A Lifetime, Lost (1509 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.37 on 54 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Ashlee (View user info) at 2004-09-16 12:52:35 EDT
To my unnamed angel.
I don't understand how or why this happened, but I know it's unfair. When they told me you were coming, I was so happy, I couldn't hold still. I shook with delight at the thought of you, and when I saw you for the first time my joy was immeasurable. You weren't much to look at, were you? Just a tiny blob, a dot on the screen. But I loved you. Before I saw you, certainly, but after, intensely. You were going to be perfect.
I did everything just as they told me; I ate healthier foods on a more regular schedule, got plenty of rest, and took that vitamin every day. I went faithfully to my doctor's appointments weekly, and every two days to the lab for the blood work. When they said we had a rough road ahead of us, I took the time off work and I rested. I planned for you from the start, did you know that? I picked out the things you would need, and I told everyone about you. I began to look at everything differently, always with mind to whether it would be good for you. What I ate, where I went, what I did. Rough road or easy, I would make it. We would make it.
The day it happened, I knew. The dull ache I'd come to ignore gradually but steadily became a gripping, vice-like pain. I prayed as I drove home. "Please," I begged God, "let my baby be ok." I stumbled upstairs, still praying, but still knowing that it was futile. Inside, I rushed to the bathroom... There was so much blood. More than I'd ever seen before. Thick in places, that's where you were, wasn't it? Tissue, matter. More than blood. My baby. The life I carried was gone, with no more warning than what it had arrived with.
I was up all that night. The searing physichal agony paled in light of the crushing emotional pain that I felt. My very soul shook with the tears I shed, while inside I berated myself for doing whatever I did wrong. "Too much stress, that's what caused it. The exertion from today! I never should have left the house. Maybe it was the cigarettes I smoked before I knew... But I gave them up as soon as that home test came up positive!" I tried desperately to assign a reason to something that had none.
The next day, I sat quietly in the doctor's office, waiting once again for confirmation of that which I already knew. One last ultrasound showed nothingness where you had once been, and I began to cry again. Softly, no sobbing like the night before. I didn't have the energy this time. They told me it wasn't my fault, that this was perfectly normal. One in four pregnancies end up as miscarriages, they said. This won't effect future pregnancies, they assured me. I found no comfort in their words. I didn't stop crying.
I've had some time, since then, to mourn you. The pain, though still there, has dulled. I know that in time, it will fade away, leaving nothing but a memory in its place. I still can't give this reason, nor do I think I ever will. There is no reason for it; no reason I lost you, no reason you never got the chance to live. But then, that's how it works. Bad things happen, and we can learn and grow or we can shut down and drive ourselves insane. I choose to live again, for myself and for you. I will cry for you, for your memory and for the loss of you. But I will also be happy for you, because you never got the chance to. I love you.
- The mother you never got to have.
User Reviews
Submitted by JenBee (user info) at 2004-11-01 15:24:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was very sad, and I am sorry for your loss. I'm sorry if that's beggining to sound trite after the five millionth time it's been written- But, I'm being very sincere. Don't pay attention to your critics. They simply have no grasp of reality, or loss, or love.
Submitted by tomato-soup (user info) at 2004-10-29 14:12:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
next time use a diaper
Submitted by tartpumper (user info) at 2004-10-29 14:09:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2004-10-07 17:22:14 (#)
Ranking: 0
Goddamn, get a life, you pathetic loser. I know you're upset because you're a retard, but JESUS.
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Wow. I bet that took a lot of thinking about you fucking ugly, chubby-cheeked, massive-headed prostitute towel.
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2004-10-20 23:53:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Jesus...
Submitted by lawless_hellion (user info) at 2004-10-20 23:48:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
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Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2004-10-20 22:51:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by lawIess_helIion (user info) at 2004-10-20 22:38:58 (#)
Ranking: -2
Mean person alert!
A mean person? On UBER?!?! I'm SHOCKED. Shocked and appalled.
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What you did was wrong.
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2004-10-07 17:22:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Goddamn, get a life, you pathetic loser. I know you're upset because you're a retard, but JESUS.
Submitted by CoreaPeekay (user info) at 2004-10-07 17:16:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-09-23 21:35:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
This sucks terribly but I see NO NEED AT ALL to write about it in this stupid room. That's dumb. My condolences for your loss.
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2004-09-23 21:29:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thank you.
Honestly, I don't think you're a pompous retard: I don't know much about you. I just get... excited, I guess, when I'm arguing. I'm rarely serious when I say stuff like that.
Submitted by OneCheapGeek (user info) at 2004-09-23 21:18:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very sorry for your loss. In spite of our words on other posts, I'm not an unfeeling "pompous retard".
Submitted by legallady_3 (user info) at 2004-09-23 20:49:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My sympathies for your loss.
Submitted by Monarch (user info) at 2004-09-23 17:07:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Queen, you aren't showing up on my AIM list.
And just a minute ago you messaged me a bunch of times and I couldn't respond. What's up with that?
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2004-09-23 04:48:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2004-09-20 19:31:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Do you need some attention, "prettygirl?" Oh by the way: girls with screennames like yours are invaribly fat, acne-covered, smelly, virgin skanks. Just thought you ought to know. Oh wait, you already did...
Submitted by prettygirl (user info) at 2004-09-20 16:47:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Oh that is just so very sad. Really.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2004-09-20 11:42:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
To bad it wasnt you instead.
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-09-19 18:45:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sorry. You know why.
Submitted by CaptainAmik (user info) at 2004-09-18 15:22:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wake up, hungover and very tired..sorry to hear about it kiddo...my day is so sad now.
Submitted by tartpumper (user info) at 2004-09-18 09:52:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I wish you would have died.
Bitch.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-09-18 06:48:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Write it out, Ashlee.
Submitted by Quasiplasmohedron (user info) at 2004-09-18 00:39:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Aphrodite (user info) at 2004-09-17 22:28:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am sorry for your loss. My first son died when he was 4 1/2 months old-- he had a genetic disease... Although I know the pain is not exactly the same, I do know what it feels like to lose a child...
Again, I am very sorry.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-09-17 19:32:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now I feel bad.
Submitted by Random Lesley at 2004-09-17 16:04:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
To random joe down there - You're one sick ignorant simpleton.
**********
Ashlee,
You're one very brave and articulate young lady. I hope the future brings you and your partner happiness and peace. Thank you for submitting this post, thank you so much.
You and yours are in my prayers.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-09-17 15:53:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have never been pregnant so I can't even begin to imagine the feeling...
but you did a good job painting the picture for me..
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2004-09-17 10:06:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
random joe needs colon cancer. his asshole has grown way out of control
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2004-09-17 09:59:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-09-17 01:11:03 (#)
Ranking: 0
You little fucking attention seeking whore. You were never pregnant in the first place.
____
You wanna see the proof of pregnancy they gave me for my insurance company?
Submitted by Kracka (user info) at 2004-09-17 09:16:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-09-17 07:25:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You seem a strong woman Ashlee, and I am sure that you will carry on with your life and one day have the little miracle that this time has passed you by.
I lost a baby at 21 weeks after falling down a flight of stairs and crashing the car in the same week. It was not a foetus, it was a baby. I called her Chloe. Although I had never wanted her in the first place, I cried. At 17 I was not ready. I can't imagine how much more it must hurt when it's something you have accepted and come to want.
The very best of luck to you.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-09-17 01:11:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You little fucking attention seeking whore. You were never pregnant in the first place. You just wanted some attention, and the only way for your grimey ass to get it, was to make up a story over the internet. You're a pathetic sack of white trash. With the recent influx of hate and animosity towards you, you decided to make yourself out to be a sad Reader's Digest short story to gain sympathy. One of your favorite quips is "I'm better than you.". Sweetie you're mental.
Submitted by Nicole3 (user info) at 2004-09-16 21:47:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's horrible. I'm glad that you are ok, though. You are still young so don't worry.
Submitted by User9000 (user info) at 2004-09-16 20:21:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't worry. It wasn't really a human being.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-09-16 20:15:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-09-16 20:09:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Oops...I meant -1. Cancel that +, please.
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-09-16 20:01:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sorry to hear that Ashlee. If it helps, remember what I told you when we were talking about this last week.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-09-16 18:46:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm sure this was nicely written and all that but I have to ask again...are there ANY normal broads, that write in this room, that haven't been impacted by 5 different major traumas in their brief existances...and can we hear from one of them?
Too much fucking angst/anger/sadness/bitterness from the broads around here.
I now have angst in my pants.
Submitted by hyprspacd (user info) at 2004-09-16 15:24:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
..with my sympathies
Submitted by Smurfs (user info) at 2004-09-16 15:24:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
:-/
Submitted by browneyedgirl (user info) at 2004-09-16 15:12:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-09-16 15:07:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very sad. Sorry for your loss. I'm glad you are OK though, that's what's really important.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-09-16 14:05:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not gonna tell you I'm sorry for your loss for the sake of looking like a good compassionate person. I don't know you so I have no empathy. Call me an insensitive asshole, I don't care, this what I think. I didn't know you could write this well though.
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2004-09-16 13:50:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That sucks.
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2004-09-16 13:32:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thank you all for your kind words, and for reading. Writing about my expereinces has always been very cathartic for me, and this was no exception. This is just one step on the road to healing for me.
Submitted by Monarch (user info) at 2004-09-16 13:28:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My prayers are with you Ash.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-09-16 13:25:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I commend you for sharing such a painful personal experience with everyone. The only way to heal is the passage of time. Just remember the pain won't last forever.
By the way my marriage offer still stands.
Submitted by Spiral_Abraxis (user info) at 2004-09-16 13:21:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude.
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2004-09-16 13:18:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If this is a real life issue you have experienced, id like to say I am sorry for you loss and I commend you for the strength it took to confront it in this manner.
If this is your creative writing from the perspective of a mothers loss, I commend you on your perception.
Submitted by strider (user info) at 2004-09-16 13:10:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
whoa, I didn't even snap that this was real life stuff. Ashlee, please forgive me for comparing it to an abortion. I don't want to be considered that heartless.
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2004-09-16 13:08:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by strider (user info) at 2004-09-16 13:06:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good post.
I think the reaction of the woman here would be the same as for women having a first-time abortion and not being fully educated about the process.
Submitted by KoolMang (user info) at 2004-09-16 13:04:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What the hell, this deserves a +2!
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2004-09-16 13:01:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am very sorry.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2004-09-16 13:01:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i am sorry you lost your baby.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-09-16 12:58:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment