I Caught People Fucking In My Apartment And All I Got Were These Lousy Wet Spots (6388 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.61 on 33 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Shark25 (View user info) at 2004-09-17 13:11:54 EDT
Well I was getting back from a weeklong work trip a few years ago and could not wait to get back to my little piece of the world that was my one bedroom apartment. As I got to my door I noticed that it was unlocked. Well it was locked when I left but I did leave one of my keys with my friend Josh so he could check my mail and take it in to the apartment so he was probably just there waiting for me inside.
When I walked into the apartment it looked like Woodstock had ejaculated all over my place. There were people who were passed out in my kitchen, half-naked people spooning each other, and even some people doing the nasty with others watching doing the five knuckle shuffle.
Well this was disappointing. I was tired, jet lagged, and now I would have to napalm my place before I could sleep there ever again. I went over to my neighbors place and hung out for awhile and found out that apparently the horde of whores had been there for the last three days.
Neighbor: So you gonna tell them to get out?
Me: I suppose I should.
Neighbor: You want my gun?
Me: No but do you still have that chainsaw you were using for the haunted houses?
Neighbor: Yeah and the leather face mask why?
Me: Cause 'Get The Fuck Out 02' is about to kick off.
As I revved up the chainsaw I entered the apartment and started chasing people out. Man they were freaked most left they're clothes if they were not wearing them. Some that were passed out did not even wake up.
The ones that did not wake up my neighbor and I just picked them up and put them outside the apartment complex along with the piles of clothing that were left behind. I kept all of the wallets and purses and cell phones. Took some cash, driver licenses, and made some prank calls to random numbers in the cell phones. Mostly numbers that said Mom and Dad and Boss. Here's one call I made to someone's boss.
Boss: Hey Mike.
Me: No my name is Matt but I found this phone and hoped to give it back.
Boss: I see.
Me: Has Mike been to work recently?
Boss: No he's been sick. Where did you find his phone? It's a work phone.
Me: Well it was left at my home after I broke up an all week orgy when I got back from a trip.
Boss: Really.
Those types of calls. For the next few days I received many threatening calls and letters stating that if I did not leave all the items I had in a certain place so the people who left them there could get them anonymously some people would take legal action. Now if these people would have come to my door and gotten they're belongings and apologized I would have forgotten everything. Then the kicker happened. I got a call from a lawyer of one of my uninvited guests. He said they were let in and had every right to be there. He said to give the items back or he would involve the police.
Well I did not want that to happen. So I called the police myself and gave them all of the items I had received and told them how they came into my possession. Many arrests were made and I told all lawyers involved that if I simply got a letter of apology written to me by each person arrested (including the person who took the key from my friend Josh without his knowledge) I would drop all charges.
Within one week I had all 15 letters and a smile on my face.
Uber right after I got everyone out of the apartment I sat down on my couch and my ass felt wet.
I sat in someone's wet spot.
This Sunday the 19th of September I will be at Jesters Comedy Club in Omaha to perform for open mic night. WOO!
Good Times
User Reviews
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2005-01-21 22:47:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Did you know they don't like horse fucking on work computers?
I didn't.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-01-03 18:44:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
where are you? I miss your posts and comments.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-10-18 21:42:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that is some hot shit, oh mama!
"Those types of calls."
BAHAHHAAH
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2004-09-20 16:04:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MoonStone (user info) at 2004-09-20 15:58:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2004-09-20 15:48:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-09-18 02:19:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dod you lean down really really close and smell it? I mean, really rub your
nose right in it? it may just be beer. you may feel better knowing...
go lick it and see if it's salty.
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-09-18 00:02:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Niiiice.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2004-09-17 23:49:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by retarded_ape123 (user info) at 2004-09-17 17:04:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
nigger
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-09-17 15:58:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should have told his boss you were his ghey lover.
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2004-09-17 15:45:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Bennywild (user info) at 2004-09-17 15:42:59 (#)
Ranking: 2
I am from Omaha. I was wondering where abouts your haunts are.
Don't worry. Little danger from me hunting you down. I live in Cali now.
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Well when i get out I will hit Murphy's, and any bar downtown. Usually I am trying to get into the comedy clubs now.
Submitted by Bennywild (user info) at 2004-09-17 15:42:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am from Omaha. I was wondering where abouts your haunts are.
Don't worry. Little danger from me hunting you down. I live in Cali now.
Submitted by BoogieFevuh (user info) at 2004-09-17 15:40:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Good stuff
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2004-09-17 15:39:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Midnight_Laydee (user info) at 2004-09-17 15:00:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Man, don't you just hate it when that happens?! You dealt with this seriously well, scare the shit out of all of them, get revenge on their sory asses, dob them in to the police and then have them grovelling to you with writen apologies. Excellently done my friend.
Good luck for Sunday!!!
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2004-09-17 14:55:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2004-09-17 14:21:29 (#)
Ranking: 2
Have you posted something similar to this before? Still funny, but I'm just curious.
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Well there was the time that three people broke into my roomates and mine apartment.
Submitted by Gnome (user info) at 2004-09-17 14:44:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you should've just joined the orgy.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2004-09-17 14:21:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Have you posted something similar to this before? Still funny, but I'm just curious.
Submitted by wazzawazzayo (user info) at 2004-09-17 13:41:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Break a leg Hombre.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-09-17 13:36:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2004-09-17 13:35:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
" I sat in someones wet spot " Groovy!
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-09-17 13:34:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can see it now...
"Uhhhh....So, uh, I hear that Omaha likes to party."
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-09-17 13:28:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Writing standup is hard.
Good luck, chief.
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2004-09-17 13:27:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You poor guy. Have fun on Sunday! This Sunday I shall be celebrating my independence day - looking forward to it!
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-09-17 13:25:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You and your sex posts.
"I don't see the point of going to the theatre. All that sex and violence- I can get enough of that at home. Except for the sex, of course."
-Baldrick
Submitted by Monarch (user info) at 2004-09-17 13:24:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Been a while since I saw a Shark post!
Good stuff, "I loves it."
Submitted by legallady (user info) at 2004-09-17 13:23:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great Story...those BOLD fuckers...GOOD LUCK with open mic...I am sure you
will be Great!!
Submitted by MM_LP_Track3 (user info) at 2004-09-17 13:21:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Could have been a great story but it was rushed at the end, along with grammar and spelling errors...
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2004-09-17 13:19:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That rules!
Submitted by Malificent (user info) at 2004-09-17 13:18:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2004-09-17 13:18:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2004-09-17 13:17:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Today I was looking over your old posts and wondering where the fuck you had been.
Thanks for coming through with some good shit and best of luck on sat. I'll drink a beer and raise a shot in your honor.