Snacks (4840 hits)
Category: UberMadness!Rating: 0.41 on 356 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Uber Madness 2004 (View user info) at 2004-09-17 11:00:42 EDT
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Entry 1
It woke up hungry and opened its doors. It was time to feed the company's cause.The parking structure rumbled and the cars delivered the people. Those who were paid to be consumed funneled into the building, human ingredients of the corporate recipe.
The corridors swelled with the eight o'clock binge of workers who mingled briefly before submerging into the belly of business. It loosened its belt to accommodate the day's helping.
The company's servings settled into their positions on the corporate pyramid, some more essential than others to the corporate health, each person's contents was declared on their pre-employment packaging, each individual a specialty available in abundance at the company's beckoning.
The flow of energy surged through its networks. The numbers crunched. The ideas flowed. The results were sugar coated. The corporation sampled new and improved flavors of advancement. The stale and broken old stand-bys were ignored or discarded. The company reached for the new packaging of innovation - smaller, leaner, and better for the bottom line.
Business boomed. Its stomach churned, hungry for growth and instant gratification - another piece of pie. It shifted uneasily in its structure fighting the weight and expense of the bulk it carried.
No one dared limit its portions, its size much too great for that. It chewed on the hearts and brains of its workers every moment on the clock.
The evening came and it closed its doors, sleepy from the feast. The worker's remains in their cars, expelled from the beast.
While it slept the workers restocked their supplies and closed their eyes after counting out their pay.
Morning came, its stomach growled and the parking structure rumbled.
- VS -
Entry 2
....................................... (Ubermadness Entry) ...........................
There are frankfurters in the fridge and hotdog buns in the bread-bin. There is onion and processed cheese and a bottle of BBQ sauce.
I think I will have two, three or possibly four hotdogs.
Alternatively, maybe I should boil up a huge pile of spaghetti. Enough for two heaped plates. I have some very nice parmesan cheese, butter, salt and pepper. Or I could add a tin of chili tuna.
Of course, I'm not actually hungry.
I'm sad. I'm angry. I'm confused. I'm lazy. I'm weak. I'm frustrated. I'm a failure.
And I'm a coward.
I haven't got the guts to walk into my office with a baseball bat and smash that bitch in the teeth. I haven't got the guts to take my wife over my knee and smack her bottom. I haven't got the guts to cover myself in petrol in front of Parliament House and set fire to myself.
I feel like some cinnamon toast.
No problem.
Look - here's a jar in my cupboard, full of cinnamon. Cinnamon, for fuck's sake! In an old jam jar. Once the most exotic and treasured spice in the world. How many ships were lost with all hands in the pursuit of cinnamon?? How many natives enslaved?
I feel like a hamburger. I feel like some french fries. I feel like some pizza. I feel like some sausages. I feel like some chocolate. I feel like some potato chips.
No problem.
I can just drive my car down to the local shop. Maybe not now. I think I will have those hotdogs now. Yes, I will. But later. Tonight. Or Tomorrow. Or the next day.
Now I'm going to watch the football and eat my hotdogs. I love to stuff myself with food while I lie on my bed watching fit muscular athletes do exciting things.
I haven't got the guts to take a sledgehammer to this fucking house. I haven't got the guts to smash this fucking computer. I haven't got the guts to assassinate a politician.
25,000 children dead every day from hunger.
My wife nagged me about bathroom renovations. It's never OK to hit a woman. It's never OK to hit a woman. It's never OK to hit a woman. It's never OK to hit a woman. I saw that on a TV advertisement. Many times. A 'federal government initiative'.
Then she told me to get out of HER house. As I left I said to my little four year-old boy 'goodbye, I hope you have a happy life'. He waved goodbye. He looked confused and worried.
Of course, this is just a passing thing. I'm a little bit down now. I'll get back on track soon, before I've really bloated up. I'm only about ten kilos overweight. I'll start exercising. I'll start eating apples and fruit and all that other stuff in the supermarket that I avoid now.
Imagine what those starving cunts in the poor countries would make of a tour of our local supermarket. I'm sure they would be quite taken aback. Gleaming mountains of apples and potatoes. Brussel sprouts. Cauliflowers. Shelves and shelves and shelves of dogfood. Fridges full of pies. Meat everywhere. Child safety car seats. Child safety helmets for bike riding. Disinfectant. Sun dried tomatoes. Toilet paper. Not to mention all the cinnamon.
Terrorists are evil, never forget that. Evil. Evil. Evil. Evil. Evil. Evil Evil. Evil. Evil. Evil. Evil. Evil Evil. Evil. Evil. Evil. Evil. Evil Evil. Evil. Evil. Evil. Evil. Evil Evil. Evil. Evil. Evil. Evil. Evil Evil. Evil. Evil. Evil. Evil. Evil Evil. Evil. Evil. Evil. Evil. Evil Evil. Evil. Evil. Evil. Evil. Evil Evil. Evil. Evil. Evil. Evil. Evil Evil. Evil. Evil. Evil. Evil. Evil Evil. Evil. Evil. Evil. Evil. Evil Evil. Evil. Evil. Evil. Evil. Evil Evil. Evil. Evil. Evil. Evil. Evil Evil. Evil. Evil. Evil. Evil. Evil Evil. Evil. Evil. Evil. Evil. Evil Evil. Evil. Evil. Evil. Evil
But here's a tip - no fuck it why bother if you don't know by now me telling you won't help.
25,000 CHILDREN STARVING EVERY DAY, that can't be true I bet the evil terrorists made that up.
It's a just a phase. I'll pull out of it soon. Ten kilos is no big deal. Do some laps of the pool. Eat some tabouli. No more snacks! Once I get through this little phase, I mean, then I'll stop the snacks. I might even tackle the bathroom renovations myself. I'm certainly not paying twelve thousand fucking dollars to have some incompetent deceitful prick lay a few tiles. Everyone thinks I'm a complete cunt, but as a matter of fact when I put my mind to it I can DIY with the best of them. I painted this whole house and polished the floorboards, I bet you didn't know that.
They're kicking off in ten minutes, so I better get those hotdogs ready.
I really DO recommend hotdogs with cheese, onions (diced, not sliced) and bbq sauce.
Ps: Here's how you make cinnamon toast: mix cinnamon and sugar fifty-fifty in a little bowl. Sprinkle generously on buttered toast. It IS delicious.
............................................... Snacks ................................
.............................. (Optional Supplementary Material) ..............
I trudged along past all the familiar shops - the same franchises that fill every fucking mall in the country. I was only dimly aware of them because as usual my attention was robotically focussed on the arses of the women who walked ahead of me and the tits of the women who approached me. I was also trying to decide what kind of cheap and greasy snack I should stuff into my mouth when I reached my destination, the Food Hall.
Preoccupied in this way, I almost didn't notice it.
I walked along for several more shops then stopped and thought "Did I just see that?". I turned around and walked back, and it was indeed there.
Where there had once been a well-known bookstore franchise, open and inviting like all the shops in the mall, there was now an opaque wall of black glass and a black wooden door. Written on the door in grey lettering were the words:
"VINTAGE LIES
Please Enter"
I stood for a while staring at this strange door, nervous tension building up inside me. On impulse, I grasped the door handle, turned it, pushed the door open, and stepped through.
I found myself in a spacious rectangular room, paved with stone, a small stone fountain at its center. All four walls were lined from floor to ceiling with bookshelves. In the corner to my left was the only other occupant of the room - a young woman who appeared to be asleep on a chaise lounge.
I closed the door behind me, shutting out the noise of the mall. I walked over to the woman.
She had thick black hair and Italian features. She looked very comfortable, stretched out on the couch. An open book lay face-down on her tummy. The top few buttons of her shirt were undone, revealing a plump cleavage.
Next to her couch was an antique desk with a computer monitor and a modern looking cash register. I picked up a business card from a clear plastic holder:
Sophia Chiavenna
Manager
Vintage Lies
Antiquarian Book Dealer
(Fiction Only)
So it was a bookshop. I walked around for a while, marvelling at the beautiful old books, at the same time feeling like I was in an Italian piazza. The only sounds were my footsteps on the stone floor and the gentle cascade of the fountain.
In the sanctuary of this room I felt a different man to the rough beast that moments ago had been slouching towards the Food Hall. Greasy snacks were now the last thing on my mind.
I was drawn back to where Sophia slept. I reached down and gently lifted her hand from the book on her lap. I picked the book up, my fingers brushing her abdomen as I did so.
The book carried only a single word on its plain white cover: "Snacks".
How odd. How extremely fucking odd.
Just as I was about to open it a sleepy voice said:
"Ah, benne! A customer!"
She reached up with a smile and took the book back from me. "This is a rather special book. Shall I tell you what it is about?"
"Please do" I replied, taken aback by the color of her eyes - I had never seen such dark blue eyes before.
She lifted herself to a sitting postion, at the same time stretching in a languid, flirtatious way that emphasised her breasts.
"Well, this is a book documenting the history of snacks. Within these pages, you can discover the kinds of snacks enjoyed by a Roman emperor, a German peasant in the Middle Ages, a Chinese scholar from the Tang Dynasty, a Masai warrior, an Eskimo, or a child in 1950's USA. Did you know, for example, that the ancient Egyptians drank a beverage very similar to a chocolate milkshake, and they did so with straws fashioned from papyrus reeds?"
"I did not, and that does indeed sound fascinating. But I thought this bookstore specialised only in fiction?"
"It does! This book is complete fiction! None of the snacks in here are actually real. It's all lies"
"Oh"
"You sound dissappointed" she said and paused for a moment. "Actually, I was just teasing you. 'Snacks' is really a novel about Jenny, an American teenage girl, and her courageous struggle with bulemia. It shows how the media creates unrealistic expectations that young women today simply cannot live up to. Such insight! It's a sad and moving book, but also very empowering. In the end, Jenny not only overcomes bulemia, rape by her drug-abusing stepfather, ADHD and inappropriate peer group pressure in her high school, she also discovers her g-spot and the beautiful liberation of masturbation with battery operated appliances and lesbian pornography. Ah, bellisimo, bellisimo!"
"Er.."
"You think it's cliched? Yes, you're quite right. Of course it is! I was only teasing you. 'Snacks' is really a shocking horror story about a mad serial killer called Ralph who, wait for it, eats his victims! Can you imagine that!" She clapped her hands with delight. I noticed that as she got more enthusiastic and spoke more quickly her faint Italian accent became more pronounced. "The cops are tied up in red tape. But thank goodness the hero, Josh, an unconventionial detective, throws in his badge and with the help of his wisecracking retired former partner tracks down Ralph, just as that sick motherfucker is about to snack on Josh's little 5 year old boy! It's a thrilling read, and there's also this great vein of Seinfeldian humour running through it, like in Pulp Fiction. You know the kind of thing - hardcore criminals chatting about the quirks of inflight catering while they torture people. Very sophisticato".
"I see, er..."
"I was only teasing you again! Come and sit next to me and I'll tell you what it's really about." She patted the couch and I complied. I was in some kind of state of shock.
"Okay. A depressive young man is trudging along through a shopping mall on his way to a habitual greasy snack when he discovers a very unusual looking shop. Within the shop he finds a sleeping beauty."
She gave me an exagerated 'meaningful look', and continued.
"The sleeping beauty awakens and they sit on the couch together while she tells him a story from a mysterious and possibly magical book. In this book is a story about a depressive young man who is trudging along through a shopping mall on his way to a habitual greasy snack when he discovers a very unusual looking shop. Within the shop he finds a sleeping beauty"
She paused again. "Are you following me?"
I nodded.
"The sleeping beauty awakens and they sit on the couch together while she tells him a story from a mysterious and possibly magical book. In this book is a story about a depressive young man who is trudging along through a shopping mall on his way to a habitual greasy snack when he discovers a very unusual looking shop. Within the shop he finds a sleeping beauty
"The sleeping beauty awakens and they sit on the couch together while she tells him a story from a mysterious and possibly magical book. In this book is a story about a depressive young man who is trudging along through a shopping mall on his way to a habitual greasy snack when he discovers a very unusual looking shop. Within the shop he finds a sleeping beauty
"The sleeping beauty awakens and they sit on the couch together while she tells him a story from a mysterious and possibly magical book. In this book is a story about a depressive young man who is trudging along through a shopping mall on his way to a habitual greasy snack when he discovers a very unusual looking shop. Within the shop he finds a sleeping beauty"
And so on.
.......................................... .. Snacks
............................Extra Supplementary Material for the Masochistic
She put a hand on my knee and looked with playfull earnestness into my eyes "Shall I continue"
"Well, er..."
"Good. Now the story gets interesting. The sleeping beauty awakens and says to the man 'I expect you're wondering what the fuck is going on'.
"They sit on the couch together. She talks about fiction. Isn't it just lies? Or could it possibly be that there is actually some reality, some existance, to fantasy? Is it, like religion, a matter of faith? Of belief? Make believe. Is it really possible to make believe?
"When the girl asks these questions, the man suddenly feels doubt. This whole thing - this bookshop, this girl, this magic book - it's all MERELY a fantasy or a dream. A story. A lie. He no sooner thinks this than 'poof' it all vanishes in a puff of smoke and he finds himself returned to the grim reality of the Food Hall, his snout deep in a snack box of greasy KFC.
"When the girl in the previous story tells the man in the previous story about this he is dissappointed. 'I had hoped it was real' he says 'I don't like fantasy stories that end that way'. The girl replies 'No, nor do I, but that's the point. Do you REALLY believe in stories? They are just stories aren't they, after all?' When the girl in the previous story asks these questions, the man in the previous story suddenly feels doubt. This whole thing - this bookshop, this girl, this magic book - it's all merely a fantasy or a dream. He no sooner thinks this than 'poof' it all vanishes in a puff of smoke and he finds himself returned to the grim reality of the Food Hall, his snout deep in a snack box of greasy KFC"
Sophia's hand, with an artful casualness, has now moved up to my thigh.
"The man in the original story is not pleased when he hears this. 'I had hoped it was real' he says 'I don't like fantasy stories that end that way'. The girl replies 'No, nor do I'
"Did I mention that the more the girl talks the more sexually excited she becomes?" she asks me.
"Yes" I reply
"Good, well, anyway, the girl in the initial story is much the same.
(Impressive literary allusiion to yeats, but no apparent meaning. Blah blah, , comes on her tits then fucks her blah blah. Literay talk about aim of fiction being truth. Belief. Is he the chosen one, destined to meet sophia, a messenger from the world of fantasy, a muse a goddess an envoy the bookshop really the Embassy For the Kingdom of Fantasy? What is fiction. Is fantasy actaully somehow real, like forster's celestial omniubus? It is a matter of belief. Or is it just lies written down by people, just like religions is all lies. At this point, the story predictably ends in the way of magic realism, with the man losing faith, losing the abitly to believe in fantasy, the bookshop dissapers, and he finds himself in the food hall, his snout in a snack box of greasy kfc - the whole episode apparently just a daydream, a fiction, a lie")
Hmm, I said, staring at her breasts, 'I'm not sure I lke the ending, but the rest of the story is very appealing. Except I think my penis could be better descirbed as "
My dear fellow, here, wjy don't ou writre it yourlefs
I took hold of the pen, all thoughts of the Food Court and chilli quarterpounders with side orders of a dozen mcnuggets and all the mall sluts with their exposed arse cleavages and nipple rings forgotten.
"Snacks! Why settle for a snack when a feast is before you, if you only know where to look"
Sophia leans over and reads my first two sentances.
She passed me the book called snacks, and a nice pen. Blank pages.
Well, do you want to write something?
snack on your sausage.
snack on your sausage
What do you think, is it the kind of thing you like?
Lies.
Chekov: aim of fiction is truth
My turn comes, I fail, stumble out in disgrace, decide on a supersize quarter pounder meal deal with a side order of 12 mcnuggets.
MAYBE CELESTIALOMNIBUS THEME - UNABLE TO BELEVE? BACK TO BURGERS AND MALL? Ie, in stories like this, doesn't the shop vanish in puff of smoke? Or it turns out it was all a dream??
Well, I still trudge the mall, but cross to the other side to avoid that door. It's still there.
......................................... ... .. .......Snacks
....................................Final Indigestable Supplementary Material
She had thick black hair and looked Italian. She appeared very comfortable, stretched out on the couch. An open book lay face down on her tummy, still held by her sleeping hand. The top few buttons of her shirt were undone, revealing a plump cleavage. Was there even a hint of pinkness there, peeking out from the top of the bra? There was!
I felt a rush of sexual excitement - I love bossums burgeoning out from a white bra, with just a tease of aeroli on display, and have many such images in my soft porn collection. For a moment I was back in front of my PC, tissues at the ready, about to unzip my fly and oil up.
The girl stirred in her sleep and I was brought back to reality with a shock. I looked quickly away.
Next to her couch was an antique desk with a computer monitor and a modern looking cash register. I picked up a business card from a clear plastic holder:
Sophia Chiavenna
Manager
Vintage Lies
Antiquarian Book Dealer
(Fiction Only)
So it was a bookshop. But what a fantastic book shop! I walked around for a while, marvelling at the beautiful old books, at the same time feeling like I was in an Italian piazza. Strangely, it also felt like I somehow belonged here. I felt like a different man to the rough beast that moments ago had been slouching towards the Food Hall.
So it was a bookshop. But what a fantastic book shop! I walked around for a while, marvelling at the beautiful old books, at the same time feeling like I was in an Italian piazza.
Strangely, it also felt like I somehow belonged here amongst this venerable collection of authors. Conrad, Dickens, Eliot, Fitzgerald, Gogol, all the way through the alphabet to Vance, Wodehouse and beyond. I took a volume of the Voyages of Dr Doolittle off the shelf. A 1926 first edition in superb condition. I browsed through a few familiar scenes, enjoying the exploits of the 'good' Doctor and his companions, such as Mathew Muggs the ex-convict cat's meat man, Polynesia the parrot, Jip the dog, Luke the fugitive, Cheapside the sparrow and Gub-Gub the pig.
Would my works one day stand side by side with all these masterpieces? Yes! Of course they would! Why wouldn't they! Like the Doctor, I too was a good fellow.
After a few minutes in the sanctuary of this room, I realised I was no longer the rough beast who moments ago had been slouching towards the Food Hall. Uplifted by my surroundings I had transformed into my rarely seen alter ego: The Gifted Unknown Writer Destined For Greatness.
Uplifted by my surroundings I had transformed into my rarely seen alter ego: The Beautifully Gifted Unknown Writer Destined For Greatness.
I was drawn back to where Sophia slept. Her chest rose and fell with each breath - something the pictures on my PC could never do. Her sleeping face was as peaceful as a child's. I reached down and gently lifted her hand from the book on her lap. I picked the book up, my fingers brushing her tummy as I did so. This physical contact almost instantly gave me a hard on - the first erection not induced by porn since ... since as long as I could remember.
I was drawn back to where Sophia slept. Her bossom rose and fell with each breath - something the bossoms in my PC could never do. As I watched, in a kind of trance, my heartbeat grew faster and stronger and warm blood surged into my penis. It felt very good. My first erection not induced by porn since ... since as long as I could remember.
And it was a good, strong erection.
And it was a good, strong erection.
I reached down and gently lifted her hand from the book on her lap. I picked the book up, my fingers brushing her abdomen as I did so.
The book, leather bound and obviously very old, carried only the words " " There was nothing else on the cover; no mention of an author or publisher.
The book, an incongrously modern looking paperback, carried only a single word on its plain white cover: "Snacks". There was nothing else, no mention of an author or a publisher.
Just as I was about to open it a sleepy voice said:
"Ah, benne! A customer!"
Normally, when faced with a beautiful shop-assistant, I would have glanced quickly at her with a grimacing attempt at a smile, looked away, and with a strained voice made a predictable comment along the lines of: "Has this shop been open long?".
Now however, I looked into Sophia's dark blue eyes with an easy pleasure, that, like the bulge in my trousers, I made no attempt to conceal.
Like the bulge in my Gifted trousers
Like the bulge in my Beautifully Gifted Trousers
"This is an odd book that you were reading" I said, as if speaking to an old friend "It doesn't seem to have an author or a publisher"
She reached up with a smile and took the book back from me. "This is a rather special book. Shall I tell you what it is about?"
"Please do" I replied.
She lifted herself to a sitting postion, at the same time stretching in a flirtatious way that emphasised her breasts and created further expansion of my trousers.
She lifted herself to a sitting postion, at the same time stretching in a flirtatious way that emphasised her breasts and created further expansion of my Gifted trousers.
"Well, this is a story about
What do you think, is it the kind of thing you like?
Lies.
Chekov: aim of fiction is truth
My turn comes, I fail, stumble out in disgrace, decide on a supersize quarter pounder meal deal with a side order of 12 mcnuggets.
Did you know, for example, that the ancient Egyptians drank a beverage very similar to a chocolate milkshake, and they did so with straws fashioned from papyrus reeds?"
It's all lies"
"Oh"
"You sound dissappointed
but she also discovers her g-spot and the beautiful liberation of masturbation with battery operated appliances and lesbian pornography."
"Sounds a bit cliched"
You know the kind of thing - hardcore criminals chatting about the quirks of inflight catering while they torture people. Very sophisticated".
"I see, er..."
"OK, I was only teasing you again! Come and sit next to me and I'll tell you what it's really about."
"It's a romantic comedy with magic realism overtones and a touch of ribald obscenity. A depressive young man is trudging along through a shopping mall on his way to a habitual greasy snack when he notices a very unusual looking shop. Stimulated by this novelty, he overcomes his fear of the unknown and enters the shop, where he discovers a sleeping beauty.
The beauty of the girl, the charm and strangeness of the décor, and the presence of so many great works of literature have a liberating effect on the young man, and he feels confident and free. Tits. Impressive literary allusiion to yeats, but no apparent meaning. Blah blah, , comes on her tits then fucks her blah blah. Literay talk about aim of fiction being truth. Belief. Is he the chosen one, destined to meet sophia, a messenger from the world of fantasy, a muse a goddess or whatever? What is fiction. Is fantasy actaully somehow real, like celestial omniubus? It is a matter of belief. Or is it just lies written down by people, just like religions is all lies. At this point, the story predictably ends in the way of magic realism, with the man losing faith, losing the abitly to believe in fantasy, fearing madness, the bookshop dissapers, and he finds himself in the food hall, his snout in a snack box of greasy kfc - the whole episode apparently just a daydream, a fiction, a lie"
Hmm, I said, staring at her breasts, 'I'm not sure I lke the ending, but the rest of the story is very appealing. Except I thinkthe penis could be better descirbed as "
I took hold of the pen, all thoughts of the Food Court and chilli quarterpounders with side orders of a dozen mcnuggets and all the mall sluts with their exposed arse cleavages and nipple rings forgotten.
"Snacks! Why settle for a snack when a feast is before you, if you only know where to look"
Sophia leans over and read my first two sentances.
She passed me the book snacks, and a nice pen. Blank pages.
Well, do you want to write something?
snack on your sausage.
I want to snack on your sausage big boy
What do you think, is it the kind of thing you like?
Lies.
Chekov: aim of fiction is truth
My turn comes, I fail, stumble out in disgrace, decide on a supersize quarter pounder meal deal with a side order of 12 mcnuggets.
MAYBE CELESTIALOMNIBUS THEME - UNABLE TO BELEVE? Fear of madnsess? BACK TO BURGERS AND MALL? Ie, in stories like this, doesn't the shop vanish in puff of smoke? Or it turns out it was all a dream??
I don't like that.
I still trudge the mall, but cross to the other side to avoid that door. It's still there.
Entry 1:
Adamdidit2u
Allyson
Ancius
ardubs
AshK
AshyLarry
Azriel
babydoll
Barlow
bart
Beer_bong
big_wigger
Bigmike
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bob
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congo
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darko
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domenad
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drstrangedhruv
dudette
EatMeCompletely
EchoBoxing
electrictoothsyndrome
Electro
Endo_Fire
enraged_baboon
ess-arr
Feazy
Fr057m0urn3
FunnyAsCancer
gamma
gibberish
girlreporter
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grayday
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I.G
j00
jack11058
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MM_LP_Track3
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Pentameter
quack
redraven
runninginplace
rurumon
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shitfuck
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SilvrWolf
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sparkle_pink
SPECIALk
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Spuds002
Stabkill
stevie_says
Stin
the_lone_stranger
Therighteouswicked
tinactin
tlozoot
tmofw
TonyMontana
Totally_useless
treblereel
trees
UncleTeddy
wazzawazzayo
WhatTheHell
WillZone
WRECKER
YELLOW-MAN
Yes
Zod
83 eligible votes (113 total) *
Entry 2:
1Point21Gigawatts
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antluvdog
apollo88
Author_1
Awko
Badlands
Banga3386
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Burn
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checkyourmail
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comicbookguy
corn_nugget
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engine13
evolydal
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facts
Falconer
filmgeek
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firefly
Genko
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godking
GreenDay2889
griffsrgr8
hcp28
Heimdallsman
humor_me
hyprspacd
iddqd
Ignore_the_Small_Print
Impassive-Digressive
indoninja
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JinkyWilliams
JMG114
jojojojoan
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Julia
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lrw
maiorano84
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PatheticCapitalistFuck
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Phinch
polyamorousaj
potatomanjack
Pringles4eva
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rad1101
ralphmacchio
RamJetMax
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RouteTwo
roxxxy4
salmonofdoubt
satchel
screamfeeder
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shadow
shark25
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steph
streetpunk
strider
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tammy
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thelemonofpink
TheRateMachine
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Thor
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Vermin
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YouLookLikeINeedADrink
zombieZero
87 eligible votes (117 total) *
* Eligible votes are those made by users who had either (A) posted 3+ messages OR (B) written 100+ [lowered from 750+] reviews as of the beginning of the UberMadness! competition.
User Reviews
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2004-09-25 18:47:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ParlorTrick got tagged? I thought for sure she'd be in at least the top 32. Good luck Thor.
Submitted by Thor (user info) at 2004-09-24 21:50:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
parlour - you haven't heard from razor? i suggest you drop him an email (his address is above each of his posts). i believe he has some interesting news for you.
Submitted by ParlorTrick (user info) at 2004-09-24 21:39:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thor -
I think length should be the author's choice. It would probably be smart for the author to consider their medium, their audience and of course their inspiration, but their choice. War and Peace needs 1400 pages while sometimes it seems just one sentence gets the job done. Ask not what you can do for your country; ask what your country has done to you.
Or consider the first version of my Round 1 Entry:
"My dog Bingey ate my cat Snacks."
I know, if only I had submitted that - "BEST UBER POST EVAR"
But... I was saving the one-liners for the later rounds of the competition. A pity.
I underestimated the reader's willingness to get into a lengthy post (among other things). I made the call to go short. My rationale at the time was 'a truffle versus a chocolate cake.' ...(yeah well, it was my rationale and it made sense at the time.)
Do me a favor and go on to win this thing, slather all over this competition and redeem me.
Submitted by Thor (user info) at 2004-09-24 18:37:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
yes parlourtrick, i must admit it was rather exciting watching the lead fluctuate. a couple of days ago i thought i was gone for sure.
apples and orange groves is a good analagy. i think there probably should be some kind of length limit for entries - it's a bit absurd trying to compare things of such different length. but then again, limiting length can also be a restraint on creativity. so there is no easy solution.
perhaps a length limit for the early rounds, then open slather later on?
Submitted by ParlorTrick (user info) at 2004-09-23 18:14:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Finally - I can quit hitting the refresh key and rejoin my life where I left it before hitting 'Submit'.
I must admit I expected my capitalist monster to be sufficient to carry me through the first round - and then I read Thor's post (Entry #2) - in its entirety, a second time.
It 's like comparing apples to orange groves.
So...as luck would have it (I'll blame it on luck until my ego can handle another explanation)it appears as though I'm in early retirement and get to sit back and watch the rest of you struggle. Hats off to my opponent and his word puzzle.
Thanks to those who voted for and supported Entry #1.
The rest of you can be eaten.
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2004-09-22 22:19:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-09-22 17:59:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I wish George Bush would get killed
Submitted by celine (user info) at 2004-09-22 17:45:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
because entry 2 was beyond me, for some reason.
Submitted by RouteTwo (user info) at 2004-09-22 14:33:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
it's funny because you actually expect people to read this.
Submitted by hollowM <msmith.at.aegreatlakes.com> at 2004-09-22 10:00:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by thaumaturge (user info) at 2004-09-22 09:33:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
#2 - It's like a schizophrenic exploded.
Submitted by Jared_IRL (user info) at 2004-09-22 09:24:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by gamma (user info) at 2004-09-22 09:06:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-09-22 08:08:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
FOOTBALL TO THR GROIN!
I PICK FOOTBALL TO THE GROIN!
Submitted by Worm (user info) at 2004-09-22 07:13:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wowowowowowow...
Wow.
Both were stellar. #2 was also psychotic, and strangely hypnotic.
Original, immersive; a unique high and a trance. It´s really a shame that these two got paired together.
Good show.
Submitted by Walrus_King (user info) at 2004-09-22 03:59:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-09-22 03:42:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
For the record I would like to say a few things.
THIS is what madness should be about Razor. Good support, good arguments emotions rising etc.
It has been a bland slap on the back fest so far, this and later rounds should hot up.
If there aren't raging arguments then something is wrong.
In every sport there are differences of opinion and this should be no different.
Oh and also, my penis is bigger.
Submitted by facts (user info) at 2004-09-22 03:04:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2004-09-22 02:24:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
From what I've read, I decided that there was a shitload of effort put into 2, and on top of that, it was thought-provoking and creative. Good job, mystery person. Now I've gotta go finish it.
Submitted by Skippy (user info) at 2004-09-22 02:20:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-09-22 00:31:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I think I might know who author 2 is now!!! But it makes no sense! I don't think you even voted for yourself, did you? If i am not mistaken, I even predicted you'd win, but what are you doing?
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-09-22 00:28:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I am just dumbfounded at why there is so much fuss here, honestly...
Someone help me out - anyone!
Submitted by Slovin (user info) at 2004-09-21 22:46:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Author 2, please report to the principal's office.
Submitted by Papajoe (user info) at 2004-09-21 21:41:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2004-09-21 20:40:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Author Two, I looked up who you were and I would like you to email me, because I would like to discuss some things with you, related to your participation in this contest. I'm not trying to be a jerk or anything, and that came out sounding harsh, but that is not my intention. Please hit me up in the next couple of days.
Submitted by antluvdog (user info) at 2004-09-21 20:21:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking wow.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2004-09-21 20:21:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I read through them, and caught on to the subtle variations, and liked how multiple sentences began to blend together.
I'm done with this after saying the following things:
1. Author Two, you are good. You could win this tournament. If you weren't good, I would have -2 and moved on, even if there was an argument raging.
2. I'm sorry if I'm in the minority here, but I felt that all that I read was an intellectual excercise. I felt, to be honest, that there was not much substance... more an illusion of substance. Maybe the flaw is in me, but if you want to show me where the depth was, please do.
3. I am not trying to be cruel to you. I am attacking you because I feel that an honest attack is worth a hell of a lot more to a good author than a thousand "BEST POST EVAR!!!1!"s. As far as the people who think I'm pompous, maybe I am... I consider it confidence.
To tell the truth, I really could care less what they think. You'll learn, whether you're new or old here, that if you're good only a small percentage of the people on this site can offer any sort of worthwhile literary criticism. That's not arrogance. That's a fucking fact. If 12,000 random people were asked to offer advice on nuclear engineering, and I was one of them, you certainly shouldn't listen to anything I say.
I feel that what I threw out, and the counterarguments it has spawned from nugget and filthy, have brought up a more interesting discussion about the quality level of this post than all the "best post ever"s.
4. I may have overreacted a little bit because I was totally fucking annoyed with all the whining on this post, not from the author, but from people who were saying things like "I'm so done with this contest what a bunch of jerks DARING to have a different opinion from me about what is good." It really pissed me off, because I have invested so many hours in this and I have a lower opinion of someone who quits because others feel differently than I do of people who I think have poor judgement.
5. My penis is definitely bigger.
Submitted by author2 at 2004-09-21 19:03:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2004-09-21 12:14:28 (#)
Ranking: 0
As far as the length of my posts vs. the length of this post, I was careless.
However, if you boil down the copy/paste my posts are longer, but whatever... you missed the forest for the trees, author 2.
---
no, MY post is longer, its the longest post in the whole world in the universe and is longer even than john holmes' post.
re. the wood and the trees, i never actually claimed i lost votes due to the post being longer than average. that was someone else. NOT ME. i do actually understand that a piece of writing can intriniscailly, without regard to limited attention spans of audience etc, be too long.
btw - most of the 'cutting and pasting' actually included subtle variations. i wonder if people actually read through them or skipped over?
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2004-09-21 18:12:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by YELLOW-MAN (user info) at 2004-09-21 17:55:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by rockwood <pinto> at 2004-09-21 17:47:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Author #2 had a great concept, (two concepts actually). The second, writing about the struggle of writing is a common theme although the Author took a unique approach to it. The presented work shows that there is an author of great promise but the submission as a completed work ultimately fails, in my opinion.
It's like Author #2 thought "Hey readers, here's my UberMaddness submission, but in case you don't like that, I also had this other approach I was thinking about(read my supplementals) but I just don't have the time/energy to finish this second but better concept, but you get the idea, I'm a good writer, just piece it together yourself, here are my notes, I have other things to do."
Many skilled writers/readers are capable of doing exactly that. Reading someones scraps and recognizing the potential for greatness. Potential alone, however, isn't great and shouldn't move someone forward in this type of contest.
Author #1 decided on a unique approach for the rather simple topic given and executed it cleanly and almost (but not) poetically. It's brief but potent. I found it interesting and a good read. Entry #1 got my vote.
I wish Author #2 had picked, refined and finished the second concept; But he/she didn't....
Submitted by JinkyWilliams (user info) at 2004-09-21 17:42:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
. . .
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-09-21 17:11:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
wot nuggat and filthybitch sead
i'm too stoopid for this massdebate
Submitted by Burn (user info) at 2004-09-21 16:23:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-09-21 16:02:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I agree that author two has a style that is more distinct and recognizable than post 1, but that doesn't mean it's a style that I like.
It had it's moments for me...that was really about it.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-09-21 15:36:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Heh. I love the way people throw around the phrase 'style over substance' as though it were trap, or something shameful. I'll take style over substance every time, because style *is* substance to me. I don't care if you're talking absolute bollocks - sing it to me and I'll queue up to hear more. I'd rather watch someone play with words and go nowhere, than be marched efficiently to a destination via the same old tired phrases.
Author 1's entry was really good. Author 2's was, to my mind, better - as supported by the debate that has arisen around it. It elicted a powerful response, both positive and negative - surely that tells you something? How many of these first round submissions have you forgotten already? Not this one.
I resent the implication that people have been somehow 'duped' by post two - the author has shown a thoughtfulness, a style and a skill that deserve recognition and passage into the next round.
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-09-21 14:44:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by treblereel (user info) at 2004-09-21 13:32:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-09-21 12:31:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Razor- Of course you never said you liked Koontz... I didn't say (nor imply) that you said you liked that author. I was only giving an example of Substance V. Style.
This comment:
"
Those who think it's the best thing they've ever read fell for style over substance.
"
makes me think that you belive entry two had no substance. You say (quite blatantly) that the people who belive that entry two is the best ever disregarded SUBSTANCE in the name of style.
My argument is that STYLE is as important (if not MORE IMPORTANT) than substance.
So, I do not believe I "fell" for style over substance... I wholeheartedly EMBRACE style over substance.
Not to say that entry two had no substance, because it surely did.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-09-21 12:16:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
plot?
pah!
a necessary evil.
Submitted by godking (user info) at 2004-09-21 12:16:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Razor or anyone who can help: My votes are not counting even though I met the requirements for them to count.
GK
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2004-09-21 12:14:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
As far as the length of my posts vs. the length of this post, I was careless.
However, if you boil down the copy/paste my posts are longer, but whatever... you missed the forest for the trees, author 2.
First, let me remind you - I voted for post 2 because it was better.
Next, let me say that it is clear to me that Author 2 has potential and is creative.
corn_nugget, style over substance is a legitimate complaint, just as substance with no style is a legitimate complaint. I never said I liked Koontz. Style is just a means to delivering an end, and if you don't deliver anything, the story flops on that basis.
Submitted by godking (user info) at 2004-09-21 12:12:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
What in the hell is that about? 2 gets my vote for the shear chaos it was to read it.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2004-09-21 12:08:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Thor (user info) at 2004-09-20 19:20:18 (#)
Ranking: 0
razor begins a comment with a reference to himself and his fantastic online achievements! how unusual!
-------------
Someone makes up a username to criticize me because they're afraid to say it to my face! How unusual!
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2004-09-21 12:06:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by lrw (user info) at 2004-09-21 10:55:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by I.G (user info) at 2004-09-21 10:04:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Spookster (user info) at 2004-09-21 09:46:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Entry 2 roxors.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-09-21 09:13:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Entry 2 was too fucking long. And stupid.
Submitted by jojojojoan (user info) at 2004-09-21 09:09:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Very different
Submitted by Thor (user info) at 2004-09-21 07:59:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
razor probably made that error, author2, because frolicking through 4500 words of your delightful prose is much less of a chore than plodding through 2000 words of razor's b grade scenarios.
Submitted by author2 at 2004-09-21 07:40:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2004-09-20 18:06:58 (#)
Ranking: 0
Well, I've just read through all the comments, and all I can say is this:
I won UberMadness I with posts that were on average longer than the post #2 from this page.
---
well, presumably the uberlord has moved on never to return, having generously deposited his wisdom.
nevertheless, i would like to set some facts straight (in this particular case at least, unlike in most aspects of literary argument, there actually are some FACTS):
my round one entry here is about 4,500 words long
razor's first five entries in ubermadnessI averaged about 1,900 words
his final entry, in the championship round when readership was assured, was 5,830
that would boost his average length up to about 2,500 i think, still less than half my entry.
now, before anyone starts telling me length doesn't matter, or length this or length that, i'm not interested.
my only purpose here is to set the record straight and show that razor has either been a little careless or a little disingenuous.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-09-21 03:42:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
well, well, well. I miss all the good stuff. Curse these time zones.
It would be fair to say that my opinion is worth more than anyone elses because I am better than you all.
Anyone who disagrees is clearly incapable of thinking to my level.
Okay?
Submitted by grayday (user info) at 2004-09-21 02:08:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2004-09-21 02:03:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
hehehe
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2004-09-21 01:25:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ah, Thor. I meant to say "electrictoothsyndrome", not Razor. I don't agree with what Razor said in the least.
I don't think "style over substance" is applicable here. Both entries have substance, and both entries have style.
Submitted by ugaly (user info) at 2004-09-21 00:33:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-09-21 00:28:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Boobies
Submitted by griffsrgr8 (user info) at 2004-09-21 00:22:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-09-20 23:40:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Razor...
We fell for style over substance?
Yes, of course. I enjoy literature that has a certian 'flair'... I love when someone has the ability to make magic with words... I am a whore for the author who has the strength and originality to mold common words into an uncommon sentence.
I enjoy the style.
However, to say that entry two lacked SUBSTANCE is wrong. It did not lack substance. Period. It had no more or less substance than any other piece of fiction or fact on this site.
Why are Bestselling authors such as Koontz popular, yet receive very little literary acclaim? Because he has SUBSTANCE (which most people understand and can follow), yet he has no STYLE.
Why are authors like Graham Greene and Saul Bellows touted in the artistic circles, yet ignored by the general public? Because they have style, they make you think, they have a deep weave to the fabrics of their works.
Although I agree- a long post or story sometimes is simply TOO LONG. It doesn't hold my attention, it bores me, and after I finish reading it I'm simply annoyed at wasting my time. I do not feel that this was the case with entry 2. I let myself live in the letters, words, phrases and sentences... I felt amused, attached, and inspired.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-09-20 23:35:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I would agree with that...you both did rather well with "snacks"! If snacks were as good as these posts, the whole world would be as fat as Americans. Good show both of you! And congrats on top of most-heated!
Submitted by author2 at 2004-09-20 23:05:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
well author1, it's been quite an exciting race! it seems you may have opened up a winning lead, but who knows.
in some ways i wouldn't mind losing, as it would mean less distractions from some other stuff i'm trying to work on. but i must admit i would also quite like to taste the fruits of victory - even in a funny little internet contest like this.
btw, i think we both came up with a pretty fair effort for a title like 'snacks'.
Submitted by Zod (user info) at 2004-09-20 23:00:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Author_1 (user info) at 2004-09-20 22:44:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A request of Author #2 -
If the unthinkable occurs, and my post by some fluke of absurdity wins - please tell the Ubersite population that you will indeed continue to grace the site with your magic.
If however, your post beats mine, as God intended, I'm sure everyone will get along quite nicely.
Your post rocks and so do your comments.
(((but I still hope to win!)))
(good luck)
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-09-20 22:16:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
author two: I really admire your good humor in taking constructive criticism, especially from someone like me! (Why should I know shit, right?) I did find your post entertaining, but at the same time laborious. A few fewer refrains in the text may have won my vote.
Again, none of this negates the fact that your post was good, it was just up against another good post. This was the toughest call of the competition for me so far if it's any consolation for my vote.
Submitted by author2 at 2004-09-20 21:39:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
thanks for those comments electro.
funilly enough, i was going to call one of the extra bits 'directors cut' or something, but edited that out as it seemed a bit pretentious.
i was really just playing around and amusign myself (i actually find it quite humouress, particulary the 'snout in the snack box of greasy kfc' refrain) and then at a certain point thought, hmm, i rather like this, so stopped. also i just wanted to submit the fucking thing and be done with it. with most of my writing, i prefer to let it sit for at least a few days, then re-edit, before showing it to anyone.
i never expected it to even come close to winning, though, and as i said i'm just pleased that some people connect with it or at least find it interesting.
Submitted by Thor (user info) at 2004-09-20 21:28:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
wiggles, i for one interpreted your comments merely as enthusiasm gone a bit far: silly but nothing to feel too remorseful about. and if you really like somethig you've read, it's good to express that.
razor's typically pompous pronouncements are if anything more absurd than yours.
according to razor, people like jmg, idqqd, filthyassistant, nerfherder, apollo, streetpunk, phinch, loki, circe, poly, spedmonkey, cornnugget, ainkara, judoka, comicbookguy, queenashlee - who expresed that they liked post 2 very much - all have such poor literary judgement that they have been duped by mediocre, unoriginal writing done up to look different.
ie, their literary judgement is inferior to mighty razor's.
if i was the author of post 2, i would take some comfort in this.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-09-20 21:20:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
In response to what I felt was a sincere explanation of motive by author two, I would like to say that when I was talking about Mulholland Dr. being pretentious crap, that didn't necessarily translate to your post. I agree with you on the abstract painting analogy to an extent. Personally I think abstract art a-la Pollack is just an excuse for artist with no talent to call themselves 'artists' and thus increase their chances of getting laid! Your post does not stink of this motive, so you are excused from being lumped into that category in my head.
If I might be so bold, however, I'd like to offer a friendly suggestion: take the GREAT ideas you have and keep them, mold them, edit them as necessary, but when all is said and done, go back and trim the fat. This process is the hardest for an artist to do because to him, there is no fat, but art is as much about marketing as it is anything else. (There was a time in my life I would have shot myself for saying that!) These days, I have learned the cold, hard realities of creativity: it's called 'DELICATE BALANCE'! This is why they put out DVD's in both original and director's cut - so the true fan gets what he wants, but the casual fan doesn't have to sit through all that he neither cares for nor understands.
That's not to say I believe in using focus groups and maximizing profits and molding your work to suit what people expect of you (unless you have monetary interest in your work) - it is just that for a piece of music, art, writing, hell, even mathematical formulas there is a level of excellence that comes from being able to discern what is necessary and what is laborious. And if you're trying to make it intentionally laborious, then you must be prepared for the inevitable ramifications that follow from that sort of statement and envelope pushing - which is that noone gets it till your dead and worth more!
Welcome to the only real artistic concept left in the world: marketability.
Submitted by UncleTeddy (user info) at 2004-09-20 21:00:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
picture was out of proportion. Otherwise good.
Submitted by Fabish (user info) at 2004-09-20 20:47:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking sweet.
Submitted by ardubs (user info) at 2004-09-20 20:28:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2004-09-20 20:21:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well said, Razor, Author 2, and everyone else who has put me in my place.
It just frustrated me to see that people voted for Entry 1 without even reading Entry 2.
I also enjoyed Entry 1, but I thought Entry 2 was superior. Electrictooth and the others that really read through both entries and voted for Entry 1 are certainly not in any way at fault.
And of course, there are probably people here who voted for Entry 2 simply BECAUSE it was so long.
Maybe I'm a push-over for admitting this, but almost all the shit I said below is pretty useless.
Submitted by catscradle (user info) at 2004-09-20 20:15:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Where was the table of contents for post #2?
Submitted by Slovin (user info) at 2004-09-20 19:55:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
To all the people claiming the entire contest is shit because entry #2 is losing:
GET OVER YOURSELVES.
Personally, having read both of them, I do prefer entry #1. It was just better written, got its point across in a much more reader-friendly way, and had fewer errors in it. It was all around a better entry and that's all there is to it.
The clichés, length, and errors in entry #2 were simply too great to be ignored when it came right down to it. Being caught in repetitions has been done before (ala Groundhog Day), except at least then it was interesting to read.
I'd also like to restate my previous comment that it seems to be more like two separate posts, with the second one repeating itself in an incredibly annoying manner. This is not the kind of post I want to be reading in a contest such as this.
So to all you people who think we're idiots for voting for entry 1: Eat shit and die.
Submitted by Thor (user info) at 2004-09-20 19:20:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
razor begins a comment with a reference to himself and his fantastic online achievements! how unusual!
Submitted by author2 at 2004-09-20 19:12:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
sorry, author1 below meant to read author2. this is a pain in the arse, all this logging in and logging out business
it seems if you like my post:
you are an idiot who has been deceived by my style over substance trickery
or alternatively if you don't like my post:
you are an idiot who cannot appreciate true art
why can't people just say what THEY themselves enjoy, without making great pronoucements on how others should think or feel?????????
if reader 1 thinks this my entry is a great work of art, then it IS a great work of art.
if reader 2 thinks this my entry is pretentious shit, then it IS pretentious shit.
it's as simple as that
btw, i rather liked the first entry here and related to it.
Submitted by littledan (user info) at 2004-09-20 18:48:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
2 but i didnt undertand it.
Submitted by author2 at 2004-09-20 18:37:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
(continued from below):
There is no doubt electro or big mike or anyone could write something like this, in the sense of write something that strays from conventional formats. Yes, we can all be abstract and whacky if we want to. And we can all write a story that has a beginning middle and end, too. So what?
A final comment re. length - I was quite conscious that this could have been made much more palatable by removing another 25 percent or so, esp towards the end. But as I was re-reading and editing I decided to leave it over-long. Being a little painful to read seemed appropriate as I wanted to convey the sense of being stuck in the midst of endless repititions. Making something deliberately painful to read though is probably not the best ploy for success in a contest like this.
But I thought as this is my best chance of getting a few people to read my stuff, I may as well write the way I like to. And I'm very happy that some people have apparenlty connected with my writing.
Submitted by author1 at 2004-09-20 18:33:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I have stood in front of abstract paintings and said exactly what electrootooth and big mike said about this: "anyone could have done this". And maybe I have been right - maybe the whole abstract art movement is just a fraud. To be honest, I am not a judge of painting.
I feel I'm a pretty good judge of writing, but unfortunately cannot judge my own efforts. I would like to point out though that I, the author, have not made any claims that my entry is full of Hidden Meanings and Big Secrets. And let's face it, when you ask the question 'what does this mean?' about any half-way decent piece of writing or art, you shouldn't be able to answer it in a few pat sentances. If you could, why bother writing the fucking thing? Basically, what I have tried to do here is create impressions and feelings in the same way music can and have not tried to be intellectual at all. However, just for the sake of it, I might write a critical essay on this stuff, and post it separately.
(continued above)
Submitted by JonnyBoy (user info) at 2004-09-20 18:22:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2004-09-20 18:06:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well, I've just read through all the comments, and all I can say is this:
I won UberMadness I with posts that were on average longer than the post #2 from this page.
I don't think that's all there is to it. People will read a long post if it is worth their while, and the author of #2 failed to keep the audience.
It didn't do much to drag the reader in, it was pretentious, it was overwritten, it smacked of intellectual masturbation, and frankly I thought it was mediocre at best.
The author has potential. The post was nothing memorable.
Those who think it's the best thing they've ever read fell for style over substance.
I still voted for it because Post 1 I won't remember by the time I get home from work, and it's a ten minute drive. No offense intended to author 1.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2004-09-20 17:51:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Story 2 was overdone but clearly the better of the pair.
Submitted by GreenDay2889 (user info) at 2004-09-20 17:16:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2004-09-20 16:56:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I voted for 1 because 2 was fucking long. Having reread 1 and 2, I have to say I regret having ever voted.
Look, Entry 2 obviously took a long long long long long time to think out and write, but it lacks one quality: concisiveness. Something isn't too long because the audience can't sit through it, it's too long because it's TOO FUCKING LONG. There is such a thing. People don't want to read something that long in one sitting. Ubersite is, pretty much, a short-story website. THe site is designed for one-sitting viewings of short articles during work. That's why you only have one page. Most anything remotely novel-like is done in parts. Since UM grants you only one page to submit on, it's assumed that you're to write a short story, not a novel.
Shandy or whoever obviously spent a lot of time on their post. And I respect them for that. But he got the genre entirely wrong. He expected way too much out of his audience. He wasn't able to chop his story down to a length suitable to its audience. And that's why he didn't get my vote. Is it justifiable? In my eyes, yeah. Is it entirely fair? No. But that's what happens. Shandy/whoever wrote a novel where a short story is not only expected but necessary is only because of the nature of the website.
Entry 1 plain sucked. I only voted for it to see the results. If I could back back and choose again, I'd just IM someone else to fill me in on the score.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2004-09-20 16:03:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2004-09-20 15:49:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
poop
Submitted by kitchens_closed (user info) at 2004-09-20 15:33:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by WRECKER (user info) at 2004-09-20 15:31:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Endo_Fire (user info) at 2004-09-20 13:56:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2004-09-20 13:23:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i cant believe i read this whole fuckin piece of insanity... oh well, my loss...
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-09-20 12:52:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-09-20 12:47:25 (#)
Ranking: 0
i don't care to.
you haven't the wit.
------------------------------
I personally think it's because you don't even get it yourself.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-09-20 12:51:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Actually, I know now what post two reminded me of...."Mulholland Drive". Everyone told me it was the type of movie I would like...but I watched it, and thought it was complete pretentious crap. It was like someone took a jigsaw puzzle, threw away a couple pieces, mutilated a couple more, and then expected an audience to come away with some sense of cohesion.
And don't give me shit about the 'clues' to this and that! Just because there are clues doesn't mean it makes any goddamed sense. The Zodiac Killer left all kinds of cryptic 'clues', but they still haven't caught him...
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-09-20 12:49:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-09-20 12:42:31 (#)
Ranking: 0
If it tells you anything at all about me and my judgements on what's the best of two posts.
Every post I have voted for so far in this UM is ahead. I wouldn't be suprised or incensed if the streak ended here. This is a hard one. Good luck to both authors here. """
Congrats you are a dross connoisseur.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-09-20 12:47:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i don't care to.
you haven't the wit.
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2004-09-20 12:44:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Entry 2 is losing, and that's enough to make me say that I'm done with this site. With all due respect to the creators of Ubermadness (fantastic effort all around by those guys), the first round of this little contest has royally sucked, in my most humble of opinions. People voting against things that they haven't even read is pissing me off. (On the other hand, half the reason I'm pissed is probably because my own UM entry was horrendous, and that is, naturally, nobody's fault but mine.)
If the author of Entry 2 is shandy, then I'm not surprised in the least. I'll just visit shandy's info page now and then and see his latest contributions. Maybe he'll get a subscription service going eventually.
If the author of Entry 2 is NOT shandy, then he/she is a fucking genius, and the prospect of more work from this author would make me want to stay.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-09-20 12:42:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
If it tells you anything at all about me and my judgements on what's the best of two posts.
Every post I have voted for so far in this UM is ahead. I wouldn't be suprised or incensed if the streak ended here. This is a hard one. Good luck to both authors here.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-09-20 12:36:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-09-20 12:27:00 (#)
Ranking: 0
it is equally possible that you have missed the point oh great intelligent one.
the big glaringly obvious point.
------------------------------------------
Then why don't you explain it to me, ye of all wisdom??? If it needs to be explained to me by a third party, then that allows me the luxery of questioning if there even is a point.
This is one of those cases where someone writes something of incredible length...Because of this girth in wordage, users assume there must me some grand, mysterious point to it all. They may, in fact be correct, but it would appear to me that a talented writer got real drunk, mulled over his notes, and tried to do a little too much with a simple (crap) title.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-09-20 12:29:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-09-20 09:00:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
This is fucking bullshit. Entry #1 was fairly good, but #2 was a fucking masterpiece. For it to lose votes because some think it's too long?!?! How absurd.
This is a website for people who enjoy writing...and for those who enjoy reading. If you've got the attention span of a toddler, fine. That's something you've got live with. But at least have the decency NOT to vote against something you didn't take the time to digest. It's disrespectful to those that have put real time and effort into creating quality writing...wich is supposed to be what this competition is all about.
------------------------------------
BTW, Badlands, I read it...I digested it...I even selected it before I rethought and voted post one...
I agree that it shouldn't lose votes because people don't even read it, but, if someone wants to included length as a personal voting criteria, that is certainly their right as a user. Noone owes anyone an explanation for their voting unless they just don't read the material.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-09-20 12:27:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
it is equally possible that you have missed the point oh great intelligent one.
the big glaringly obvious point.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-09-20 12:23:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I think it's really funny how everyone talks about cliches in writing, movies, etc.
Do you know how many times the ideas presented in post two have been introduced into literature...I don't either, I can't count that high. I am not implying that it's not a good piece of writing because of that, I am saying I could have written that...I've done enough LSD. Hell, sometimes I wake up in the morning and there is an Italian woman at the end of my bed. What does that have to do with the quality of the post - I don't know! It can't be any more opaque.
You people seem to be so impressed with length...(files away in brain).
I hope i can rest my case...or do I need supplements?
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-09-20 12:06:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Both of these were good in a very novel way...(and I mean that in he best possible sense.)
Post one: Clear; concise; unusual; nice metaphor.
Post two: Long; random; hard to follow; nice exploration of what happens when an author can't decide on which of his ideas to focus on and ends up mixing them all together in the form of a statement on what happens when an author stops editing.
Post two: Long; sensuous; mind-altering/numbing; nice exploration of snacks and cleavage. That one part gave me a hard on picturing this girl asleep on the couch waiting to be violated.
poat two: Long; unbridled; hard to follow; had semblance, (a tease), of meaning; nice exploration of what happens when an author can't decide which of his ideas to trail, (there are, after all, a billion different ways to write the same idea), so he ends up asleep in a bucket of KFC waiting to be violated...
In all honesty...this one is hard. As much as I think I get at least some of the second post, I am still a fan of concise. In the landscape of UberRegular you'd have both gotten +2's from me. In the landscape of UberMadness, you both get +1s.
Submitted by mountain24 (user info) at 2004-09-20 10:55:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by quack (user info) at 2004-09-20 10:36:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
what the fuck. #2 needs to get out of the house more. jesus.
Submitted by Huber_the_Nose (user info) at 2004-09-20 10:31:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
#2 was too confusing
Submitted by matchoo (user info) at 2004-09-20 09:31:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-09-20 09:19:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
lesser of two...peeners
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2004-09-20 09:17:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-09-20 09:00:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is fucking bullshit. Entry #1 was fairly good, but #2 was a fucking masterpiece. For it to lose votes because some think it's too long?!?! How absurd.
This is a website for people who enjoy writing...and for those who enjoy reading. If you've got the attention span of a toddler, fine. That's something you've got live with. But at least have the decency NOT to vote against something you didn't take the time