I Met A Man, He Told Me.. (443 hits)
Category: UberMadness! EntryRating: 2 on 1 review (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Evan Greene <ScoutCJustice.at.aol.com> (View user info) at 2004-09-24 01:38:35 EDT
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I met a man, he told me that the world was going to end. "The end is near," was the exact phrase I believe.
I meet this man everyday on my walk to work. He is rooted on the same plastic crate, which is rooted to the same street corner, always preaching to those that will listen. Generally, I do not heed his warnings, and I continue on, as do all those that surround me.
Today, however, I watch through my office window as the skies turn to the color of blood and the sun turns black, as I watch the gathering clouds rain fire and brimstone on the wailing masses below, as I watch existence as I know it crumble around me, I cannot help but wonder if the man on the corner was on to something.
I leave my desk and head for the stairs, noting the "Take stairs in case of fire" sign on the elevator. I think the apocalypse would qualify as a fire, and no one wants to spend armaggedon stuck in an elevator. Now, maybe if Lisa from down the hall had been on the elevator I might have hopped on board. I wouldn't mind spending my last few moments on this Earth stuck in an elevator with her. But I didn't see her as I made my way to the stairwell. I only saw those two guys by the water cooler that never seem to do any work. Any time of day, those two are there talking about anything and everything. I'm sure that today their conversation was more interesting that usual,
"Hey Bob, how 'bout that apocalypse?"
"I know what you mean Ted. I'm glad I parked my car in the garage today because that fire and brimstone would be hell on the paint job."
Or something like that. I didn't stick around to find out.
As I exited the stairwell I couldn't help but notice a nice pair of legs walking past. Of course, those legs belonged to Lisa and, of course, she was coming out of the elevator. The fact that she made it to the ground meant the elevator didn't get stuck, which makes the previous fantasy kind of a moot point, but it appears as though the apocalypse isn't without its share of irony.
As I looked out the lobby windows I saw that the downpour of fire and brimstone had been reduced to a light sprinkle of fire and brimstone. However, the reduction of fire and brimstone came hand in hand with a swarm of locusts, but glorified grasshoppers don't scare me so I ventured out the door.
Muscle memory dictated that I head east out the door, as that was the direction I always turned to go home. There probably wasn't going to be a home to return to, what with the apocalypse and all, but my feet had made up their mind so in that direction I went, happily crunching locusts underfoot.
After passing a few blocks, I saw the man that had envisioned all of this. He was no longer standing on his crate, as he no longer needed to preach the word. What he had been saying was fairly self-evident by this point. Instead he was sitting on his crate, like a king upon a throne, peacefully enjoying his remaining time. He was wearing a grin. The kind of grin one wears when "I told you so," just doesn't do justice to the given situation. I had the sudden urge to approach the man, to congratulate him on knowing what so many others had not. So I did.
"It would be an honor to shake the hand of the man that knew this was coming," I said, extending my hand to the man.
"Thank you, but I would have preferred attentiveness before it happened rather than congratulations after," He said as he took my hand, "All too often people do not heed advice until it is too late."
"Isn't that the truth," He was wise indeed I thought to myself. "Since you seem to be so wise, would you mind telling me what judgment day this is? As in which religion is the 'right' one, so to speak?" I said, making quotations with my fingers emphasizing the word right.
"None of them are 'right'. This isn't caused by religion." He himself emphasizing "right" with quotation marks.
"So this isn't the Christian God or Shiva or some other god destroying the planet?"
"Nope," was the simple reply.
"Then what is causing this?" as I stated the obvious question.
Then the man told me something I did not expect, uttering just one little word.
"Fluffy."
And Upon that utterance the world cracked asunder, and Earth ceased to be.
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Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2005-01-16 12:18:15 EST (#)
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