a boy named sue (745 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: goodfiction
Rating: 1.38 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Corn Nugget (View user info) at 2004-09-16 21:00:17 EDT
Her legs were open, knees apart, feet in stirrups.
I was at the foot of the bed, trying to stay out of the doctors way, yet still trying to get a good shot of the babies head popping out.
"Sir, please..." the doctor was sweating a bit, and I knew better than to annoy him and make things worse, yet, aren't fathers supposed to be excited? I'm sure he was used to characters like me, so I really paid him no mind. There were a few times where I believe he purposefully jabbed me with his elbow- that's a dirty trick, seeing as how it would be completely improper to jab him back.
Nobody warned me about the poop and such. Nobody TOLD me that my girlfriend would lose control of her arse. Now that you've read this, at least you'll be better prepared. So her poop trickles out, and I gag, and the doctor jabs, and she yells- it was a fiasco. I quickly regained composure and got back behind my camera, though.
I could see something happening... a head!
Etc etc etc
The baby comes out and they hand me these silvery scissors, telling me to cut the cord. Again, something nobody took the time to warn me about. It was like cutting a bungee cord. Very unsettling, but not worse than the poo incident.
Then the nurse wipes the baby up, poking around at the baby, clearing eyes and ears and noses, all the things I expected. I saw her take pause though, when she got to his nether-region. Did he inherit my abnormally large horse-type cock? I wondered then what the nurses had thought of my own infantile pecker. I felt a warm glow start in my belly, and soon enough I was becoming erect.
That's not relevant. Or maybe it is relevant. My penis has much relevance to me, I admit.
In any event, I noticed her hesitation when looking at my boy's area. I stood near my girlfriend, holding her right hand with my left, and holding the camera with my right. I kept thinking, "I hope that reaction is on film! I'd love to show him how all women react to his penis! What a great teaching tool this video could be!".
They swaddled him up and handed him to my girlfriend. We oooed and ahhhed and admired his little face. I couldn't resist the temptation, and I lifted the blanket to peer at his pecker. It didn't seem abnormally large at all. Perhaps even a bit small... but, who am I to judge an infants privates? This is when the doctor chimed in.
I do not remember exactly how he said it, but what he said was this:
"Your child is a hermaphrodite." Of course, he said it with many fancy flowery words. He explained a bit about operations. He reassured us. I didn't listen to his words, I simply read his face. And then, much to my chagrin, that Johnny Cash song would not get out of my head- A Boy Named Sue. I knew right then that whatever name we gave him, I'd always think of him as Sue.
A few moments passed, my wife was silent, no doubt feeling regret over the weed she had smoked in her first weeks of pregnancy, cursing her family for bad genes, worrying about our childs physical and psychological future- and I kept singing Johnny Cash songs in my head.
Despite my lyrical departure, it was, by far, the most traumatic thing to have happen to me. To hear those words, I never believed I would have to endure such unbareable pain.
The doctor stared at us. We stared back.
Then the nurse smiled, and I prepared myself to hear another platitude...
"Ha ha... just kidding!!" Docs face lit up when he said this, the nurse guffawed, and I dropped the camera. "Next time, stay out of my way if I'm trying to deliver your child!! I hope you learned your lesson!"
They followed up with congratulations.
I thought the whole event was rather amusing and thought provoking. I'd never make THAT mistake again, next time I'd leave the video-camera at home! I then started trying to think of ways to incorporate such lessons to my own clients. I could hear myself saying, "Well, sir, I'm sorry to have to tell you this- but apparently you owe $400,000 in back taxes. The IRS just called and said they would garshish your wages forever, from now on." (all of my hoaxes would seem to fall flat in comparison to what this old chap had put me through, but mind you- I WOULD TRY!) My wife seemed to think otherwise, but she was doped up on that painkiller shot they had given her earlier...
Speaking of that pain killer- I'm sure it aided in my ability to convince my wife of a name. She didn't object when I filled out the birth certificate.
I named him Sue. He would be the talk of the town with such a cool story behind his unusual name, I was sure!
Thank you, doctor! (and to think, originally we had planned on going with the name "Chester"... what a mistake THAT would have been, eh??)
User Reviews
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2006-06-07 14:05:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So her poop trickles out
---------
I just want to check, but it's wrong if that turns me on.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-09-25 08:57:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Johnny Cash references warrant an auto positive rating. But this wasn't outstandingly good.
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2004-09-25 08:45:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i've just noticed circe's comments
i never ever use the word 'poop'
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2004-09-24 19:23:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
if fact, the whole father's thoughts on newborn son's penis bit is ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2004-09-24 19:11:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
delightful - interior monolologue re. penis hilarious
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-09-17 19:17:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Random Joe- I'm a girl.
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2004-09-17 15:35:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nothing wrong with mexicans...
...or this post.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-09-17 09:48:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I think it is funny when men with small peeners get upset when well-endowed men mention their large peeners. Self esteem issues? It isn't your fault you have a small dick, well then again maybe it is!
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-09-17 08:34:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I can dig, I can dig...
Damn mexicans and their burritos!
Circe- It reads like Shandy wrote it because it included talk of penis, children, and poop. Had I put in a little dogfuck action, it would have been Shandy to a T.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-09-17 06:34:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Corinne... why the hell does this read like shandy wrote it?
It's good and all - laughed my ass off - but it doesn't read like your stuff usually does.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2004-09-17 06:15:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Screw you guys this was brilliant. I laughed my head off as soon as my mind registered the word hermaphrodite. I did a double take as in like "hermaphrodite, wait what?... aha ha ha ha ha ha ha"... wonderful bizzare twist.
I remember thinking big headed jerk when you were going on about his winky being a family trait, then the bomb shell. Astounding effort my friend.
Submitted by Lyric (user info) at 2004-09-17 05:48:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, I think it'd definately have to be the ending. It started out so well, and then it was like one big joke for the ending? I realize it's a story, but my first thought was, as if anyone, especially a doctor, would make a "joke" like that to new parents.... and then it just flat out ruined the rest of it for me.
Like I said, I don't think I have ever read anything else of yours that I didn't like. Let's just say you had a bad burrito or something and it affected your skills temporarily ;)
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-09-17 03:32:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
crap
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2004-09-17 00:42:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I found the ending to be just...... weird.
Happens to the best of us, Nug.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-09-17 00:40:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-09-16 21:44:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Lyric... thanks... what don't you like about this? The ending being too campy? I'm having a problem with campy endings.
I was going to keep it serious, but I couldn't resist turning it around.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-09-16 21:44:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Eh. So it's better than my last post. Have a 0.
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2004-09-16 21:25:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
thank God you didn't go with Chester. He would have been called Chester the child molester, believe me there's one in my school.
Submitted by Lyric (user info) at 2004-09-16 21:07:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Uhm........ I usually like your writing. I don't like this.