, I speaking of Margaux Hemingway.
Submitted by wazzawazzayo (user info) at 2004-09-16 14:02:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Drooling on yourself = +2
Submitted by strider (user info) at 2004-09-16 13:18:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
+1 for "Charley was everywhere."
Submitted by Luckystar (user info) at 2004-09-16 13:09:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Man On Fire is an awesome fucking movie. Thank you for reminding me to buy it ;)
Submitted by Hamburgler (user info) at 2004-09-16 13:05:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't like Man On Fire, but the story was good.
Submitted by Lost_Gator_Fan (user info) at 2004-09-16 13:02:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
oh man that's messed up. It's not like I made the pic.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2004-09-16 12:43:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
+2 for the story
+1 for having paris hilton in in
+1 Because the picture was amusing
-1,000,000 for having the word own3d anywhere in your vocabulary
Submitted by Lost_Gator_Fan (user info) at 2004-09-16 12:27:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks for the reviews everyone. I normally don't post anything, but I thought you might enjoy the story of my little trip. If you enjoyed it, I'm glad. If you hated it, oh well.
LGF
Submitted by runninginplace (user info) at 2004-09-16 09:16:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This could have been a great one if you had lied to us and told us about actually confronting her.
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-09-16 07:58:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2004-09-16 05:56:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Maybe you should start shopping at Target.
Submitted by triple_optics (user info) at 2004-09-16 05:52:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
for the picture.
Twat
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-09-16 05:45:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should have walked up to her and said in your best redneck voice:
"I done seen yar' cooter on the intraweb!"
Submitted by Evil_Morg (user info) at 2004-09-16 01:54:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
+2 good story
-1 wal mart *nuff said*
Submitted by forumsarestupid (user info) at 2004-09-15 23:31:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
more fun than hurricane ivan
Submitted by Zeccs (user info) at 2004-09-15 23:21:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You're a total tool.
Submitted by PatheticCapitalistFuck (user info) at 2004-09-15 23:06:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nicely done.
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2004-09-15 21:42:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Drive this:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/45078
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2004-09-15 21:41:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Attn Lancer and STi drivers (as well as SRT-4 peeps):
I pulled up to a light in my Z, preparing to go straight, and an STi driver was in the left lane, with a left signal on, preparing to go left. He looks over at my Z and starts revving the engine. He has his window down. Remember, he is going left.
"Hey, you know what?" I said.
"What?" he responds.
"Your car is faster than mine!" I said. I see a big smile cross his face. What I have said is true, and it makes his day to hear it. But I wasn't finished. "But my car's pretty, and I look even prettier in it!"
Then I rolled up my window while he was ranting something about quarter mile times and horsepower, I don't know I wasn't paying attention.
The point is, no matter how fast your STi, Lancer, or SRT-4 is, you're still driving a done up economy car. And you guys always fight over which ugly four door is faster while I pick up chicks!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-09-15 20:09:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You should have waited in line just to ask her how her Shlongy beave-eating experience was.
Submitted by Skippy (user info) at 2004-09-15 19:58:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny as fuck! You should have spoken to the stupid bitch while you were there.
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2004-09-15 19:34:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OWNED!
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-09-15 19:29:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Quasiplasmohedron (user info) at 2004-09-15 19:15:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DaMeatTree (user info) at 2004-09-15 19:01:03 (#)
Ranking: 1
Paris Hilton writes books???
Is it all pictures??
Haven't you seen here doing the talk show circuit? It seems to be 90% pictures, with a bunch of stupid tips on "how to be an heiress." It should have been somebody's fan website dedicated to her.
Submitted by Quasiplasmohedron (user info) at 2004-09-15 19:14:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was funny, and Man on Fire was very good.
I'm deeply disturbed that teenage girls now idolize Paris Hilton. I once thought the Spice Girls were as bad as it could get....
Submitted by DaMeatTree (user info) at 2004-09-15 19:01:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Paris Hilton writes books???
Is it all pictures??
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2004-09-15 18:51:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I SO would have waited in line just to tell her how much she sucks.
Submitted by big_wigger (user info) at 2004-09-15 18:37:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i only read half of the post but that GRAPHIC KICKS ASS!
neons suck! WRX's are tha shizznat
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2004-09-15 18:37:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I've had similar frustrations with Wal-Mart and there was this one time where I actually stormed the place with a shotgun. Good times. I won't link the post, find it for yourself if you want to.
+2 for this being well-written
-1 for your taste in movies