Jesus & Me Tag Teamed a Coked Up Hooker (4782 hits)
Category: GraphicsRating: 1.82 on 57 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by shitfuck (View user info) at 2004-09-23 14:49:42 EDT
Funny thing happened on the way home lastnight--I was mugged, raped and brutally murdered by a pack of crazed immigrants.
Now, if this had happened at any other time in my life, I might be a little upset. The way things have been going up until lastnight, I was sorta looking forwards to a quick but painful and humiliating death at the hands of Boat People. I quit my job to take up snorting and dealing cocaine on a full time basis, I dumped my girlfriend because I'm an asshole, I killed my elderly neighbour's cats for shits and giggles--I even set fire to a local church and while watching it burn, sniped off firefighters that were desperatley trying to save the parishoners from the flames with a rifle I found in a dumpster.
If this kind of behaivour doesn't deserve a solid smoting by god, I don't know what does.
And smote is what I got.
After chasing me down the street, the mad pack of Boat People with their cute little buns on their heads and back packs full of stones cornered me in an alley. Seeing that I had nowhere left to run to, they started chucking their sacred rocks at me--at the time I felt a little like that Duck from the Nintendo Duck Hunt game--locked in a little TV box with a group of soda popped out kids holding the gun right to the screen and racking up the points.
Rocks flying in from every direction, it was only a matter of time before I got a couple in the face. I was knocked out cold, blood and brains oozing from my ears. The Boat People moved in slowly, afraid that I might stand up and cast an evil democracy spell on them or steal their souls with my camera. Of course at this point, I was floating around my body, looking down on the grizzly scene unfolding below me--and then the voice.
Everything I know about Jesus I learned from a really nice pastor at my Sunday school--Jesus likes little boys with fat cocks, he used to tell me. So I was a favorite for God and the nice folks at my Sunday school. He also mentioned that when the lord alhorney speaks, the universe shakes--which I found out is absolutley true. The boom of Jesus's voice shook not only the universe, but my bladder and I pissed my spirit-self like a three year old with herpes at the breakfast table.
"SHITFUCK! you are a defiler of the holy father, blah blah blah.'
Of course he didn't say 'blah blah blah', he was ranting about hell or some crap like that and I just tuned him out.
"What will you do to save your soul young Shitfuckio?" This was it, this was the fork in the spiritual road--heaven or hell, and it all depended on my answer.
"Mr. Jesus," I was a little shakey, "if you return me to my body I'll show you how much good I do on the earth."
BANG!
I'm back in my body, ass is a little sore but overall I'm in good shape considering the harshness of the rape the Boat People laid on my ass and genitailia.
And Jesus is right beside me. Smiling like he knows he'll be sending me to hell regardless of what I show him.
"Come with me Mr. Jesus, we have work to do."
We started out of the alley and headed back downtown--the conversation was interesting as we walked, Jesus told me about God's frequent bed wetting and addiction to small animals. I told him that banging a sleeping girl in the mouth shouldn't really be considered a sin--he couldn't agree more.
I was really starting to like the guy.
So we pull up to an old friends house and pick up an eight ball of cocaine, some Lucky Lager and Twizzlers. Jesus is a little perplexed about the Twizzlers, I tell him just to wait--all the answers are coming.
Next stop--a hooker. We found her passed out behind a methadone clinic, 17 maybe 18, nice tight little ass and some really cool looking track marks around her vagina. She's gold in my books--Jesus seemed to be impressed about my concern for her sorrow--I punched her once in the face and slung the tiny slut over my shoulder, cave man style.
The moment of truth, back in my apartment we rail some cocaine and tie the bitch up. Jesus is a hands on guy, he helped me every step of the way. She's waking up a little so he backhands her across the mouth and gives her one in the gut for good measure. I guess being the son of god gives you come kinda spidersense or something, because before I could even mention it, he was de-robed and swinging his cock around the sluts face. The whole room started to smell like flowers.
And then we fucked the bitch senseless for about three days, snorting coke the entire time.
When we finished we went out to a local bar to get drunk--I even talked Jesus into getting his cock pierced. After that we hit a tattoo shop--he got 'SHITFUCK' inked on his back, I got 'JESUS' along the length on my cock.
And then all the Boat People in the world were smote with an evil disease and they all died.
The End.
User Reviews
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-05-30 23:22:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
a classic
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-11-18 17:00:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this never gets old.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2004-09-28 18:30:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Next time someone says "what would jesus do?" my answer will be snort coke and tag team a hooker
Submitted by WiKi (user info) at 2004-09-28 18:10:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
JD, I miss you!
Submitted by Socialist_Joe (user info) at 2004-09-25 06:49:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that silly jesus
Submitted by tlozoot (user info) at 2004-09-24 18:56:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for this line: "The Boat People moved in slowly, afraid that I might stand up and cast an evil democracy spell on them or steal their souls with my camera"
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2004-09-24 16:41:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I steal kidneys.
Click below for proof.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/46028
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-09-24 15:06:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I was brutally raped by Boat People
Details here:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/45919
Submitted by Schwarzes_Glas (user info) at 2004-09-24 14:10:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for this.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-09-24 13:32:13 (#)
Ranking: 0
I understand what you're saying, but I don't really give a flying fuck.
I was brutally raped by Boat People
Details here:
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-09-24 12:56:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-09-23 21:02:27 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-09-23 20:41:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/45919
Fuck you fetpiss.
_____________________________________
Fetish, let's be adults here and not get into a flaming -2 spectacle.
You've been a dick lately, admit it. Actually you don't have to--you're just proving it by these goddamn retailitory -2 attacks on any user that refuses to bow down to your quasi-awesomness.
Let's be chums again, okay? Great.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2004-09-24 09:56:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"The whole room started to smell like flowers."
+-fuckin'-2 for the paranormal reference alone. Oh, that and Duck Hunt.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-09-24 09:52:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2004-09-24 09:51:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Another Instant Classic" Snuggles_The_Banned declared from Barts Basement.
"Will someone tell Bart to stop raping my ass???" He was also overheard asking.
Submitted by Timmah (user info) at 2004-09-24 09:31:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Only a +1 because the title should be, Myself and Jesus or Jesus and I.
Oh fuck it I loved the story so much +2 anyway.
Submitted by WiKi (user info) at 2004-09-24 09:09:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-09-23 20:21:43 (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm falling in love with a girl named Mary.
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SCORE!!
Submitted by Spuds002 (user info) at 2004-09-24 02:11:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you sir are an evil sinner who should repent. or somthing, yeah.
jesus is the man to hang with.
Submitted by Awko (user info) at 2004-09-24 01:54:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No comment needed.
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-09-23 22:49:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
As gold as the lining of my clitoris.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2004-09-23 22:13:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are sooo going to hell. But if I can't laugh at my own religion, what kind of person would I be. Your stuff always cracks me up.
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-09-23 21:57:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your posts are pretty much all I read when I come here now.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2004-09-23 21:35:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Me and Jesus. Coked. Tag-team. Hooker.
you could have just typed that for a +2
pure fucking brilliance
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-09-23 21:02:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-09-23 20:41:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/45919
Fuck you fetpiss.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-09-23 20:53:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Mommy, why does Jesus get to do all the cool shit?!
Submitted by SlipKnot at 2004-09-23 20:50:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
what sick story. you show little respect for what others believe in.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-09-23 20:49:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love you shitfuck.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-09-23 20:21:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm falling in love with a girl named Mary.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-09-23 20:00:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-09-23 18:58:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There's no way this shouldn't be a perfect +2.
Submitted by WiKi (user info) at 2004-09-23 18:48:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I fucking love you.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2004-09-23 18:22:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This made me so happy, I just raped a baby, threw it in a dumpster, and lit it on fire. Then I had a Dr. Pepper.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-09-23 18:19:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Jesus just called me up, we're going out to gt fucked
Submitted by Gnome (user info) at 2004-09-23 17:21:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 even though you repeatedly hate my shit. but it's an honest hate as mu shit sucks. this, however, is not shit.
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2004-09-23 16:46:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-09-23 15:22:34 (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't give a fuck about the rating, I just want to piss off some real nice christian folks
---
Therein lies the beauty of shitfuck. Nice post in a surreal sort of way.
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2004-09-23 16:42:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Classic shock humor...could have developed the characters a little better.
What was Jesus thinking while fucking the passed out hooker?
Did you use the Twizzlers to snort the coke?
Does Jesus have a cross-shaped cock for her pleasure?
Come on man! God is in the Details!
Submitted by Nobb (user info) at 2004-09-23 16:40:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by po0x (user info) at 2004-09-23 16:37:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
sweet. boat people rock
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2004-09-23 16:31:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn! I could have used that nasal contraption
five years ago.
Submitted by ferrisbeuller (user info) at 2004-09-23 16:05:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Does Jeses have a big wang?
Submitted by KoolMang (user info) at 2004-09-23 16:01:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-09-23 15:48:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's not really blasphemy if I'm Jewish, right? RIGHT?
Submitted by engine13 (user info) at 2004-09-23 15:46:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shouldn't it be: Jesus & Me tag teamed a hooker while coked up? I mean you never said the hooker was coked up in the story, just you and Jesus.
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2004-09-23 15:41:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If shitfuck gave a damn about ratings, well, shit he just wouldn't write something like this...
B@W? I want to see something like this broadcasted to the masses.
Submitted by hyprspacd (user info) at 2004-09-23 15:40:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Duck Hunt
Nice.
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2004-09-23 15:29:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-09-23 15:24:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
shitfuck: patron saint of awesome
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-09-23 15:22:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't give a fuck about the rating, I just want to piss off some real nice christian folks.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-09-23 15:19:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2004-09-23 14:55:25 (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't think this could be more blasphemous or awesome.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2004-09-23 15:18:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I AM A DUMBASS
I MEANT TO +2
I REPEAT I AM A DUMBASS
THIS ROCKS
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2004-09-23 15:17:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Gold
Fucking Gold
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-09-23 15:11:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Perhaps in the afterlife, this will be the straw that broke the camel fuckers back and send me straight to hell.
One can only hope.
Submitted by gibberish (user info) at 2004-09-23 15:11:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-09-23 15:10:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Right now sirens are going off in the Vatican.
Submitted by Vermin (user info) at 2004-09-23 15:09:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking masterpiece and tour de force rolled into one. I am weeping at the beauty of this post.
Submitted by bargled (user info) at 2004-09-23 15:03:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
bored at work
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-09-23 14:58:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You never fail to deliver.
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2004-09-23 14:55:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit this was a great post. You should come here more often.
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2004-09-23 14:55:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't think this could be more blasphemous or awesome.