Why You Shouldn't Light Yourself On Fire (3954 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.89 on 60 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Sideburns (View user info) at 2004-09-17 02:44:27 EDT
When I was younger, I always liked watching magic shows on television as well as actually going to some shows. I was so amazed with the mystery, that--
I had to find out how the hell these bastards were mind-fucking me with their disappearing elephants.
I watched the FOX shows that uncovered the secrets of some of the greatest magic tricks of all time. I found out how they actually made a huge elephant disappear, I found out how they did the escape from the box of spikes, I found out how they sawed women in half.
I'll be damned because I still can't explain to you where that bunny in the hat came from.
When I was 10 years old, I got the greatest Christmas present a kid could ask for. Much like the main character in A Christmas Story got his BB gun, I received the equivalent-- A Marshall Brodine Magic Kit.
Oh master magician Marshall Brodine, thank you for the magic kit and the sweet-ass tape to show me how to do the more complicated tricks. How sweet it is to be loved by you.
Within hours, I was wowing the kids on the block when I made red balls appear out of the palm of my hand, did killer card tricks. I was getting ready for my show closer-- making my sister disappear inside of a cardboard box. While others were dreaming, Sideburns was making it happen.
As I was setting up the box, the neighborhood bully, Daniel started walking into my backyard.
"What the hell's going on here? Aww, how cute. Little kid's putting on a magic show."
"Daniel, you're in my yard."
"Whatchu gonna do little boy? Make me disappear?"
"Well.. sure... step into this cardboard box."
"I don't have time for these sissy tricks. Any kids wanna see a real magic trick? Check this out."
In a smartass move, he pulled out his wallet.
"Money! Now you see it.."
He put the wallet back in his pocket.
"Now you don't."
I was ready to beat the living crap out of him, but I didn't. Namely because he was 14 years old. Practically an adult. He had a mustache.
"You little kids wanna see a real show? Come to my backyard tomorrow at 12."
With that, this fucker stole my audience. I decided to call my dream of being a magician quits and went for an easier goal-- Kid Cuisines frozen trays. What? It came with a cool prize every time.
"Justin, how'd your magic show go?", my mom smiled at me as I reached up into the freezer.
"Fuck magic, mom. Fuck it in its goddamn ass."
So after I had several bars of soap shoved in my mouth, I went to bed and made up my mind to see Daniel's show tomorrow. Was it a magic show? Only time would tell.
12 o'clock, the whole neighborhood of kids gathered in Daniel's backyard. I sat in the back as he stood in front of everyone, a box at his side.
"LADIES AND FAGGOTS..."
I'm assuming I cover the faggot portion of the show.
"What I'm going to do has never been attempted before by anyone, ever! I'm going to light myself on fire, then put it out without using water!"
Never been attempted before? I think he means it had never been attempted by an unsupervised idiot.
With that said, he pulled a red gas can out of the box and started splashing gasonline onto himself. No way he's going to do this. No way in hell--
He pulled out a lighter and gave us his final words-- "I bet you pussies wish you were this cool."
He means we wish we were that stupid, right? The little kids watched in amazement, some in fear. I was just waiting for the inevitable.
He lit the lighter and within seconds, his shirt caught on fire as he stood there. Suddenly, he started screaming.
"HELP! HELP! PUT IT OUT! PUT IT OUT! MOM!!!"
He burned the shit out of himself, which as you might not know, is usually what happens when you light yourself on fire.
The kids started scattering, running to their respective homes. I just ran to the edge of the yard and watched in horror as his dad ran outside. Daniel was sprayed with the hose as his screams filled the neighborhood streets. He was sent by ambulance to the local hospital and was released within a few days with permanant scars.
From that day forward, I focused on my magic career. I've since turned to comedy and improv, seeing as how it's easier to tell a joke than it is to make an elephant disappear-- or light an elephant on fire, whichever you prefer.
As for Daniel, everbody called him Freddy from that day forward.
-Sideburns
User Reviews
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2006-03-01 19:36:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Fuck magic, mom. Fuck it in its goddamn ass."
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2005-12-12 02:23:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by trent_nz (user info) at 2005-12-11 22:26:31 (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice work man like the entire series!
Submitted by trent_nz (user info) at 2005-12-11 22:26:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice work man like the entire series!
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-10-15 15:25:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Been there. Done that.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/28906
Submitted by Xile (user info) at 2004-10-15 15:04:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Baka at 2004-10-10 21:36:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
XDDDDD
'fuck magic, mom, fuck it in its god damn ass..' you were already a pimp....
Submitted by Purplemonkeydishwasher (user info) at 2004-09-30 23:12:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Nightmare on Elm STreet tiger.
I like ur work sideburns
Feeling stupid i know i am
-Homer Simpson
Submitted by honeycake (user info) at 2004-09-26 17:09:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I read this, maybe.
Submitted by Quasiplasmohedron (user info) at 2004-09-26 16:50:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why would they call him Freddy?
Submitted by gibberish (user info) at 2004-09-25 18:55:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Fuck magic, mom. Fuck it in its goddamn ass."
Submitted by hyprspacd (user info) at 2004-09-21 15:34:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Abracadabra
Submitted by BoogieFevuh (user info) at 2004-09-20 15:57:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit, this post is golden
Submitted by mxc_jwebber (user info) at 2004-09-19 12:46:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
the bunny is stored in a black pouch hanging off the edge of the magician's side of the table. When he flips the hat upside down, he puts the bunny in it, and flips it back up. it was on one of the other shows.
Submitted by 01011010 (user info) at 2004-09-18 17:56:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Lechuga (user info) at 2004-09-18 01:51:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should have taken a magic cane and shoved it up his ass. What a retard.
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2004-09-18 00:38:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A another great post. Man you are "on fire" lately.
Pun totally intended. BOOYA!
Submitted by WiKi (user info) at 2004-09-17 18:10:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The little kids watched in amazement, some in fear. I was just waiting for the inevitable.
Submitted by ASSMAN (user info) at 2004-09-17 13:41:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2004-09-17 13:23:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you keep amusing me.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2004-09-17 12:56:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2004-09-17 11:44:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Don_Megga (user info) at 2004-09-17 11:18:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Cool story, Hansel.
p.s. people need to rate the story and not the user. it was amusing, yes, but it didnt kick that much ass. i mean, all he did was watch some dumbass set himself on fire. i've seen way dumber things being done.
Submitted by runninginplace (user info) at 2004-09-17 11:17:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MadDawg (user info) at 2004-09-17 11:13:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sideburns I've been reading this site for weeks now and you never seem to stop amazing me. The only bad thing about your writing is that it seems to get me into trouble at work from laughing.
Submitted by wazzawazzayo (user info) at 2004-09-17 11:09:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Burns!
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2004-09-17 11:01:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha! What a dumbass.
Submitted by Fuckalala (user info) at 2004-09-17 10:45:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Fuck magic, mom. Fuck it in its goddamn ass."
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-09-17 10:32:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Fuck magic, mom. Fuck it in its goddamn ass."
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2004-09-17 10:30:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You know...most kids that do magic acts tend to be losers that do magic at pizza places for tips...you may be the exception to that rule
good story
Submitted by Natalienu (user info) at 2004-09-17 10:16:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha!! aww shit a fucking brick Sideburns! hahaha! your stories crack me up man!!!
Keep em coming!
If only I had the time to sit and write - or to let my mind wander enough to think up some original shit!
Nat xx
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-09-17 10:15:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Goddamn it, I walked off w/o rating again.
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2004-09-17 10:08:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sideburns kicks ass. So does lighting stuff on fire...
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-09-17 09:39:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I really hope you continually mocked his scarred appearance, so as to scar him emotionally too. Bastard! Then, starting the next year at school, tell all the new kids that he got the scars from trying some perverted sex act on himself that involved fire. He could be shunned like a leper! And carry a lighter so if he ever threatened you, you could just hold it up and make him run like a pansy. Is that gasoline I smell? HAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH
Submitted by funk_boy (user info) at 2004-09-17 09:20:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Some dude done something very similar in a park near here. He be dead now.
Submitted by sublime (user info) at 2004-09-17 08:57:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
tell a story where you don't come out on top.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-09-17 08:37:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahhh, what would we do without stupid people?
Great story.
Submitted by Uber. (user info) at 2004-09-17 08:33:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Uber.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-09-17 08:26:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Justin, how'd your magic show go?", my mom smiled at me as I reached up into the freezer.
"Fuck magic, mom. Fuck it in its goddamn ass."
HAHAHAHAHAHA awesome!
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-09-17 06:05:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Fuck magic, mom. Fuck it in its goddamn ass."
You were very angry as a child, weren't you?
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2004-09-17 06:00:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You Rule!
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-09-17 05:44:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love burn stories.
Submitted by mr.awesome (user info) at 2004-09-17 05:34:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Katastrofadark (user info) at 2004-09-17 05:26:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now that was entertainment there.
Submitted by Midnight_Laydee (user info) at 2004-09-17 05:16:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
See? The stupid will eventually die out!!! I don't get what the kid thought he was going to do to put the fire out...let it take it's course? Thick sunofagun.
Great post.
Submitted by Envenom at 2004-09-17 04:35:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Meh. Not your best stuff Burnsy.
Submitted by Random Jane <janesanders94.at.gmail.com> at 2004-09-17 04:27:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You know you wrote a good post when reviewers are quoting lines from your post in their reviews.
Then again, you're Sideburns. You always write good posts.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-09-17 04:22:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't see the picture, but I love you anyway.
Submitted by Disektor (user info) at 2004-09-17 04:09:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Fuck magic, mom. Fuck it in its goddamn ass."
Agreed. Best live ever.
Sympathy's review was also pretty funny
Submitted by Sympathy (user info) at 2004-09-17 03:25:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Daniel has the deepest me
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2004-09-17 03:22:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Fuck magic, mom. Fuck it in its goddamn ass."
Hahahaha. That general phrase is a regular in my vocabulary.
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-09-17 03:18:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking brilliant Sideburns.
Submitted by dudette (user info) at 2004-09-17 03:14:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love your posts like a fat kid loves cake.
Submitted by bargled (user info) at 2004-09-17 03:08:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
see you in the finals (or somewhere) beeyotch
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2004-09-17 03:06:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Suddenly, he started screaming.
"HELP! HELP! PUT IT OUT! PUT IT OUT! MOM!!!"
_________
HAHAA
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2004-09-17 03:01:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHA
Submitted by Krautski (user info) at 2004-09-17 03:01:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
He burned the shit out of himself, which as you might not know, is usually what happens when you light yourself on fire.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2004-09-17 02:58:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love stories where the butthole gets his cumuppence (I think I just spelt a perfectly ordinary word a dirty way, fuck dictionary.com I can't be bothered).
Lovely story, I wonder how you manage to squeeze out like a story a day and them all still be good.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-09-17 02:54:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by G_Nonny (user info) at 2004-09-17 02:51:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha very nice.
Submitted by zxcvvcxz (user info) at 2004-09-17 02:49:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"He burned the shit out of himself, which as you might not know, is usually what happens when you light yourself on fire."
The last time I lit myself on fire, I literally shit my pants.