What'S The Matter? (393 hits)
Category: UberMadness! EntryRating: 2 on 2 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Falconer <revenge_of_the_killer_dustbin.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-09-17 12:18:52 EDT
This post was an official UberMadness! entry. Click here to view the original matchup.
"What's the matter? Got no spleen?" Jim laughed, his eye swinging from it's socket.
"Hey! Give that back! I might need that!" Whined Bob, grasping at his spleen with his one stubby arm.
"What for? You're dead!"
"Well what if I get thirsty? Look, just give me my goddamned spleen back!"
Pushing at Jim with all the tenacity of a moron running into a brick wall, Bob tore his spleen out of Jim's grip only to hear the sickening snap of Jim's eyeball finally severing itself from its optical nerve. It rolled slowly along the floor of the zombies' modest apartment, and dropped through a crack in the floor.
"What the fuck! Where's my eye gone? What have you done with it?" Bellowed Jim angrily, panic showing in his gory features.
"Gee, eye don't know, eye think it fell off down a crack in the floorboards."
"Look, this is serious, that's my dominant eye! I need it!"
"Aww...What's the matter, got no eye?" Bob mocked, before putting on his serious face (He'd found it a few days ago, and while it tasted a bit rubbery, he thought it managed to look serious and yet also somehow cool.). "Look," he said solemnly, adjusting the eyebrows to fit his face, "It's not a problem. We'll just break through the floorboards and ask whoever's living there, politely, for your eyeball back."
Unfortunately for them, neither happened to know that the zombie for "May I have my eyeball back please?" roughly translates to "WAAAARGHBAAAARGHWWWWARGHBRAINS" in human.
Unfortunately for the man residing in the apartment, he had no idea that the human for "Good god, get away from me, Ahhhhhhh!" roughly translates to "Eat me! I would love to aid in sustaining your growth by providing you with
the nourishment you require. Purple toilet."
So there Jim was, severed human arm in one hand, eyeball in the other, relishing in the sweet taste of human flesh and wondering what all that "purple toilet" nonsense was all about.
"Hey Jim," inquired Bob cautiously, "If you eat a guy's...'you know', that ain't gay or anything is it?"
"It depends," mused Jim thoughtfully, "Is it...hard...?"
"It's hard to chew. Look this can't be gay..."
"Wait!" interrupted Jim, "If you're eating the penis...then what am I eating?"
Bob squealed.
The silence that followed was mercifully but tragically ended when Bob's head was blown apart in a shower of blood and brains. Turning to face the door, Jim saw the chiselled-chinned visage of a large, shotgun wielding man.
"You're one ugly motherfucker." He growled menacingly.
"Me!" Protested Jim angrily, "I've puked up people better looking than you. And why is it that every smeghead with a red neck and a shotgun is a zombie killing wannabe?"
With the complete lack of coordination that only a zombie, or maybe an obese cheerleader could master, John dodged two further shotgun blasts, lurching madly out of their way, before pouncing on the man (it should be noted however, that in zombie, 'pouncing' means something more akin to, 'falling face first').
The man knocked Jim backwards, and while Jim was still reeling from the blow, he landed another to Jim's face. There was a hideous squelching noise. Time seemed to stop.
"You bastard!" Jim roared, "THAT WAS MY DOMINANT EYE!!"
Diving at the man, Jim dragged him to the floor, before reaching his bloody hand into the stranger's chest, and ripping out his spleen. The last words that zombie-killer heard, before he took his final breath, happened to be the zombie for:
"What's the matter, got no spleen?"
Vindicated, Jim turned to regard his new apartment, and ambled slowly into the living room. He farted, sending bloody bits of his sphincter flying, and collapsed onto the couch. He thought that he might like to have a Chinese tonight.
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Submitted by NumLock (user info) at 2005-09-08 12:57:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2005-01-16 12:29:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
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