Guns, Girls and Glasgow (1540 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.79 on 21 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Mike the Scottish (View user info) at 2004-09-21 19:32:50 EDT
don't know why, but almost every important decision I make in my life seems to involve as little planning as as much blind faith as is humanly possible. Hence why I planned for my entire life to go to Edinburgh University, and ended up being rejected- and choosing Glasgow University because, hey, it's Scottish, right? Contrary to my user name, i've been living in southern England for the past few years, laughing at English people and getting beaten up by a lot of chavs as a result. Anyway, the time had come to leave sunny Hampshire, and I didn't have a clue. Even when we reached Glasgow, after an insanely long drive, I felt nothing. Not excitement, not fear, nothing. I reasoned that, doing an English Degree, there'd be a lot of chicks, so if all else failed I could spend my days gawking at my fellow students. And what better way to start than with my new flatmates, four of whom were female, leaving only one other guy, an Irish stoner who didn't come out of his room much. 'Ahh, womankind!' I thought to myself. 'Your wonders are mine for the taking. Bwah ha ha ha!!!". Yes, including the evil laughter.
Within an hour of my moving in, i'd installed my computer, and had settled in to a bout of the bowel-emptying scaryness of Doom 3. My flatmates trickled in, carting box after box of whatever it is girls pack boxes full of. I smiled, waved, introduced myself with a friendly 'Hi, i'm Mike. How ya doin?'. Alas, this failed to garner much favour from the fine specimens I would be spending the next year with. Muttering darkly, I turned back to Doom, jamming the door open with my shoe in case some well-proportioned, innocent Scottish farmer's daughter needed my guidance through the dark lands of urban Scotland. All was going well, only the occassional yelp of terror revealing the extent of my sad, socially reclusive world.
"Take that, ya zombie bastard!"
"How ya like a bit of the Mikester, ya demon fuck!" (I really am this sad)
Out of the corner of my eye, two blonde girls walked past my door.
"Hey -BLAM BLAM- i'm Mike! Howya -HAVE IT!- doing?"
They smiled awkwardly and hurried past, as if I had asked them if they fancied a bit of the Mikester themselves. Hmm. Maybe the simultaneous game playing and conversation making don't create an image of ultimate manliness. From this point on, I got fully immersed in the game, running with some sentry-bot thingy as it obliterated everything in its path. Next up, a spooky door, and what seemed to be a non-zombified person sitting in a chair. 'Ahh, sweet virtual company, so much less hassle than the real world...' my warped mind reasoned. But as I walked in, a cut-scene triggered, and my would-be company seemed in a spot of bother. All of a sudden, some flaming skull thing burst out of its body. And started flying towards me.
"AAAAAAGHHH, DIE YOU VILE DENIZEN OF THE UNDERWORLD!"
A flicker of a face at the door. Hang on, was that... never mind. The game must take precedence. Nothing must stop the game. The game is all-knowing. I paused to look at my recently-departed virtual friend. Strangely, it seemed to be female.
"Dude, is that a girl??"
Footsteps. Another zombie? No, it was coming from the door. My brain whirred into action- 'What the fuck...'. I suddenly hear somebody starting to cry.
"WHAT DID YOU SAY TO MY SISTER??"
One of the girls I had vaguely seen, one of the attractive petite ones, was looking daggers at me. A younger, inexplicably bald girl was leaning on her shoulder, crying. Oh shit.
"Huh? No, it was the game, the game made me say it!"
"She's just come out of hospital, you insensitive, bastard!"
That would explain the baldness, then.
"Sorry, it was the game. I didn't mean to offend... The game..."
I pointed helplessly at the screen in front of me, which had turned red, as I had been unwittingly eviscerated by a large, fire-weilding demon. Bugger. I turned to my head towards the girls. The bald one was still crying. The pretty one still bore a face strikingly similar to the demon on my screen. I needed to repair the damage- I couldn't live with one of my flatmates hating me. I needed to draw all my linguistic powers to this moment, show her in one phrase that I wasn't such a bad guy, after all.
"I'm Mike, by the way. Howya doin?"
*THUNK*
Now I have a broken nose and my flatmates all think i'm an insensitive wanker- and an insensitive wanker who takes all his commands from an over-rated computer game. Ever since, i've remained locked in my room, thinking of what might happen if I venture outside. Then the game calls me back, and I must answer... And yet i'm just as clueless as when I arrived, and no more sure of my ability to reconcile with my flatmates, sure only of my Doom prowess. But if they already equate me with the brainlessness of the zombies I so readily eviscerate, why should I seek solace in anything else?
User Reviews
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-03-21 09:02:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Har Har, you insensitive prick.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-11-23 19:23:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Seb, i'm an 18 year old Fresher at Glasgow, studying, amongst other things, English Literature. Glasgow's a great university, I heartily reccommend it.
Submitted by Iago (user info) at 2004-11-23 19:04:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
God damn you mike. 500+ hits and 18 reviews. I dont get that, even after 3 submissions!
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2004-11-23 18:58:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*Auto +2 for being DREAMY!*
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2004-11-21 17:34:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for me being stupid and rating after the first couple of lines.
Well, maybe we'll end up meeting up or something. My first choice is Strathclyde though.
By the way, how old are you?
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2004-11-21 17:29:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, you go/have been to Glasgow Uni? I might be going next year to do Computer Science. What did/are you doing?
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-10-14 03:43:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Jeebus TTOM, i'm in there on a regular basis. Hell, i've probably seen you. Haven't seen you in ages on Uber... come to Ubercon mate!
Submitted by PeopleAreStrange (user info) at 2004-10-13 16:04:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shag the bald girl. Then they'll see you're really not so shallow, leaving room to move onto her sister.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2004-10-13 15:48:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Given that Im in the round reading room at Glasgow uni writing this I fear bumping into you.
Would two Uberers meeting accidentily cause some sort of time/space rip?
Submitted by Your Boyfriend FAG at 2004-09-24 13:35:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
ahahahahahahah
You are so gay
I wish all douches like you were fucking rounded up and carted off to concentration camps
Scotland sucks
Keep it green douche
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-09-22 12:52:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-09-22 10:20:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Dude go talk to the Engineering students... Oh, wait, they'll be doing exactly the same thing.
If it was a playstation, you could have invited them to kill zombies too.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-09-22 09:03:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well I think you need more social skills. When I started college I was rooming with a bunch of guys, being as they segregate us (at least by room). Even then I didn't immediately set up my computer and start playing video games. That just sends the message that you are more interested in video games then making social connections. Which is probably true in this case. Yeah, hot girls find nothing more interesting then wankers stuck in a room playing video games...
And you can hardly expect a girl to take it lightly when someone exclaims at the sight of them, "Dude, is that a girl?"
Luckily women are shallow, and some 2-bit gesture like a flower or card can heal most everything (except anally raping their mother).
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-09-22 03:24:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Jack, Trout pretty much nailed it. Scotland's in one of the transitional phases at the moment, leaving a dissapointing summer and entering a bleak winter. Honeymoon wise, it's beautiful, but you might spend a lot of time indoors. Which may not be such a bad thing...
Submitted by Krautski (user info) at 2004-09-22 00:41:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
FUNBOX!!
Submitted by Trout (user info) at 2004-09-22 00:39:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2004-09-22 00:23:06 (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice, Mike. BTW, thinking about honeymooning in Scotland next year around this time. Weather-wise, is this advisable?
--------------------
Depends.
It WILL rain.
Been raining most days at some point now for the last 3 weeks or so.
Temperature it's not too bad, need a jacket though.
If you go to the glencoe area at this time of the year you'll see it at its misty, rainy best. Very atmospheric.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2004-09-22 00:23:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice, Mike. BTW, thinking about honeymooning in Scotland next year around this time. Weather-wise, is this advisable?
Submitted by Quasiplasmohedron (user info) at 2004-09-21 23:23:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Buy them flowers.
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2004-09-21 21:55:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny stuff. First maybe you should try to not talk to your computer; it being a non-living object and all.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-09-21 21:32:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Poor bastard.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-09-21 19:42:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I also now have a cold. This really is turning out to be a shitty week.