Slip And Slide (405 hits)
Category: UberMadness! EntryRating: 2 on 1 review (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by sublime <this.is.ross.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-09-19 21:58:13 EDT
This post was an official UberMadness! entry. Click here to view the original matchup.
When I was 8 years old, I had a dangerous fear of public restrooms. The root of the problem was because of baseball, whenever I had to use the bathroom during a baseball game, it was always when our team's cleanup hitter was up and my father made me hurry it up in the vile and wretched stadium stalls. If you ever wanted a sneak peak into what Hell would be like, go into a stadium's bathroom: Everyone faces the wall and everyone keeps their heads down, replace the smell of fire and brimstone for old beer, urine and shit then make it really humid. Ok, I lied, Hell would be more of a dry heat, but you get the idea.
This fear of restrooms came to its climax when we went on a family outing to the water park. Water Parks are cesspools, they are full of little brat assholes who didn't bathe the previous day or week because they knew they were coming to a waterpark which when you are a kid is an all day shower. I was one them, having not taken a bath the previous week, I was as happy as a dirty stinky clam. Upon arrival, I enthralled myself in the wonderous slipping and sliding to be done. There was, that big slide on the left, the smaller ones in the middle, the raft one, those two big drop ones, they all had big scary unimportant names that I won't bother to remember.
Before even considering what slide to go down first, the sight of monstrous waves of water and the serene flowing sound of it all made an alarm on my biological clock set off a bit early: It was pee-pee time. A normal person would have gone right away, but I on the other hand new that I could dance this one off, shake the legs a bit and it would subside. It eventually came back again and it was time to go Michael Flatley on my bladder, but this time I couldn't muster enough man power to get my legs going fast enough to ward off the impending full on penal assault. But amist the chaos, the clouds cleared and bestowed upon me was a moment of clarity: The Wave Pool. I felt like Edison when he invented the telephone or when he discovered touching himself felt good (he has a patent on it).
When I entered the wave pool and did what needed to be done, I felt robbed. Others new of my discovery and were taking advantage of it too. There was nothing that could be done except stand in an enormous puddle of self-pity, sunscreen, chlorine and urine. I also believe there was some water in there too, but not enough worth mentioning.
One would think that would be the extent of my humility in such a dirty place, but no, it went a step further. I had been waiting in line holding a tube for this big slide. I was filled to the brim with anticipation, the sense of sliding down that immesureable distance while only being restrained was overwhelming. That is until another sensation became even more overwhelming, I thought I could tame it with dance moves matched only by Sir Bill Cosby and Fred Astaire combined, but alas, none would suffice, and it came. I dropped my tube and started to walk away casually towards the washroom when someone stopped me, "Are you going to leave that tube?", he asked. I stood in shame and replied, "Uhhhhhhhhh I gotta go, you take it". Then I ran all the way down the wood stairs, across the concrete inferno, past the hairy shirtless man, around bronze lifeguard, into the bathroom, into the stall. I sat down and began to contemplate the look on the face of the man who saw what I had done and I wondered, "Did he stick around after he saw the turd I laid beside that tube?". I bet not.
Number of men afraid of waterparks:
- Me
- Johnny McTubeStealer
Step Back.
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Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2005-01-16 12:23:34 EST (#)
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