Couldn'T Say It (1939 hits)
Category: UberMadness!Rating: 0.7 on 238 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Uber Madness 2004 (View user info) at 2004-09-16 23:10:26 EDT
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This post is officially part of UberMadness!. Click here for more information on the rules and restrictions. |
Entry 1
When I was lying next to your mother staring deeply into her eyes I had a feeling you were about to join us, there were now three of us sharing the warmth of the bed. I knew I loved you before I knew you were here for sure.When you were born I wept openly with joy, I spent a thousand dollars on drinks for strangers, cigars for passers by. I was in a different city, but without seeing you, I knew I loved you.
When I threw you in the air as a child, your giggles filling me with paternal pride and awe of your utter joy, I knew I loved you. My strong hands sent you airborne, my fearless heart made sure you were safe. You trusted my implicitly, you knew I loved you. I could tell.
On your first day at school you didn't know but I hid with your mother to watch you take those tentative, unsure steps towards the buildings that formed your education. We held each other and cried, knowing that you were now going to have less time for us, and you were going to be with your new friends, some of whom will be there for you for the rest of your life. The afternoon you came home, you were full of stories and you told them to me twice. I could have listened to your excitement all night, watching your eyes get larger the more you talked about. Your arms waving, your hands slapping my gently when you thought I wasn't paying attention. You knew your Dad loved you and wanted to hear more.
At your high school graduation, I wept again with pride. We had many struggles in your teenage years, my thoughts about discipline and your thoughts of freedom didn't work well together. When you needed me, you came, knowing
When you got sick, you asked me why. I didn't know. I kept asking God but I got no reply. I held you, I spent time with you. I did everything in my power to show you how much I love you.
I am standing before your grave, crippled with grief. I should have told you I love you. I just...
Couldn't say it.
- VS -
Entry 2
Time, N. : a nonspatial continuum that is measured in terms of events which succeed one another from past through present to future.Space, N. : an extent in one, two, or three dimensions.
Microwave Oven, N. : an oven in which food is cooked by the heat produced by the absorption of microwave energy by water molecules in the food.
...although no one really knows for sure. And indeed it seems we may need to redefine all of these terms in light of recent events, or perhaps levy a tax on recreational mushrooms, for reasons explained later.
The present situation is as follows:
There is a man in an armchair holding a moist frog to his temple. His name is Evan.
There is another man standing near a window looking out at a vast sea of small, angry orange men. He is frowning, as most people would do when confronted with a vast sea of small, angry orange men outside of one's window. His name is Darius.
For the purpose of setting your mind at ease, there is no death in this story, with the slight exception of a single unfortunate accident that takes the life of an unlucky sea turtle, and an explosion that causes no damage whatsoever to anything.
Now that you know what's going on, I can continue to tell you the story of how this began.
...
[Tuesday]
...
"I want that banana," Evan said, tearing open another box of cereal.
"How many box tops do you have so far?" Darius asked from across the table. He flipped casually through the channels on the TV.
"Four hundred fifty-six, and I only need forty-four more. Now eat your damn cereal."
"If you want that stupid banana so bad, why not just dump out all the cereal and take the box tops?"
"Are you fucking insane? Do you have ANY IDEA the amount of essential vitamins they put in these things?"
"I guess you're right."
"Damn right I'm right. Now balance your fucking breakfast so we can live like kings on our low-carb lifestyle!"
Darius added some more soda to his bowl. A giant South American banana carved into the shape of a motorcycle would be a nice conversation piece for the guest room, he thought, just before he remembered that they don't have a guest room, at which point he rescinded his previous thought, and followed it with a question:
"Where the hell did our milk go?"
Evan, ignoring him, got up to get another box of cereal out of the pantry. As he did so, he spotted at the front door, with the aid of a large hole in the wall that refused to obstruct his line of sight, a man in a brown uniform standing at the front door. DING-DONG, the doorbell didn't ring. It was broken, after all. No one knew why.
He set the cereal on the table and walked around into the front room, despite the fact that he could easily have gone through the wall.
It was a pretty big hole. No one knew why.
"Mr. Edson? Delivery from Frito-Lay. They've attached a restraining order to the box."
"Thanks," he said, signing the clipboard and closing the door.
"What'd you get?" Darius asked, coming through the wall.
"Must be that microwave I won," he responded.
"I see they don't want you sending in any more letters," Darius observed, detaching the restraining order from the box and reading it.
"The commercial said you could earn more sweepstakes points if you gave them feedback, and damnit, that's what I did."
"Not a letter a day for three years after the contest ends."
"Well they should have said that then. Come on, let's go set this bitch up."
They went back to the kitchen, cleared the table, and opened the box.
It was as if Evan was staring into the bitter depths of hell. The horror he saw at that moment was like nothing a man his age could ever hope to see. He staggered backwards slightly and grabbed the counter for support.
"Some assembly required," Darius read, turning pale.
...
[Thursday]
...
"I think I got it," Evan said finally, snapping the front cover onto the microwave.
"Plug it in!" Darius said eagerly, having just spent a full 51-and-a-half hours attempting to assemble the microwave from scratch, as opposed to Evan, who collapsed 12 hours in from exhaustion and woke up 10 hours later, immediately siezing his soldering iron and continuing his work.
Evan plugged it in.
...
[Sunday]
...
Evan struck the floor with the force of... well, I'm no good at Physics, so I'll say it was with the force of something filled with a lot of really heavy things, which is a lot.
Darius, being a noble and loyal heterosexual lifemate, followed suit.
"What the fuck was that?" Evan managed to say, as he tried to get up.
Gravity had other plans. He fell, landed flat on his stomach, and grunted.
"I have no clue," Darius said, punching gravity in the face and standing up. He went on to kick gravity squarely in the nuts and helped Evan up with him.
Evan looked around and was dumbstruck. Everything was horribly, horribly wrong.
"Damnit, dude, I told you not to leave your fucking sweater on the kitchen table," he said angrily, picking it up and throwing it at Darius.
"Sorry," he said sheepishly, going into his room.
"Much better," Evan said, looking around.
"Hey, Evan," Darius called from his room.
"What?"
"Can you come here and give me a second opinion on this?"
"I guess," he said, walking into the next room.
"What did you need?"
"Can you tell me who the fuck that is?" he asked, pointing to his bed.
Actually, it would be more accurate to say he was pointing at the person IN his bed. And purely for the sake of accuracy, he was pointing at himself.
"Looks a lot like you," Evan said, getting his anti-personnel security device from the closet.
"Put the fucking bat away. It IS me, man, he's wearing my socks."
"So maybe he broke in and put 'em on."
"No, I mean, he's wearing MY socks, my Snoopie socks. The ones I have on now," he said, pulling up his pant leg. "And the calendar says it's last Sunday," he added, gesturing to the wall, which indeed had their tear-off calendar on it, currently on Sunday.
They stood silent for a while, pretending not to want to wake the other Darius up, but in actuality they didn't have a damn thing to say. They were in the fucking past.
"We're in the fucking past," Evan said, walking into the kitchen.
"Hey, Evan, wait," Darius said, following him.
"What?"
"Would you say... I mean, If I was to - "
"No, that's not masturbating, you sick fuck."
Darius stopped talking.
For whatever reason, Evan chose that exact moment to notice that their microwave was sitting in the middle of a rather large hole in the kitchen wall.
"If it's last Sunday, what the hell is that doing here?"
"I was wondering how the hell that bigass hole got there," Darius said.
"No, the microwave."
"Oh. I don't know."
They stood there for a really long time.
"I'm gunna go plug it in," Evan said at last.
As surprising as it may seem, this turned out to be a fantastically bad idea.
...
[Tuesday]
...
Standing on top of his own roof looking out over the fine landscape of the state of Wyoming, Evan wondered if plugging in the microwave was indeed such a good idea after all.
It was not the fine landscape of the state of Wyoming that caused this thought to cross his mind, however. It was more the presence of a large army of small, angry orange men on his front lawn.
Darius frowned.
Evan glanced around once more. When he realized that the landscape was, in fact, composed largely of bricks of mozarella cheese, he decided he should probably find the microwave and plug it in again.
This idea, ironically, was a good one, with the slight exception of all the bad consequences. And the electric bill.
He found the microwave on top of the chimney he didn't realize they had and carried it through the attic window, plugging it into the wall socket.
Nothing happened.
Nothing happened with such force that it knocked him onto the floor and produced a large amount of frogs and sea turtles all around the house. He jumped to his feet and ran out of the room in a panic, accidentally stepping on a turtle and bumping his head on his way out.
"What happened to you?" Darius asked.
"Frogs," Evan replied simply.
"And turtles," Darius observed. "That looks like a nasty bruise. You'd better lay down."
"I guess," he said. "How bad is it?"
"Ever see the movie 'Gigli'?"
Evan threw up.
"Wow, that's pretty bad. I'd better lay down."
He threw himself onto the armchair and stared at the wall. A frog hopped onto his bruised head. The room was silent for a moment.
"There's a frog on your head," Darius said.
"I'm aware of that," he replied.
Silence.
"You're just gunna leave it there?"
"Feels good."
Silence.
"Alright man, whatever."
In the distance, the sound of an explosion is heard.
...
[Wednesday]
...
All was now quiet in the kitchen.
"Hey, would you mind cutting that the fuck out? I have a headache," Evan said finally, looking in my direction.
A few moments of silence pass as he sat in his chair with a frog to his head.
"STOP the damn typing," he clarified after a moment.
"You've been following us around for days now and the click of those keys is starting to get to me. Either stop typing or I can go over there and slam your face into that keyboard," he warned.
Although I had been wanting to tell them for some time that I was a mute, via my computer screen, they had been ignoring me with the greatest patience I've ever seen two men display.
I also couldn't tell them not to take those mushrooms a few days ago.
Silence again returned to the room, when suddenly Evan stomped quickly towards me, grabbed me by the back of my heahyjunhyyhy67uthhyuhttrgfvtrgft56
Entry 1:
Ainkara
Allyson
Awko
babydoll
Badlands
Banga3386
Blitzen
BoogieFevuh
Caulaincourt
chek
comicbookguy
cshape
DataForge22
Dino
EchoBoxing
Endo_Fire
Feazy
filmgeek
Fr057m0urn3
gamma
griffsrgr8
Herpes
I_have_a_fetish_fetish
indoninja
Kent_Weirdo
knucklesnelson
littledan
lizzers
maiorano84
Martyn_Steiner
MickGinny
mikethescottish
MikeyP3184
Muiro
Natalia_Everitt
Natsukau
OBEYnelson
Philst82
QueenAshlee
runninginplace
Salmon
seanfogy
shark25
Siren
Stabkill
steph
Teephphah
theres_a_cow_in_my_underpants
tidalfae
TigerLilly
Timmah
vodka7tall
Walrus_King
whiskey_jack
William_Q_Percy
WRECKER
39 eligible votes (56 total) *
Entry 2:
91teggyRS
Adamdidit2u
AlahAckbar
Ancius
Anjie
antluvdog
AshK
AshyLarry
Azriel
Beer_bong
Bigmike
BLITZKREIG_BOB
bob
Brdn_Nkd
CabaretGirl
Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar
CaptainAmik
cexshun
ChaoticFuntime
checkyourmail
chipolatte
Circe
congo
corn_nugget
Coyote
darko
DarthAwesome
DavyJones
Death_Metal_Dude
Degreeless_Capibara
Dirtbird
Disektor
DJMattB241
dodahdave
Domochevsky
DonkeyOnTheEdge
DrCactus
drstrangedhruv
dudette
Durae
DyingBreed
EatMeCompletely
electrictoothsyndrome
engine13
english_summer_rain
enraged_baboon
espo
ess-arr
evolydal
Falconer
FilthyAssistant
fog
FunnyAsCancer
G_Nonny
Genko
gibberish
girlreporter
Gnome
godking
Hairsphincter
hamilton
hcp28
Huber_the_Nose
humor_me
hyprspacd
iddqd
Ignore_the_Small_Print
Impassive-Digressive
Ingsoc
jack11058
Jack_McCallum
jimbo
JMG114
JohnGalt
Judoka
Julia
kabigon
Katastrofadark
Katja
kingjc
LadyPlural
Lechuga
legallady
lojope
loki
Loren1
lrw
lucid
Malificent
Method
MM_LP_Track3
Monarch
mountain24
munkeypants
NerfHerder
NetProphet
omnifica
OneCheapGeek
Orla
Papajoe
ParlorTrick
PatheticCapitalistFuck
Pentameter
Phinch
Pingu
polyamorousaj
potatomanjack
Pringles4eva
Quasiplasmohedron
Rainer
ralphmacchio
razmataz73
Razor
redraven
rurumon
salmonofdoubt
satchel
Scott_James
ScoutCJustice
screamfeeder
sebcharrot
shadow
shitfuck
Sideburns
Silkmaestro
SilvrWolf
sketch9
Slovin
Slypher
Smurfs
Snark
sparkle_pink
SPECIALk
spedmonkey
SpikeGoddess
Spiral_Abraxis
Spooner
stevie_says
Stin
strider
SullyThePirate
tammy
the_lone_stranger
The_Walrus
Therighteouswicked
tinactin
tlozoot
TonyMontana
Totally_useless
treblereel
triple_optics
ugaly
Vermin
wazzawazzayo
Wiggles
WiKi
Worm
Yes
yetti_girl
youarsoghey
YouLookLikeINeedADrink
Zeccs
Zoidberg
zombieZero
126 eligible votes (164 total) *
* Eligible votes are those made by users who had either (A) posted 3+ messages OR (B) written 100+ [lowered from 750+] reviews as of the beginning of the UberMadness! competition.
User Reviews
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-09-28 18:11:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by AlahAckbar (user info) at 2004-09-26 21:48:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Entry #2 again.
Submitted by tidalfae (user info) at 2004-09-26 17:56:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Pretty run of the mill, but got good feelings in it
Submitted by sketch9 (user info) at 2004-09-24 21:57:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
number one was heart-felt, and powerful. a real emotional tear-jerker. made me want to vote for it.
then i came upon number two. with its strange pointless ramblings of a drug escapade gone awry, and its chaotic use of esoteric frogs and sea turtles. Main points have been left out of the story exclusively, and for some reason the tie in to time travel and mushrooms was never quite explained. Strange comedic happenstances further expemplified the situation, making it all the more inane.
but i loved every freaking second of it.
Submitted by griffsrgr8 (user info) at 2004-09-24 21:35:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by rushtawin <rushtawin.at.yahoo.com> at 2004-09-24 19:29:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
:-D
Submitted by lrw (user info) at 2004-09-24 10:49:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"There's a frog on your head," Darius said.
"I'm aware of that," he replied.
loved that
Submitted by ParlorTrick (user info) at 2004-09-24 10:49:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Entry #1 - A nice story. Well written, but ...(forgive) somewhat predictable. I just didn't buy that this loving/involved father never told his child that he loved him.
Entry #2 - Recreational mushrooms sums it up. The dialogue and imagery was amusing and kept me entertained, but the story was disjointed and hard to follow - when not chemically enhanced.
Another day - I might have picked Entry 1.
Submitted by AlahAckbar (user info) at 2004-09-24 05:37:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No contest.
Submitted by Timmah (user info) at 2004-09-23 14:57:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by antluvdog (user info) at 2004-09-23 12:34:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think contestant #2 has finals potential.
Submitted by filmgeek (user info) at 2004-09-23 08:46:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by treblereel (user info) at 2004-09-22 12:17:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by gamma (user info) at 2004-09-22 08:54:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by arab <samiamin02.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-09-22 04:30:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good shit!
Submitted by Quasiplasmohedron (user info) at 2004-09-22 04:06:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If Douglas Adams had written #2 it would have had a very clever ending that tied everything together and made sense of it. I wish Douglas Adams had written #2.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2004-09-21 18:23:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very powerful.
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-09-21 11:36:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Huber_the_Nose (user info) at 2004-09-21 08:17:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by yetti_girl (user info) at 2004-09-20 19:35:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Cute.
Submitted by Vermin (user info) at 2004-09-20 18:31:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by WRECKER (user info) at 2004-09-20 16:52:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by littledan (user info) at 2004-09-20 16:34:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-09-20 15:14:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by Endo_Fire (user info) at 2004-09-20 13:58:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2004-09-20 11:34:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Walrus_King (user info) at 2004-09-20 11:09:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by DyingBreed (user info) at 2004-09-20 07:43:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
damn brad. that word is so overused. kind of rapes it in my opinion. the story was great, but GENIUS?
Submitted by DyingBreed (user info) at 2004-09-20 07:39:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
loved it
Submitted by TonyMontana (user info) at 2004-09-20 03:43:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I vote for Entry #2 just because Entry #1 was a piece of shit. Why the fuck does he cry like a bitch all the time? Isn't the kid supposed to cry on the first day of school? And where the was he hiding when his kid was going to school...behind one of the buses? Jesus Christ, if he loved his kid that much you'd think he would have told him/her a thousand times a day instead of crying all the time like a little bitch.
Submitted by Quasiplasmohedron (user info) at 2004-09-20 02:33:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
1 was pretty blah.
The intro to 2 was AWESOME and then it just got really weird and hard to follow, however it was still amusing. But 2 had almost nothing to do with the title.
Submitted by Papajoe (user info) at 2004-09-19 23:15:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-09-19 19:52:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Dino (user info) at 2004-09-19 11:14:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Blitzen (user info) at 2004-09-19 01:46:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
nice.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2004-09-19 00:30:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by legallady (user info) at 2004-09-18 22:57:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I really liked two...very different.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2004-09-18 22:38:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by YouLookLikeINeedADrink (user info) at 2004-09-18 20:27:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Natalia_Everitt (user info) at 2004-09-18 19:00:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Number one was really good. Number two was like... what the fuck?
Submitted by Rainer (user info) at 2004-09-18 18:20:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2004-09-18 15:32:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by razmataz73 (user info) at 2004-09-18 14:08:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
weird. but unique. (2)
Submitted by Ignore_the_Small_Print (user info) at 2004-09-18 11:34:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-09-18 11:26:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think the most mind-blowing part of 2 is how the title just sort of makes a guest appearance right at the end as an afterthought! Like, "oh by the way, I've been following these guys around with a laptop this whole time they've been doing this crazy shit....and I'm mute."
"jehgrndhnrhnrs" - ouch. I don't suggest playing with the dimensions of the story like that.
If M.C. Escher were a writer, this is what he would have done.
-------------------------------------------
BTW: Post 1, you had some nice emotion and all there, but you didn't go anywhere with the title. It was a bit predictable. You need a little more abstract thought perhaps.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-09-18 11:01:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Entry Two IS ABSOLUTE GENIUS! I don't know who did it...but it blew my already blown mind, which is to say, my brains are now leaking out of my ears! THANKS!
Whoever you are, you are probably my new favorite writer - not just on ubersite either!
PLUS.FUCKING.TWO!
...genius.
Submitted by Genko (user info) at 2004-09-18 09:26:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by salmonofdoubt (user info) at 2004-09-18 09:10:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Two reminded me of Douglas Adams.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2004-09-18 07:39:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-09-18 05:59:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked both of these. 1 edges it by being short and to the point, but both were good.
Submitted by CabaretGirl (user info) at 2004-09-18 05:34:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2004-09-18 05:27:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by ugaly (user info) at 2004-09-18 01:50:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by ralphmacchio (user info) at 2004-09-17 22:31:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
this probably won't win cause it's up against some tear jerker, but i'm voting for it anyways. kinda reminds me of a vulgar hitchiker's guide...good stuff.
Submitted by Rushtawin <rushtawin.at.yahoo.com> at 2004-09-17 22:18:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
w00t kickass story!!!
Submitted by tammy (user info) at 2004-09-17 20:48:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-09-17 19:57:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2004-09-17 19:52:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Entry 2 - total Vonnegut.
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-09-17 19:37:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by DataForge22 (user info) at 2004-09-17 19:20:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by drstrangedhruv (user info) at 2004-09-17 19:18:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-09-17 19:15:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
round 1 and dead people are already pissing me off.
Submitted by The_Walrus (user info) at 2004-09-17 18:48:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Funny.
Entry 1 was pretty weak.
Submitted by Feazy (user info) at 2004-09-17 18:27:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by hcp28 (user info) at 2004-09-17 18:11:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-09-17 17:44:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
+1 for entry 2.
Submitted by english_summer_rain (user info) at 2004-09-17 17:33:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant!!
Submitted by NetProphet (user info) at 2004-09-17 17:06:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I imagine the author of Post 2 will be in the top sixteen. He/she might even win.
Yes, the post was that good.
Submitted by tlozoot (user info) at 2004-09-17 16:43:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Woo Entry 2 was pretty darn good. Entry 1... Jesus. Come on people.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2004-09-17 16:43:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-09-17 16:00:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by BoogieFevuh (user info) at 2004-09-17 15:47:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Obvious choice
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2004-09-17 15:42:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy Shit that is funny. thanks for a good read.
Submitted by Azriel (user info) at 2004-09-17 15:25:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wow... i have a headache
Submitted by OBEYnelson (user info) at 2004-09-17 15:12:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
very good
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-09-17 15:04:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Number 2 is the best madness post I've read this season.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2004-09-17 14:33:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Screw that. Author two, be as random as you like. This is definitely my favorite part:
----------------------------------------------
"There's a frog on your head," Darius said.
"I'm aware of that," he replied.
Silence.
"You're just gunna leave it there?"
"Feels good."
Submitted by Author 2 at 2004-09-17 14:11:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yes, there were several writing elements that I borrowed from Douglas Adams, but in no way was it plagiarism. My goal was to entertain and apparently I've succeeded. I vow to be a little less random with my humor in the future.
Submitted by engine13 (user info) at 2004-09-17 14:02:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Okay. Sort of reminded me of Monty Python in a strange way.
Submitted by mountain24 (user info) at 2004-09-17 14:01:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-09-17 13:53:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-09-17 13:50:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No contest. This is easily one of the best posts I've ever read. It's a shame it wasn't up against something better than hackneyed, poorly done crap.
Absolutely brilliant job by the author of entry 2.
Submitted by Silkmaestro (user info) at 2004-09-17 13:22:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by strider (user info) at 2004-09-17 13:19:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
#1 was cliche. #2 was super-strange but an interesting concept.
Submitted by omnifica (user info) at 2004-09-17 13:15:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Monarch (user info) at 2004-09-17 13:02:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit! This was barely even a contest!
Entry One: More cliche UberMadness Sadness. Only works if it's going against more of the same.
Entry Two: Creative! Interesting! There is really no question who to vote for after this.
Submitted by satchel (user info) at 2004-09-17 12:46:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by dodahdave (user info) at 2004-09-17 12:41:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by MM_LP_Track3 (user info) at 2004-09-17 12:40:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2004-09-17 12:38:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-09-17 12:25:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
They both sucked, but entry two sucked in a more amusing fashion.
Submitted by vodka7tall (user info) at 2004-09-17 12:24:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-09-17 12:20:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by PatheticCapitalistFuck (user info) at 2004-09-17 12:17:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
1 was damn good, once you tune out the multiple "my-instead-of-me" errors, but 2 had more substance, plot and story, and held my attention.
Not spectacular, but solid +1, Made me smile.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2004-09-17 12:17:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by lucid (user info) at 2004-09-17 12:15:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
#1 - This post is sad, and I'm not talking about the story.
#2 - I enjoyed the setup. Was witty and funny. Good job.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2004-09-17 12:06:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i love time travel...
Submitted by Muiro (user info) at 2004-09-17 12:01:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I enjoyed reading both entries.
The first was touching in a non-cliche kind of way.
The second entry was interresting. It was very Douglas Adams. "Nothing happenned with such a force..." was a good line. The ending, however, was a big let down. It was for this reason that I voted for entry one.
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2004-09-17 12:00:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Katja (user info) at 2004-09-17 11:56:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-09-17 11:56:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-09-17 11:25:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by espo (user info) at 2004-09-17 11:19:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by godking (user info) at 2004-09-17 11:11:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
#2 is stupid--yet amusing. Here's my vote.
GK
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2004-09-17 11:05:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Anjie (user info) at 2004-09-17 11:04:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I couldn't go with saddness
Submitted by kingjc (user info) at 2004-09-17 11:03:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
entry 2 because its totally unlike anything on ubermadness so far and made me laugh at the end.
Submitted by Anjie (user info) at 2004-09-17 11:03:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I enjoyed these both. Tough choice. But since it's Friday morning, I could go with saddness....
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2004-09-17 10:59:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"When I was lying next to your mother"
I thought that was the start of an insult when I read it.
hehehehe
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-09-17 10:45:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
author 2 made my brain bleed.
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2004-09-17 10:42:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Best entry for UM I've read thus far.
Submitted by babydoll (user info) at 2004-09-17 10:42:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rurumon (user info) at 2004-09-17 10:40:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Ever read hitch hikers guide to the galaxy? story 2 was a mediocre attempt at that writing style.
And for the love of all things holy, these depressing stories that involve the death of a loved one are really grating on my soul.
Submitted by runninginplace (user info) at 2004-09-17 10:30:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Allyson (user info) at 2004-09-17 10:24:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i didn't really... "get" number two.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2004-09-17 10:17:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Wow to both.
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2004-09-17 10:14:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
the ubermadness scoreboard indicates i have not voted for this. so i am voting again
Submitted by DrCactus (user info) at 2004-09-17 10:05:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm a fan of Time travel and all that, and thought that this was hillarious. A mute. And the head smashing at the end. Bravo.
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2004-09-17 09:56:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
always gotta be grappling with gravity...
Submitted by Martyn_Steiner (user info) at 2004-09-17 09:54:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I hate them both, but I refuse to vote for two because of;
"For the purpose of setting your mind at ease, there is no death in this story, with the slight exception of a single unfortunate accident that takes the life of an unlucky sea turtle, and an explosion that causes no damage whatsoever to anything."
I've read 'The Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy', too.
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2004-09-17 09:53:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
#2 was not bad, in fact I wish I could have voted for it because the author obviously put some real thought into it. Unfortunately I dont think like that.
Submitted by Julia (user info) at 2004-09-17 09:53:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2004-09-17 09:49:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just read entry 2 again. It's fucking hilarious.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2004-09-17 09:43:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
#1 was very heartfelt. I voted #2 because it made me laugh.
Submitted by wazzawazzayo (user info) at 2004-09-17 09:43:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Douglas Adams is back from the dead and competing in UberMadness? Great, now I gotta stock up on zombie repellant (shotguns and ammo).
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-09-17 09:31:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Only because 1 was too sappy for me this morning.
I thought 2 was a little too random, but still pretty good.
Submitted by redraven (user info) at 2004-09-17 09:27:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by hyprspacd (user info) at 2004-09-17 09:27:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
1 was good but a bit too cliche.
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2004-09-17 09:24:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Entry 2 gets my vote not only because it was good, but because it wasn't predictable and sappy.
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2004-09-17 09:18:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Julia (user info) at 2004-09-17 09:16:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You had me at "moist frog."
Submitted by Judoka (user info) at 2004-09-17 09:15:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by cexshun (user info) at 2004-09-17 09:11:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Vote for 2. I've had it with sap and death already.
Submitted by zombieZero (user info) at 2004-09-17 09:11:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Entry 2 was weird, but in kind of a Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas meets Sealab 2021 kind of way. I kind of liked it. There didn't seem to be much point to its weirdness, but it had style. Entry 1 just didn't grab me.
Submitted by Dirtbird (user info) at 2004-09-17 09:00:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Totally_useless (user info) at 2004-09-17 08:51:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
#2 was incoherent, made little sense, but sounded like a Douglas Adams novel.
So be it.
Submitted by hamilton (user info) at 2004-09-17 08:42:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-09-17 08:42:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
#1 was the same old sappy cliche.
#2 made me think of Mr. Peabody and the way-back machine.
Submitted by 91teggyRS (user info) at 2004-09-17 08:40:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2004-09-17 08:39:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the +2 is for #2
Submitted by WiKi (user info) at 2004-09-17 08:36:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-09-17 08:27:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Spiral_Abraxis (user info) at 2004-09-17 08:14:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
1 was so boring and more of the lame shit that we've been seeing here in UM.
2 was a fucking breath of fresh air and was so obscure I just had to vote for it.
Submitted by Philst82 (user info) at 2004-09-17 07:39:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by DarthAwesome (user info) at 2004-09-17 07:32:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
omg omg omg post 2
Submitted by Malificent (user info) at 2004-09-17 07:03:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Terry Pratchett would be fucking proud.
Submitted by I_have_a_fetish_fetish (user info) at 2004-09-17 07:01:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
For the purpose of setting your mind at ease, there is no death in this story, with the slight exception of a single unfortunate accident that takes the life of an unlucky sea turtle, and an explosion that causes no damage whatsoever to anything.""""
Blant copy of douglas adams
Submitted by Author 2 at 2004-09-17 06:54:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You might be interested to know that I actually had to bang my head against my keyboard for that ending.
I had fun, what can I say.
Submitted by Slovin (user info) at 2004-09-17 06:48:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by I_have_a_fetish_fetish (user info) at 2004-09-17 06:45:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/m/45291
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-09-17 06:44:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Loved this one. LOVED IT.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-09-17 06:36:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Worm (user info) at 2004-09-17 06:27:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Number 1 was good, I liked it a lot but I´m kid of ´sapped out´.
Number 2 was superb. Best entry yet (?)
Submitted by Natsukau (user info) at 2004-09-17 05:57:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Orla (user info) at 2004-09-17 05:49:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by triple_optics (user info) at 2004-09-17 05:36:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-09-17 05:34:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was really hard to choose. Really hard. Infact, I still don't know which one to vote for...
Submitted by CaptainAmik (user info) at 2004-09-17 05:33:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ancius (user info) at 2004-09-17 05:10:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Genius Weirdness
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2004-09-17 04:54:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The last line on entry 1 wasn't necessary. The "..." thing said it all.
Submitted by DavyJones (user info) at 2004-09-17 04:32:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by evolydal (user info) at 2004-09-17 03:38:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Salmon (user info) at 2004-09-17 03:26:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2004-09-17 03:22:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by steph (user info) at 2004-09-17 03:19:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Banga3386 (user info) at 2004-09-17 03:03:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by enraged_baboon (user info) at 2004-09-17 02:57:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
entry 2... wasnt really impressed, but you wrote better than entry 1 and yours was original, unlike entry 1 which made me wanna puke
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-09-17 02:54:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
...
Submitted by Falconer (user info) at 2004-09-17 02:45:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Entry 2 pwned.
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2004-09-17 02:36:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I was eating a bagel with 4 inches of cream cheese on it and read this:
"There is a man in an armchair holding a moist frog to his temple."
I almost threw up. Thus, my vote is for entry 1. Even though I loved Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.
Submitted by Pringles4eva (user info) at 2004-09-17 02:35:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
entry one was short and sweet, 2 edged.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2004-09-17 02:34:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
good post, but the fact that i hate my mom meant you had it won regardless
Submitted by Domochevsky (user info) at 2004-09-17 02:28:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
So.....Random.....
But good.
Submitted by kabigon (user info) at 2004-09-17 02:25:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2004-09-17 02:17:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by fog (user info) at 2004-09-17 02:02:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-09-17 01:49:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by seanfogy (user info) at 2004-09-17 01:49:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
number 1 is the fucking bomb bitches
Submitted by ChaoticFuntime (user info) at 2004-09-17 01:31:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious.
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2004-09-17 01:29:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
1 was all cliches.
2 wasn't. 2 was different.
different is good.
Submitted by Pingu (user info) at 2004-09-17 01:03:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Because nobody died.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2004-09-17 01:00:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
2 was pretty funny, but I have to give it up to 1. That was just quality writing. 2 was just silly.
Submitted by girlreporter (user info) at 2004-09-17 00:51:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Both of these were exceptional...the author of the second piece just seemed to be more creative, tis all.
Submitted by Katastrofadark (user info) at 2004-09-17 00:48:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Couldn't understand what the hell was happening in number 2 but I loved it all the same. Number 1 was just too much a cliche. Especially since it seems to follow with the overall theme of Ubermadness so far. Number 2 spun a whole new twist on that title. Original even
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-09-17 00:48:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2004-09-17 00:41:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2004-09-17 00:37:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by checkyourmail (user info) at 2004-09-17 00:36:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Fr057m0urn3 (user info) at 2004-09-17 00:35:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Entry 1 reads like a chain email. Entry 2 reads like a
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-09-17 00:32:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I loved #2.
Submitted by Zeccs (user info) at 2004-09-17 00:31:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2004-09-17 00:25:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Ever see the movie 'Gigli'?"
Evan threw up.
-----------
Haha, word. I'm sick of sad stories. So entry 2 gets my vote.
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2004-09-17 00:23:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Therighteouswicked (user info) at 2004-09-17 00:18:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Gnome (user info) at 2004-09-17 00:17:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
either mushroom induced or a reasonable facsimilie.
good stuff either way.
#2
Submitted by Lechuga (user info) at 2004-09-17 00:16:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Entry 2 = fucking great.
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2004-09-17 00:15:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You're mah boy, blue.
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-09-17 00:13:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've never seen such powerful ownage. The genius of entry 2 amazes me. The author of Entry 1 should bow his head in shame for being such a prick. Well, I guess he can't help it, he just felt too lazy to write something decent. Entry 1 was SHITE.
Submitted by Awko (user info) at 2004-09-17 00:07:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I nearly cri.......
I nearly got something in my eye.
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2004-09-17 00:07:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahaha
+2 for entry 2. That was awesome. Hetero lifemate, the surreal, absurd, Douglas Adams-esque humor, freakin great.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-09-17 00:03:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fina-fucking-lly
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2004-09-17 00:02:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2004-09-16 23:58:20 (#)
Ranking: 2
I have no idea what that had to do with "couldn't say it," but it was trippy and awesome. +2 for 2
----------
"Although I had been wanting to tell them for some time that I was a mute, via my computer screen, they had been ignoring me with the greatest patience I've ever seen two men display.
I also couldn't tell them not to take those mushrooms a few days ago."
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2004-09-17 00:01:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I really want to cry now. Goddammit.
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2004-09-16 23:58:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have no idea what that had to do with "couldn't say it," but it was trippy and awesome. +2 for 2
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2004-09-16 23:57:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The second one was a bit long, but at least it was a pretty original story.
I am getting really sick of people mourning lost wives/husbands/girlfriends/boyfriends and children. And it is only early in U.M.
Submitted by ScoutCJustice (user info) at 2004-09-16 23:54:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Number two is brilliance. Sheer brilliance. Of course, I'm a sucker for the whole Vonnegut-esque style of writing, but 2 is the best Ubermadness post so far.
And one of the characters shared my first name so yeah, it had that going for it.
Submitted by humor_me (user info) at 2004-09-16 23:53:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-09-16 23:53:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Slypher (user info) at 2004-09-16 23:52:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BEST ENTRY YET, FOR FUCKS SAKE!!!!!!
2222222222!!!!!!
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2004-09-16 23:50:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great post. And the second entry was just weird.
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2004-09-16 23:49:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I cannot express in words how awesome entry 2 was. It was on the verge of complete stupidity at least 8 times, but I couldn't stop laughing.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2004-09-16 23:46:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2004-09-16 23:45:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Frankly, I wasn't too crazy about either of these, but two wins for ambition and at least attempting to be different from what we have seen so far.
Submitted by OneCheapGeek (user info) at 2004-09-16 23:44:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm so sick of the tear-jerkers that I'm voting for....well, whatever #2 was.
Submitted by MikeyP3184 (user info) at 2004-09-16 23:42:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jack11