Bastard Lego!!! (2170 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.94 on 62 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by nakedguitarist (View user info) at 2004-09-18 08:35:40 EDT
I'd had a really shit first year at uni. Sure I'd pulled a good few but the only sex I got was when I went home to see my "fuck buddy". My room was a desolate wasteland of the single, so very single man. My laptop was constantly downloading filth and I felt that should have really bought stock in tissue companies. I was desperate. I wouldn't really get up to go to lectures without a mid-morning wank. There was no feeling. It was wanking for the sake of wanking. Sometimes I wouldn't even notice it, I'd just be in my room after having a shower and then look down, somebodys happy and away I go. I was often late now that I think about it because I was jacking off all the time. And every other single fucker is the same.
My problem was that I didn't need to put in any effort with girls because after about 15 pints of snakebite I could stagger off and knock one off over a Kazaa fueled binge. Score!!! Well, things are changing, I deleted ALL my porn whilst shedding a few tears for the more memorable videos. 7GB in total which wasn't too bad. I hoped.
At night instead of spending money on more booze, I'd have a nice relaxing night on my flatmates arabian bong getting fucked off ours faces, but it was this one Saturday that we'd set up a bong for breakfast and ended up walking to Tesco spending £30 on Lego Bionics, because lets face it, lego rocks. I'd thought nothing more of it until it happened to play a mean and very dirty trick on me at the end of the first year.
It was the day before I went home for good, all my stuff was "packed away" i.e creating a modern art shit-tip in my room. The day was warm and hazy thanks to the previous nights drinking, and I'd been invited to an all-you-can-drink for free. With food. Get the fuck in. So I walked down with my mate, looking like the bumbling slighty-hungover tit I am, with baggy khaki shorts, baggy t-shirt and 3 weeks of beard. I was blissfully unaware of the anguish my stoner shopping spree was about to reek.
We got down there and everything was great, the beer flowed like the rivers of avalon, the food came and went, and I was slurring to someone about the Iliad and clouds, when hang on. Who is she? This absolutely stunning bird with curves to stab for. If I hadn't been violently masturbating in the morning, there would have been a twinge for sure. She recognised me and started to talk to me. Oh sweet jesus, this is great, free beer and this gorgeous creature showing interest, even in my hobo state.
I became an instant gentleman and got her some free drinks, and then we decided to go to this club with her friends whom she'd sacked off. In the taxi and my lips are getting a damn good workout. We get in, we drink like fish, we grope like horny monkeys, I am in little heaven. So she's smiles and says lets go back. Again, Get The Fuck In.
We walk back hand in hand (aww) to the bottom of her block, and she says she feels sick. Oh well, its been a good night, I won't press for more, I kiss her goodnight and walk to my flat. I get in, have a banging shit and penguin-walk into the kitchen with my trousers round my ankles, when I see her walking around the front of my flat to my front door. Hmmm, the story doesn't end here then.
I let her in and receive a flurry of tongue exercise with the seductive tone of "I forgot to get your number". That wasn't all she going to forget, I was going to fuck her brains out like a shotgun in the mouth. Then I noticed that she'd been back to hers to brush her teeth after being sick to come back to mine, so she'd made a effort which was the point that made me push it towards to bedroom.
She walks in. Everything is a mess. The bed, the floor, the why didn't I put the pack of tissues back on the shelf instead of right next to the laptop?!?! But thats ok she smiles, we move towards the bed. Then something catches her eye..
She picks it up. Its my lego. My lego bionics.
She holds it like a shitty nappy, and stares at it with a disgust only saved for when finding a sock soaked in jizz. Oh shit.
After a bone chilling silence she finally speaks, "My little brother has these...... He's 3"
And with that, all hope of any sex vanishes in the air. My mouth won't even begin to formulate an excuse, it'll be in vain. My raging hard-on sinks into its flaccid state. I have no excuse, I was so close to bagging this beauty when she must have let her defences slip just once. I had no horse tranquilizers, nothing would get her into my bed. All was lost.
I write my number down for her, I'm hurt, I'm ashamed, and as she leaves, she doesn't give me her number, and then when I ask I get that immortal line "I'll suprise you later". I stood there, head hung in self pity, distraught at how close I was. There's only one thing I can do now.
I switch the laptop on.
User Reviews
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-08-23 01:05:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2008-08-22 16:23:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-03-04 04:49:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to ressurect this post, in the vain hope that maybe one day NakedGuitarist will come to Uber and maybe type up another couple of anecdotes.
This was so Fucking Funny
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-07-14 09:47:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This post has been nominated in First-Post-A-Palooza, go vote at http://www.ubersite.com/m/70666
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-07-12 14:47:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
shoulda told her it was a Danish sex-toy...
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-07-12 12:18:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Read this one before.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-07-12 11:53:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-03-29 16:50:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-03-04 07:56:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd choose my lego over the broad anyway.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-03-04 07:48:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious.
On a side note, Lego Bionicles suck. None of the new shit is any as good as the oldschool Lego stuff.
I mean, nowadays it's either based on a movie (corporate whores), or the parts are custom made to look cool, such as in Bionicles. For example, a ship will have less parts to put together, but will still look cool at the end because the parts are custom made to make up the ship. There's no talent involved anymore.
Man I wish I still had my Lego. I sold it, in that terrible time between when it is the best toy in the world, and when it has nostalgic camp value. *sniff*.
Submitted by boneface (user info) at 2005-03-04 07:27:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yeah, come back you bloody brit
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2005-03-04 05:31:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2005-03-04 05:06:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by zxcvvcxz (user info) at 2004-09-18 15:38:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
Very nice. Every guy has that one thing in his room which he hopes his lady won't see.
-------------------------------------------------------
Yeah. Mine's my penis. :(
Awesome FP. Welcome aboard.
Submitted by MrWillard (user info) at 2005-03-04 05:01:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Would have been a +2, but since I'm an ignorant American, I can't understand a fucking word you said. What the hell is a Lego Billonics...or however you spell it?
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2005-03-04 05:00:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
He's not been heard of since he came to Birmingham.
The few posts I've read have been gold. I'll pray for his return.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-03-04 04:49:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to ressurect this post, in the vain hope that maybe one day NakedGuitarist will come to Uber and maybe type up another couple of anecdotes.
This was so Fucking Funny
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-09-20 06:19:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
aaaahahahahaa!!
Submitted by Julia (user info) at 2004-09-20 00:25:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've come back for a brief refuge from endless Ubermadness deaths. Legos are happy.
Submitted by nakedguitarist (user info) at 2004-09-20 00:14:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
yeah, i was unfortunately fairly rude for no reason. well, there was a reason, but nothing to do with ubersite. Swisscamel, i hearby retract my drunken statement. fucking hell, its 5 in the morning and i'm still drinking. rock on!! raaaah.
Submitted by Timmah (user info) at 2004-09-19 19:34:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Would've been a +2 but you were bitching about a +1 ruining your streak.
And plus it made me smile.
Submitted by PatheticCapitalistFuck (user info) at 2004-09-19 19:12:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm with the "trying to be a cunt" faction.
You rule, Degreeless :)
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-09-19 18:56:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Swiss Camel gave you a +1. Not a -2. Not a -1. Stop bitching. He can have his own opinion if he wants, and he felt it was +1. Or he was trying to be a cunt, one or the other.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-09-19 18:40:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I still have my lego by the way, and noone is going to come between us. I forgive you lego."
hahahaha
As a side note, I too once deleted my entire stash of pornography. I can't remember how big it was, but I certainly did miss it. Not because of moral reasons though. I was leaving the country for the summer and my aunt & uncle were going to keep the computer while I was gone. They have three kids. Now, although I would have loved to claim responsibility for opening said children to the wonders of human sexuality, I wasn't willing to face the undoubtedly resultant ostracization. I'm getting back up to speed now anyway, so I guess it's a good ending.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-09-19 18:34:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was awesome. Let it be a warning to all of us single males: you never know who will be over, or when. Keep your fucking room clean.
I especially liked "I get in, have a banging shit and penguin-walk into the kitchen with my trousers round my ankles..." and "That wasn't all she going to forget, I was going to fuck her brains out like a shotgun in the mouth." Hehe. The ending was good too.
Submitted by Pringles4eva (user info) at 2004-09-19 18:16:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
if you like lego's you'll love this:
http://www.tuesday.tk
Submitted by nakedguitarist (user info) at 2004-09-19 18:06:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ah PatheticCapitalistFuck. thankyou for your concern but really it doesn't matter. but however, it a shame that people can discriminate others work without posting anything of themselves. Swisscamel. You are indeed a little pedantic cunt. Please, if you think all these people are wrong in their reviews of my first post then write something yourself so we can all view your Michael Winner style of perfection and self egotistical gratification of yourself.
It's simply childish to just ruin what was turning out to be a fucking good streak and for a short while I was second in the best posts ever. Especially if done without due comment. There seems to be a lot of bickering on this site with certain users but I feel as someone new to the site I don't deserve it. Again, Swisscamel, let's see what you can do. So, in parting words, simply, fuck you cunt. Thankyou and goodnight.
Submitted by PatheticCapitalistFuck (user info) at 2004-09-19 17:31:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Swiss Camel is a fuckhead.
+2 for ruining the streak and not making a comment, douche water.
Submitted by SwissCamel (user info) at 2004-09-19 17:13:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-09-19 17:04:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shitfuck Jr?
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2004-09-19 05:45:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have screen shot if you want it, email me falcotti.at.hotmail.com for it.
Submitted by CoreaPeekay (user info) at 2004-09-19 04:20:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because you had 7gb of porn. you probably have a few bugs on that laptop, too. lol
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2004-09-19 03:53:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by nakedguitarist (user info) at 2004-09-19 03:34:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ooh bad grammar. Unintentional of course. It's early here.
Submitted by nakedguitarist (user info) at 2004-09-19 03:33:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Argh! Most heated!? What the fuck? I don't know what anyone is talking about. I'm go back into my cocoon.
Submitted by PatheticCapitalistFuck (user info) at 2004-09-18 18:28:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This needs to get on Most Heated.
PULL UBERMADNESS OUT OF THE HEATED EQUATION!
Ok.
Submitted by nakedguitarist (user info) at 2004-09-18 18:17:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks. Getting some good feedback of this which is nice. I've spoken to a good number of girls about the lego and they don't seem to have a problem with it. Infact most want to play with it, which could be turning into the strangest chat-up line ever. "Hey baby, do you want to play with my lego? I've got the town series. You and me. I might slip in a bit of paradiso aswell. What'd you say?"
I think I've got a screenshot with all the evidence I need. I'm gathering that first time posts aren't normally this high ranked after so many reviews. Well thanks anyway. Mmmm, Lego Technik.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-09-18 15:51:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
In case you didn't take heed and someone fucks your perfect rating up, I have a screenshot I can email you. Let me know if you want it!
I had a huge fuck-off castle, with a dragon and horses and everything!
Had....? I mean have :o)
Every girl should appreciate lego, goddammit!
Submitted by nakedguitarist (user info) at 2004-09-18 15:48:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thought I'd just say that this is horribly true. So very very true. Sigh.
Submitted by zxcvvcxz (user info) at 2004-09-18 15:38:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very nice. Every guy has that one thing in his room which he hopes his lady won't see. Better luck next time.
Submitted by Quasiplasmohedron (user info) at 2004-09-18 15:38:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I found parts a little confusing, but that's probably just because I'm half asleep right now. +2 for this:
She holds it like a shitty nappy, and stares at it with a disgust only saved for when finding a sock soaked in jizz. Oh shit.
After a bone chilling silence she finally speaks, "My little brother has these...... He's 3"
Submitted by WiKi (user info) at 2004-09-18 14:40:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I was going to fuck her brains out like a shotgun in the mouth."
HAHAHAHHAA
I can't believe you have a solid 2 on 23 reviews.. on your first post, no less!
That's amazing.
This story was hilarious. Poor guy.
Submitted by MarkTwang (user info) at 2004-09-18 14:29:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1 |\| 7 3 |2 3 5 7 1 |\| G shit!
Submitted by nakedguitarist (user info) at 2004-09-18 14:09:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No fucking way! That's class! The robin hood lego and the knights with the horses?! Damn I wish I still had all that. It's strange she was from Sunderland but not a hint of accent. A lot of girls think it's "cute" but alas, they won't get in the fucking bed. Damn it!
Submitted by RideJohnnyRide (user info) at 2004-09-18 14:06:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
poor dude!
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-09-18 14:01:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
God, you sound scarily like me. Except I only have 4 Gig's worth...
I have hundereds of lego men in my uni room, and I periodically organise them into squads with makeshift weapons and force them to fight each other. I only mention this because I was in a similar situation- except the girl thought my lego infatuation was 'cute', resulting in far more action than i'd anticipated. Scottish girls, eh?
Submitted by Ingsoc (user info) at 2004-09-18 13:49:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2004-09-18 13:44:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've just submitted mt first post too - wish I hadn't because it doesn't even come close to this!
"get the fuck in"!!
Awesome
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2004-09-18 13:37:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll keep it going. It deserves it, too!
Submitted by nakedguitarist (user info) at 2004-09-18 12:17:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by PatheticCapitalistFuck (user info) at 2004-09-18 12:07:44 (#)
Ranking: 2
Take a screenshot so you have some good beat off material later.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
good beat off material. hmmm. okay. well, i did delete all my porn...
Submitted by PatheticCapitalistFuck (user info) at 2004-09-18 12:07:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, Falco is saying that you've got a mega +2 streak going on your first post. Take a screenshot so you have some good beat off material later.
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2004-09-18 11:53:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Its on a perfect rating.
Submitted by Julia (user info) at 2004-09-18 11:40:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm with Indoninja. If a chick doesn't like Legos, she's stupid and probably has gonorrhea.
Submitted by nakedguitarist (user info) at 2004-09-18 11:40:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
a screenshot? why? is this a good rating? this is my first post and i only found the site yesterday. but ok. cheers, i guess.
Submitted by PatheticCapitalistFuck (user info) at 2004-09-18 11:38:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Like she doesn't have a fucking Hello Kitty on her bed, that fucking douchebag.
Submitted by cf7 at 2004-09-18 11:26:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Build a hot chick out of Lego!!
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2004-09-18 11:26:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
DUDE TAKE A SCREEN SHOT OF UR USER Id and rating as sum1 will ruin this streak
Submitted by cigar (user info) at 2004-09-18 11:05:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff.
Submitted by nakedguitarist (user info) at 2004-09-18 10:26:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Cheers for the 2's everyone. I still have my lego by the way, and noone is going to come between us. I forgive you lego.
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2004-09-18 10:06:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I had no horse tranquilizers, nothing would get her into my bed. All was lost.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2004-09-18 10:04:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If she didn't appreciate Lego's you didn't need her anyway man, the cunt.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-09-18 09:49:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For being British and appealing to my English sense of humour.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2004-09-18 09:32:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I agree, that was good solid first post. funny and well written. Nice story.
Submitted by fluff (user info) at 2004-09-18 09:13:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
really nice post
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-09-18 08:49:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh.
+1 for a solid first post
+1 because the septics are not going to understand the true excellance of the phrase 'get the fuck in'