Greetings! (1319 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 0.57 on 60 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Spider-Man (View user info) at 2004-09-20 15:02:50 EDT
My name is Spider-Man but others know me as Peter Parker. Fuck. Forget I told you that.
Anyway, I bang Kirsten Dunst on an hourly basis. She can suck a mean Spider-cock.
Feel free to ask me any questions and I shall answer them. However do not ask me what my true identity is because I'll never tell you that shit. If my enemies ever find out about my other life as a college student/photographer, they'll kill my ugly aunt. Who'll kill her you may ask? Death will kill her. With great amounts of cheese comes great constipation. My uncle always told me shit like that. Then I hired a guy to kill him. RIP.
Without further ado, here's a picture of myself. Like I said, feel free to ask questions and I'll try to answer them. Excelsior!
User Reviews
Submitted by AndyD (user info) at 2004-09-28 09:32:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"If you know anything about me, you know that I do alot of flips. Every time I do a backflip or something, the crap in my tights gets spread out, so even if I take a monster dump, it sifts through my whole suit evenly when I do crazy mid air moves"
Does this layer of evenly spread spidey-shit act as a protective layer against your enemies in any way? Can you give an example of when it has come in useful in your daily fight against evildoing?
Submitted by Spider-Man (user info) at 2004-09-27 20:08:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Fegg, to answer your question: Maybe.
Submitted by drfeggphd (user info) at 2004-09-27 17:31:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, I know Spider-Man doesn't actually fly (technically speaking), but...
I was writing a piece recently (DMPLI) and a mockingbird flew up to the
holly bush outside my office window. It then fluttered around and kind of
knocked on the window so I would notice. It then looked at me with something
resembling intense hostility, or at least intensity. (I must mention for
clarity that I've had some problems with mockingbirds in the past, and have
killed a few because of the almost freakishly loud, incessant singing. I know,
I know--it's an awful thing and I hate to admit it, but what's done is done...)
So, being in the state of mind you might expect, I opened myself somewhat and--
well, um, okay--I had a telepathic communion experience with this mockingbird,
in which I apologized for what I'd done, and asked (and received) its forgivness.
In turn, I forgave it and all mockingbirds for bothering me in the past (and,
presumably, the future also, this last which I can only hope I do not regret).
I wished it well, and for peace between us; at this point it flew off in what
seemed a contented manner. So far, there have been no further incidents with it.
A few days later, the same thing happened with a baby rabbit that is apparently
orphaned and living under the deck where the groundhogs used to live (except that
the conversation was not nearly as interesting, presumably due to its size).
I need to know whether the quite similar experience involving what I think may
possibly be some kind of insect larvae is a related phenomenon, or if the giant
spiders that only come out at night will eventually take care of that situation.
So, my question is: if I really want a Tequila Mockingbird but don't have any
Creme de Menthe, is it acceptable to substitute absinthe? I will be having some
leftover lasagne for dinner, in case that helps. Also, it's my Birthday today,
but no rush on this--I probably have a few Unbirthdays coming up. Thanks,
FEGG'S BRAIN: You're just going to end it like that?
FEGG: Why not? Who knows web-stuff better than Spider-Man?
FEGG'S BRAIN: What does this have to do with web-stuff?
FEGG: Well, that's why I explained about the spiders!
FEGG'S BRAIN: Why don't you reconsider this, have a shot of Don Julio 1942 instead?
FEGG: Shots! Excellent idea! But wait--does tequila even go with lasagne?
FEGG'S BRAIN: Let's ask Spider-Man!
FEGG: You're on a roll! Now we have a plan...
You know what, S-Man, check that. I just need to know if tequila goes with lasagne,
and something tells me I need to know ASAP. It's probably a hard one, so here's +2....
Submitted by Stable Joe at 2004-09-21 22:55:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pictures!
Submitted by Spider-Man (user info) at 2004-09-21 16:55:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hand wash only.
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2004-09-21 05:48:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Is your spidey suit machine washable? If so, is it colour fast?
Submitted by Spider-Man (user info) at 2004-09-21 05:34:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Defined Joe at 2004-09-21 01:06:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
How tight is kirsten?
Words can't even describe. Wait they can. She's FUCKING tight. Damn, my Spider-cock is tingling just thinking about her bod.
And just how good is the sex, and how does she like it?
Words can't even describe. Wait they can. The sex is better than heaven. Picture this: Spider-Man fucking Kirsten Dunst. That's right. Mainly in her lovely bajiner but sometimes if I'm frisky I'll tap that ass.
Submitted by Defined Joe at 2004-09-21 01:06:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How tight is kirsten?
And just how good is the sex, and how does she like it?
Submitted by Spider-Man (user info) at 2004-09-21 00:57:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Don't cyber-wink at me you weird bitch. Questions only.
Submitted by honeycake (user info) at 2004-09-20 23:06:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
;)
Submitted by Spider-Man (user info) at 2004-09-20 20:47:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'd probably just screw his mom. If I was extra pissed off that day I'd web him to the bottom of an 18-wheeler and see how much he likes the ride.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-09-20 20:43:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What would you do if some little kid walked up to you and kicked you in the shins?
Submitted by Spider-Man (user info) at 2004-09-20 20:01:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by KoolMang (user info) at 2004-09-20 19:46:05 (#)
Ranking: 0
SPIDEY! FOLLOW UP QUESTION!
Did Kirsten Dunst's first gynecological exam perform like a rape? What would you do if you found out that a doctor tore your love up with metal tools?
If the doctor knew it was Kirsten Dunst, I'm pretty sure he would perform it like a rape. If I found out he destroyed her with his vaginal tools of gynecology, I'd web him to the subway tracks. I'd probably film it and put it on the internet. I do that sometimes. Actually I do that a lot. There was this one time where I kidnapped someone's baby and hung it from a light post with my web and swung it around as fast as possible and sold the video to some site and made a load of money.
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Submitted by JonnyBoy (user info) at 2004-09-20 18:45:44 (#)
Ranking: 0
Did you ever find out about that night with me and your mom?
Oh, shit... maybe I shouldn't have asked...
Like hell you shouldnt have asked, asshole. My mothers fucking dead. That's why I live with my aunt. Fucking shithead. Tonight you're gonna hear a tapping at your window. Open it when you hear it because that's me and I'm gonna web your nuts and yank em off, bitch.
Submitted by KoolMang (user info) at 2004-09-20 19:46:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
SPIDEY! FOLLOW UP QUESTION!
Did Kirsten Dunst's first gynecological exam perform like a rape? What would you do if you found out that a doctor tore your love up with metal tools?
Submitted by JonnyBoy (user info) at 2004-09-20 18:45:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Did you ever find out about that night with me and your mom?
Oh, shit... maybe I shouldn't have asked...
Submitted by Spider-Man (user info) at 2004-09-20 18:44:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No, I can't say I do, Joe.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-09-20 18:35:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Do u take it in the ass
Submitted by Spider-Man (user info) at 2004-09-20 18:14:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well I have a Kirsten Fetish.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish <I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish> at 2004-09-20 17:26:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish
Submitted by Spider-Man (user info) at 2004-09-20 17:24:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
An interesting question. I would never ever steal cash from a citizen's purse that I'm returning for them just because I think I did a good deed. I only take check books, debit cards, and credit cards.
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2004-09-20 17:08:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
After you get back a woman's purse that was stolen by some crook, do you take out a little money for you hardwork?
Submitted by Spider-Man (user info) at 2004-09-20 16:30:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Don't be hatin.
Submitted by Totally_useless (user info) at 2004-09-20 16:29:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Fuckin' camwhore...
Submitted by Spider-Man (user info) at 2004-09-20 16:21:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Ok...but doesn't that get in the way when you are fighting?
One would think, pants full of poop would be irritating when
fighting off villains and ridding the world of evil doers."
If you know anything about me, you know that I do alot of flips. Every time I do a backflip or something, the crap in my tights gets spread out, so even if I take a monster dump, it sifts through my whole suit evenly when I do crazy mid air moves.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2004-09-20 16:16:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Spider-Man (user info) at 2004-09-20 16:13:28 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2004-09-20 16:10:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
How do you go the bathroom in your spidy suit?
I already answered this but, I just shit in it. Even if I'm swinging around, I just let it free if I feel the need. Think about it this way, if you were fighting the Lizard and you needed to dump, would you just run off looking for a toilet? No. Just go in your suit and hand wash it later.
Ok...but doesn't that get in the way when you are fighting?
One would think, pants full of poop would be irritating when
fighting off villains and ridding the world of evil doers.
Submitted by Spider-Man (user info) at 2004-09-20 16:13:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2004-09-20 16:10:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
How do you go the bathroom in your spidy suit?
I already answered this but, I just shit in it. Even if I'm swinging around, I just let it free if I feel the need. Think about it this way, if you were fighting the Lizard and you needed to dump, would you just run off looking for a toilet? No. Just go in your suit and hand wash it later.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2004-09-20 16:10:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How do you go the bathroom in your spidy suit?
Submitted by Spider-Man (user info) at 2004-09-20 16:08:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2004-09-20 16:06:42 (#)
Ranking: 0
Onions and shit huh ? Correct.
Couldn't I just get a big mac ? If you're that kind of guy. I'm more a whopper man myself.
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2004-09-20 16:06:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Onions and shit huh ?
Couldn't I just get a big mac ?
Submitted by Spider-Man (user info) at 2004-09-20 16:05:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Check that, multiplied by itself*
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2004-09-20 16:04:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
DAMN SPIDEY....
Youz a smart muddafukka!
Submitted by Spider-Man (user info) at 2004-09-20 16:03:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The answer is the number that is multiplied twice that equals 57842144596635217845.5848752.
Submitted by Spider-Man (user info) at 2004-09-20 16:01:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by fell-8-me (user info) at 2004-09-20 15:58:10 (#)
Ranking: 1
Wouldn't it be cool for you to have sex with a Black Widow spider... and then kill HER? You see what I'm getting at, sort of turning the tables?
I see what you're getting at, but there is only one woman in my life and she is human.
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Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2004-09-20 15:56:48 (#)
Ranking: -1
Are you kidding me?
No.
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Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-09-20 15:56:23 (#)
Ranking: 0
Do you not have anything better to do but talk to a bunch of geeks?
Today's my day off. But tomorrow, New York will once again be my playground. I call it my playground because I can look in windows of skyscrapers and spy on women dressing.
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Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2004-09-20 15:56:22 (#)
Ranking: 0
What if my dog doesn't HAVE a vagina ?
Then just take a shit, and sprinkle onion shavings on it, and then find a dead rat, shave it, oil it up in pig fat, then mix it with your oniony shit and you have what my shit smells like.
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2004-09-20 16:01:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok... 1 last question.
What is the square root of 57842144596635217845.5848752 ??
???
Submitted by fell-8-me (user info) at 2004-09-20 15:58:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Wouldn't it be cool for you to have sex with a Black Widow spider... and then kill HER? You see what I'm getting at, sort of turning the tables?
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2004-09-20 15:56:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-09-20 15:56:23 (#)
Ranking: 0
Do you not have anything better to do but talk to a bunch of geeks?
---------------------------
Yea... like THIS FUCKTARD?
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2004-09-20 15:56:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Are you kidding me?
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-09-20 15:56:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Do you not have anything better to do but talk to a bunch of geeks?
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2004-09-20 15:56:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What if my dog doesn't HAVE a vagina ?
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2004-09-20 15:55:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What if my dog doesn't HAVE a vagina?
Submitted by Spider-Man (user info) at 2004-09-20 15:54:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No I'm not Janet Reno. As far as I know.
Submitted by Spider-Man (user info) at 2004-09-20 15:53:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I am no average joe, I am a super hero.
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2004-09-20 15:53:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Are you Janet Reno ?
Submitted by fell-8-me (user info) at 2004-09-20 15:51:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Ok you won't reveal your true identity, but can we guess another of your Uber-identities?
Are you JoeAverage?
Submitted by Spider-Man (user info) at 2004-09-20 15:50:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
1. Again another question asked by many. Yes I do shit. I shit about 2 times a day on average.
2. It sort of smells like...uhh. Have you ever smelled a dog's vagina after you had just fed them a pound of ecstasy? Well it smells like that plus onions.
3. No it doesn't. If I have to go while I'm on the job, I just let it out. It runs down my legs and leaks but that's just another honor that goes along with being a super hero.
Submitted by Schwarzes_Glas (user info) at 2004-09-20 15:49:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"Fuck. Forget I told you that"
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2004-09-20 15:45:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Does spiderman shit ?
What's it smell like ?
Does the leotard have a trap door in the back for these purposes ?
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-09-20 15:40:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was so terrible, it's good!
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2004-09-20 15:39:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHHAHHAHA
'
YOu Rock Spidey dude!
Submitted by Spider-Man (user info) at 2004-09-20 15:39:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Koolmang, if you mean Kirsten Dunst, then yes she was. She used to live next door to me and I'd spy on her father touching her cooch. I even filmed it once and put it on the internet. One time I snuck in through the window to steal some money from the pantry and I caught Kirsten riding her dad. Boy, was I red!
Submitted by Spider-Man (user info) at 2004-09-20 15:36:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Alot of people have asked me that very same question over the years. I can in fact shoot web out of my penis. I don't practice it often. There was this one time when I was destroying Kirsten Dunst's asshole with my Spider-cock and I accidentally shot a load of web into her rectum. It was hard to explain to the medics why there was tons of gooey web inside her ass. I eventually had surgery to try and get rid of the web ducts that produced it inside my balls. Embarrassing.
Submitted by KoolMang (user info) at 2004-09-20 15:35:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Was Mary-Jane sexually abused in any way by her drunk of a father?
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2004-09-20 15:33:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Can you shoot webs out of your pee hole ?
Submitted by Spider-Man (user info) at 2004-09-20 15:32:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
C'mon people. Questions. Anything you ever wanted to ask Spider-Man, you can ask now. Thrice in a lifetime opportunity.
Submitted by Spider-Man (user info) at 2004-09-20 15:18:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Everything you ever wanted to know about shitfuck
User id: 6479
DIE YOU FUCKING GUY WHO REGISTERED 6 MONTHS BEFORE ME!
I applause your username though. I both shit and I fuck so I can totally relate to it.
Submitted by Spider-Man (user info) at 2004-09-20 15:16:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
HAH! I cannot die. I am Spider-Man. If I were to die, New York would be overrun with criminals and people would be killed, raped, and robbed daily. Wait...
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-09-20 15:13:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Everything you ever wanted to know about Spider-Man
User id: 12350
DIE YOU FUCKING NOOB COCKSUCKER!
Submitted by Spider-Man (user info) at 2004-09-20 15:07:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I can count way above that, yes.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-09-20 15:07:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Horrible.
But I'm laughing.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-09-20 15:05:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
12 000+