It'S All Good (1333 hits)
Category: UberMadness!Rating: 0.17 on 143 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Uber Madness 2004 (View user info) at 2004-09-19 21:20:49 EDT
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This post is officially part of UberMadness!. Click here for more information on the rules and restrictions. |
Entry 1
TABLE OF CONTENTSChapter 1: My Encounter With a Damnpire
Chapter 2: I Go AWOL
Chapter 3: James I.T.S. Allgood
Chapter 4: Careen-Abdul into a Ravine-Jabbar
Chapter 5: Eating Pies While James Flies
[An excerpt from "A Story of James" Chapter 3]
"How fast are we going now?" I asked.
"I'm not sure," replied James. "Probably close to seventy miles an hour. You just passed four telephone poles in three seconds."
"Alright. So what's the speedometer say?"
"I don't hear anything," James told me.
I was driving with James through the open road, deep inside the heart of Nebraska. My eyes were closed, and all I could see was the orangish-red flesh tone of my eyelids. Although I couldn't actually see anything, I thought I could just make out the yellow dotted line, which I was using more so to stay parallel with the road then to determine which lane I should stay in.
In the passengers seat to my right was my best friend, James. James was a peculiar person, who lived a very methodical life. Everything seemed practiced and routine no matter the situation at hand.
James's father, Jack, had always wanted a boy, and he told his wife they were going to name him James. When his wife got pregnant and had a child, it was a girl. Jack told his wife that they were going to name it James, rather than start from scratch, so they did. She also had three middle names, a trait in which I admired.
This is basically what I use to explain why James does anything. She seems nearly flawless in whatever she does. Nothing ever bothered her. You could put her in any situation and she'd respond to it as if it'd happened to her every day, just like getting out of bed. She's extremely witty and oftentimes never responds to anything directly, that is when she decides to speak. Most of the time I have to think about what she means after she says something, or I just ignore what she says and hope that I figure it out sooner or later by luck.
We met in second grade, and ever since then we've always been together. It wasn't until I was sixteen that I found out James was really a female. Personally, I just figured she was born with some birth defects and I just left it at that.
I heard a thump come from the trunk of the car. I turned to James and asked if she heard anything.
"Quayle," replied James.
I slowly started to decipher what she meant when I heard the noise again. It nearly made me open my eyes, so I ignored the thump, and focused on trying to stay on the road.
I felt gravel slipping under the right side tires, so I swerved manically towards the left.
"How am I doing, James?"
"You're on the left side of the road, and we're about to crash. If you do crash, make sure you kill us both. I don't feel like answering questions all night."
I felt another thump and stomped on the brakes, while whipping the wheel to the right at the same time. I decided it was time to open my eyes, which I did just in time to witness an oncoming vehicle smash into the back left fender of the car, shattering the tail lights and spinning us back to the left.
The car that hit us had to be going at least ninety miles an hour, because once it hit us the car tilted onto two wheels, then it's side, and finally it flipped over and crashed into a telephone pole about seventy feet down the road.
I had started to get the car back onto the highway when James opened the door and got out. I shut off the car and followed her, wondering why she didn't want to get out of here as fast as possible, especially since the police could show up and start asking her questions.
As I passed the rear end of my car I saw that the trunk lid was bent upwards. Great, I thought, and slammed my elbow on the top of it, which caused the lid to pop up. Inside was a man wearing a suit with a button on the lapel that had '1988' printed on it. He was in the fetal position sucking his thumb.
I wondered whether or not this man was alive, but more importantly, what his name was. I hate seeing someone and not knowing their name.
I stared at him for a few more moments until I finally decided I'd call him Phil. I saw his foot twitch, and then his whole body convulsed. His right eye opened, and it slowly rolled in its socket until it rested on me. I was more scared then I'd ever been in my life so I turned and ran to James, who was standing next to a pile of fire and metal. On the ground next to her feet was a machete.
"James," I shrieked. "Phil's awake and he's trying to kill me."
We both turned and watched Phil dive out of the trunk into a summersault, and spring up onto his feet. Delighted at such a display of acrobatics, I started clapping.
Phil started walking towards us with his arm extended. I thought he wanted to crush my hand, so I stayed behind James, rubbing my hands together, and let her greet him.
James said to Phil, "How'd you get in the trunk of our car, Dan?"
I leaned in from behind and whispered, "You know his name is Phil, right?"
"No, it's the 1988 Vice President, Dan Quayle."
"Are you sure?" I whispered back, looking suspiciously at Dan who was straightening his suit while looking into the fire, as if it were a mirror.
"Can we make sure it's him?" I asked. "He looks crafty, like he's going to use our friendliness against us. First he hitches a ride with us without asking, but who knows what he's planning to do next."
"He misspelled 'potato' once," James told me.
I pondered at the idea while looking at Dan, who saw something inside the flaming debris, and kept burning his hand trying to get it.
"I don't think it's a good idea, James. Look at him; he's up to something. And if he was Vice President that means he's practically a genius. One time on the news I saw him drunk, and a reporter asked him about Hawaii. He said it has always played a very pivotal role in the Pacific, and it was in the Pacific Ocean, and that it was an island, and that it was right here."
I was panting from talking so fast, but finally finished up with, "He's a geographical prodigy."
She shook her head in disbelief before shouting "Hey Dan," over the roar of the flames. "Can I ask you a question?"
"Make it quick. There's a sandwich in here and it's only half eaten," Dan whined while dancing back and forth, tiptoeing around like an impatient child.
"How do you spell potato," James asked.
Dan's face shriveled up like a raisin in deep thought. He rubbed his temples with his fingers and started saying the word one syllable at a time.
"P...o...t...a...t...o..." He was murmuring now, repeating 'poe-tay-toe' over and over. "I've got it now. P-o-t-a-t-o-e. I just used phonics to make it easier. Just like I still use my fingers to count to ten."
I crossed my arms and leaned back in towards James. "Potato is spelled like tomato, except with a 'p' instead of a 't' right?"
Dan was still hopping up and down, waving his hands all around.
"My stomach is growling," Dan complained. "I need that sandwich, now!"
I looked back at James and she was shaking her head 'no' at me, but I wasn't sure if she meant that potato isn't spelled like tomato, or that Dan can't have the sandwich.
Suddenly Dan collapsed on the ground. I thought he had fainted at first, but then I figured he was playing a trick on me. So I waited for him to do another summersault and spring back to his feet. My hands were already waiting to applaud him.
James looked at me with pity and picked the machete up off the ground. She stared at her reflection in the blade, and then angled it to watch Dan.
Dan got back up a few seconds later and walked to side of the road and stood on a rock. He cleared his throat and straightened his tie. I was tense with anticipation, and eager to start clapping.
"Well let me just tell you what a pleasure it really is..." he said, "to be chosen as the 1992 Republican nominee for Vice President..."
"James, is he from the future?" I asked.
"Together we must not go past...towards the...back," he stammered.
"If he can travel through time, how come he had to ride in our trunk?" I asked James. "Isn't there a scientific law that states if you are in the trunk of a car for more then two hours you'll die?"
"No," James told me. "The greenhouse effect isn't a law that says you have to die just because you're in the trunk of a car. Besides, it's only seventy-nine degrees out."
"Oh," I responded, perplexed at her reply. I wondered who Mr. Greenhouse was, and why his bill was never passed into a law.
"...and I believe that I've made good decisions in the past. I also believe I've made good decisions in the future..." Dan's speech was taking forever. If he wanted an encore he could forget it.
I nudged James and said, "See, he IS from the future."
"...what he meant by that is a good defense can't not...always be a...good offense. Thank you."
Dan's speech was over and I started clapping until I realized I was the only one. Dan peered to his left, then his right, and made way for the fireball to get his sandwich.
Somehow he managed to grab it without catching his arm on fire, and although the bread was blackened and charred from the fire, that didn't stop him from bolting it down.
I noticed something on his pant leg and glanced towards the ground.
"Pant o' fire, pant o' fire!" I screamed while pointing at Dan.
His face contorted and he was mumbling again. I couldn't hear what he was saying because I was in hysterics but after a few seconds he saw a tumble-weed roll by so he got on the ground and started mimicking its movement.
I thought he was trying to roll away from us but instead he accidentally went into the flames first, and then upon realizing his mistake, he rolled the other way. By this time it was too late, he was completely engulfed in fire and the flames were eating him alive.
"Should we throw dirt on him?" James asked calmly.
"And ruin his expensive suit?" I bellowed, twitching from side to side, not knowing what to do.
James took a deep breath in and after holding it for a second or two in thought, let it back out.
I was running around the fiery car in circles looking for water, but I couldn't find any, so I just kept running for fear of having an anxiety overload. Coming around the left side of the car, Dan rolled into me and I tripped over his charcoaled leg and hit my head on his speech-standing rock.
Through a haze of tears I saw James kneel down next to a now motionless Dan Quayle. Her arm was raised; she looked statuesque. I felt the sudden urge to urinate, but I held it back, biting my bottom lip and sobbing.
Down went James' arm into the Dan Quayle barbeque. For five minute James was pounding into James with that machete, determined to put him out. I can't remember a time when I saw her so focused on accomplishing a goal. But she used that same nonchalant flare she'd had since before she was born, and sure enough, after her shirtsleeves were smoldering and her entire body steaming with sweat, the fire was out.
When she was finished she came over to help me up.
"Am I concussing right now?" I wondered out loud. "I don't know what a concussion is like --- I've never had one."
"Are you sleepy or anything?" James asked me.
"No, but it's about time for dinner," I said bending over Dan and rolling up my sleeves.
James slapped my hand as I started to turn Dan over.
"What? I asked innocently. "I just need some money."
I grabbed Dan's wallet and we headed back to my car. I stopped and grabbed James's shoulder and spun her around, looking her straight in the eyes from only a few inches away.
"Wait. You didn't think I was going to eat him did you? Because you know I'm allergic to rep---"
I fell onto my knees and then to the ground lying on my stomach, unconscious. Apparently I did have a concussion. James drug me to the car and put me in the drivers seat, and then got in on the passengers side. She started the car and we drove off into the evening sunset.
- VS -
Entry 2
"It's all good...."So had those words echoed, on and on as an inescapable mantra, within the mind of The Gunman. For nearly 20 hours now, throughout the night and now into the new morning, had The Gunman waited beneath the makeshift hiding spot of discarded bits of metal and wood. For nearly 20 hours now, had The Gunman watched the plaza from that rooftop. Now, as morning's light bathed the small shops and boutiques with an orange glow, did The Mission begin.
Find a target. Kill it. The expectation of suicide over capture had been implied.
Through the scope, did The Gunman begin to see the first people, shopkeepers and morning joggers, fill the plaza. It would have been a simple matter to kill one of these early risers. Too simple. And certainly not enough people to view the slaying. No, there was yet more time to wait. The Soviet-ear .22 caliber rifle was lowered to the cold cement of the rooftop, and the robed head of The Gunman soon followed. Time still to wait. Enough time to be reminded of why this had to be done...
/
The raid had come swiftly, without warning, without mercy. The soldiers had stormed into the Gunman's house, screaming in Hebrew and aiming drawn weapons at the entire family. Husband, wife, 2 sons, and one daughter. Neither scared and terrified soldiers nor the scared and terrified family could communicate with one another. For a full minute the confusion persisted. Finally one of sons' nerve broke, and he frantically rose and attempted to escape. He completed 5 strides before being cut down in a rain of bullets.
Then the world ended for the Gunman.
/
The scope beheld a young Jewish soldier in its crosshairs. The image of a family found lying in its own blood, the memories of pain as four bullets were removed from the sole survivor, and those words....those words flooded The Gunman's consciousness.
The Gunman knew some English. Those three words of broken English had burned a place in mind, body, and soul. For those three words of broken English were uttered by the last soldier to leave that scene of carnage. The soldier had scanned the bodies as the immobile but still conscious Gunman had looked on in helpless and silent rage. The soldier shrugged his shoulders in an expression of both apathy and abject helplessness, and muttered, in broken English: "It's all good."
"Indeed, it is all good," breathed The Gunman, now perched on the rooftop of cold cement, now lying underneath the makeshift hiding spot, now aiming the rifle at this young Jewish soldier's heart. It was now midday. The plaza was filled with humanity, and more importantly to the Gunman, witnesses. The black fabric enwrapped around the Gunman's visage moved rhythmically to the ever-increasing breath, tiny droplets of sweat beginning to dampen the bottom of the cloth. Just one pull of the trigger. And then mission accomplished. Find a target. Kill it.
But suddenly The Gunman no longer saw a young Jewish soldier in the crosshairs. Instead their stood a nervous, anxious, scared boy, looking around his shoulder at every sudden loud noise, of which there were many in the tiny, but loud, plaza. No longer stood a memory of hatred, but a figure of pity. This youth in a uniform knew he was a target, and knew that this mandatory post he now filled could very well be his death sentence, as it had been to many of his young peers before him, as it would assuredly be for those yet to wear the uniform of the Jewish Army of Israel.
The rifle was lowered. The Gunman simply could not kill this boy. But the fires of hatred and vengeance burned evermore strongly, having almost tasted the object of their desires. Someone had to die. A target had to be killed.
"Allah, help me.", pleaded The Face behind the black cloth that enwrapped the visage of The Gunman, pleaded in barely audible Arabic. Tears of pain, sorrow, and rage flowed forth, until the black cloth that enwrapped the visage of The Gunman grew damp and heavy, as if trying to mimic the equally burdened spirit of its owner.
/
Night had fallen. The lights of the plaza illuminated the small shops and boutiques with faintly yellow glow. For nearly 30 hours now, had the Gunman waited. For nearly 30 hours now, the task of death remained yet unfulfilled. "And it shall remain thus," whispered The Face behind the black cloth. The weight of murder had proved too strong to bear, and now The Gunman ached to be gone from the cold cement of the rooftop.
The Gunman looked down upon the plaza below, hoping that no one was there, hoping that a chance to flee had presented itself.
Instead, The Target had presented itself.
A young mother and her child daughter were sitting at one of the center tables of the small plaza. They, unlock the boy soldier, were not burdened by thoughts of shadows seeking their deaths. They were laughing, enjoying the bonds of Parent and child.
The Gunman stared. The Gunman remembered a child. A child that had been left for dead, a little girl left in her own blood. A little girl that had beheld The Face of The Gunman, before it had been enwrapped in black cloth, before The Gunman had been The Gunman. When the only thing The Gunman had been, was A Mother.
The Gunman rose suddenly from the makeshift hiding spot of wood and metal, tearing away the damp cloth, spilling forth her long brown hair, revealing her pale blue eyes, and presenting herself before a startled mother and daughter in the small plaza below.
"Do not be afraid!" cried the she, The Gunman, in broken English, taking aim with the rifle. Speaking now in Arabic: "For as Arab will die, so will Jew. For as my daughter died, so shall yours. May they find each other in heaven, as their mothers will surely be cast into hell!!!"
"Because," said The Face, The Gunman, and The Mother in broken English, "it's all good."
The trigger was pulled. A young, Jewish mother's world ended.
Entry 1:
Anjie
apollo88
ardubs
AshyLarry
Badlands
Banga3386
BLITZKREIG_BOB
bob
bugga
Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar
cexshun
congo
corn_nugget
Coyote
cshape
darko
DavyJones
domenad
Durae
EatMeCompletely
EchoBoxing
electrictoothsyndrome
engine13
evolydal
Fabish
gamma
Genko
girlreporter
Gnome
godking
hamilton
humor_me
Impassive-Digressive
indoninja
jack11058
JMG114
Katja
lojope
loki
lucid
Method
MickGinny
Natalia_Everitt
NetProphet
nitty34
PatheticCapitalistFuck
Pentameter
Phallic_Cymbals
Phinch
Pringles4eva
redraven
satchel
Slovin
Smurfs
sparkle_pink
SPECIALk
spedmonkey
Spooner
steph
Stin
strider
tammy
the_lone_stranger
The_Walrus
tinactin
tlozoot
Totally_useless
Trout
wazzawazzayo
William_Q_Percy
YELLOW-MAN
58 eligible votes (71 total) *
Entry 2:
AshK
Azriel
babydoll
Beer_bong
Brdn_Nkd
Caulaincourt
Circe
comicbookguy
daniet
Dirtbird
Disektor
dodahdave
DonkeyOnTheEdge
EmptyRobot
FilthyAssistant
firefly
FunnyAsCancer
gibberish
Heimdallsman
Herpes
hyprspacd
Id
Ignore_the_Small_Print
Jack_McCallum
Julia
KingHFB
knucklesnelson
lrw
munkeypants
Natsukau
NerfHerder
omnifica
OneCheapGeek
polyamorousaj
potatomanjack
QueenAshlee
ralphmacchio
razmataz73
runninginplace
rurumon
salmonofdoubt
Scott_James
shark25
SilvrWolf
Spiral_Abraxis
Stabkill
stevie_says
Teephphah
theres_a_cow_in_my_underpants
Therighteouswicked
treblereel
triple_optics
ugaly
WiKi
Yes
youarsoghey
YouLookLikeINeedADrink
43 eligible votes (57 total) *
* Eligible votes are those made by users who had either (A) posted 3+ messages OR (B) written 100+ [lowered from 750+] reviews as of the beginning of the UberMadness! competition.
User Reviews
Submitted by Id (user info) at 2004-09-24 10:53:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thank you Fabish. T'was an honor to compete against you, and I wish the best of luck in the upcoming round.....
....and of course I will enter UM III.
Submitted by Fabish (user info) at 2004-09-23 16:19:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Great story, Id. Join UM: III and there's no reason why you shouldn't get into the Sweet Sixteen.
Submitted by ugaly (user info) at 2004-09-22 22:27:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Entry One Author at 2004-09-22 18:44:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Come on Loren. Did I not have the same flare I had in my UberMadness: I submissions? Obviously not, but on one level or another, I was hoping you'd like it. With the change of time comes the change of opinions. I guess.
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-09-22 12:51:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
no it isn't.
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-09-22 12:43:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2004-09-22 12:40:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ETS: you're right, this was hilarious. Why can no one see the genius?
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2004-09-22 12:38:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
What. The. Fuck.
Submitted by godking (user info) at 2004-09-22 12:27:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I really thought story 1 was going somewhere. Then it went everywhere. Absolutely hysterical.
GK
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-09-22 11:39:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Katja (user info) at 2004-09-22 11:17:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2004-09-22 10:40:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Man, I know that some people like that random stuff, but I absolutely hate it unless it is strongly hinting at some sort of higher point. Definitely didn't get that here.
Not to mention #2 was a very good story.
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2004-09-22 10:32:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by gamma (user info) at 2004-09-22 10:16:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by WiKi (user info) at 2004-09-22 08:52:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by cshape (user info) at 2004-09-22 00:50:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Genko (user info) at 2004-09-22 00:06:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Slovin (user info) at 2004-09-21 22:58:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The title errors are due to the fact that the script running the contest parses title names to capitalize the first letter of each word, and due to a human programming error (ahem...), it breaks words not only at spaces, but at apostrophes.
This has happened a few times and it seems to me it would be easy enough to fix...
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2004-09-21 22:30:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Entry 1 was just way too fucking weird NOT to vote for.
Submitted by tammy (user info) at 2004-09-21 22:05:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by engine13 (user info) at 2004-09-21 16:52:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by gibberish (user info) at 2004-09-21 16:11:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm getting really fucking sick of these titles where the last letter of the word is capitalized.
TheY FuckinG SucK.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2004-09-21 16:03:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
So, so close.
I just enjoyed Entry 1 more.
In any other match, I would have voted for Entry 2.
Submitted by satchel (user info) at 2004-09-21 15:55:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Author one - I voted for you *because* of Dan Quayle in the trunk. It was hilarious.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-09-21 15:17:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by treblereel (user info) at 2004-09-21 14:35:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Pringles4eva (user info) at 2004-09-21 14:33:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by rurumon (user info) at 2004-09-21 14:03:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No comment
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2004-09-21 13:38:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by DavyJones (user info) at 2004-09-21 13:32:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Gnome (user info) at 2004-09-21 13:30:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Heimdallsman (user info) at 2004-09-21 12:30:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-09-21 12:13:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I think you people are either stuck-up or crazy! Post 1 was fucking hilarious! I kept picturing Johnny Depp in "Fear and Loathing" as the narrator. The way he was acting was cracking me up, and the image of Dan Quayle (who was obviously still feeling the effects of whatever drugs he'd been given to get him in the trunk) doing random somersalts and rolling about pointlessly on the ground while on fire, not to mention while the narrator refused to throw dirt on him for fear of ruining his nice suit, was priceless.
Sorry, but you're all stupid! Actually, I am not sorry you're all stupid, cause that will make you more docile and easier to control when I finally hatch my plan to take over the world!
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-09-21 12:02:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Post one: Ahh, PCP and the open highway...is there nothing like it?! This reminds me of the weekend I just had.
Post two: Heavy shit...almost pulled it out.
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2004-09-21 11:51:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-09-21 11:37:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2004-09-21 11:35:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by lrw (user info) at 2004-09-21 11:20:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2004-09-21 09:54:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-09-21 09:25:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-09-21 09:23:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2004-09-21 09:02:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-09-21 08:18:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2004-09-21 07:56:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
close...damn.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-09-21 00:46:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice concept.. #1
Submitted by Therighteouswicked (user info) at 2004-09-20 23:53:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2004-09-20 21:14:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
As random as a lampshade on a pilot whale, but I really like submission 1.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2004-09-20 21:05:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by girlreporter (user info) at 2004-09-20 20:55:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by lucid (user info) at 2004-09-20 18:31:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-09-20 18:11:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by tlozoot (user info) at 2004-09-20 17:35:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Entry 1 was pretty good, Entry 2 a struggle.
Submitted by Entry One Author at 2004-09-20 16:34:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is a contest in which the participants are all amateur writers. Not even 1% of the users on Ubersite want to, or will become a credible author. What you expect from competitors, whether it be in Round One or Round Four, shouldn't be literary perfection. You're only setting yourself up for disappointment. Understand that.
Submitted by salmonofdoubt (user info) at 2004-09-20 16:30:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ummm....yea.
Submitted by hyprspacd (user info) at 2004-09-20 16:27:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by runninginplace (user info) at 2004-09-20 16:20:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by ralphmacchio (user info) at 2004-09-20 16:01:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by dodahdave (user info) at 2004-09-20 15:07:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-09-20 15:06:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
...
Submitted by AshyLarry (user info) at 2004-09-20 15:04:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2004-09-20 14:44:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I hated the first one while reading it. The second one, however, was more stereotypical, clichè UM death-for-the-sake-of-shock. I coudn't be more tired of that crap.
Submitted by wazzawazzayo (user info) at 2004-09-20 14:36:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-09-20 14:28:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by redraven (user info) at 2004-09-20 14:26:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-09-20 14:19:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2004-09-20 14:15:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2004-09-20 13:40:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
hoodalally
Submitted by Anjie (user info) at 2004-09-20 13:26:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2004-09-20 13:22:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Entry #1 was a clusterfuck. At least #2 tried for mood and a twist at the end.
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-09-20 13:07:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
#2.
Submitted by omnifica (user info) at 2004-09-20 13:03:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-09-20 12:58:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I liked them both, but I really thought the plot twist of number2 was astounding.
Number 1 was a great random work, I wish both could move on.
Submitted by Azriel (user info) at 2004-09-20 12:51:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2004-09-20 12:46:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
my vote is because I like James.
entry 2 was a good story, but the tie in to the title was poorly done. I couldn't take it seriously.
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2004-09-20 12:43:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This title was wide open, and I didn't really like either of these.
So I flipped a coin. Heads #1, tails #2.
It was heads.
Submitted by Dirtbird (user info) at 2004-09-20 11:53:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by NetProphet (user info) at 2004-09-20 11:45:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Entry two was nice, but one was far too brilliant to lose.
Submitted by Totally_useless (user info) at 2004-09-20 11:45:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-09-20 11:44:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I loved the randomness of 1, and couldn't quite get into 2 even though I suspect it was the better writing.
Submitted by strider (user info) at 2004-09-20 11:21:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
both were pretty good, but I found #1 to be pretty funny.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-09-20 10:29:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
#1 was fucking dreadful.
Submitted by woods39 <woods39.at.yahoo.com> at 2004-09-20 10:27:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Ignore_the_Small_Print (user info) at 2004-09-20 10:21:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by ardubs (user info) at 2004-09-20 10:21:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2004-09-20 10:17:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by Smurfs (user info) at 2004-09-20 10:05:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
2 was too cliche
Submitted by razmataz73 (user info) at 2004-09-20 09:49:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Entry 1 was a damn waste of time.
Submitted by babydoll (user info) at 2004-09-20 09:34:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Id (user info) at 2004-09-20 08:32:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-09-20 08:21:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
both were good
Submitted by bugga (user info) at 2004-09-20 08:06:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Natsukau (user info) at 2004-09-20 05:50:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Jewish women being killed gets my vote everytime.
Submitted by Banga3386 (user info) at 2004-09-20 04:42:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
only post one was any good. I thought it was getting really cool until it was Quayle in the trunk and all the stupid time travel bullshit started. Before the bile started, it had a great setup.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2004-09-20 04:05:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Though I didn't really get entry 1 (i'm a dumbass), I had to vote for it. 2 had a decent idea, but too much use of the passive voice killed it for me. "Entry one was voted for."
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-09-20 03:29:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2004-09-20 03:21:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by triple_optics (user info) at 2004-09-20 03:20:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by steph (user info) at 2004-09-20 03:09:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-09-20 02:50:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Meh.
Submitted by Entry One Author at 2004-09-20 01:03:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Satchel,
Where else do you expect Dan Quayle to be. He's a fucking moron. I didn't clarify that by exposing nearly word for word quotes in my dialogue I used? At least he was killed. Oh wait that puts me on THE LIST!
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2004-09-20 01:00:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by KingHFB (user info) at 2004-09-20 00:56:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
man
they were both so long...
I DONT EVEN KNOW ANYMORE
Submitted by satchel (user info) at 2004-09-20 00:44:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
corn_nugget: I probably should have clarified the blue-eyes comment. It just stood out oddly, like a speedbump. That, and the use of "it's all good" just made me picture a surfer.
With respect to Author #2, that just took me right out of the story, is all. I *did* mention that the writing was not bad. It was pretty decent, in fact. Nice arc to the action, and quite tidily put together.
I enjoyed the story, but it was trumped by the image of Dan Quayle in the trunk of a car.
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2004-09-20 00:43:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2004-09-20 00:12:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by OneCheapGeek (user info) at 2004-09-20 00:00:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by cexshun (user info) at 2004-09-19 23:57:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2004-09-19 23:33:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Natalia_Everitt (user info) at 2004-09-19 23:20:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ah, I wasn't too blown away by either, but I prefer number one.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-09-19 23:05:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2004-09-19 22:56:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Agh. These last minute posts piss me off.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2004-09-19 22:17:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Weird
Submitted by Fabish (user info) at 2004-09-19 22:16:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Slovin, that UberMadness page Rocks!
Submitted by Fabish (user info) at 2004-09-19 22:13:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by The_Walrus (user info) at 2004-09-19 22:11:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by EmptyRobot (user info) at 2004-09-19 22:10:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2004-09-19 22:10:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-09-19 22:08:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-09-19 22:07:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by satchel (user info) at 2004-09-19 21:38:41 (#)
Ranking: 0
Entry 2, your writing wasn't bad, but two things really bugged me:
1. Blue-eyed Arabs?
2. I don't think "It's all good" really translates the way you've used it here - it's an American colloquialism.
_______
My best friends mother has blue eyes- she's lebanese.
My ex-husbands sister has green eyes, and she's syrian/egyption.
My ex husbands brother has blue eyes.
Etc etc etc
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-09-19 22:05:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Slovin (user info) at 2004-09-19 22:02:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"It wasn't until I was sixteen that I found out James was really a female. Personally, I just figured she was born with some birth defects and I just left it at that."
"If you do crash, make sure you kill us both. I don't feel like answering questions all night."
"My hands were already waiting to applaud him."
Wow. This was quite possibly the funniest post I've read thus far.
Entry #2 was also incredibly good, but #1 was just better in my opinion.
Oh, and entry #2 brought the average deaths per matchup from 1.15 to 1.30.
Current body count: 65.
http://tbd.yi.org/umbc.php
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-09-19 22:00:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
So fucking random. I predict a close one, though.
Submitted by Disektor (user info) at 2004-09-19 22:00:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by theres_a_cow_in_my_underpants (user info) at 2004-09-19 21:59:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2004-09-19 21:51:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Meh.
Submitted by PatheticCapitalistFuck (user info) at 2004-09-19 21:49:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Flipped a coin. 1 won.
Submitted by evolydal (user info) at 2004-09-19 21:46:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Spiral_Abraxis (user info) at 2004-09-19 21:43:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by YouLookLikeINeedADrink (user info) at 2004-09-19 21:43:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by hamilton (user info) at 2004-09-19 21:42:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by YELLOW-MAN (user info) at 2004-09-19 21:38:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2004-09-19 21:38:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
zany
Submitted by satchel (user info) at 2004-09-19 21:38:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Entry 2, your writing wasn't bad, but two things really bugged me:
1. Blue-eyed Arabs?
2. I don't think "It's all good" really translates the way you've used it here - it's an American colloquialism.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-09-19 21:37:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2004-09-19 21:37:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2004-09-19 21:36:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by satchel (user info) at 2004-09-19 21:35:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Julia (user info) at 2004-09-19 21:31:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Um. What? For both of you.
Submitted by Trout (user info) at 2004-09-19 21:30:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by daniet (user info) at 2004-09-19 21:29:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by humor_me (user info) at 2004-09-19 21:28:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-09-19 21:24:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2004-09-19 21:23:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment