N00b (1097 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.05 on 42 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <amanda_trivett.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-09-16 14:24:17 EDT
It was raining, but then it always seemed to be raining these days. He opened the door to walk headlong into the smell of freshly baked bread, warm and homely.
He curled his nose.
"Is that you Neville?" his mother asked, cheerily.
"I told you, my nme's CoolMaster2000!!!!!11 now BITHC" he yelled, and went upstairs, slamming his door.
'Yea' he thought to himself, 'you know who'se teh man'
Some people thought a 38 year old living with his mother was rather saddening. Neville bitch slapped those people and gave them a swift drop kick to the head. At least he did in his mind. The person in the back of his head who he often thought of as bearing a striking similarity to Yasmine Bleeth purred to him softly.
"You're so amazing CoolMaster2000" she told him, "you know exactly how to treat a girl" In his mind she was doing something interesting with her breasts.
Yasmine understood him.
Today had been a bad day. His supervisor had given him a warning for slacking off again, the second this month. His supervisor was a dick. Nobody understood how special he was, how one day he'd just walk in there and kick all their asses, and they'd all bow down and thank him because that'd be the day they all realised, they all truly understood how he was a master of them all. Yeah. That had been followed by the fact that he'd found out his girlfriend had been cheating on him. He'd seen her outside with some body-building faggot who probably didn't work as a cleaner at MacDonalds or live with his mother. Faggot. He had wanted to go and see her but there was still a restraining order out against him and some things were best left to a well meaning hour of prank calling, or perhaps he'd send her some more of those pictures he'd taken of her. He knew she liked the ones of her leaving her house, the ones he'd taken from the bushes. She'd realise then that he loved her, but he wouldn't take her back. Not straight away. Bitch.
There were memories between them, as real as any injunction. The way she used the call him 'freak' and 'stalker', pet names. The way her male friends beat him up, the way she looked when she slept, nothing but a window between them.
He smiled, and a string of saliva escaped unhindered down his shirt front.
Neville dumped his bag in his room and turned on Kraftwerk, then turned to his battered and suspiciously sticky PC. With an enthusiasm bordering on the obscene he turned it on and waited the full 20 minutes for it to boot up. Now he'd speak to his real friends, the one thing he truly looked forward to.
He signed onto Supersite.com.
Welcome, CoolMaster2000! The headline proclaimed, and offered a list of posts to choose from. A whole plethora of fresh new stories, anecdotes and observational tid-bits from his friends.
A name caught his eye, a Super-elder. One of the Super-elite. They were always mean to him but he knew it was just messing, like when his girlfriend barred his number from her phone and called the police on him. He selected the post and as he read, tears of rage began to fill his eyes.
WHY?
The spelling was immaculate, the grammar faultless. The post was whimsical but profound simultaneously; it touched a place deep within him but retained an air of the humorous. It was something he should have written. They did this to upset him, he knew they did. HE knew he was special. It wasn't fair.
He thought long and hard but couldn't think of anything derogatory to say about Jews, blacks, homos, Canadians, Iraq, immigrants, Christians, the British or Americans.
Faggots.
"-2 DIE" he posted, and smiled in satisfaction.
After a moments deliberation he clicked on the User's info to show a whole veritable spread of untouched, inspiring posts.
"I thnk a few more fo thse, faggot" he decided.
Faggot.
"LOLLMAOROFLBRBBBQ!!!!!1111!111"
"I want to fuck you, CoolMaster2000" Yasmine Bleeth told him.
"Yeah" he purred.
Elsewhere:
"Fucking N00bs" sighed the 'Super-elder', and turned off his computer. He had to pick his girlfriend up in an hour.
User Reviews
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-04-13 03:15:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
uberc1ndy.at.gmail.com
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2005-09-19 09:30:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-09-19 09:07:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-04-28 07:53:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"LOLLMAOROFLBRBBBQ!!!!!1111!111"
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-03-10 06:10:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
BURN!!!!!
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-03-10 05:59:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Perzik (user info) at 2005-03-10 04:35:03 (#)
Ranking: -2
...for the use of the word nOOb.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm sure that's a sore point for someone with so few posts, but you should at least appreciate the article, unless of course that's a sore point for you too?
Submitted by Perzik (user info) at 2005-03-10 04:35:03 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
...for the use of the word nOOb.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-03-10 03:45:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This deserves a much, much higher rating. Hilarious.
Submitted by TheJedi (user info) at 2005-02-08 02:48:23 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
It was very difficult to read.
I suggest you use MSword or something to edit the spelling and structure it properly, and paste it on to the site.
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2005-02-08 02:27:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck yeah!
P.S. I'm drinking a 40 of OE and wearing my mothers panties, I am so fucking cool.
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2005-02-08 02:17:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was awesome.
I'm looking forward to reading more of your posts.
So hurry up, damnit.
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2005-01-12 04:34:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Why don't you write more?
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-11-25 11:36:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I really like this.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-09-17 07:59:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
'Made me smile'
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-09-17 07:33:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I liked it.
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2004-09-17 03:21:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
After reading it through again today I admit it could have been better, but I was in a rush and just had to get it out of my system. I'll take more time next time. Thanks for all positive criticism, long time listener.
Submitted by Purplemonkeydishwasher (user info) at 2004-09-16 20:47:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
meh however im sure this story is not an uncommon one. its fun to tease losers
Submitted by mr.awesome (user info) at 2004-09-16 20:28:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Neville bitch slapped those people and gave them a swift drop kick to the head. At least he did in his mind.
Great.
Submitted by tshia2 (user info) at 2004-09-16 19:56:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that was awesome, just next time hit the enter key twice between each paragraph
Submitted by passerby (user info) at 2004-09-16 19:45:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HackMcCallum.... Your critique is a lack of sufficient carriage returns? You are a jackass.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2004-09-16 19:35:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Use
the
fucking
return
key
goddamn
it!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-09-16 18:52:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Without even reading this, if QueenAshlee gives it her gargantuan stamp of approval, you can rest assured that it sucks.
Submitted by hyprspacd (user info) at 2004-09-16 17:13:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Interesting perspective
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-09-16 16:56:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
*smirk*
Submitted by PatheticCapitalistFuck (user info) at 2004-09-16 16:05:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-09-16 15:56:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"...warm and homely" bread is fine, so long as you keep your eyes closed.
What?
Submitted by CaptainAmik (user info) at 2004-09-16 15:56:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
-2 DIE.....hehe....+2 LIVE
Submitted by BoogieFevuh (user info) at 2004-09-16 15:51:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You had me at 'super-site.'
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2004-09-16 15:48:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I avoided this for some reason, but it was cute. Good show.
Submitted by big_wigger (user info) at 2004-09-16 15:39:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
it would be nice to read something that has some edge to it but isnt pornno or racist trolling, there doesnt seem to be any middle ground between that and posts like this make me go"siiiiiigggghhhhhhh"
overwhelming indifference
Submitted by MoonStone (user info) at 2004-09-16 15:25:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
cute.
Submitted by j0andre1 (user info) at 2004-09-16 15:15:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking hillarious
The dude reminded me of Napoleon Dynamite
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-09-16 15:08:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yasmine says that she'll marry me.
I am teh roxxors.
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2004-09-16 14:56:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Like you are in their minds.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-09-16 14:45:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
great idea and sort of amusing, but hastily constructed and needs editing. funny as hell.
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2004-09-16 14:43:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
A much better review of Uber-spammers. Very nice.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-09-16 14:41:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Teehee.
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-09-16 14:40:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
funny stuff
Submitted by Monarch (user info) at 2004-09-16 14:32:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn, I hope that title doesn't scare too many people off, this post is great. I love the change in perspective.
Thanks Mandy, for helping the relieve the pain of stupid people!
Or as Neville might have said: "r0x0r"
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2004-09-16 14:31:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
JESUS FUCKING CHRIST THIS MADE MY ASS BLEED....(and my caps lock key stick)
Submitted by Lyric (user info) at 2004-09-16 14:30:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahaha! Very creative, I like.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-09-16 14:26:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This is what happens when you drop babies people.