Deep Water Dreams - 10 (1009 hits)
Category: Science & EnvironmentalRating: 2 on 25 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by SilvrWolf (View user info) at 2004-09-23 21:33:03 EDT
<Ubermadness and a hectic schedule has slowed these installments down a bit, but they're still coming. I intend to have the second draft (up to the current chapter) of this story up on my website within the next few days. The link will be posted with the next post.>
Part 1 - http://www.ubersite.com/m/41854
Part 2 - http://www.ubersite.com/m/41987
Part 3 - http://www.ubersite.com/m/42645
Part 4 - http://www.ubersite.com/m/43424
Part 5 - http://www.ubersite.com/m/43593
Part 6 - http://www.ubersite.com/m/43668
Part 7 - http://www.ubersite.com/m/43919
Part 8 - http://www.ubersite.com/m/44057
Part 9 - http://www.ubersite.com/m/44930
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The shock spun Bill's mind in and out of consciousness. When his mind would drift from reality, he had to relive those nights in the water in WWII.
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The torpedo crashed without warning into the side of the Indianapolis, slamming cox'n Foley into the bulkhead. He clambered to his feet, half-dazed, and watched the fireball consuming the midsection of the ship blossom into the sky. The ship was already listing so hard he could barely maintain his footing when the call to abandon ship came. He struggled along the deck to find a life vest, the blood steadily trickling from the small gash above his left temple. He glanced around the inferno that was once his ship, and leaped over the side into the sea.
When his body hit the water, the combination of fuel and seawater instantly seared intense pain through the laceration on his head. The sudden pain made him inhale sharply, sucking in a mouthful of bitter, oily water. He choked and gagged on the thick fluid invading his lungs. Instinctively, he pulled the cord to inflate his life vest and his oxygen deprived body shot to the surface. When his head broke from the sea, he gasped futilely for air, purging what seemed like gallons of water in the process.
Getting his first full breath of precious oxygen, the first sound to reach his ears was the screaming. A seemingly endless cacophony of chaos, the voices of hundreds of dying men rose into the night. The sounds of bodies plunging into the ocean punctuated the cries of his injured and burned shipmates. Familiar voices yelling familiar names were barely discernible through the hysteria of the moment. The ocean breeze blew a hot wind into Bill's face at the same moment he heard the sound of the fire.
He opened his clenched eyes to the orange glow of the inferno overwhelming what remained of the Indianapolis as it sank under the sea. It spread hungrily across the fuel-slicked surface, consuming screaming men along its path, and it was spreading directly toward him.
---
Bill raised his head from his flotsam life raft to the gentle breeze of the night ocean. The storm had passed and a half-moon hung high overhead, framed by the dark curtain of the starlit sky. A dull lunar light glittered across the surface, illuminating the few remaining pieces of the Deep Ocean II. His brain operated purely on survival instinct as he reached for a piece of debris he could use as a paddle. He collapsed back on to his makeshift boat when his hand closed around the plank of wood floating close to him. The fabric of his reality fractured into the flashbacks of that night.
---
The fire closed on him like a hungry behemoth. Raw fear replaced the blood in his veins as he swam as hard as he could from the pursuing conflagration. In his blind panic, Bill clambered over injured and flailing men, with no concern for their imminent demise. He pushed debris and grasping, desperate shipmates out his way, using them to propel him further from the
firestorm.
A seaman locked his hand on Bill as he swam by. His grip was unbroken by Foley's attempts to free himself. Bill looked back as he struck at the man and noticed the fire had stopped its pursuit. The ocean water smelled clean in his nostrils and no longer held the tainted stench of fuel. He grabbed the distraught shipmate and pulled him close to his face. In the dull orange glow of the fiery night, Bill didn't recognize the young yeoman. The sheer terror in his eyes reflected the all-too-sudden intensity of the events of the last few minutes. The putrid smell of burned flesh crashed into his nose. The man's grip loosened as his body went limp in Bill's hands.
He kicked away from the dead seaman's body and continued to swim from the carnage. The night's symphony of terrible screams had waned as the fire consumed all it could. The random moans and cries of survivors now shattered the dull roar of the dying inferno. Hundreds of men were still strewn across the water in front of him, all with the same intent as he; get away from that horrible position.
A hard bump sent thundering pain through his thigh and a swirl of current spun him around in the water. He snapped his attention to his immediate surroundings. The sound of eddying water and the faint glimpse of a fin slicing the surface as it submerged focused his vision to stunning clarity in the dim night. He pulled his legs up tight against his body. At the very edge of his vision, in the direction of the fin, a scream ripped into the night. The frantic call of "Shark!" was beginning to sound from locations all around Bill.
---
He raised his head to the silent night once again. The sea lapped gently at the sides of his flotsam boat. Bill pulled the wooden plank from the water and dragged it to his side. His mind fought valiantly and vainly to keep him in the present reality, but shock prevailed and sent him spinning into the dark recollections of a night long past. He collapsed once again, and the mournful song of a whale emanated from deep below, vibrating through the piece of boat supporting Bill's limp body.
User Reviews
Submitted by mbstateside (user info) at 2005-12-12 14:33:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by NetProphet (user info) at 2005-06-21 17:17:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pretty spiffy there, boss.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2005-02-17 17:02:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/m/56904 - there's Chapter 11. I guess I need to get my ass in gear and get the next chapter up.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-02-17 16:46:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No more? Where are the goodies? Highly enjoyable. I guess I'll go to your site and see if there's more there. Good show!
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-02-17 16:45:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2004-10-06 14:58:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love this series. I just remembered it today when I saw your other post on the front page, so I had to go back and see the new installments that I'd missed.
To try and answer the questions you asked, I don't like reading about too many characters in one story and the ones you've introduced are more than sufficiently interesting to carry the plot. I'm so interested in the ones you've already created that I almost don't want to read about the rest of them. So adding more people could take away from everything because you should be progressing with the ones already there. I want to see everyone in the story eventually get together to accomplish whatever. It seems like they're all getting pulled to the same spot.
I agree with ETS (I think it was him) when he said that Karen should end up with the ultimate power. Maybe that would be too easy or predictable or something though. I can't wait to see what they're capable of.
I want the next part!
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2004-09-29 13:56:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thank you, Brown_eye. It only took me three days to get that out of you. That was all I wanted from the start. Does it always take you three days to learn something? I'd imagine that would be pretty frustrating, for both teacher and student.
My ego is fine. I checked like you ordered. He says "Hello," and, "Thank you for the hits." He's the one who loves his hits/ratings, and I lost all hope of controlling him years ago.
Thank you for your input. This exercise being finished:
Eat Shit and DIE,
SW
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-09-29 12:39:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brown eye,
Being that there are literally hundreds of users who don't write half as well as Silvr, it escapes me why you would choose to single him out... I could understand perhaps a zero, or a +1, as it is a matter of opinion, but come on! A -2!? Why? Until you can explain to me why you would advise others not to bother with this post or this series, when it clearly kicks ass, I will be forced to consider you a dumbass.
Don't get me wrong, I don't WANT to consider you a dumbass, since being a dumbass clearly implies that a person has about as much brains as my ass does...and since in the course of my examination of many many asses in my lifetime including my own has yielded no sign of brains within the ass, then one might be forced to conclude that you have no brains. Please don't get me started on the connundrum this would pose for me, because I would then have to figure out how a person with so little brains, none in fact, was able to even type...
Don't make me go crazy, Brown_Eye, don't do it!
Submitted by your_brown_eyed_girl (user info) at 2004-09-29 01:37:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Fine.
I admit, it wasn't an in depth critique. For that, I apologize. However, I don't think there is any amount of advice that I could offer you to save this ship from sinking.
Far be it from me to be above the attempt of helping out a fellow human being. Two tips that I can offer for the next inevitable disaster are:
- Learn how to use commas properly
- Don't write boring shit
I don't care if your chubby lover could stomp me shitless, I wouldn't be stupid enough to look at her face after getting that nauseating jiggle of a preview you gave the entire world, you classy gent you. Even you admit that saying things to her face takes quite the 'intestinal fortitude', which to me says that if I can look at her without shitting my pants in fright, then I deserve a pat on the back.
Also, check your ego. Ratings, hits, and time spent on the MRR mean one thing: shit all. Yet, if I "make it easier" for you being a reject from normal society, so be it, I was glad to help.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2004-09-28 17:01:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
brown-eye: Let's go to school, shall we?
Meaning of CRITIQUE:
[n] a serious examination and judgment of something; "constructive criticism is always appreciated"
[n] an essay or article that gives a critical evaluation (as of a book or play)
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Thanks, you vile, venomous angel. You don't give a reason that it's over-rated, therefore, it's just an opinion, not a critique. I was a little angry bastard when I wrote my first reply to you. I apologize for the name calling, but keep it up, please. Every time you respond, I get one more hit and one more trip to the MRR. You're only making this easier for me...
Oh, and if you really want to bring my girlfriend into it, you might as well know who she is. She is not the type of person who would refrain from stomping you shitless IF you had the intestinal fortitude to say those things to her face, but of course, you don't. You fuckers are a dime a dozen.
Quick! Duck behind your monitor so no one knows who you really are!
Once again:
Eat Shit and Live,
SW
Submitted by your_brown_eyed_girl (user info) at 2004-09-28 11:41:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
"Either read the entire series and give it a true critique (which I welcome)..."
Apparently, you don't. My true critique was:
OVER
RATED
Which is exactly what I think of this little 'series' of yours, the 'Die.' was just a little touch of personality for flavor.
Was this too short for you? Does this not constitute a "true critique"? I was under the assumption that voicing my opinion on matters of how shitty I think your writing is in a clear and consise manner was courteous of me. Would you like me to add more? Okay, how about this:
Don't quit your day job.
How about this?
Instead of writing Deep Shitty Dreams, keep posting pictures of your fat wife's droopy ass tits.
Still not enough?
When given genuine criticsm, protect your ego by making jokes that reveal your paedastric nature.
Again, -2 DIE.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2004-09-27 12:50:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Brown_eye: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Still pissed about that cracked pelvis all those years ago? I said I was sorry about that. Just come on over here. You and good ol' Uncle Wolfie can play that "special" game we used to play. Your daddy always told you to keep it in the family...
Goddamnit! Now look. I had to go and act like an even bigger tool to counteract the gargantuan, pulsing, infected, syphilitic cunt that you chose to be. Rest assured that I WILL die, just not when you wish it, cum-spittoon.
Either read the entire series and give it a true critique (which I welcome), or just stay the fuck off my posts. Or not. Better yet, jump back and forth to see if I've responded to you, then respond back, over and over. I like hits, and, as if it mattered, you couldn't possibly give me enough -2's to bring my rating down as far as yours.
Eat Shit and Live,
Uncle Wolfie
Submitted by your_brown_eyed_girl (user info) at 2004-09-27 11:50:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Over
Rated
Die.
Submitted by PWNstar (user info) at 2004-09-26 21:05:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I cry when there isn't a new deep water dreams to read.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-09-25 12:05:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Furthermore, Silvr, I think a little of everyone should be involved at some point. Karen will stop being such a whiny pussy bitch, and when she's had enough of being pushed around will rediscover her powers of sorcery (which are only matched by the character she killed with Jen.) Even Jen's powers are subservient to Karen's true power!
Bill, should get into a serious of encounters with the creatures on the water, maybe, and acidentally find their one physical weakness, their cryptonite or silvrbullet, excuse the pun, that can be used against them when he assembles his killing team onshore. Of course he will have a hard time convincing some of those onshore that the earth is being invaded! Lots of scoffers who should be killed in a very brutal, 'I told you so', fashion! Fucking dumbasses!
I still want to be suprised, but I see lots of possibilities...
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2004-09-25 11:56:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-09-25 11:48:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Silvr: All this really depends on how long you are planning on making this thing. If it's a novel, you will definitely want to develop Bill's character a little more if he is to be a main participant in the action later. For some reason, I want Bill to kick some major alien/mutant ass! But his character has not been developed quite enough to do it.
Personally, I'd like to see you go back to the chapter that introduced Bill, and perhaps give his a few more rough-edged, gung-ho characteristics. I've wanted him to be a little more the type of guy who is fearless and unphased by certain dangers...maybe this could still be accomplished if he has sufficient experience while on the water facing the creatures...then when he finally gets to shore, he'll be a hardened, mutant-killing soldier ready to do battle. He should probably run into at least one or two more characters on shore, perhaps police or coast guard officers, or better yet the coroner chick! She could be not only a smart, sexy chick, but an ass-kicking, mutant killer as well!
As for the other characters....Karen, should, in my opinion, stick around till the end, but she should die in a heroic fashion as a sort of payment for all her inequities, especially in connection with her part in the murder of (sorry I forget her name at the moment).
Jennifer should die for sure, but not until late in the story.
These are just some of the suggestions I can think of at the moment. Whatever you decide to do, I can assure you I'll be there to offer my criticism. ;)
Happy writing! Oh, your discs should probably be there by now, too.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2004-09-24 12:21:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
engine13, ask and you shall receive.
Here is the link to the full series on my website as it stands:
http://www.dinguspc.com/wolvesden/deepwater.htm
I'll clean up the html a bit and make it more user-friendly in the next few days.
Submitted by engine13 (user info) at 2004-09-24 11:45:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't really have any specific feedback. I really like this series and it seems well thought out and well written.
One problem is that the nature of posting this on Uber makes the story sort of disjointed. There are three or four stories going on at once and it is hard to keep up sometimes due to the time between postings. It seems like these are background stories and they will all tie in together later. I'm interested to see what's happening with the two friends and the creature from the sea. I would love to read this in its entirety.
I can't really say who is good/evil yet, as the story has not unfolded enough. I'm trying not to make any assumptions.
I think there are plenty of main characters. It seems if you bring in anymore main characters it will get a little confusing.
Now that all said, I am definitely not a literary critic.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2004-09-24 10:16:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ETS: at first, Bill was just going to die in the shipwreck, only a little later. However, I really started to like his character, and at present my plans include his involvement in the unfolding main plot line. He still has to make it back to shore first, and I think you'll find that may be a tall order, indeed.
Now, after ten chapters, I'm at a point where I need some feedback from those of you following this series:
1> Of the current characters, who do you think is evil/good and who deserves to live/die?
2> Do I need to introduce more characters to the story?
3> Who do you feel will ultimately end up being the hero/heroine?
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I'd like to take a few lines and reiterate my appreciation for everyone's support. I have at least a hundred stories I've started and never could keep my mind focused enough to continue them. Your feedback and criticism of this series have kept my interest in the story piqued, and for once, I plan to finish this one. Thank you, everyone.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-09-24 08:23:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
okay. now i have to go back and check out the others!
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-09-23 23:11:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This part is good development on Bill's character, but it's importance and necessity can be won or lost in the ensuing chapters. At this point as a reader I am left to wonder what connection Bill has personally with any of the other onshore characters... Is there any at all, or is he an arbitrary witness to the strange events taking place with what I can only suspect are highly evolved oceanic creatures/gods/aliens.
Not to influence the story in any way, but, as a reader, I want to see Bill make it back to shore and aide in the destruction of the creatures somehow...
Glad to see you post again...please keep it up. Your readers are still here with you!
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-09-23 22:31:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2004-09-23 21:54:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And another.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2004-09-23 21:54:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This series keeps getting better and more involved. I'm serious when I say you should consider drafting this as a novella or screenplay.