Prime Choice. (1670 hits)
Category: UberMadness!Rating: 0.56 on 188 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Uber Madness 2004 (View user info) at 2004-09-19 00:20:23 EDT
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This post is officially part of UberMadness!. Click here for more information on the rules and restrictions. |
Entry 1
Do you have that girl that in your life, your "prime choice, that, regardless of how many times you've seen her she still seems like the perfect girl?I have, for quite some time, some of you may call that stalking, I call it pursuing love until eventually they go crazy or give in.
Many of you have found ways around problems with getting with these perfect girls, some of you actually ask them out, while others go for the more logical approach and slip them a micky in their drink and graciously guide them to your apartment.
I have this problem, it's called "I'm too much of a turd to ask a girl out-syndrome", now if I was gay this would be a great problem to have, however I'm not.
This is all back story to a night a few weeks ago. My friends invited me to a party, to which I rather reluctantly went to.
So, while sitting in my chair in one corner of the party, my perfect girl walked in, we knew each other well in college, beautiful, intelligent, witty, and charming over all (just like the ladies on this fine website (suck up points?)).
My friends noticed me looking in her direction... they chuckled and told me to go for it..
In my head I heard in a deep rumbling tone:
10 seconds to apocalypse
I get out of my chair, muster up whatever courage I have and begin walking in her
Direction
5 seconds to apocalypse
I begin thinking of my best pickup lines... I'm a little rusty though, these were the best I could come up with...
"hey are you from Tennessee? Cause you're the only Ten I see"
Or "Hey Do you sleep on your stomach? Well can I?
2 seconds to apocalypse
She looks up to me and smiles, I smile back
Apocalypse:
Suddenly, I notice the beer on the floor... all too late
I slip on the beer spilled on the floor, my body slamming into the table my "perfect girl" was sitting at. Beer flies everywhere, all over my prime choice and her friends.
Her face suddenly became extremely red and she is noticeably angry.
The only thing I could think to say was:
"Hey, I think I fell for you"
Suddenly, from above I heard the words:
"FINISH HIM"
I was swiftly kneed in the nuts.
Well, I suppose the only good thing I know from all this was that she wasn't my prime choice after all.
- VS -
Entry 2
Prime Choice"Got another load of prime choice!"
McKloskey and Jennings looked up, saw Verdun hop down out of the cab of his truck.
"Fucking idiot," McKloskey mumbled.
Jennings swapped a toothpick from one side of his mouth to the other.
The cattle inside the big steel Travalong trailer were lowing and shuffling about, their hooves making muffled thuds.
"Hey, dipstick," Jennings laughed. "There's different cuts of meat. Prime, and choice. You been hauling livestock long enough, you should know what the hell is what."
Verdun took off his John Deere cap and scratched his head. His fingernails were black with grease.
Jennings spit out his toothpick and took a fresh one from his pocket. His fingernails were brown with dried blood.
McKloskey couldn't stand either one of these fucks, but they worked cheap.
"I gotta take a dump and get some soup and a sandwich," Verdun announced with a grin. He walked off, heading down the road to Ed's Souper Stop.
Jennings gave McKloskey a wave. "Back to the killing floor, boss."
McKloskey lit a smoke. He watched a couple of guys open the back of the trailer and start beating the cows down the ramp. The cows were confused. McKloskey chuckled.
Fuckers were dumber than Verdun, if that was possible.
For the last five, maybe seven years, these cows had had a nice life. Get hooked up to the milking machine in the morning, walk out the big barn doors, lay on the grass, eat, nuzzle each other. Then they were shipped off to a place that smelled of blood. They could hear cries of terror and pain from other cows.
The cows were beaten into a chute. They wanted to stay together, huddled in the safety of the herd. The chute reeked of piss and shit and fear. At the end of the chute was a man with a bolt gun. Beyond the bolt gun was a moving belt. Stunned cows fell onto the belt. They were hoisted up by hooks and chains. If they were still alive at that point, and they frequently were, no amount of swinging and kicking would free them.
The chains carried them along, and there would be Jennings, his smile punctuated by his toothpick, a knife in one hand.
Jennings was pretty good. Even McKloskey had to admit that. He could find an artery and swipe at it in one slick move. The cows bleated and bled out as they moved down the line.
Sometimes they were still conscious when the cutting and skinning began.
No one really cared. Slowing down the line would mean a loss of profits. The line kept moving no matter what.
Not long after entering the chute, the cows would be reduced to cuts of meat. Prime, or choice, or cheaper cuts.
The line never stopped. This was a hungry world.
McKloskey looked up the hill.
The boy was up there again. McKloskey could see him. Christ, he could see the big pink egg that was the boy's over-sized bald head, anyway.
McKloskey flicked his smoke away, checked to ensure the radio on his belt was switched on, and started up the hill with a grunt.
How many times did he have to slap sense into Irma before it took hold? How many times had he told her to keep the boy in the house?
The last thing he wanted was for his entire crew to know his son was a fucking retard.
No wonder he spent so much time at the plant, or eating every meal he could at Ed's or drinking cheap pitchers of Bud all evening at the Shawnee Roadhouse. He hated the way the house always smelled cause the kid was always shitting himself. He hated seeing the kid's fucking moon of a head slowly turn toward him, and the kid's drool-shiny smile.
From the top of the hill you could see the entire valley, and the town nestled in it. Humber, Ohio. Population... who the fuck knew?
McKloskey always thought they should change the name of the town to Blood Valley or something like that. Here, near the crest of the hill, he could see Dougherty's Beef & Meat Packing Co., the stinking, sprawling, lucrative operation he had inherited from his father-in-law. A little to the west was O'Shaunessy Pork Products. Fucking pigs squealed night and day. On the far side of the valley was Buchmann Poultry. That place was a shithole, but Buchmann himself always sent a nice big turkey to the McKloskey home every Thanksgiving and Christmas, a little reminder that when the USDA started poking around, they should all stick together. Hell, tipping each other off about coming inspections and PETA freaks sniffing around wasn't just good business, it was survival.
"Jesus," McKloskey said, wheezing a little as he reached the flat top of the hill. He started walking toward the boy and saw Irma coming up the other side of the hill. The house her daddy had built was just a little ways away, safe from the smells and sounds of the valley. Most of them, anyway.
Irma was fast. She got between McKloskey and the boy.
"I'm sorry, Michael," she said. Her hands were white, dusted with flour. "I got busy baking and lost track of him."
McKloskey fired up another smoke. "Jesus, Irm. How many times do I have to tell you? I don't want the boy outside."
"His name is Michael," Irma said, looking indignant and angry and afraid all at the same time. "He's your son. Named for you. Remember?"
McKloskey remembered, stepping around Irma and looking at the boy, who was sitting all huddled up and rocking back and forth while looking down on the valley.
He wished he didn't remember. He wished that part of him was dead, the goofy kid who had once loved this woman and couldn't keep his hands off of her, who once held a newborn baby in his arms, bursting with so much pride that he named the boy Michael McKloskey Jr., and now the baby that had held so much promise was an embarrassment, a twelve year-old fucking retard.
The doctors called it severe autism. Yeah, what the fuck ever. The kid had been pretty normal at first, getting more and more fucked up with every passing year. Whatever. Just keep him the hell away from me.
Something wet filled McKloskey's hand and he shivered, repulsed. What in Christ! He looked, and quickly pulled away, stumbling as he stepped back, his smoke tumbling out of his mouth.
"For God's sake," Irma said. "He only tried to hold your hand. What's wrong with you? You think you're so tough, down there with your crew, but when faced with this little boy who only wants you to—"
"Shut up," McKloskey said. He looked at the boy's hand, slick and wet. Not only was the kid still drooling, but now he was crying as well, just pissing a river out of each eye as he watched another cattle car pull up and begin to unload.
Irma planted herself right in front of her husband and whispered, "If you had any balls—"
McKloskey's hand came up so hard and fast he didn't even know what he was doing until he saw Irma lying on the ground in front of him. She started to cry. Jesus fuck, McKloskey thought, she's so dried up and wrinkled she looks like somebody's grandmother.
Now Irma was crying and the boy was crying and McKloskey was wishing the three of them were way out in the middle of fucking nowhere and he had a gun. He'd only need two bullets.
He reached down and grabbed Irma's wrist, to haul her to her feet, to drag her and the boy back to the house and lock the kid in his room with his shitpot and soft toys, when the boy laid a damp hand on his wrist.
"Why?" the boy asked.
McKloskey looked down into the wide, watery eyes, saw the heavy bald head trembling under a neck too weak to support it properly.
"Why what?"
The boy gestured at the valley with a curled hand.
"Hurting. All hurting. Why?"
McKloskey couldn't remember the last time the boy had spoken that clearly. He glanced at Irma, still sitting on her ass, and she looked astonished,
"That's meat, you fucking idiot."
Irma struggled to stand. "Michael!"
"Well, fuck it," McKloskey snapped. "I've had it with this fucking freak. And it's not like he can understand me."
"Sleep?"
One word from the boy and her mother and father froze.
McKloskey was getting angrier. Irma was afraid. More afraid of the boy than she had been of her husband.
"No, honey," Irma said. She kneeled beside the boy and stroked his head, leaving faint white streaks.
His smile was brief. The sound of a screaming pig reached them. The smell of chicken feathers. They could see the cattle struggling far below.
"Sleep? Sleep?" the boy asked again.
"Oh for fuck sake," McKloskey said. "This is bullshit."
"No..." Irma said. "No. Remember? When Mikey was five, and he found the bird with the broken wing?"
McKloskey waved her away.
"And when he asked what happened we said the bird was hurting, and we couldn't fix it."
"Bullshit, Irma. Don't get started on that again!"
"And then Michael told the bird to sleep and it..."
McKloskey snorted. "Yeah, so it died. Big fucking deal. It was fucked up and died. The boy didn't do anything—"
"My father," Irma said softly.
McKloskey shifted from one foot to the other.
Irma crossed herself. "He had pancreatic cancer. Cancer in his bones. Cancer in his throat. It was eating him alive and the pain... The doctors did nothing. Wouldn't give him enough drugs. And then we took Mikey to see his grampa in the hospital, and while we were standing in the doorway bickering about something or another, my father died. And Mikey said, 'Sleeping now.' Remember?"
A breeze ruffled McKloskey's thinning hair. The breeze died, and the smells of the slaughterhouses and processing plants were back.
Irma held up a fist, began raising fingers one by one. "The Trenton's dog. Hit by a car and hiding under their porch half-mad with pain. No one could get at it. Then Mikey slips past everyone and crawls under there, and comes out a minute later, and the dog is dead. No struggle. No... nothing. And there was the frog that Jimmy Alliston cut the legs off of, God, I hate that child, and he left it on the sidewalk outside Ed's. We come out, see it struggling and bleeding, and Mikey touches it and whispers and the frog dies."
McKloskey looked at the boy. "All crap," he said.
"He whispered, 'sleep,'" Irma said. "I heard him. He touched the frog and said, 'Sleep,' and it went still."
The boy gestured at the cattle again.
"Why? Hurting? Why?"
McKloskey had reached the end. He squatted in front of the kid and grabbed his stick-thin arms. Irma came at him and he pushed her away.
"Why? Why, you little fuck? Because it's the way we were, they way we are now, they way we always will be, and a few whiners are never gonna change that. Understand? That's meat. That's food. We kill, we eat. Understand?"
The boy stared at McKloskey, and then looked over his father's shoulder.
"I unnerstand," he said. "Can't listen any more. Hurts"
I know the feeling, McKloskey thought.
The boy waved a bent hand at the cattle below.
"Sleep, cows. Sleep."
When he first heard the sounds, McKloskey had no clue what could make such a strangely familiar noise.
He turned and looked down at the plant.
The cattle were dropping dead. Every last one of them. He knew the sound of a stunned cow hitting the dirt, but he had never heard so many of them falling at once.
He saw Verdun's scrawny frame moving down the road, heard the distant shout— "What the fuck is this?"
He saw Jennings step out into the sunlight and look all around and shake his head.
His radio crackled. He raised it and said, "Go."
It was Stu Frampton, the day-shift foreman. "Holy God, boss, you gotta get down here. The inventory, it's sick or something."
A minute passed.
Another truck pulled up. The driver jumped out, ran back to the trailer, cranked open the doors. And just stared.
A minute passed.
McKloskey's radio crackled again.
"Go."
Jennie Field. The only person who could keep the paperwork in the office organized. "Mike? I just got a call from my brother over in Eastfield. He works at Centurion Beef? He says that all their cattle are sick or something cause—"
McKloskey switched off his radio.
The boy gestured again, in the direction of O'Shaunessy's operation. His voice was a whisper. "Sleep, piggies. Sleep.
After a moment, a distant alarm bell began to sound in the vast, hanger-like structure that housed the brood sows.
"Stop it," McKloskey said. "Whatever you are doing, just stop."
The boy's watery gaze settled on the far side of the valley. The Buchmann Poultry plant.
"Sleep, chickens. Sleep."
McKloskey reached for the boy to give him a shake, to make him stop.
He was too late.
The boy looked at his mother, and his father. Then he looked up into the sky and closed his eyes.
"Sleep, people. Sleep."
McKloskey was dead before he hit the ground.
Around the world, livestock died.
Everything caged or corralled, living in stress, fear, discomfort, fowl, steer or pig, died.
Around the world, people died.
People died waking up and going to bed.
People died praying in church. People died in handcuffs while being read their rights. People died standing and sitting. People died showering and shitting.
World-wide, they died as one. No one was immune.
People died having sex. They died giving birth. They died watching baseball and feeding their dogs and baking cookies. Some died while dying, gratefully escaping a slow and agonizing death from disease.
Cars stalled, flipped, crashed, and rolled to gentle stops. Tractor-trailer rigs and Greyhound buses smashed into country homes and city cafes.
Planes fell out of the sky. On any given day there are thousands of flights in the skies over America alone. On this day fireballs erupted across the country, bright orange plumes rising over city skylines and rural fields like hellish blossoms.
Days passed.
Animals died by the millions.
Dogs and cats and rodents slowly starved to death in the cages of shelters and laboratories.
Birds in cages expired quickly, as did fish in aquariums of every size. The dolphins and killer whales in San Antonio's Sea World called for help, for food, and died slower, grimmer deaths.
Most enclosed zoo animals died. Some escaped. Many large mammals were able to break free. In a decade, small herds of elephants and rhinos would wander the Great Plains.
In the San Diego Zoo, a pair of Orangutans discovered the maintenance door to their habitat had not been locked properly, and after stepping over the body of an attendant holding a hose from which water still poured, they wandered the zoo for days, freeing as many animals as they could. They would later be killed by one of the big cats they had released.
Fires raged out of control. Whole counties were reduced to ash. Beloved national parks and ancient forests were lost forever. Cities such as Chicago, Atlanta, and San Francisco were reduced to charred shells.
Weeks passed.
Domesticated animals and domestic livestock which were free experienced Darwinism at its harshest. It was simple, really. Eat or die. Some dogs and cats pined for their dead masters and faded away. Others ate the meat before them and survived.
Dog packs formed in the cities and flourished.
The housecat was no more. In a single generation these small felines returned to the wild, feasting on rodents no longer being destroyed by poisons and traps.
Wildlife followed the call of instinct and spread across the land as never before. Endangered species multiplied.
Malls, schools and parking garages became dens and warrens. Skyscrapers became whitewashed aeries.
Most untended nuclear reactors shut down. Thirteen melted down, two on the west coast and eleven in New England. Wastelands were born.
Months passed.
In time, the dead began to rot. A pestilence swept the earth. Many species were lost to disease. The seas were restored faster than the land.
Years passed.
The Earth resumed ancient rhythms.
Five hundred years after the death of homo sapiens, all that remained of their great works were unnaturally shaped mounds and towers covered in vegetation, vast dead areas where no animal would tread, and curious artifacts; the faces of four males of that species carved in the side of a mountain, massive and ancient sandblasted shapes in the desert near an ancient river, curious metal structures spanning rivers and reaching for the sky, covered by climbing plants and ablaze with the colors of small wildflowers every spring.
In the biosphere, a niche was waiting to be filled.
Entry 1:
Allyson
Beer_bong
Bizdorph
bob
BoxcarChild
Caulaincourt
darko
Donitsu2002
DonkeyOnTheEdge
Fr057m0urn3
girlreporter
Gnome
gooche
hamilton
Herpes
I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish
Id
isthisallthereis
j00
Kaelic
knucklesnelson
MickGinny
munkeypants
Natsukau
Oscar
Philst82
Pringles4eva
razmataz73
runninginplace
russizm
sparkle_pink
WiKi
Wingfoot
Xile
28 eligible votes (34 total) *
Entry 2:
Ainkara
Anjie
antluvdog
AshK
AshyLarry
Azriel
babydoll
Badlands
Banga3386
Bigmike
BLITZKREIG_BOB
BoogieFevuh
Brdn_Nkd
c1ndy
CabaretGirl
cexshun
checkyourmail
Circe
coley
comicbookguy
congo
corn_nugget
Coyote
cshape
d_prime
Death_Metal_Dude
Dirtbird
Disektor
dodahdave
Durae
EatMeCompletely
EchoBoxing
electrictoothsyndrome
engine13
enraged_baboon
evolydal
facts
Falco
Falconer
FilthyAssistant
FunnyAsCancer
gamma
Genko
gibberish
godking
Heimdallsman
horse87
humor_me
hyprspacd
Ignore_the_Small_Print
Impassive-Digressive
jack11058
Jack_McCallum
JMG114
Julia
kabigon
Katja
KingHFB
Kristen
krootons
LadyPlural
legallady
lilbill87
littledan
lojope
Loren1
lucid
Monarch
Natalia_Everitt
NerfHerder
NetProphet
nitty34
Nobb
ofMontreal
omnifica
OneCheapGeek
PatheticCapitalistFuck
Phinch
polyamorousaj
potatomanjack
QueenAshlee
ralphmacchio
redraven
rurumon
salmonofdoubt
satchel
seanfogy
sebcharrot
shadow
shark25
shitfuck
Silkmaestro
SilvrWolf
Slovin
Slypher
Smithstudd
Smurfs
SPECIALk
spedmonkey
Spiral_Abraxis
Spooner
Spuds002
Stabkill
steph
stevie_says
Stin
strider
SullyThePirate
tammy
Teephphah
the_lone_stranger
The_Walrus
theres_a_cow_in_my_underpants
Therighteouswicked
TigerLilly
Timmah
tinactin
tlozoot
TonyMontana
Totally_useless
treblereel
TripWire
Trout
Vermin
wazzawazzayo
William_Q_Percy
WRECKER
Yes
yetti_girl
youarsoghey
YouLookLikeINeedADrink
Zeccs
Zoidberg
zombieZero
105 eligible votes (134 total) *
* Eligible votes are those made by users who had either (A) posted 3+ messages OR (B) written 100+ [lowered from 750+] reviews as of the beginning of the UberMadness! competition.
User Reviews
Submitted by Xile (user info) at 2004-09-28 16:35:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Author #2 at 2004-09-28 12:18:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Allyson (user info) at 2004-09-27 01:26:54 (#)
Ranking: 2
author 2...
obviously you know nothing about the practise of slaughter. Animals are not "beaten" down a chute, and are scared until they are killed. Actually, the opposite. We wouldn't want any "dark cutting" which results from agitated animals being killed. hormones, adrenaline, etc, all destroying the meat.
dumbass.
============================
Use of the term "beaten" implies hits, whacks and prods down the chute, you silly ignoramus. Cows smell blood and shit and piss and hear other cows losing it. They do not go willingly. And they are scared. Happy cows to not roll their eyes and struggle for freedom.
Take your industrialized farming 'happy cows' PR bullshit and stick where the sun don't shine. If you want to eat meat, feel free, but at least have the fucking decency to see the hell of a modern slaughterhouse for what it is, a business where workers suffer from high stress and the daily risk of serious injury, and the dollar reigns over all.
There is no more kindly farmer Jim quickly and mercifully striking down an animal he has tended since birth.
Submitted by NetProphet (user info) at 2004-09-27 14:55:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The cows in the second story had more of a chance than entry one did.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2004-09-27 10:34:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Timmah (user info) at 2004-09-27 05:35:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
There were a couple things about entry two I would've changed but overall a very cool story.
Submitted by Allyson (user info) at 2004-09-27 01:26:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
author 2...
obviously you know nothing about the practise of slaughter. Animals are not "beaten" down a chute, and are scared until they are killed. Actually, the opposite. We wouldn't want any "dark cutting" which results from agitated animals being killed. hormones, adrenaline, etc, all destroying the meat.
dumbass.
Submitted by legallady (user info) at 2004-09-25 19:15:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The Ubermadness Death count must be infinity by now.
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2004-09-25 17:00:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by The_Walrus (user info) at 2004-09-24 22:17:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I actually liked the ending of #2, some people are saying it was overdone, some saying it was underdone. I thought it was about as good as it could have been made.
I wish the author of the 2 the best of luck.
Submitted by The_Walrus (user info) at 2004-09-24 22:08:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The +2 was for Entry 2, my favorite Ubermadness entry so far. Incredible.
Such a good story was really wasted on Entry 1.
Submitted by godking (user info) at 2004-09-24 17:13:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Somebody had to do it. Toss 6 billion more on the pile.
GK
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-09-24 15:55:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked entry two. That, and entry one plain sucked.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-09-24 15:45:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i like sci fi.
Submitted by Monarch (user info) at 2004-09-24 13:32:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Entry One: Looks like a normal true-life Ubersite post. I was looking for something better in UM. And you mentioned the site in your post.
Entry Two: Long, only barely fit with the title. But I still liked it. Reminded me of old-school sci-fi writers.
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2004-09-24 12:45:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2004-09-24 08:42:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Two was awesome. One was not.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-09-24 07:43:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Good, but could have been ended a lot earlier. (entry 2)
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2004-09-24 02:02:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Spuds002 (user info) at 2004-09-24 02:01:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
holy shit a retard ended the world.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2004-09-23 19:46:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
entry two was not what I was expecting, it started small and then took on a massive scope
Submitted by littledan (user info) at 2004-09-23 14:55:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by antluvdog (user info) at 2004-09-23 13:16:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice job #2.
Submitted by Katja (user info) at 2004-09-23 12:51:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2004-09-23 11:39:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Two, easy.
Biggest ass kicking of the tourny thus far.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2004-09-23 11:17:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by CabaretGirl (user info) at 2004-09-23 04:32:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
LOL!
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-09-22 15:38:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
#1 - Hmmm...
#2 - Great stuff, I thought the build up was good but just a tad too long. Really enjoyable. Thank you.
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-09-22 14:01:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by treblereel (user info) at 2004-09-22 12:07:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-09-22 10:44:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This post (post 2) is probably my favorite of Ubermadness so far. In my mind, it is very well written, entertaining, insightful, and provocative. An absolute +2 if I've ver seen one! I won't be in the lest suprised if this author wins it all.
Submitted by Philst82 (user info) at 2004-09-22 10:22:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by gamma (user info) at 2004-09-22 10:09:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by WiKi (user info) at 2004-09-22 09:00:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Heimdallsman (user info) at 2004-09-22 01:24:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Slypher (user info) at 2004-09-22 00:43:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hahahahhhaa, fuckin apocalypse.
Submitted by Slovin (user info) at 2004-09-21 22:53:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
For final calculation purposes, I'm going to assume the total population of Earth is fixed at 6,393,766,700 for the duration of the contest. This will only count when the contest is over, as mass killings throw the scale off to an insane degree.
Body count: 309
http://tbd.yi.org/umbc.php
Submitted by tammy (user info) at 2004-09-21 22:08:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2004-09-21 18:20:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by seanfogy (user info) at 2004-09-21 15:33:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by lucid (user info) at 2004-09-21 12:45:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by WRECKER (user info) at 2004-09-21 12:36:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
CREEPY
Submitted by hyprspacd (user info) at 2004-09-21 11:54:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-09-21 10:52:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I just can't vote for 1.
2 was a great idea, but this is going to reek havoc on the death toll.
Submitted by Badass at 2004-09-21 10:19:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
sucktacular
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2004-09-21 04:35:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2004-09-21 03:42:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
yay! Finally ubermadness death that I can appreciate!
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2004-09-20 21:54:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TonyMontana (user info) at 2004-09-20 21:29:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by #2 at 2004-09-20 19:42:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2004-09-20 17:08:11 (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for #2.
I hope to shit you aren't in my bracket.
If you are...sleep.
======================
That got a big-ass har-dee-har!
Submitted by engine13 (user info) at 2004-09-20 18:54:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-09-20 18:27:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by gooche (user info) at 2004-09-20 17:43:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2004-09-20 17:12:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2004-09-20 17:08:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for #2.
I hope to shit you aren't in my bracket.
If you are...sleep.
Submitted by Pringles4eva (user info) at 2004-09-20 16:48:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
fuck both of you. you shall be pwned.
Submitted by wazzawazzayo (user info) at 2004-09-20 16:24:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-09-20 16:23:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Azriel (user info) at 2004-09-20 16:18:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by ralphmacchio (user info) at 2004-09-20 16:09:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by dodahdave (user info) at 2004-09-20 15:53:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Margaret Atwood will be calling shortly.
Submitted by Vermin (user info) at 2004-09-20 15:44:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2004-09-20 15:16:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-09-20 15:09:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by AshyLarry (user info) at 2004-09-20 14:43:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2004-09-20 14:15:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Let's see the death count now!
Submitted by redraven (user info) at 2004-09-20 13:39:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-09-20 13:30:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
#2.
Submitted by Anjie (user info) at 2004-09-20 13:14:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by strider (user info) at 2004-09-20 12:19:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
#2 was pretty good. 6 Billion deaths minus the autistic kid. Let the UM death meter skyrocket! what happened to the kid anyways?
Submitted by rurumon (user info) at 2004-09-20 11:36:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Numero 2 was outstanding. I got a bit confused towards the end, its almost like you were trying to tell two stories at once. While they were both good, I felt like I would have enjoyed it better had it not ended so far fetched.
Submitted by Dirtbird (user info) at 2004-09-20 11:27:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Totally_useless (user info) at 2004-09-20 11:27:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I was waiting for Michael to say 'Sleep, Daddy, sleep...'
Submitted by Gnome (user info) at 2004-09-20 11:16:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2004-09-20 10:33:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-09-20 10:09:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nevermind.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-09-20 10:09:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I know who this is, I believe...
#2= BLITZKRIEG_BOB
Submitted by Banga3386 (user info) at 2004-09-20 03:51:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Revenge of the tard=worldwide murder of all humans.
Just wait until lil Michael gets wind of Uber, we're all fucked!
Submitted by Kaelic (user info) at 2004-09-20 03:51:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed at the "FINISH HIM" line.
Submitted by steph (user info) at 2004-09-20 03:31:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by cshape (user info) at 2004-09-20 02:26:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
6 000 000 000+
Submitted by horse87 (user info) at 2004-09-20 00:35:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Long, but worth the read....
Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2004-09-19 23:51:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
... they both sucked.
Submitted by cexshun (user info) at 2004-09-19 23:50:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Complete global annihilation didn't seem to fit really well into the story. Good enough to get past first round though.
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-09-19 23:44:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2004-09-19 23:36:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-09-19 22:19:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by #2 at 2004-09-19 22:16:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
aj > Old dairy cows are routinely disposed of. Sad but true.
http://www.fao.org/ag/AGP/AGPC/doc/publicat/PUB6/P601.htm
http://www.factoryfarming.com/dairy.htm
Evolydal > You have a good eye. Thanks.
Slovin > 6,393,766,700... give or take a few.
http://www.census.gov/main/www/popclock.html
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2004-09-19 21:41:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by theres_a_cow_in_my_underpants (user info) at 2004-09-19 21:13:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-09-19 20:48:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by evolydal (user info) at 2004-09-19 20:35:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I forgot, #2, you need to watch your props. It's kind of hard to have a cigarette fall from your mouth when you pitched it in the dirt a few minutes ago. Other than that it was quite good. Keep it up!
Submitted by evolydal (user info) at 2004-09-19 20:29:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-09-19 20:24:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mike, only the cows, chickens, and pigs were told to die.
The rest of the animals lived.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-09-19 20:23:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was ready to stop reading entry 2 after something inane pissed me off.
I was going to stop reading here...
"Get hooked up to the milking machine in the morning, walk out the big barn doors, lay on the grass, eat, nuzzle each other. Then they were shipped off to a place that smelled of blood. They could hear cries of terror and pain from other cows."
They don't slaughter dairy cows.
But I kept reading, to make sure that it was definitely better than the Hurricane of shit that was the first post. It was worth it.
Good job, #2.
Submitted by BoxcarChild (user info) at 2004-09-19 20:22:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-09-19 20:06:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2004-09-19 19:51:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Finish him!
Submitted by Slovin (user info) at 2004-09-19 18:37:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
And god DAMN, I am not going to be able to count all those fucking deaths.
Submitted by Slovin (user info) at 2004-09-19 18:36:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
" to which I rather reluctantly went to. "
Ouch.
Oh, and just, so you, know, commas can, get, fucking, annoying. There are other forms of punctuation at your disposal. Go nuts.
I liked entry 2 better.
Submitted by Natalia_Everitt (user info) at 2004-09-19 18:18:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Wow, that was fucking excellent.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2004-09-19 18:05:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by youareallmean <jerks.at.dontbeassholes.com> at 2004-09-19 18:02:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I've noticed this on all of the entries. The people who have to leave
comments like "this post left bile in my mouth".
Nice way to be an asshole, dick!
Submitted by Smurfs (user info) at 2004-09-19 17:38:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
moo
Submitted by Genko (user info) at 2004-09-19 17:20:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Genko (user info) at 2004-09-19 17:20:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Zeccs (user info) at 2004-09-19 17:13:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
#2 all the way.
Submitted by Falconer (user info) at 2004-09-19 16:57:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2004-09-19 16:40:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Entry two was great. Not sure the last paragraph was necessary, it kind of took me out of the story. But it still rocked. Beats another testicular injury story.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-09-19 16:36:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by ofMontreal (user info) at 2004-09-19 16:15:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by yetti_girl (user info) at 2004-09-19 16:00:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yum. That's incredible.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-09-19 15:44:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
...
Submitted by Julia (user info) at 2004-09-19 15:40:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by russizm (user info) at 2004-09-19 15:23:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BoogieFevuh (user info) at 2004-09-19 15:04:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by tlozoot (user info) at 2004-09-19 14:39:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Entry 2: Weird but cool. A +2 well earned.
Submitted by Smithstudd (user info) at 2004-09-19 14:11:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow that was by far the best story I have read on here.....
Submitted by Id (user info) at 2004-09-19 13:59:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Wingfoot (user info) at 2004-09-19 13:51:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by zombieZero (user info) at 2004-09-19 13:37:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2004-09-19 13:21:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
whoa. long. you'd have thought razor had written it
hehehe
Submitted by Oscar (user info) at 2004-09-19 13:08:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Jesus fuck entry two was long.
Submitted by PatheticCapitalistFuck (user info) at 2004-09-19 13:03:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
1 sucked. Simply put. Great pick-up lines, though.
2 had some non-intentional research errors (beef ratings (not cuts; cuts are the cuts of the meat like T-Bone, etc. A T-Bone can BE a Prime Cut) are Prime, Choice and Select (Prime having the highest fat content, select being almost totally devoid of fat), and USDA guidelines call for ALL cattle to still be alive (heart beating) when they're hoisted up. The slaughter house I worked at shot the cattle in the head with a .22 right between the eyes to paralyze them, and then hoisted them up. They then slash their throats to bleed them out then skin, gut, decapitate and quarter.) and the ending was too odd (all that detail and build up, only to destroy the world in a few sentences). But not bad for a Stephen King knock off.
Submitted by Bizdorph (user info) at 2004-09-19 12:55:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Whoever wrote entry two:
DONT WRITE SUCH FUCKING LOnG ENTRIES.
Submitted by Bizdorph (user info) at 2004-09-19 12:55:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Whoever wrote entry two:
DONT WRITE SUCH FUCKING LOG ENTRIES.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2004-09-19 12:21:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-09-19 12:18:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by too_many_wheels <horse87.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-09-19 12:15:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent!
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-09-19 12:14:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oops, sorry number 2. Here's your rating. :-)
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-09-19 12:13:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
PETA freaks.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-09-19 12:10:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's a damn fucking shame entry two had to go up against the bile that was entry 1.
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2004-09-19 12:06:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-09-19 12:03:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Silkmaestro (user info) at 2004-09-19 12:01:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2004-09-19 11:56:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Both of these sucked. Second looked like it took more effort, though.
Submitted by runninginplace (user info) at 2004-09-19 11:38:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2004-09-19 11:33:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now THIS is the ubermadness i've been waiting for.
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2004-09-19 11:32:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by OneCheapGeek (user info) at 2004-09-19 11:31:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-09-19 11:22:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Kudos to the both of you! It was a difficult choice!
Submitted by Natsukau (user info) at 2004-09-19 11:13:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Ignore_the_Small_Print (user info) at 2004-09-19 10:58:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by razmataz73 (user info) at 2004-09-19 10:53:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Oh yeah, but I really didn't like Entry 1.
Submitted by razmataz73 (user info) at 2004-09-19 10:50:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ugh. wish i didn't have to vote. i was gonna vote for 2, simply because 1 lacked substance. i could forgive that the author didn't seem to know ANYTHING about autism. but then when the kid started putting everything to sleep/killing them...yeah, that killed my vote too. pretty good writing, i was hooked at the beginning. but why did you have to make it so silly?
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2004-09-19 10:45:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
whoa! number 2 made me all shivery
Submitted by babydoll (user info) at 2004-09-19 10:28:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Took me a minute to get into number 2, but once I started reading it, it was great. Very creative.
Submitted by isthisallthereis (user info) at 2004-09-19 10:06:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by salmonofdoubt (user info) at 2004-09-19 09:35:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
odd.
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2004-09-19 09:33:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Funny wins.
Submitted by omnifica (user info) at 2004-09-19 08:23:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Trout (user info) at 2004-09-19 07:54:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2004-09-19 07:45:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Entry one fucked up in the first sentance.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-09-19 07:19:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey! This is my title. Cool.
Number 1.....meh.
Number 2....although a little confusing because you say that all creatures die and then you go on to say that some lived, not a bad story. Your run on sentences at the beginning almost made me stop reading and vote for 1. I'm glad I didn't.
The UberMadness death count just went into the billions.
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2004-09-19 06:31:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto Vote for entry two: Do you see a trend here?
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-09-19 06:30:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Widespread carnage, always a bonus.
And I didn't like #1.
Submitted by enraged_baboon (user info) at 2004-09-19 06:17:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
blah!
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-09-19 05:49:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No contest.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-09-19 05:48:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Do you have that girl that in your life, your "prime choice, that, regardless of how many times you've seen her she still seems like the perfect girl?"
This may be the worst opening sentence I have ever read. Totally put me off the rest of the story.
Submitted by Therighteouswicked (user info) at 2004-09-19 05:06:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by krootons (user info) at 2004-09-19 05:05:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Beautiful.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-09-19 04:51:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by rad1101 <rad1101.at.yahoo.com> at 2004-09-19 04:50:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
good
Submitted by checkyourmail (user info) at 2004-09-19 03:16:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by girlreporter (user info) at 2004-09-19 03:14:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't know what to say...I read Entry 2 thinking to myself "It sucks that I can't vote for Entry 1...any Mortal Kombat reference deserves a huzzah." And then the ending of Entry 2 dragged out lines and lines and lines longer than it needed to. Oh well...not like my vote counts anyway.
Submitted by KingHFB (user info) at 2004-09-19 03:13:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
[votes 2]
well that was the most fucked up plot twist since Dusk till Dawn
Submitted by j00 (user info) at 2004-09-19 02:59:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2004-09-19 02:19:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
#1 was underdone. #2 was overdone.
But I like crispy better than rare.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2004-09-19 02:13:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm confused.
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2004-09-19 02:02:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES
Submitted by YouLookLikeINeedADrink (user info) at 2004-09-19 01:50:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Nobb (user info) at 2004-09-19 01:46:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Fr057m0urn3 (user info) at 2004-09-19 01:22:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by kabigon (user info) at 2004-09-19 01:18:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by facts (user info) at 2004-09-19 01:17:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2004-09-19 01:02:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2004-09-19 01:00:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm totally just guessing.
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2004-09-19 00:59:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
2 was excellent and creepy...very excellent.
Submitted by TripWire (user info) at 2004-09-19 00:57:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by satchel (user info) at 2004-09-19 00:54:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by humor_me (user info) at 2004-09-19 00:50:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Spiral_Abraxis (user info) at 2004-09-19 00:41:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2004-09-19 00:41:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2004-09-19 00:37:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Post Two reminded me of a Twilight Zone episode. Good stuff.
Submitted by gibberish (user info) at 2004-09-19 00:34:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by hamilton (user info) at 2004-09-19 00:34:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Entry 1 gets my vote ONLY because of my death policy.
Slovin, you now have to calculate the exact population of earth. Have fun.
Submitted by lilbill87 (user info) at 2004-09-19 00:30:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-09-19 00:28:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
One was fucking retarded.
Submitted by Disektor (user info) at 2004-09-19 00:24:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment