Smear (2539 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.44 on 59 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by DeathJester (View user info) at 2004-09-22 07:30:10 EDT
I'm 21 years old, and have been with my 20 year old girlfriend for 2 and a half years. I love her dearly, and wish we can be together for a very long time.
She got an appointment for a Smear test yesterday.
Not knowing how one has a Smear test, I was satisfied that, through the miracle of modern science, they would get a cotton bud inside her bits and pieces and send it off to a lab for the "All clear". Yay science!
I just looked on the web, and checked out the actual procedure for this examination. Here is my interpretation.
Upon entering the warm and slightly humid office of your GP, he greets you, sits you on a chair, and asks you some questions about your sexual activity. You answer (leaving out the details), and he says "Ok, lets get you undressed and pop you on the bench!" You move behind a curtain and remove your trousers and underwear, and sit on the bench, cross legged to protect your modesty for a fraction of a second longer, and he appears a few moments later. He tells you "I've been a doctor for xx years, and i've seen them all. You have nothing I haven't seen, and you don't need to be worried about anything. It won't hurt at all." This gives you absolutley NO comfort, as you remember the dentist saying all this before he told you needed root canal and went through 30 minutes of searing agony in your jaw).
So, he positions you on the bench lying on your left hand side (Most GP's don't have a gyno-bench with styrups, so you have to position yourself in a certain way), with your right leg bent and resting, knee in the air. He puts a latex glove on, then some lubricant (he's not a masochist!), and then he procedes with a preliminary exam.
He puts his fingers inside your girlfriends vagina.
He prods around, looking for lumps, hard tissues, abbrasions, any other abnormal structures, then removes his fingers and removes the glove. You put your leg down instincively and pray that's it, over.
Like I said, preliminary exam.
The next part of this ritual is the actual Smear test. He takes a tool called a Speculum, which resembles a medieval instrument of torture, and inserts it inside your girlfriend once more. Its freezing cold and makes you shiver, but you say nothing in case he stops to ask you what's wrong and has to leave it in for a few more unbearable seconds. This device spreads the walls of the vagina so he can see the cervix.
Only you (Hey, I can delude myself!|) have seen this place, and not with any eye responsive to light.
He takes a lolli-pop stick, and runs it along the cervix to scrape off some cells for testing, then removes the speculum. Done, dusted, go home and wait for results.
I don't like this one bit. I don't like this at all. I don't want her to get cancer, but I don't like this.
Let me re-itterate that point: I. Do. Not. Like. This.
Is it just me, or is there something intrinsically wrong with another person finger-banging your missus? It might not be for pleasure, but it certainly is when I do it, and that's my only point of reference.
And it makes me mad.
So, guys and girls, lend me your opinions! Do you get jealous? Is my description correct? Has it changed since that article was written? Let me know! I'm DYING to find out i'm wrong and I can go back to thinking about fluffy bunnies and rainbows instead of taking a syringe of bleach to her GP's eyes.
I can imagine Kaelic jacking off to this.
Just for the guys, here's a speculum. Enjoy the mental picture.
User Reviews
Submitted by 38missing at 2004-10-04 14:47:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"Well, that's cruel, buddy, you shouldn't be scaring little girls like that. Also, why were they in the building?"
They weren't little kids. It was just at a Halloween party, kids in their 20's. As for the speculums. We sell OB/GYN, Dental, Cardiology, General Medical, basicaly everything. My boss threw it away, and I swiped that shit. With that bloody thing in my hand, I was pretty much my own cock block the whole evening.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-10-04 14:40:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Well, that's cruel, buddy, you shouldn't be scaring little girls like that. Also, why were they in the building?"
Submitted by Banned_KoolMang (user info) at 2004-10-04 12:57:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well, that's cruel, buddy, you shouldn't be scaring little girls like that. Also, why were they in the building?
Jester, I just want to know how she was during the exam, because I think her mental state is just as important as yours.
Submitted by 38missing at 2004-10-04 12:19:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
We sell Vaginal Speculums here at my job. I work in a medical supply warehouse. I got ahold of a faulty 'Large'(Large size much more intimidating than the above picture)speculum thinking it would be funny to just throw on my wall. Then Halloween came around and I had no ideas. So, I super glued a bunch of tacks to the speculum and covered it in fake blood. Then I got some doctors scrubs and covered those in blood and put a little trickling down the side of my mouth for fun.
Watching the reactions on girls faces was priceless. I think I might do it again this year.
Submitted by Orange-San (user info) at 2004-10-04 11:59:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
i smear pile of crap on ur gf evry dai, n she <3's it. hahaha, roflcompter, lol, u cry lMALO
Submitted by KoolMang (user info) at 2004-10-01 16:21:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
How did she describe her experience? I hope she felt nothing.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-10-01 04:51:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Went fine thanks dude... Saw a female nurse, was very informative with the procedure (Although she recommended I wait outside, which g/f agreed to so I didn't have a leg to stand on. I waited outside the door to make sure no doctor would go in... I'm far too jealous).
Your advice was invaluable Koolmang. At least there's one Uber user who doesn't mind helping out the little guy.
Many, many thanks.
Submitted by KoolMang (user info) at 2004-09-28 19:30:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Jester, if you get this, email me at baba_booey_shooey.at.hotmail.com
Tell me how it went, I'd really like to know if my advice helped. Or tell it on this post.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-09-22 12:03:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hello DJ?!
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-09-22 11:07:31 (#)
Ranking: 0
Erm... How is having an IUD the same as having a smear test?! As far as I know, the lolli pop stick only touches the cervix, instead of being passed THROUGH it!
--------------------
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-09-22 10:38:04 (#)
Ranking: 2
They fit them in a fairly similar way, except that they have to dilate your cervix to do it.
She'll be fine.
Submitted by KoolMang (user info) at 2004-09-22 12:02:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
An interesting fact is the American Cancer Society says that a girl should receive her first pap smear at age 18 or when she starts her period. That means that some sick fucking parents send their 13-year old daughters for rapings on a table. That, in my opinion, is sick. Pap Smears are better when the girls aren't FORCED to go.
Submitted by Julia (user info) at 2004-09-22 11:57:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Aww, a sympathetic boyfriend. +2 for you for that. Honestly, some women have bad experiences, but usually it's just embarrassing and uncomfortable for a few moments. She might have some cramping in her back when the doc brushes she cervix, but it's not bad. If she has a good doctor, she shouldn't have any problems. If you hold her hand and keep eye contact, that eliminates the "What do I do with my hands while Dr. Coldfingers is up there?" and "How do I casually stare at the ceiling and pretend I'm not here?" Some girls like small talk, others don't. And wearing the paper outfit sucks. If you're there, she might feel less awkward. And yes, tell the doc it's her first time.
Good for her for going. I went for the first time at 16 and found I had some pre-cancerous cells on my cervix. A full exam also usually includes a breast exam, where she'll be prodded for lumps.
Submitted by KoolMang (user info) at 2004-09-22 11:46:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh shit, I forgot to mention, both of you must talk to the doctor in the same room BEFORE your girlfriend gets undressed. Talking about the procedure will put more incentive into the doctor to be as gentle as possible.
Submitted by KoolMang (user info) at 2004-09-22 11:44:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Just make sure she feels a lot better, too. She's more important, in my opinion. Her experience will be reflected in bed and her overall demeanor.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-09-22 11:42:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
HAHAHA They stick a wand up a ladies holiest of holies to make Magic Eye pictures?!
I'm in the wrong business...!
Thanks for your input dude, i'm feeling a lot better as a result. I'd say i'll +2 all of your posts, but it wouldn't do you justice.
Submitted by KoolMang (user info) at 2004-09-22 11:39:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's not the fact that it projects magic-eye pictures, its the fact that they stick the wand up the woman's cooter to do so, which can be uncomfortable.
Submitted by KoolMang (user info) at 2004-09-22 11:37:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The first step in coaching eachother through a new examination experience is don't exaggerate it. The more you begin to gain confidence in it, the less nervous she'll be. This is a tip I don't think you've read up on: if she is nervous, she will be tight. If she is tight, then she'll bleed.
I'm sorry, I'm just saying, make her feel as confident as she can. That, in combination with her speaking to her doctor during the exam, will make it a good experience.
If you end up reading on abortion stories, I'll save you the trouble: http://www.abortiontv.com
Go to "Stories", and you'll read what it's like without anaesthesia.
I'll still be trolling this post if you need anything else from the male perspective.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-09-22 11:37:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Dude Sterograms are Magic Eye pictures... Eh?
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-09-22 11:32:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
KoolMang, it's like my voice has found another home to be spoken from. Sex with her would be very, very difficult after seeing a GUY putting his fingers inside her. Female doctors all the way!
And you forgot the breasts-slammed-in-freezer-door experience that is Mammography.
Also, i'm reading up on all those other procesures you mentioned. I'm intruiged.
Submitted by KoolMang (user info) at 2004-09-22 11:24:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Painful procedures for females, let me count the ways...
-IUD
-Colopscopy
-Pap Smear
-Stereogram
-Surgical abortion without anaesthetic
-cervical exams (done in hospital during pregnancy to examine the dilation of the cervix every hour, full fist)
-many many others...
I am glad I'm not a female, but respect them for what they have to go through. Treat your girlfriend like a queen, she probably deserves it. Remember, though, a pap smear, for a confident woman, is a very simple procedure. It is the least painful procedure a woman has to go through. That is why it is IMPERATIVE that you help make sure it's a good experience. Of course it won't be a good experience so that she wants to go back in 2 weeks, but good as in she'll feel confident about going to the same doctor in the future for the exams.
Is SHE nervous? If so, try coaching each other beforehand. Give her tips on relaxation, and she can give you some. Basically, help each other out, and you'll both be fine.
Remember: get a woman doctor dammit! I know that if I had a girlfriend, I would rather her go to a female. If she goes to a male doctor, sex with her will be different. I don't know how, it's probably a psychological thing. Just female or nothing else, think about yourself, too! FEMALE doctors don't make you jealous, okay? Female, female!
Just trying to help you out.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-09-22 11:07:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Erm... How is having an IUD the same as having a smear test?! As far as I know, the lolli pop stick only touches the cervix, instead of being passed THROUGH it!
I'm sure a muscle relaxant would make a smear test easier (Especially for ladies who aren't very "experienced"!).
I'll just hold her hand and tell him to be VERY gentle, I think...
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-09-22 10:38:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
From a female perspective, smears are not particularly comfortable. Wish your girlfriend luck and be prepared to give her a hug afterwards.
I have a coil (IUD) fitted. They fit them in a fairly similar way, except that they have to dilate your cervix to do it.
Men, imagine what it feels like having a particularly orgasm at the same time as being kicked in the balls, complete with really bad stomach cramps equivalent to an extreme case of Delhi belly. That's the only way I think to explain the physical sensation to someone who doesn't have a cervix or uterus. Dilating the cervix also makes you go dizzy, your eyes glaze over and all you can say is "arrrrgh".
When I had mine fitted, they stopped halfway through and then started again. When it was all over and I'd come round again (yeah, yeah, I'm a wuss and passed out - it IS that painful), I asked them why they'd had to stop.
Some cheerful nurse said "Oh, it's ok; it's just that all your muscles went into spasm and we couldn't get anything in or out."
No wonder it fucking hurt.
They offered to take it out when I started having random bleeding. I'd rather keep the random bleeding.
I recommend the Pill, condoms, depo injection, abstinance....
If you have a low pain threshold, I don't recommend a coil.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-09-22 08:56:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I asked her to ask for a woman... I'm weak and easily threatened, but horendously violent and cruel. Anything to keep me sane is a bonus!
It's not even been booked yet. I'm just freaking out prematurely.
Submitted by KoolMang (user info) at 2004-09-22 08:40:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Just remember: she is in control, it's HER body. She is merely getting a service from the medical community, which is disease prevention. You are her protector. Keep it that way for many more years (unless you find the perfect GP and she decides to stick to him).
Would you be less jealous if it was a woman? If so, change hers to a female!
Good luck, when is it?
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-09-22 08:28:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
HAHAHA Thanks Melza, if i'd have thought about it i'd have added it, but my views of lubrication is that it pretty much disolves (Having never used it!).
I will tell the doc KoolMang, and yes it is her first.
For the record, i've never witnesses or read up on this until today (Where I read the procedure on medical sites). I'm glad my horror story was accurate, so it can't be much worse!
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2004-09-22 08:25:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Submitted by Melza <Melzad.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-09-22 08:23:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bloody brilliant, I laughed out loud. As a female who has endured this exact thing several times, you are quite accurate. You missed out the bit where you stand up afterwards, put your panties on and then after a small squelch have panties full of KY Jelly.
Submitted by Mr.Flix (user info) at 2004-09-22 08:22:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
links to shit worse than this:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/45741
http://www.ubersite.com/m/21340
http://www.ubersite.com/m/41734
Submitted by KoolMang (user info) at 2004-09-22 08:22:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I feel exactly the same way when it comes to girls I know going for them. I just want to throttle every gynecologist in the Western Hemisphere (screw the non-whites), in order to protect our womenz.
We should be the only ones penetrating them, not some old fuck.
Since you're releasing anger, I might as well help you. In 1999, Turkey was in the middle of a big-stupid program called The Virginity Tests. It was absolutely atrocious. They got any girl they can, and forced her to submit to a pelvic exam with no restrictions (ie. no actual procedure, they just had to see if she had a hymen, even if it meant breaking it). They would shove a finger up a girl's ass, and declare her a virgin. Wtf? It was a stupid mix of religious/moral values, and sadistic desires of the men in power. It's been abandoned, thankfully.
Submitted by KoolMang (user info) at 2004-09-22 08:11:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Just another few tips:
-ask her GP (or get her to ask) to warm up the speculum under hot water
-if it's her first time, remember to tell the doc.
-don't let him do an anal exam, which won't hurt her, but will probably drive you over the edge.
You haven't said yet, is it her FIRST time?
Submitted by Mr.Flix (user info) at 2004-09-22 08:09:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
thanks, that comment made me smile, i havent hade a good chuckle in quite a long time.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-09-22 08:07:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Mr.Flix, your lack of maturity is exceded only by your lack of wit.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-09-22 08:06:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
KoolMang i've stopped feeling bad for the moment... I think i just wanted to vent. I don't handle bottled up anger well, and I either tell someone or do something that'll get me fired.
Thanks for your opinions, you're all helping me understand.
Submitted by Mr.Flix (user info) at 2004-09-22 08:05:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
ok then, thats why i just -2ed all yo shit, fo
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-09-22 08:04:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm not angry at the doctor Circe... I'm angry at the situation. I'm very jealous by nature, and don't like the thought of another person inserting things into my girlfriend's hoo-haa!! It's not a nice feeling!
I hope i'm there.
Submitted by KoolMang (user info) at 2004-09-22 08:01:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I have to stop talking about it, otherwise it'll make Jester feel worse.
In the future, they'll have big cancer-machines that'll detect cancer, and you walk out.
Jester, just tell your girlfriend that she can speak up if he's hurting her, and if he persists to hurt her, tell him to be more gentle or else. That's my tip.
Submitted by Fleadh (user info) at 2004-09-22 08:00:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If your GF has a nice bajiner and not one of those kebab lookalike ones theres no way he can do that Job and not get wood. I know in theory its not sexual but Just look at preists and the whole abstinance thing....No dude becomes a pussy doctor without the obvious motives, dispite what they would try to have you girdles believe otherwise.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-09-22 07:58:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
DeathJester - going with her is a great idea. But don't be angry at the doctor; he's doing his job and looking after her health.
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2004-09-22 07:58:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Wait, he inserts the speculum into your girlfriend, and YOU SHIVER?
That's some Corsican Brothers shit right there.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-09-22 07:57:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What's your alternative, Koolmang? To stop using one of the most accurate methods for diagnosing cancer in its earliest stages because a few girls have a bad experience?
It's such a simple little procedure, seriously. I don't know how anybody could equate a couple of minutes of discomfort to rape.
Submitted by KoolMang (user info) at 2004-09-22 07:55:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Jester, it's good to know another guy cares about his female companion. If you're lucky enough to be in the same room as her while the examination is done, you're there for her protection, so remember, stand up for her there. The doctor might end up being the nicest in the world, ignore my horror stories. If you're so worried, then don't let her go in at all unless you're in the room with her during the exam. It'll be fine, especially if you're there to watch over her.
Submitted by KoolMang (user info) at 2004-09-22 07:53:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's not the smear neccessarily, but the speculum. If you think about it, it opens you up, obviously. The doctor has to have a good look, so he opens you to the point of tears. I'm not a chick, but I know about these exams. Some girls just brush it off as "Wowzers, I didn't feel a thing!", but for others, they feel like they've been raped. I'm just saying there are some doctors who will act like jerks and hurt their patients.
Breaking the "it's just a movie" rule, ever seen "Dead Ringers"? The barbiturate-stoned Dr.Mantle examines a woman with a surgical retractor, which hurts her badly, and when he takes it out, he practically rips it out. That's an example. It happens today.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-09-22 07:52:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Writing reviews should be reserved for members who have 5+ posts and maintain a >-0.5 point average.
Oh, and putting -2 several times doesn't affect my rating. The script averages out your ratings, so you will only ever be able to -2 me once.
You're a smart one, Mr.Flix.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-09-22 07:50:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
She wants me to go with her... I think I will! Just sit in the room with her... In my left hand will be hers, in my right, my county Freestyle Kickboxing trophy... I might feel a little less angry then!
Oh, and thanks for the horror stories KoolMang... You're really making the whole thing a lot easier for me.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-09-22 07:47:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Koolmang, are you insane? It's Pap smear, for crying out loud. It's not as though he's raping her with an electric cattle prod. It's a simple procedure, it's over in two minutes, and it's the best way we have of checking for cervical cancer. What on earth is the big deal?
Submitted by Mr.Flix (user info) at 2004-09-22 07:47:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
:(
Submitted by Mr.Flix (user info) at 2004-09-22 07:47:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
....
Submitted by Mr.Flix (user info) at 2004-09-22 07:47:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by KoolMang (user info) at 2004-09-22 07:46:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Circe, I'm just saying, invasive exams are a big deal especially for the girls who come out of the exam crying because of the pain they endured, because some actually do go through painful exams.
Submitted by Mr.Flix (user info) at 2004-09-22 07:46:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
wait no im sorry i takes it back.................................................................................................................no wait i dont FUCK U!!!!!
Submitted by KoolMang (user info) at 2004-09-22 07:45:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This must be your girlfriend's FIRST pap if you're so anxious about her. I don't blame you. A friend of mine once said to me she got tested for cancer in her ovaries (forced, by mother), and she was in the same position described, and she said it hurt and for them to stop, and they didn't.
I just think it's horrible when sadistic men like this hurt women parts in such a painful manner.
Remember, if he hurts her, she can sue for malpractise.
Submitted by Mr.Flix (user info) at 2004-09-22 07:44:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
no fuck you!
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-09-22 07:43:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Koolmang - Pretty much, but without the graphic description. It's really not that big a deal.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-09-22 07:42:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Fucking hell apollo I just burst out laughing... Thanks for making me feel better dude!
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-09-22 07:40:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Get an original name Mr.Flix, we've all seen Red Meat.
I know i'll have to get used to it, and I plan to. I can't go on wanting to murder her GP every 2 years!
And KoolMang... I'm like that already. She hasn't even BOOKED it yet.
Submitted by KoolMang (user info) at 2004-09-22 07:40:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Speaking of pregnancy, I was channel surfing the other day, and I came across this birth show. Anyway the doctor dude gets a glove on, and with the most brutal force, shoves his hand up her twat a final time as she grips her head in agony. Is that what an internal examination is, Circe?
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-09-22 07:39:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, lighten up.
I had one done once.
Hurt like fuck. Not sure why I had to have it done I only had hayfever.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-09-22 07:37:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Yes, that's exactly what happens. It's very uncomfortable.
However, there is no sexual connotation to it at all. Absolutely zero. It's about as personal as having your blood pressure taken.
And you'd better get used to it; this has to be done every two years, and if she gets pregnant, she'll need to have internal examinations.
Submitted by KoolMang (user info) at 2004-09-22 07:34:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's worse when you find out that the gyno gave your female friend a very brutally painful exam (equivalent to rape outside of the clinic), and there's nothing you can do about it short of murder.
Submitted by Mr.Flix (user info) at 2004-09-22 07:34:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
fuck u!