Snakebite and Green Aftershock (1092 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 2 on 25 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by nakedguitarist (View user info) at 2004-09-20 02:14:30 EDT
Just before Christmas there had been elections within my halls of residence for President, and for one of two Vice Presidents (services and finance). It so happened that Jon, the little shy cockney guy whom I met on the first night out of freshers had been elected President. It was now his job to find two people suitable to be the Vice Presidents, and that search would ultimately lead to me.
He came to my flat and rang the dodgy doorbell which I had promised to fix but instead had drawn a face on with tippex. Who answers but me. Straight back from the pub. An all day binge of snakebite and black with liberal dashes of Time Crisis and pool. I looked like I'd come out of a hot bath on a cold day. I was steaming with booze. You could probably see the cartoon stench lines above my bleary-eyed mask of alcohol horror.
He politely declined my offer of the prospect of getting "mashed 'til we can't see". Instead he asked me if I wanted to run in the mini-elections. Well why the fuck not? As far as I could accert at this moment in time, I was the prime canditate for vice president of finance. I'm doing electronic engineering, I can do maths. I am God right now. Give me the job before I smite you down with my plague of bile encrusted vomit.
But no! There are these things called elections. My shaky thoughts weren't up for politics so I just asked him to put me down on the list and I'd see him later. God bless the little guy, he realised I was wasted and may have unintentionally put my name down for something I didn't want to do. So he came round the next day around the same time.
Again, I was wasted. Again I wanted him to put me down for the job. Fair enough, I'm still drunk, so he decided to pop round 3 more times to see if I was sure. Each and every time with disturbing clockwork accuracy, I was magically fucked out of my brain. In 5 consectutive days I had managed to drink around the order of 60 pints of snakebite. Each night bringing more and more adventures and more and more useless articles "found" on the way home.
Unsuprisingly I had completely forgotten about the whole messy incident until Jon rang me up with news that the election was now and telling me that if I wanted to get voted, I'd have to get out and tell people I was running. It was 6 o' clock and the Simpsons was on BBC2 so fuck that for half an hour, but then when it had finished, I got the urge to get out there and win. I really did, and felt quite strongly about it.
I whipped all my flatmates into shape to go to the laundrette to vote and then spoke to the girls I'd met in freshers (who I'm now all living with) to shift their lazy arses and vote for me. They did just that, in fact they got their friends to vote for me as well. At the end of it all I had won by a 9 vote "landslide". I was now the new Vice President of Finance, and with this came new responsibilities and new challenges. I was going to have to change my act if I wanted to get anywhere, so naturally I went out and got shitfaced.
I'll skip out "The Vodka Night" and save that for another post, but this new job entaled a LOT of meetings, whether they'd be in the halls themselves or at the Guild of Students, there were a lot of fairly pointless meetings. Except there was this one meeting. This very special meeting indeed, and it was set up to be one of the most important of that year. There was one simple problem they had left out; I was instantly invited, and I had been drinking ALL day.
The day had started like any other, I had a lab in the morning and then lectures all afternoon. Chris was my lab partner, and as we both stumbled in hungover and saw the work we had to do we knew what was coming. Joe's (the Guild bar) opened at 12. It was 11:10. Adamant nothing was going to get done, we had a well earned break for half an hour.
Hmmm. 11:40. Fuck it. Lets just go down there and wait. That is what it came to. Waiting on seats for the first pint of the day. Shocking, so truly shocking and yet I'm secretly proud.
We drink away for a while until Seb comes into uni and meets us at the bar. At the this point lectures are a big no-no, today has been blessed as a fest of alcohol and nic-nacs.
The day passes quite merrily until I remember the big important meeting. Uh-oh.
Seb knew I had the meeting. Seb fucking knew about it. Thats why after Chris had gone, he came back with a different round. Snakebite and Green Aftershock.
I knew it was going to go all downhill from here. I was right. So very very right.
Alas, fate is fate after all, who am I to try and stop it. Let's get shitfaced.
A couple of hours later I have a become a moving brewery. I am walking like a crab and talking like a finnish mule when Jon finds me in "a bit of a state". However I put his mind at ease by telling him Seb is going to come to the meeting as well. But not before we get another round.
As we walk into the meeting room, faces are instantly drawn to our party. Everyone else has coke. Everyone else is sober. Well, I'm not one for conformity, or soft drinks. I have alcohol and I am drunk.
However it seems that we probably shouldn't bring too much attention to ourselves but it wasn't going to quite happen like that. As soon as I walk to my seat I spill half my pint (with the aftershock in it) all over Sebs seat. Good ol' Seb does't mind because he's wasted and just sits down. People are staring at us as if a two foot high George Best has crawled out of my arse and done a magic trick with my penis.
The meeting hesitantly starts and the proceedings get underway. Understandably I have not a fucking clue of what is going on. Apparantly, I suddenly stand up after an hour and walk out leaving Seb. This I do not remember. Suddenly I am mysteriously warped to my department where I believe that sitting on cold concrete wearing a t-shirt on a cold January night will do me all the good in the world.
At sometime in my binge induced catnap, someone asks me if I'm ok. Yeaaaah. I'm fine mate. Am. Am just sleeping.
Next thing I know I am rudely awoken my the University Police. They demand my card number, register it somewhere and ask me if I'm ok to walk home. Ok to walk home? Ofcourse I am you fucking cunt. Right after I've been sick.
I lean against a pillar with all my might and begin to voraciously blow chunks. Let me tell you something about snakebite and black. Snakebite when drunk in sufficient quantities give what we like to call "the Snakebite Smile". Your tongue and lips are stained by the blackcurrant cordial, and so, is your stomach.
It looked like Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen had painted my stomach contents a delightful fuschia pink. I am afraid to say it but this was psychadelic yodelling at its very best. All over my Department.
The guy said it would be irresponsibe to let me walk home after such an impressive display of human pyrotechnics, so I ended getting back to my flat thanks to the Uni police. The next day I waited shakily outside in the bitter morning air looking like a bag of boiled shite, staring at my very own Jackson Pollock, watching people avoid it in disgust.
To this day, there still remains a purple stain on the department walls. And I am proud.
User Reviews
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-08-26 02:45:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
More people should read this.
I'm just happy it's in my recent reviewed, I think I'll keep it there for a while.
I wonder if the author is Irish. I read it with an Irish accent - don't know why.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-08-23 01:33:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Truly brilliant.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-08-23 01:25:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"You could probably see the cartoon stench lines above my bleary-eyed mask of alcohol horror."
um... wow.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-08-23 01:05:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-03-04 07:50:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Only 3 of the 120 reviews you have ever received have been anything other than +2s.
They were +1s.
Submitted by engine13 (user info) at 2004-09-25 19:22:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah the joys of college drinking. Your writing is funny shit, and incredibly coherent for someone who is drunk all the time.
Now I'm off to read of the Vodka tales. Vodka is a dangerous mistress indeed.
Submitted by nakedguitarist (user info) at 2004-09-25 06:35:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Aha!! There is more!!!
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2004-09-22 15:11:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
More!!!
Submitted by nakedguitarist (user info) at 2004-09-22 10:52:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ARGH! There's more coming I swear. Even though at the moment I am deplorably hungover. That's what happens when you decide to drink "Vodka Tea" after the best part of a crate of fosters.
Despite feeling like shit I will do my best to post something tomorrow...... my fucking head...
Submitted by Uber. (user info) at 2004-09-21 09:25:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I demand more NakedGuitarist episodes. Hangover is not a good enough excuse :D
Uber.
Submitted by Spider-Man (user info) at 2004-09-20 14:47:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
a good read
Submitted by zxcvvcxz (user info) at 2004-09-20 11:52:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
excellent.
Submitted by Julia (user info) at 2004-09-20 11:20:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"You could probably see the cartoon stench lines above my bleary-eyed mask of alcohol horror." That and the penis trick.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2004-09-20 11:08:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good times, good times.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-09-20 11:00:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
get help alki
Submitted by Uber. (user info) at 2004-09-20 06:59:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good, good, I'll be checking once we get back online in the house.
Uber. :)
Submitted by nakedguitarist (user info) at 2004-09-20 06:47:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
fuck yeah i'll be returning! i've written up a good number of my many adventures and playful drunken gestures. it'll just be finding the time to get on the internet. i will prevail.
Submitted by Uber. (user info) at 2004-09-20 06:39:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahhh, I'm back to uni this week, can't wait.
"People are staring at us as if a two foot high George Best has crawled out of my arse and done a magic trick with my penis." - This made me laugh for 9 minutes.
Another quality post, please continue this when you're back at uni (that's if you're returning).
Uber.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-09-20 05:57:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1.97 average review score? Fuck. Great stuff, this post is just as good as your others. Long may this glorious streak continue.
Submitted by nakedguitarist (user info) at 2004-09-20 05:29:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
if i wasn't worried about the flak i'd get for putting more than one post in a day, i'd put some more up. but i guess was obvious. fuck. i have so much to tell. so little time.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-09-20 05:21:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have been quismoted!
Submitted by seanfogy (user info) at 2004-09-20 05:15:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-09-20 04:46:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
Just waiting for the likes of fetish to refuse to understand some of the words and minus 2.
Green aftershock.
+2 for gigantic cocks.
-------------------
what?
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2004-09-20 05:13:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yay for you.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-09-20 04:46:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just waiting for the likes of fetish to refuse to understand some of the words and minus 2.
Ignorant cocks.
+2 for green aftershock.
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2004-09-20 03:28:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
He politely declined my offer of the prospect of getting "mashed 'til we can't see". Haha.
Plus-fookin'-two.
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2004-09-20 02:15:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
red aftershock shots are nooooooooicccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccce.