Our Country is Now Safer (Or, Why Retarded People Shouldn't Get Jobs in Security) (721 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -1.2 on 11 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Butterball (View user info) at 2004-09-19 15:42:02 EDT
I was watching a TV show the other day about police. At first, it made me think of the more respected police, such as maybe the FBI, or SWAT teams. Then, it reminded me of the lowest common denominator of police: Security Guards.
Security guards, specifically, mall security guards, run the wide range of the young, brilliant police officer in training, to the kind hearted old man, to the borderline retarded middle aged man who couldn't get any other job, and only got this one out of pity.
Thinking about this reminded me of something that happened to me the other day. Me and two of my friends went into the city to hang out. We had to go to the mall for a little bit, because there were a couple people we wanted to meet there. So, after walking around for 5 minutes, we found them, and set off for the local cinnamon roll shop.
On the floor of the mall, there are different colored tiles. They alternate between white and grey, but sometimes there are gaps of 3 tiles of the same color.
Anyways, it was about 9:00 P.M., and me and one of my other friends have this game that we cleverly titled, "Don't step on the white tiles".
So we were playing this little game, not harming anyone obviously, when a security gaurd spots us and comes over.
"Hey, you guys, I don't want to see any more of you screwing around, you hear??? Consider this your first warning, and if I catch you doing it again, I'm going to kick you out for a week!!"
As he was telling us this, he seemed to be trying not to appear cross eyed. Also, he was almost slurring his speech. Needless to say, we were also trying not to laugh our asses off.
"Yes, ok, we are sorry", we said, instantly forgetting him.
So, we went back to our dandy little game of, now that we were warned, carefully stepping over the tiles.
How in god's name this was bad, is yet to be revealed to me.
The bright security guard came back to us not more than 15 yards down the mall.
"Okay, thats it!! You're done! Get out!"
"Um...what?", we replied, in confusion.
"You heard me. I told you guys not to screw around anymore! I'm banning you from the mall."
Well, we weren't about to take this sitting down. "But...what were we doing? Are you punishing us because we are only stepping on the GREY squares? You racist!
"I thought you were supposed to save us from potention terrorists, not teenagers who weren't stepping on certain tiles. Christ."
As we were basically yelling at him, his face got redder and redder. "YOU HAVE TO GET OUT OF THIS MALL RIGHT THIS INSTANT!!", he said, trying and failing to keep his eyes from crossing.
Seething with indignation, we yelled back "You can't kick us out!! We're leaving!". And, we all took off in a dead sprint for the distant mall doors, maybe 200 yards away. The security gaurd ran after us as fast as he could, while calling for backup in his radio.
As we got to the mall doors, there were two security gaurds there, climbing out of their car. They rushed in and tried to stop us, but we ran right by them. We got to the parking lot, and piled into the rusty old 1976 suburban truck that my friend drove to the mall. As the security guard finally got outside, he took his gun out and pointed it at us while ordering us to stop.
Well, needless to say, we didn't. So, he fired a few warning shots into the air. This must have seemed like a good idea to him until the old lady just entering the mall let out a shriek and had a heart attack. As they were tending to her, we were laughing our asses off and getting the hell out of there.
stupid cops.psd (185 kB) [application/octet-stream]
User Reviews
Submitted by butterball (user info) at 2004-09-21 23:12:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ok jesus christ, boogie. Obviously I made up the ending, and a few of the details. But, for the most part, this shit actually happened. Settle down.
Submitted by BoogieFevuh (user info) at 2004-09-19 17:10:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Wow...this was absolute unrefined shit.
They told you to leave, so you said you're leaving, and ran out, so they chased you?
Security guards, especially MALL guards, have guns now?
He drew his gun because you left, as he asked?
He fired a warning shot because you kept leaving?
His buddies just stood there as you heroically dashed past them?
Are you older than 14???
This post made me laugh, but not in a good way.
Submitted by SwissCamel (user info) at 2004-09-19 17:09:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
OMG! You made this up
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2004-09-19 16:53:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
WTF is a psd?
I consider this a Virus Warning and smack your ass with -2.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2004-09-19 16:41:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by enraged_baboon (user info) at 2004-09-19 16:35:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
yeah. gun. sure. this was a good troll until you went overboard.
Submitted by Pingu (user info) at 2004-09-19 16:31:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
It was alright until the lame ending.
Submitted by Julia (user info) at 2004-09-19 16:28:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The security guard ran after you, called for backup and ordered you to stop leaving the mall? Huh? I've also never seen a mall security guard with a gun, but then again, I hate the mall and everyone in it.
Submitted by Zeccs (user info) at 2004-09-19 16:27:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This is bullshit, because mall security guards don't have guns.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-09-19 16:22:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
you sound like a little hoodlum that should be at home studying
your ABC's.
Submitted by Smithstudd (user info) at 2004-09-19 16:12:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
solid 1