My new religion (men only) (871 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 0.43 on 10 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by toddska <> (View user info) at 2004-09-20 09:58:39 EDT
My brother emailed the other day with the news that he was intending to move in with his new girlfriend. I knew that there were a number of responses to his email. I could do the polite response and offer congratulations or I could do the casual indifferent approach and say "Cool bro whatever".
However being that this was his fourth attempt at domestic bliss and that I am in the death-throes of my fifth such live-in arrangement (for someone who it has been financially viable to do so for only 10 years this is a fairly unremarkable track-record).....I thought long and hard about my reply.
I was unsure if he was asking advice. To be honest I was damn sure he wasn't after any advice at all. He was simply letting me know. In my wisdom I decided to proffer it anyway. This is what I wrote to him in a blinding flash of something....arrogance perhaps?
Disclaimer<
If I appear arrogant it is because I am and have decided that whether this is construed as a personality disorder is purely a matter of taste.
If I appear misogynist it is because I am and life has taught me that humanity is not one egalitarian species. We are two and women deep down know that, biologically speaking, men should be superfluous. We are an evolutionary anomaly.
>
Background<
I work in Ireland, live in Manchester UK at the weekends and come from New Zealand (which isn't fucking Australia by the way). My brother lives in New Zealand.
>
Hi again,
Sounds like you are having a good time...moving in with a girl again although that cant be helped. We like to live with them then cant wait to not live with them. It's the delicious vicious circle that.
I personally feel like I need to stay here another couple of years as I have rarely been bored here since the day I landed at Heathrow. I cant honestly say the same about NZ. I was bored sh*less there. No doubt I will want to come home sometime but it seems a long way off at the moment. Have some pretty good mates and a fairly decent and diverse social life here.
As far as the Irish "slappers" go, as you so eloquently put it? Well the Irish girls are fairly uptight about the casual sex thing unless out of the country then they fuck like rabbits with only 10 hours to live.
They want to get the bloke on the plan as soon as possible. They love a good marriage here and cant wait to pump out the babies. For me this isn't a problem as I have a girlfriend back in Manchester. I time my ejaculations with military precision and contrary to opinion I am actually faithful to her sexually.
She has her head in the right place most of the time. Ultimately like all women she is mental and illogically full of all the moral hypocrisies that seem to be a part of every woman you meet and know. They twist morality like a coil of thread round their fingers. Us guys tend to take the simpler approach and stretch the thread into a straight line. When we do this they see us a mile away and can argue any point to death. When backed into a corner with our logic, they start twisting the thread further until we no longer see the point.
I have learned to argue like a chick now. Try it. It's a lot of fun once you learn the "dark" art of the whiney chick argument nuance. The trick is to have a good memory as they are counting on you not having one at all. Just remember a few conversations when they have said something controversial and bring it up during any and all key arguments in the future. And don't forget to be whiney.
Once you have mastered the art of "whiney chick" arguing you will rule the roost like a bitch with a penis. They will be dumbfounded and amazed at your skill of at once seeming like a woman yet being able to conjure an erection at a moments notice. This is the most fun I have had in years. Also I have found that having days when you are brutally honest then vacillating between this and days of extreme smarminess has them well-fucked. They don't ever have time to be complacent with these two diamond techniques.
With these tools at my disposal I rule like Henry the Eighth with a bad attitude. I also encapsulate my entire relationship perspective with his "off with their head" rule. And if that doesn't work then his 'lets start a new religion and be honest about our intentions' rule.
I have started such a religion in Manchester actually. I call it the cult of honesty and I fucking rule. I even have some disciples now who listen to me like I was Jim Jones. I am leading them and their relationships into the jungle and they will never leave alive.
Brutal honesty coupled with a finely tuned sense of cynicism, mixed with an extensive reading background about virtually anything and everything means I can argue with every asshole who dares to venture into my chosen topic area. If you thought I was a bastard before I am now the Uber-bastard. For some reason my disciples continue to listen. Sometimes this scares me. Although not much. For now I am running with the ball in hand.
With these notes I will leave you to it. Thought I would give you a little insight into my new religion. The religion of ME-ness. Don't let anyone make you think the alternative to YOU-ness is better because it isn't. Everyone shits and wipes their own arse and to be perfectly honest most people are as dumb as fuck despite appearances to the contrary.
Scratch the surface and most of the human population are faking it. Fear no-one and nothing except marriage...and finally get drunk at least once a week in all and every circumstance you find yourself in. I am assuming though that you have never deviated from that particular rule.
Keep cool and say hello to your girlfriend from me.
Toddska
User Reviews
Submitted by toddska (user info) at 2004-09-21 08:12:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2004-09-20 14:18:35 (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff man. I am planning on visiting Ireland next summer or buying a bunch of drugs and driving out west and doing some hiking.
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Come to Ireland specifically Dublin....bring lots of cash and the drugs you were on about
Submitted by Spider-Man (user info) at 2004-09-20 15:14:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have no religion other than protecting the purses of women everywhere.
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2004-09-20 14:18:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff man. I am planning on visiting Ireland next summer or buying a bunch of drugs and driving out west and doing some hiking.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-09-20 13:19:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
american girl vs. sheep
american girl: fat. sheep: fat.
american girl: dressed like a slut. sheep: modest attire.
american girl: produces headaches and disgust. sheep: produces a broad range of useful products including milk, wool, lambskin, and meat.
american girl: thinks the world owes her everything. sheep: content with a patch of grass.
american girl: can talk. sheep: can't talk.
amercian girl: smells like burger king. sheep: smells like sheep.
american girl: "hello police, my boyfriend just hit me in the face with my ceramic Oprah statue!" sheep: "baahhh."
i think you got the better end of the deal. m8.
Submitted by toddska (user info) at 2004-09-20 12:47:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by trees (user info) at 2004-09-20 12:24:34 (#)
Ranking: 0
this makes a lot more sense if you understand that in new zealand, when they say girl/woman they mean female sheep.
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....haha...and i bet you're the sort of asshole that goes there for sex holidays with this in mind.
Submitted by trees (user info) at 2004-09-20 12:24:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
this makes a lot more sense if you understand that in new zealand, when they say girl/woman they mean female sheep.
Submitted by Gnome (user info) at 2004-09-20 11:30:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
it was ok
Submitted by Fleadh (user info) at 2004-09-20 10:24:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I cant understand (or care about) anything you wrote in that letter, Its just an incoherent ramble.
Submitted by snackdrag (user info) at 2004-09-20 10:24:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ah, that felt good. it was like watching myself type with a crappy australian accent. but the basic points were all there.
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-09-20 10:12:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Eh.
Ah, sweet pity: where would my love life have been without it?
-- Homer Simpson
I Love Lisa