The Ring Of Lies (1214 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 2 on 32 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by nakedguitarist (View user info) at 2004-09-19 09:25:29 EDT
The Ring of Lies can be interpreted as one of two things; undying love, or the worst fucking idea ever. We start off with my best friend O'Neill, who is engaged to his lovely, Anj, who lives in Wales. He rang me up during this summer with a fuck off problem that could only be solved with a crate of stella and two genius (drunk) minds. The conversation went something like this;
"Hiya mate, I need help. Anj is coming down this weekend."
"Okayyy. Help with what?"
"Well, she's kinda expecting to see the scars from where the doctor sewed back on my finger."
"But you didn't get you finger cut off."
"I know. I need help."
So it boiled down to this, he'd rang her up after work one night with the words "Now honey, I don't want you to worry but the doctors have stitched my finger back on and everythings fine now" only to be confronted by hysterical screaming and crying over the phone. At this point, he wasn't sure what effect it would have to tell her he was only kidding as she had become fairly upset. So naturally, he went along with it. That weekend he went down to see her with his middle finger in bandages hoping he could carefully break the news.
What he wasn't hoping for was the barrage of sympathy from her parents and grandparents about his finger and whether it was alright. Shit.
Ok. I feel for the poor guy. He was only playing a simple prank and SHE over-reacted leaving us no choice. We had to create the scar.
First of all, he needed to get some stuff for a romantic dinner and all that shit. Candles, champagne bucket, and there was something else. So we got the bus over to Liverpool and walked off the bus with unfortunate stiffies because the only seats were right above the wheels. Thankgod for baggy jeans and the jacket I was wearing because there was no way I was walking around town looking like I had a HOFNAR (Hard On For No Apparant Reason).
After a successful shop (I bought some wax crayons and a large pack of elastic bands), we were off to his to get raging drunk and scar him for life.
We got two crates of wifebeater (stella artios for those that don't know) and proceded to get shitfaced whilst watching copius amounts of porn and randomly enough, the Stepford Wives. 9 cans of rageahol later, I brought out the scarring weapon. The old bottom E string of my guitar. This baby was going to get red hot. We practiced slipping it over his finger so as to burn a scar about 80% all around, but we quickly realised we couldn't do it in one fell swoop. This was going to take several small burns around. Hohoho.
We left it for a while and carried on drinking when he went into the kitchen to piss in the sink instead of going to the loo. He'd been a while and then came out triumphantly. With a cauterised finger. He just bucked up the courage and did it, AND he said it didn't hurt that much.
Well, he wasn't going to have all the glory. I wanted a piece in the self-harming ritual. He was right! It doesn't really hurt at all, but I only did one big burn, I didn't lie to my (non-existant) girlfriend. Pure genius. We'd done it. We'd proven we were men by scarring ourselves for life instead of telling the truth and excepting the consequences. True men don't face up to reality. Instead they get drunk and become Gods, and we were just that.
So we sat and watched Dirty Debs does Europe #9, proud at our achievements. Until I noticed something with his new formed battle scar.
It was on the wrong fucking finger.
By this time we are so fucked we were talking in binary, but there was no choice. We had to do it again, and the responsibility fell to me.
Under the grill flame until it went red with heat. Finger ready and TSSSSCH. One down. Bit off centre but hey, I'm wasted. Next one, ready? and TSSSSSSSSSSCHHH. Ok, held that one down a bit too long. Sorry mate. Hmmm. Doesn't quite match up but we can sort that out later. Last one. TSSSCH. Beautiful. A work of art. Pass me my beer.
Needless to say his finger looked like it had been chewed by a serrated arsehole. But we did it, and then the little shit was so drunk that night he rang her up and told her the truth. All that burning and scarring for nothing. I feel cheated.
Fuck.
User Reviews
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-08-23 01:05:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-08-22 19:15:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Har
Submitted by BobSandwich (user info) at 2008-08-22 17:35:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2006-09-14 18:15:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was just radomnly cruising Uber and came across this gem again. People need to be exposed to this guy again.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-03-04 07:50:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Only 3 of the 120 reviews you have ever received have been anything other than +2s.
They were +1s.
Submitted by hobbs (user info) at 2005-03-04 06:24:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Wazza (user info) at 2005-03-04 05:34:51 (#)
Ranking: 2
All the burning for nothing ,it's allways the same man ,ha ha ha .
Submitted by Wazza (user info) at 2005-03-04 05:34:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
All the burning for nothing ,it's allways the same man ,ha ha ha .
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2005-03-04 05:12:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Again.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-09-21 10:42:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for random burning and fucking funny writing, and for being a funny Brit.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-09-21 04:21:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant.
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2004-09-21 04:05:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your posts are funny as fuck. No doubt i'll keep coming back here.
Submitted by nakedguitarist (user info) at 2004-09-20 02:17:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Soley_Trinity: Happy Monday, I've just put it up, hope you enjoy it.
Submitted by nakedguitarist (user info) at 2004-09-20 01:35:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i spelt grammatical wrong. i am going stop drinking. this has taken so long to write correctly.
Submitted by Krautski (user info) at 2004-09-20 01:04:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This Ring heif Jews?
Submitted by nakedguitarist (user info) at 2004-09-20 00:21:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
oooh thankyou all. it so happens i have never seen seinfield yet i've heard good things.
it also just so happens i am festering drunk because of fucking katie. the bitch. i love this room, it looks like a tramps alley. i'm so proud. i will now attempt to finish my story for today with no spelling or gramatical errors at all. and then throw up.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2004-09-19 20:22:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Soul Trinity - 'Thanks for giving me a reason to look forward to Monday.'
I'm new to Uber, but that just may be the nicest review I'll ever read, and well derserved too.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-09-19 18:45:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You look promising. Yet another excellent post. Your story sounds like a Seinfeld script.
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2004-09-19 18:26:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by nakedguitarist (user info) at 2004-09-19 17:59:29 (#)
Ranking: 0
Soley_Trinity, thanks for that. I'm debated with myself whether to post my definition of a beer crime with all my examples of how i've badly broken them or another tale of my drunken debauchery. Hmmm. Yes. Drunken debauchery it is. I'll have it by tomorrow!
_________
Drunken afternoon debauchery - ahhh those were the days. I remember them well... park bench, plastic carrier bag containing a 4 pack of special brew.....oh shit, i didn't, no. *cough* Excuse my drunken ramblin's
Thanks for giving me a reason to look forward to Monday.
Submitted by cwl989 (user info) at 2004-09-19 18:11:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
We need pictures.
Submitted by nakedguitarist (user info) at 2004-09-19 17:59:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Soley_Trinity, thanks for that. I'm debated with myself whether to post my definition of a beer crime with all my examples of how i've badly broken them or another tale of my drunken debauchery. Hmmm. Yes. Drunken debauchery it is. I'll have it by tomorrow!
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-09-19 17:34:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"By this time we are so fucked we were talking in binary"
Heheh. Beautiful. We've all been there.
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2004-09-19 17:15:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So naturally, he went along with it...
thats not natural
Submitted by tlozoot (user info) at 2004-09-19 16:51:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This story is truly a kicker of all ass.
Submitted by Smithstudd (user info) at 2004-09-19 16:22:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Deadly
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2004-09-19 14:01:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*post
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2004-09-19 13:59:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A perfect rating for your first and second post. Wow.
I'll be sure to look out for anything you poast. Take a screen shot of your ratings.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-09-19 12:23:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Uber. (user info) at 2004-09-19 12:22:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking sweet. Wife beater is the cause of and the solution to all of life's problems.
Uber.
Submitted by nakedguitarist (user info) at 2004-09-19 12:00:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
well this one's gone well. fucking hell.
Submitted by MoonStone (user info) at 2004-09-19 10:43:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oww, and all that for nothing?
Submitted by nakedguitarist (user info) at 2004-09-19 09:42:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
oh no its was an old string, i'd changed them all and i hadn't been arsed to put them in the bin. You'd be suprised, the scar fades quite quickly, and if he hadn't told her, it'd need topping up. But its still there. The ring of lies. fucking hell, i'm so stupid.
Submitted by propertie_fenspost (user info) at 2004-09-19 09:34:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have to say this was a bloody good post. How's ya finger? And ya guitar?