Destroy innocence!!! (886 hits)
Category: SportsRating: 1.44 on 17 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by The Downward Spiral of your Mind (View user info) at 2004-09-18 19:31:01 EDT
I'm slowly growing more interesting. Today in speech class we were to hand the teacher three different ideas for an upcoming demonstrative speech assignment(ie "how to..."). As a side note, we also had to actually show it in class while giving the "speech" on it. I tried for a while, but I was unable to come up with anything really good. To compensate, I wrote some 8 ideas or so, in the hopes that maybe a couple of them would get selected.
I knew I was in for a couple of good laughs when , as she started to go over the various students' suggestions, she commented that these were always "interesting." How she would often get suggestions that would seemingly have had nothing to do with person who gave them. I could barely wait at this point.
The first one I wrote is what seems to be becoming my motto: how to punch a dolphin in the head. She got to my paper, laughed, and looked at me with a "how could you?" look. I feigned innocence. The resulting comments between the two of us provided some entertainment, and there was much rejoicing.
I also had a couple of other bizarre ones, such as "have sex," "take a shit without having the toilet water splash you on the ass," "refuse to give a bribe to an African cop," and "cook and eat grasshoppers" -which, as a side note, is the only one of those suggestions I HAD actually done.
She -the teacher- was like "I can't believe you'd want to hit a dolphin." So I responded with "hey, you know, don't knock it 'til you try it... but when you do try it, knock it hard." At one point she said something like "these are so mean-spirited!" to which I answered "hey look it's not like I want to kill it... just hurt it a little." That got a particularly good guffaw from among the plebeians.
User Reviews
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-10-22 20:26:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Andrew says:
i punched a dolphin once
Andrew says:
at sea world
Andrew says:
seriously,
Andrew says:
they had a pool by the beer garden with dolphins in it,
Andrew says:
and these little kids thought it was the greatest thing in the world,
Andrew says:
i was a little intoxicated,
Andrew says:
and i turned to this little girl and said, "do you want to pet Flipper? let's see if we can get him over here!"
Andrew says:
so i start putting my hand in the water, waving it around, and one of 'em comes over,
Andrew says:
and the little girl was smiling like it was fuckin' christmas,
Andrew says:
and i punched it right in the face,
Andrew says:
and her lip started quivering, and tears rolled down her cheeks,
Andrew says:
and that's when my friends grabbed me and pulled me away and said "ok, you've had enough to drink. we're leaving right now before you assualt Shamu next"
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-09-24 12:41:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The great thing about grasshoppers/locusts is that to fry them you don't NEED butter/oil/cooking spray. Just throw them into the pan and the heat will cause their own juices to leak out -very greasy, oily juices. Self-cooking, almost.
Submitted by mxc_jwebber (user info) at 2004-09-24 02:56:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Fire roasting: hold them under a lighter for 10 seconds, then eat. Or you can try frying them in a pan with butter.....
John
So how does one cook and eat grasshoppers? I seem to have a plague of the little critters this year. Them and those goddamn Jimminy Crickets. Rotten little fuckers.
Michelle
Submitted by blujnbbyqn (user info) at 2004-09-24 02:32:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
[many under the breath guffaws]
So how does one cook and eat grasshoppers? I seem to have a plague of the little critters this year. Them and those goddamn Jimminy Crickets. Rotten little fuckers.
Michelle
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-09-20 23:25:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Take it easy, sweetheart. It turns out my sister is fucking hot.
Submitted by honeycake (user info) at 2004-09-20 23:07:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You remind me of my grandmother.
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2004-09-19 19:31:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Okay... I'm gonna turn over this way now...
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-09-19 17:58:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
GodLovesALittleLovin: I, too thought it was "plebians." It's "plebeians." Cfr: dictionary.com
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-09-19 12:05:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
dude... wow.
Submitted by fluff (user info) at 2004-09-19 10:20:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha. good one.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-09-18 22:23:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/41474
Even though you mispelled plebians I am enthralled by the fact that you enjoy punching dolphins. Just don't mess with Ecco, he lost his parents and he's gonna be president someday.
Submitted by Catscradle at 2004-09-18 20:34:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm so sorry. That was very mean of me. Perhaps some flowers can help us to be firends again?
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-09-18 19:52:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
mikethescottish:
I WILL MARRY YOU
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-09-18 19:48:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
For a short story competition in school, I wrote about kidnapping one of the popular kids, tying her up in a warehouse, shooting her and having a passing train cut her head off. The teacher got spooked and developed a nervous laugh whenever she talked to me. I didn't mind though, she gave me straight A's for the rest of the year. Dumb, scared, bitch.
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2004-09-18 19:38:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The first one I wrote is what seems to be becoming my motto: how to punch a dolphin in the head.
AAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by Catscradle at 2004-09-18 19:34:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
-2 die.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-09-18 19:33:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I'm not a bad guy. I work hard and I love my kids. So why should I spend
half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?
-- Homer Simpson
Homer the Heretic"