Osama Retirement Bash (601 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 2 on 12 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by toddska <> (View user info) at 2004-09-21 08:27:43 EDT
After over 30 years service, Osama bin Laden has decided to retire and depart from Global Terrorism Inc.
Osama began his illustrious career with us all in Afghanistan as a Mujahideen fighter on the payroll of the CIA, fighting the totalitarian Russian Communists.
"He was excellent to work with"
commented CIA field service event facilitator Bradley Klein.
After many successful years service wearing down the Russians in the service of the CIA/Mujahideen, Osama spent a number of years freelancing in the East Asia basin.
Former manager Bin Abdul Faraq said
"In those formative years he was developing into a real contributor"
And so he did
Years of community service in Afghanistan followed, and while there he forged a real partnership with the incumbent elected officials of the Taleban. It was there that he famously devised his own unique brand.
Buoyed by the realization that branding and marketing were the key to all successful corporations, Osama realized that real power lay in totalitarianism. His vision upon seeing the success of Capitalist totalitarianism in the West was to develop Islamic totalitarianism. And weren't we all glad he did.
His ideas had him setting the company vision and mission statement to the simple yet catchy "Kill all Americans". It was to be a revolution in the market-place.
His on-going consultancy during this period allowed him a considerable amount of time to utilize his CIA skills to further the development of thousands of mini-Osama's. His vision was truly what has made this company so successful.
Former head of CIA Sth-East Asia operations James Faulkner noted.
"It was during this period that we really started to notice his ideas and potential. We needed an enemy and Osama had all the right credentials and commitment. Plus he was a towel-head which made it significantly easier to market him in the West"
Late in the 90's Osama then took the bold step of moving from hands-on training consultancy to public relations, deploying many of his trainees world-wide to spread the gospel of the company. His brand? Islamic totalitarianism and it was taking off like Frisbees.
The rest is history as you well know.
It is expected Osama will retire to his mountain chalet in Colorado where he is known to have Hunter S Thompson and Jack Nicholson as neighbours.
"Haha....we expect that this wont be a quiet retirement with those two scallywags as neighbours"
winked long-time friend and former Taleban ruler Mullah Muhammad Omar.
And neither do we. Given his drive and commitment it is hard to see Osama truly settling down. It sometimes feels like he can go on forever, and his influence is everywhere despite his non-attendance in the office of late. A truly magnificent brand if there ever was one.
To mark this occasion, Osama would like to invite all his friends and former colleagues, both past and present, to join him for a pint at
Maguires Bar and Bistro
Temple bar
Dublin
5-30pm tomorrow night.
Contributions for Osama's leaving present can be forwarded to Maggie O'Hara at the Global Terrorism Inc Dublin office on Fitzgerald St. and card signing can be made at the front reception of Maguire's on the night.
We wish him all the best on his retirement as he is leaving us with a golden legacy of global chaos and mayhem. Thanks Osama. Thanks CIA. What would we have done without you.
User Reviews
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2004-09-24 06:21:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny and original.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-09-21 16:57:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by wazzawazzayo (user info) at 2004-09-21 14:45:18 (#)
Ranking: 2
Osama should move to Omaha.
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oh my god. this guy is too fuckin' funny... oooh my head!
Submitted by browneyedgirl (user info) at 2004-09-21 14:59:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yesssss
(Spoken like Napoleon Dynamite)
Submitted by wazzawazzayo (user info) at 2004-09-21 14:45:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Osama should move to Omaha.
Submitted by partisan (user info) at 2004-09-21 12:51:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fantastique
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-09-21 11:25:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Totally original AND funny, a really rare combination. +2, well deserved.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-09-21 11:16:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by toddska (user info) at 2004-09-21 09:27:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2004-09-21 09:09:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
You are beginning to rule.
On a side note if I go to Ireland it would be for a family reunion and I would be on the west coast. If it happens though I am sure we could arrange a night of drinking,
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You will be definitely welcome. Went out last night in Dublin...6am return...and thats a Monday. This place knows how to facilitate a bender.
Its fair to say that work today would suck balls without Uber to ease the pain
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-09-21 09:13:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I didn't know Osama liked to ski! Or does he prefer snowboarding?
Submitted by ardubs (user info) at 2004-09-21 09:11:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Neat.
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2004-09-21 09:09:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are beginning to rule.
On a side note if I go to Ireland it would be for a family reunion and I would be on the west coast. If it happens though I am sure we could arrange a night of drinking,
Submitted by Spiral_Abraxis (user info) at 2004-09-21 08:31:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll be there.