Warning: Fucking Hot Coffee Is Fucking Hot (3764 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.85 on 78 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Sideburns (View user info) at 2004-09-21 01:36:56 EDT
We all heard the story from a few years ago-- A woman sued McDonald's after she spilled their coffee onto her lap. She won. Now she's sitting in her mansion smiling, realizing that her stupidity got her rich. Her vagina might be severely scarred, but she's got millions of dollars.
I don't know about you, but I've never spilled coffee on myself and screamed out, "Holy SHIT that's cold!". Did she expect the coffee to NOT be hot?
Apparently her morning routine consists of waking up to the Folger's aroma, putting it in the freezer, then drinking her frozen coffee on the way to work. On one morning in particular, she was running late. Uh oh, no time to make coffee. As the nice drive-thru girl handed her the coffee cup, the accident that would change lawsuits forever happened:
"Hey there nice girl. Thank you for my coff--"
Coffee gets spilled onto her lap.
"Holy shit! This hot coffee is fucking hot!"
Cruella then sped off, mumbling something about how she can finally get the money to make her own Dalmation coat.
Remember the guy that sued some restaurant because he choked on one of their burgers?
After all the years of evolution, are we really so stupid that we have to blame others because we don't know how to eat right? Burger King is in the midst of adding new labels to their burger wrappers--
"DO NOT EAT HAND WHILE EATING BURGER."
These days, people wipe the sweat off their brow after getting through a whole meal alive.
The lady who sued McDonald's also sued Dairy Queen the following week for giving her brain freeze. Then shen sued Tylenol because she almost choked to death on that fucking cotton ball.
Hello, my name is Common Sense. Why don't you sue me?
Not only did she win the trial, but several elderly ladies took the week off just so they could protest McDonald's outside the courthouse. Most wanted bigger labels on the coffee, others just wanted them to "kiss my old ass and suck my dick." It was a peaceful protest and considered a success since only 13 people died during the process.
People aren't just suing fast-food restaurants-- who are obviously in on a conspiracy to kill all of us one burger and coffee at a time. A man in the midwest, Jason West, was stabbed several times by an intruder then turned around and sued the makers of the knife.
The intruder had every intent of robbing Mr. West, but felt sorry when he was holding a knife to his head and all Jason could do was blow spit bubbles and make comments about the "purrdy shiny sharp thingy." He didn't steal anything because he felt so sorry for him.
Currently, several people are suing Jesus for not coming to them when they needed him. The same group also wanted to sue Nostradamus for predicting the future wrong, but found out he was dead.
A lawsuit against God for "Killing Nostradamus" is pending.
Most people are decent human beings. Some are self-made millionaires. Some are freaks who have parades and prance around downtown just because they fuck the same sex. Others are getting rich because they're fucking idiots.
Last night after work, I stopped by McDonald's for a quick bite to eat. As I stood at the counter, the young lady asked me what I'd like to order.
I looked up at the menu and at the very bottom, it read "SMILES ARE FREE :)".
'Yeah, can I have one smile-- to go?'
She called the manager up to the front because, apparently she was dealing with a smartass.
He gave me a 'go to hell' look as he sarcastically asked me what the problem was.
"Um... apparently I did something wrong sir. I'm sorry. It's my first time ordering food. I didn't know you guys were against jokes."
"Excuse me?"
"No, no. It's okay. It's totally my fault. Should I put my hands above my head now?"
"What--"
"I told a joke that wasn't funny. She went and got you apparently for that reason. Either she's against standup comedy or being laid-back is offensive to your kind."
"My kind? Son, I don't know who the hell you think you are..."
"Probably because I'm not wearing a nametag."
"Don't interrupt me. We don't like smartasses. We frown upon people like you."
"So you hate people who crack jokes? I'm sorry. My apologies. Hey, can I speak with Hitler?"
"Who?"
"The owner of McDonald's."
"No, you said Hitler."
"Exactly. The owner."
In Mickey D's land, check your sarcasm and wit at the door. They won't be having any of that.
Fuckers-- I still didn't get my smile.
-Sideburns
User Reviews
Submitted by Viper_04 (user info) at 2004-12-22 03:11:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The conversion at McDonalds was enough for a +2!
Submitted by Ingsoc (user info) at 2004-11-08 21:40:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jarvis (user info) at 2004-11-08 21:14:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That woman actualy didn't get that much money. The insurance companies lied so they could use that case and tons of other cases as excuses for why insurance rates are so damn high. Look it up. Bastards.
Submitted by monkey at 2004-10-11 03:26:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Hello, my name is Common Sense. Why don't you sue me?"
Gold.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-10-11 03:25:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Xile (user info) at 2004-10-11 03:11:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-10-10 21:46:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2004-09-30 12:07:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Man, I haven't worked at work in weeks, there are just so many article at uber. Nice post, you're a great writer.
Submitted by tlovess (user info) at 2004-09-26 19:54:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
HA
Submitted by 01011010 (user info) at 2004-09-26 19:47:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now that's 'MOE' like it.
Submitted by pokeysrevenge (user info) at 2004-09-26 14:38:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Don't interrupt me. We don't like smartasses. We frown upon people like you."
Hahaha. priceless. another +2.
Submitted by Fartman (user info) at 2004-09-23 04:23:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yep. All that and a bag of chips.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2004-09-23 04:01:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bwahahahahaha... Laugh out loud genius
Submitted by mxc_jwebber (user info) at 2004-09-23 03:26:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Once again, a masterpiece. I had the displeasure of working at a McD's for 2 weeks. The only way anyone was getting a free smile from me was with the administration of a blowjob. Work like slaves and tell us to smile? Fuck them.
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2004-09-23 00:16:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yup
Submitted by lexie (user info) at 2004-09-22 17:46:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Julia (user info) at 2004-09-22 16:56:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You crack me up. It looks like McDonald's should add "HOT! Keep away from crotch" and "HOT! Not for babies" to their cups too. And Honeycake's a twit. Go you.
Submitted by oddity420 (user info) at 2004-09-22 15:41:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude,
I just read one of your old posts about your little brother. Is your dad in the Marine Corps? Cause I think I worked with him, well he was in the same unit as me. That just struck me as odd. If he's a Major or LtCol Bowers. Then, I defitely like fixed his computer a couple times.
Submitted by Natalienu2 (user info) at 2004-09-22 03:33:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sideburns!!!
You are brilliant! Man that piece totally summed up how I feel I get treated when ever I try to be nice to people.
Stupid fucks! Smiles definitely arent freee, in fact, I don't think much is for free anymore.
Great writing! Without you my last few days at my workplace would be awful!
Submitted by Monarch (user info) at 2004-09-22 00:38:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
He he he. This totally strikes a chord with me.
You ever looked on the back of a bottle of sleeping pills? Note the fancy warning label that reads: "Caution: May cause drowsiness." Well of course it causes drowsiness... they're sleeping pills.
Anyhow, that came from one of the earliest lawsuits like this. Some damn woman (no offence intended) took a few sleeping pills, and then hopped in the car for a drive. Obviously she fell asleep at the wheel and crashed. And naturally she then sued the sleeping pill company (Nytol? Can't remember...) because she didn't realize they would make her fall asleep.
Genius.
Submitted by monkey at 2004-09-21 22:47:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
MOORNS!!!11!!one!!1
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-09-21 20:48:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
what sublime said
Submitted by sublime (user info) at 2004-09-21 20:41:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sideburns.info is a powerful and moving site
Submitted by ..|.. at 2004-09-21 20:24:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i like you.
Submitted by Zeccs (user info) at 2004-09-21 19:01:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why do you make me chuckle so?
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-09-21 18:51:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Aw, honeycakes is mad because she doesn't get too many +2's.
So sad. :(
I almost feel sorry for your bitter self.
...almost.
Submitted by honeycake (user info) at 2004-09-21 18:41:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-09-21 15:00:54 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by honeycake (user info) at 2004-09-21 13:26:20 (#)
Ranking: 0
I guess you are expecting only 2's. I'd give you one if this piece deserved it.
----------------
Sorry, but this sucks.
______________________________________________________________________________
I'm really impressed by your copy + paste ability. Thanks for the review... I'm not too impressed with your shit either. ;)
Suck it up, chump!
Submitted by Lechuga (user info) at 2004-09-21 17:32:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I expected gold, and got platinum. As per usual, loved it. I would hitwhore my last post, but I'd rather not be a dick.
Submitted by wazzawazzayo (user info) at 2004-09-21 16:41:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How dare you ridicule coffee burnt grandmas!
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2004-09-21 16:23:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, now I read it. Still a +2.
Submitted by gibberish (user info) at 2004-09-21 16:20:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, and great post by the way.
Submitted by Schwarzes_Glas (user info) at 2004-09-21 16:17:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by gibberish (user info) at 2004-09-21 16:14:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
In all fairness, McDonalds coffee is fucking scalding. I only wish I had been dumb enough to burn myself on it sooner. Fuck.
There goes another get rich quick scheme out the window.
Submitted by BoogieFevuh (user info) at 2004-09-21 16:08:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Hello, my name is Common Sense. Why don't you sue me?"
This line sealed it.
Submitted by hyprspacd (user info) at 2004-09-21 15:23:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Probably because I'm not wearing a nametag."
This made me laugh...
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-09-21 15:05:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sorry, honeycakes. You thought you could be original and beat my streak of +2s. Someone already beat you to it, sweety.
Submitted by WiKi (user info) at 2004-09-21 13:26:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"So you hate people who crack jokes? I'm sorry. My apologies. Hey, can I speak with Hitler?"
"Who?"
"The owner of McDonald's."
hahahaha.. I knew there was a reason I fell for you, oh so long ago
One day you'll be famous and I can say that I knew you 'when'
Submitted by honeycake (user info) at 2004-09-21 13:26:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I guess you are expecting only 2's. I'd give you one if this piece deserved it.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-09-21 12:34:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Did you ever read my 'Caution:contents may be hot' post? It was my first camwhore... oh so long ago...
Oh wow, I'm tired....
Ok, I'm going to bed.....
Wait I'm forgetting something here.... Oh right, I love you.
Submitted by partisan (user info) at 2004-09-21 12:28:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Aah, if only you could really get rich by fucking idiots. That was a great double entendre. I guess i could get relatively rich by selling my body to fat women. Fat girls need lovin' too, you know.
Submitted by strider (user info) at 2004-09-21 11:29:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good stuffo
Submitted by espo (user info) at 2004-09-21 10:41:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yup. still writing gold. i love it.
Espo
Submitted by runninginplace (user info) at 2004-09-21 10:32:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good post
Zoid- I don't care how hot the fucking coffee is, the bitch knew it was hot and had no excuse. Shit like this is why medical insurance i so high.
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2004-09-21 09:21:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Still think you're a douchebag but you still write better than 99.9% of anyone else so take this +2 and shove it up your ass.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2004-09-21 08:50:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Started off rocky but the conversaiton sealed it for me
Rock on
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-09-21 08:36:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha! This kind of random bullshit starts my day off right.
Submitted by XII (user info) at 2004-09-21 08:36:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
gold
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-09-21 08:27:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why must you taunt the retards? It's funny and everything but your
sharp witty humor blows circuits in their brains. Then they
curl up in a corner and slobber all over themselves. That's sick.
Do it again!
Submitted by Spuds002 (user info) at 2004-09-21 07:26:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
burns you have once again cracked me up.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-09-21 06:58:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-09-21 05:16:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Quasiplasmohedron (user info) at 2004-09-21 05:06:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by victorisperfect (user info) at 2004-09-21 04:39:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
People who sue over their own stupidity should be shot in the head. If they survive, then they'll be allowed to sue the bullet.
Kif: "Sir, remember your course-correction?"
Brannigan: "NO!"
Kif: "Well, it's proven somewhat more suicidal than we intially hoped."
Brannigan: "Kif, old freind. I don't know what disgust me more: you're cowardize or your stupidity. We'll simply set a new course, for that empty region over there near that blackish, holish thing."
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-09-21 03:47:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hmmm..your ideas intrigue me. I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-09-21 03:45:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You're right, Tinactin.
Let's have sex.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-09-21 03:43:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't sweat it, Sideburns. No matter who you are, or what you write, there will never be complete acceptance of your writing. So someone misses the point. It happens. You'll get just as many people loving your posts merely because they come from Sideburns. Either way, it's no reason to leave. Just go with it.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-09-21 03:36:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Zoidberg:
I know that the woman had valid reasoning for her actions. I know that there was probably a good reason why she was actually awarded the money.
I was just trying to write a post based on the simple 'cut and dry' main idea of the situation, which was-- A woman sues McDonald's for having hot coffee.
It's a comedy post. Nothing more, nothing less. No, I wasn't going for a point. No, this post didn't have a point. The way I worded it, it might seem like I was heading for some moral or whatnot, but no. I wasn't.
Trust me.
I'm just trying to write and have a good time without someone pointing out all the little 'mistakes' I have with everything. Take the post at face value-- not only is it..
Ok, fuck it. I give up.
I'm just going to take my writing elsewhere.
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2004-09-21 03:29:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I had a conversation with this batty old woman about a lawsuit she was working on against her city. Her complaint: the sidewalks have cracks in them (!!!) which make senior citizens fall and break their hips incurring insane medical bills. Are you going to sue god for making the ground itself uneven? Yeah so, good post.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-09-21 03:29:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, this post did have a point. The point? Smiles aren't really free.
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2004-09-21 03:27:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It was a comedy post with a point, not straight up humor. I was only pointing out that the point was a bit off-point
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-09-21 03:23:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
BOOM! Tough actin' tinactin.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-09-21 03:16:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Here's an extra.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-09-21 03:14:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shit I meant to +2
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-09-21 03:14:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Zoidberg-
#1- This is a comedy post, and not really about that old lady specifically. It was just a jumping off point.
#2- I think the point that Sideburns was trying to make is that coffee is fucking hot. 160 degrees or otherwise, unless the coffee was hot enough to burn her through a styrofoam cup, she's still the person who spilled it on her lap. The coffee could have been served at a lower temperature, and that might have reduced the skin damage. But by the same token, not spilling it on your fucking lap would have probably reduced damage as well.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-09-21 03:12:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
...and I'm aware the woman didn't drive off mumbling something about dalmations, just in case you were going to point that out too.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-09-21 03:11:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just dont understand some people.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-09-21 03:08:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
God forbid I try to post a comedy piece without someone ruining the fun of it.
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2004-09-21 03:07:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, I always love how people hear a story on Talk radio and assume they have all the facts
rather then try to recall the particulars of the case, I figured I'd just go to a website and copy and paste
The Facts
A detailed look at the facts of this case reveal that in light of McDonalds' actions, the awards were justified:
By its own corporate standards, McDonald's sells coffee at 180 to 190 degrees Fahrenheit. A scientist testifying for McDonald's argued that any coffee hotter than 130 degrees could produce third degree burns. However, a doctor testifying on behalf of Ms. Liebeck noted that it takes less than three seconds to produce a third degree burn at 190 degrees.[4]
(add in the simple fact that a law student sent to test coffee temps around town found McDonalds coffee was on average 20 degrees hotter then any other coffee served, and that had McDonalds coffee been at the average temperature of 160 degrees, burns would have come in 12-15 seconds. Basically, at 160 degrees the lady would have gotten a burn but the coffee would not have time to burn her as most of it wouldn't be in contact with her skin for long enough)
During trial, McDonald's admitted that it had known about the risk of serious burns from its coffee for more than 10 years. From 1982 to 1992, McDonald's received more than 700 reports of burns from scalding coffee; some of the injured were children and infants. Many customers received severe burns to the genital area, perineum, inner thighs and buttocks.[5]In addition, many of these claims were settled, amounting to more than $500,000.[6]
Witnesses for McDonald's testified that consumers were not aware of the extent of danger from coffee spills served at the company's required temperature. McDonald's admitted it did not warn customers and could offer no explanation as to why it did not.[7]
As a result of her injuries, Ms. Liebeck spent eight days in a hospital. In that time she underwent expensive treatments for third-degree burns including debridement (removal of dead tissue) and skin grafting. The burns left her scarred and disabled for more than two years.[8]Before a suit was ever filed, Liebeck informed McDonald's about her injuries and asked for compensation for her medical bills, which totaled almost $11,000.[9]McDonald's countered with a ludicrously low $800 offer.
McDonald's had several other chances to settle the case before trial: At one point, Liebeck's attorney offered to settle for $300,000.[10] In addition, days before the trial, the judge ordered both sides into a mediated settlement conference where the mediator, a retired judge, recommended that McDonald's settle for $225,000.[11] McDonald's refused all attempts to settle the case.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2004-09-21 02:54:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It is possible to live off of a Double-Quarter-Pounder with cheese meal for a month. Trust me.
Submitted by matchoo (user info) at 2004-09-21 02:36:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
lovely. not living in the states myself, i sometimes think the whole lot of you are messed up. this shit doesn't happen anywhere else...
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2004-09-21 02:09:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the title alone and because I'm stoned batty.
Submitted by zxcvvcxz (user info) at 2004-09-21 02:07:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good as always.
Submitted by steph (user info) at 2004-09-21 02:02:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-09-21 01:53:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I also have a Mcdonalds fetish. McGriddle sandwiches make me hard.
Submitted by Nobb (user info) at 2004-09-21 01:50:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2004-09-21 01:44:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bwa haha.
Submitted by Gnome (user info) at 2004-09-21 01:44:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i was entertained.
Submitted by Katastrofadark (user info) at 2004-09-21 01:44:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HEHE that's funny as hell. And sadly so true. People sue just about anything these days.