Chronicles of An Office Terrorist (818 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.92 on 15 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by calbearspolo (View user info) at 2004-09-20 13:20:15 EDT
work in corporate America.
More specifically, I work for a bank. 'Which one?' You ask. I'm not here to name names, but it proudly features a stagecoach with horses and every TV commercial it airs concludes with a guy shouting "HeAAWWWW" and whipping one of the horses while the tagline 'The Next Stage' is emblazon across the screen. Yes, that one. It rhymes with Sells Cargo.
I don't like my job all that much these days. It's not the work or the long hours, I actually enjoy some of that, it's how much the corporate environment hamstrings its workers. To send a fax, you must use a certain cover page. In order to properly certify that I can open, close, and maneuver through a window's application on my computer, I have to (wait for it...) take a online training course that requires me to perform all of those functions anyway. There is nothing more insulting than a tutorial about how to use your mouse buttons correctly, that you had to click on in the first place.
Because this is such a big company, nothing is left under the control of the mindless peons (me) who work at the lower levels. Today's frustration? I can't change the clock, on my desk, to the correct time.
Every phone in the office has a digital clock on the LCD display. It's a rather common feature to office phones. The problem? My clock has the wrong time displayed. You would think this would be an easy fix, just type in the correct time and be on your merry knowing-the-proper-time way. Not so. To access the main call terminal in the office, you need a manager's key. I am not a manager, so I must ask for said key in order to get to the computer. The computer has a password protection that only 'Computing Resources" has the password. I call them to get it, so I can get into the terminal and change the time for my station's display, but they can't give it to me over the phone--that would be a breach of internal security.
What they can do is open a work order to access the terminal remotely and try to input the correct time from their computer server, which is located in Des Moines. The work order will be processed in 24-48 hours.
Two days later, the work order finally goes through, success! The remote entry has worked! The inform me that it will take about 24 hours for the system to reset and update my time. The next day, I look at my clock...
Set to the current time... In Des Moines. I am in San Francisco.
After three days of trying to get this small problem fixed, it's still wrong. Small moments like this leave me scratching my head, wondering where the wisdom is in not empowering your workers to take care of trivial matters like this. I understand not allowing me source code access to certain programs, so I don't screw up the banks software bundle, but when it takes three days, 2.5 man-hours of work, six phone calls, and a pair of 'supervisors' to set a damn clock... Incorrectly, something's not right.
*******
I have given up trying to be reasonable. I know I am not a lovely and unique snowflake, but I am not a retarded gorilla with a trombone either. I constantly find myself humming the theme song to "Mission Impossible" as I repeatedly attempt to foil the email server and fax systems here in the office. It's not that I have to do it for any reason, it just makes me feel like I am sneaky and productive in spite of my employer.
The other day, the company that supplies the coffee maker delivered powdered sugar instead of traditional granulated. Powdered sugar is not nearly as effective at making decent coffee. So what do I do? I write, in crayon, on a white envelope and put a teaspoon of the powdered sugar inside and leave it next to the copier.
I have constructed elaborate paperclip chains in the possible even I need to set-up complex trip wires outside my cubicle.
I randomly insert pictures of a horse's butt into the copier's feed tray, so every once in a while someone gets a rather startling reproduction of their always critical material.
I'm just trying to stay sane.
User Reviews
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2004-09-27 14:52:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I know I am not a lovely and unique snowflake, but I am not a retarded gorilla with a trombone either. heheh, and +2 for recognizing a c.1995 Plake poster in the background of my post!
Submitted by ajanssen (user info) at 2004-09-20 16:32:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It is much more effective to instead focus on screwing over customers and unstable employees. Please see http://www.ubersite.com/m/43049
I am The Corporate Asshole
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-09-20 15:28:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this is oh so typical
I have administrative rights to my computer here, but I didn't at my old job. I think eventually I just put a piece of tape over the time in the corner of the screen since it seemed to be rather random. I really loved it when I would call tech support and tell them what they were going to need to do to fix the problem that I could very easily fix if I had administrative access.
Just think of the increases in productivity this type of thing causes.
You know, I realize that most people out there are idiots and all, but it looks like it would be easier on them to give us some sort of test and if we pass it woo hoo we get to change our own screen savers.
Oh got to run, the new programs that may or may not contain viruses have finally downloaded. I'm off to install them now.
Submitted by mr.awesome (user info) at 2004-09-20 15:20:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2004-09-20 14:26:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I feel ya man. I feel ya.
Submitted by NetProphet (user info) at 2004-09-20 14:19:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Martha Stewart is polishing the brass on the Titanic, man... it's all going down!
Submitted by Evil_Morg (user info) at 2004-09-20 14:02:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
start small, then work your way up to flying a plane into your office.
its the only way.
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2004-09-20 13:47:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, my computer clock says 1:48 but the phone says 1:47 and my cell phone says 1:46 and my watch says 1:45. I can only change two of them myself. I usually leave when the first clock strikes 5:00.
Submitted by DamienX (user info) at 2004-09-20 13:46:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can sympathize.
There's a fine line between therapeutic and insane.
I used to spend alot of time sitting at peoples desks,
mostly doing trivial things like undeleting links on
their desktops or documents that "just disappeared",
as well as killing time by linking all their paperclips
together and putting them back in the magnetic paperclip
garden, or removing all the ink from the pens in their desk.
Just be careful when you change the times of appointments
they've scribbled on their desk calandar, you could unwittingly
bring about the downfall of civilization as we've known it, but
then one day you'll look back and laugh...
Submitted by calbearspolo (user info) at 2004-09-20 13:45:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I wish I could edit this, go back and include the "I" as the first word that didn't copy over from Word when I transfered this. It's bugging the poop outa me.
'I work in C.A.' makes so much more sense.
Submitted by trees <trees.at.notmail.com> at 2004-09-20 13:39:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I AM NOT MY FUCKING KHAKIS!
+2 for fight club
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2004-09-20 13:36:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i can relate to this story whole heartedly!
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-09-20 13:32:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I find icarus1987's reply to be comforting because I can rely.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2004-09-20 13:27:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And the BEST part is that all the decisions are made by a guy with a power tie and a zen garden on his desk. And organizational charts. All executive level blighters seem to think that problems can be solved using organizational charts.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-09-20 13:25:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The best way to rebel against the corporate is just doing nothing.
I've been surfing the web for months, doing fuck all and suprisingly, my work is a lot more appreciated than before since I never get my hands dirty by taking no responsability.