Die Quickly (1958 hits)
Category: UberMadness!Rating: 0.59 on 137 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Uber Madness 2004 (View user info) at 2004-09-24 03:00:45 EDT
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Entry 1
Sven and Little Jerry were ordinary chickens. They lived each day cooped up in their cages, forced to interact and lay eggs for the common good of man. They were happy with their lives overall, oblivious to what could have been under different circumstances. They loved to sing songs about their cages, and tell tales of heroes who were brave enough to ask for second helpings of cornmeal. They were very popular amongst their peers, and rightfully so courtesy of their rapier wit and charm.Sven was a cocky loudmouth with a huge ego to boot. She would taunt the roosters and cause them to crow in the dead of night. A prankster with a heart of gold, she would rather die than lose your trust. Her crony Little Jerry was a bit more reserved and often chose to speak when she had something relevant to add. They were a pair like no other, and often drew out the worst in the others. Jealousy can consume you, and that's exactly what it did to Roberto.
Roberto, to say the least, is an asshole. She was the middle child of 7 chickadees and was detached from her siblings. She has grown bitter over the years and often takes her rage out on those who don't deserve it, particularly Sven and LJ. Needless to say she looked constantly for dirty ways to get them into trouble. One night she had the audacity to proclaim to everyone that LJ and Sven partake in bird-on-bird action, which drew cautious looks towards the duo for weeks. This would be the least of Sven and Little Jerry's worries though...
Everyone in that hen-house knew that their day of death would come when their egg production halted, it was by no means a secret. The death bringer would come and take you to parts unknown, never to be seen again. Eggs around those parts were your livelyhood, however long that may be.
After a day of chicanery the ladies thought it would be a good idea to pick on old Roberto, unknowingly setting fire to their untimely demise. They started by making fun of her hilarious Spanish accent, which is topped off by the fact that her legs are seriously like an inch long. This made Roberto defend herself with a quick jab about their sexuality. Sven recovered instantly with the point that Roberto was involved with a cat at one time, to which Roberto claimed that she thought he was dashing and couldn't help lusting for him. This caused an uproar amongst the group, and total embarrassment for Roberto. She quickly withdrew from the conversation and began plotting her revenge.
Even though Roberto was despised, she had more power than anyone. Her father was a prized cock-fighter in Spain and was heralded as one of the greats alongside legends such as Jammin' Johnson and the power-hitter Stubby McTenderdeath. She was going to live long after she stops having babies, and she knew that Sven and Little Jerry would see their end upon her request.
Roberto set her plans into motion on a late Sunday night. She gave the dog Bandit a helmet rub in exchange for his services. The plan was that he would topple LJ and Sven's egg baskets and eat the remains to hide the evidence, surely fooling the death bringer into believing that their services were no longer needed. Hours of planning were involved, ultimately returning to another helmet rub for Bandit. Roberto has got to have rabies and a few sex diseases after that one.
Bandit performed his task perfectly, taking out both of their baskets and slurping up the remains. Sven and LJ awoke to a sight that would numb their bodies, and cause one of the greatest catastrophe's in the history of chickens.
Sven: I don't know how you did this Roberto but don't you think this is a little much? You know the death bringer will surely come for us now! I bet you managed to pleasure the dog while you were planning this also, you always were eyeing him down.
Roberto: Bandit has nothing to do with this! All I have to say is that you guys never gave me a chance. All I ever wanted to do was interact with your guy's little click, but you always shunned me for being too opinionated. I tried and tried to no avail to at least be civil, but you wouldn't have it. I had to become hateful and mean. Thanks a lot. I hope you die quickly so you don't get the chance to reflect on any joyous memories you might have had, and that you burn in hell with it's wide open plains of KFC and strip malls.
Sven: What the hell is a KFC? Whatever, I hope you know that was the biggest whinefest i've ever heard in my life. You're gonna die eventually and you better believe me and LJ will be there to shove our beaks up your ass! Right LJ?
LJ: We're going to die Sven! I don't want to die!
At that moment the death bringer appeared, and instantly noticed that empty baskets of Sven and LJ. LJ and Sven pleaded their cases to deaf ears. "Looks like it's time to put you two out to pasture" the death bringer stated. He took hold of their cages and slowly walked them out of the other's lives forever...
As LJ laid headless before Sven, she finally realized that this was going to be the end of the road. The death bringer didn't turn into Jesus and take them to heaven, they were beheaded on a log by a large wooden and steel axe. She stiffened as the death bringer coiled his fingers around her throat, slowly inching her towards the chopping block...
Her last thoughts were about her father. Proudly standing upon an iron gate, jutting his neck further into the sky. His feathers glimmer from the sun, and his eyes have just the right amount of green to accentuate the earth. She saw him looking upon him from heaven, slowly nodding his head in approval. No father could be more proud of their daughter at that moment...
- VS -
Entry 2
Garett kicked at the stone, idly watching it sail into a nearby sandy gully. The heads-up display on the inside of his helmet flashed briefly as the Sergeant opened a private com-link."Quit fucking around, IVS. We don't want to attract any undue attention." Was he serious?
"Uh, I hate to point this out, but we are in the middle of a desert somewhere in bumfuck China with nothing but dirt and rocks for miles. Just whose attention am I attracting? The Chinks have some hidden cameras out here, making sure nobody swipes their pebbles?"
"You better learn some fucking respect, boy." Came the snarling reply. "The recon boys say there is some kind of facility out here and it's our job to find it and get it targeted for a groundstrike. So if you, or any other fucking IVS piece of shit, want to try to fuck up this mission in any way, shape or form - keep in mind that I am the one with the activation codes for your collars. You savvy, little doggie?" He cut the com-link.
"Little doggie? Fuck you." Muttered Garett to the inside of his helmet, absent-mindedly fingering his IVS collar through the thick beige fabric of his combat suit. The dull-grey metal band was standard issue to all IVSs (Involuntary Soldiers); essentially nothing more than a compact explosive device that could be detonated by remote. Not strong enough to damage much nearby, but quite capable of rupturing the human neck it was wrapped around.
The IVS Program was the brainchild of US Department of Criminal Administration back in the 'forties. By around 2030 the US economy was languishing in deep depression as a result of its involvement in a series of protracted and expensive conflicts early in the century. A burgeoning deficit, combined with the economic successes of the so-called 'Asian Tigers', particularly China, brought the once mighty US of A to its knees. Companies once referred to as 'American institutions' went bust and there were massive job losses across the board. The slums swelled and crime rates rocketed. Faced with unmanageably overcrowded prisons, death row inmates and lifers were signed up as IVSs. Why leave perfectly good murderers, rapists and thugs to rot in a government-funded jail when you can coerce them to fight for you? They were already as good as dead anyway.
Garett fit the profile perfectly.
Born in a slum in the mid-thirties, it hadn't taken long for him to join a local gang. His loyal service lasted for twelve years, ending in a violent firefight over some disputed turf. The police found him in a blood-splattered room with nine fresh corpses and two bullets in his abdomen. He was lucky enough to recover from his wounds, and as sole survivor of the shootout, was sentenced to death for his involvement. Young and fit, with a healthy case of xenophobia to boot, he made an ideal IVS candidate. Far better to have him die fighting a battle about which he didn't know or care, than to waste taxpayer money on a long death row queue in a crowded corrective facility.
Having cheated death twice, there he was - trudging through the parched, stony wastes of the Gobi Desert, clad in an obsolete combat suit, with a bomb around his neck and an asshole holding the controls. Fucking wonderful.
Garett opened a com-link to Gordon, another of the IVSs. He'd been some kind of businessman once, but when he caught his boss plowing his wife he took a golf club to both their skulls. Gordon could be weird at times, but Garett found him to be a bit more switched on than most of the other IVSs he had met.
"Hey, Gordon..."
"What is it?"
"I heard somewhere that we were at war with North Korea. Why the fuck are we in China?"
"Hydrogen."
"What the fuck?"
Gordon sighed in exasperation.
"Hydrogen. Look, it's a fuel, like gasoline, only it burns more cleanly and is very hard to make in commercial quantities. With oil and coal reserves running low, everyone is trying to find a way to produce it on the cheap. Once you can do that, you become the next OPEC. You will be the one holding the fuel technology, and you will have the rest of the world by the balls."
"Right." Garett paused, thinking, "And China has this?"
"No. But, like us, they are close. If we can get there first, we can probably drag ourselves up out of the shit-hole our country has fallen into. If the Chinese get there first, we will probably go from bad to worse."
"Gotcha. So they've got some lab or something out here, and we want to waste it?"
"It's likely. I heard our Sergeant talking about some underground facility earlier - I guess that's what we are looking for."
A small blue icon flashed on Garett's heads-up display informing him that Gordon had cut the com-link.
It had been about six hours since the dropship had deposited them in the desert when the Sergeant began transmitting on the general com-link frequency.
"We have discovered what looks like a makeshift landing pad. Fan out. Keep your weapons handy and stay sharp - we could be close. Stay in contact and report anything out of the ordinary."
Shaking his head at the volley of 'Yes sirs' and 'Affirmatives' that exploded across the com-link, Garett gripped his assault rifle and fanned out with the rest.
About ten minutes into the search, one of the privates reported in.
"Found something here; looks like a large block, mostly buried, about four feet by three. Transmitting video feed now."
Garett accessed the transmission on his helmet's heads-up display, just as the block began rising up from the soil, stubby gun barrels extending from its midsection. As the cry of "Turret!" rang across the com-link, the sergeant came online, urgency in his voice.
"Everyone get clear! Forrester, Nilsson - take it out!"
As men fled in all directions, the turret opened fire. Bullets flew like a swarm of angry metal hornets, mowing down the nearest soldiers, their dying screams piercing the general communication frequency. Meanwhile, two of the larger men in the company hoisted large metal tubes onto their shoulders, pointing them directly at the offending structure. Seconds later, a pair of rockets smacked into the side of the turret. The explosion reduced it to a twisted, smoking pillar protruding from an area of scorched rocks and earth.
Garett pulled up a casualty list on his head-up display. Four dead, three wounded, in a matter of seconds. No wonder they were beefing up the armed forces with IVSs, they needed as many expendable bodies as they could muster. He was wondering what the next move would be as the Sergeant started transmitting.
"Alright. Listen up men. Judging from the reception, we must be close, and you can bet your ass our little Chinese buddies know we're here. The plan is to find the facility, mark the area for an orbital laser groundstrike, call in a hypersonic dropship and get the fuck out of here. We will have about fifteen minutes to get clear once the groundstrike is called. Any questions?"
"Uh, yeah," began Garett.
"What is it IVS?" The com-link did little to mask the contempt in the Sergeant's voice.
"How do I call a groundstrike?"
"You don't, shit-for-brains. The Corporals and myself do. If we get killed, the small red transmitters are on our belts. You pop the lid and hit the button. Unfortunately for you, and anyone nearby, without our authorization codes for the timing system, the groundstrike will be triggered within about twenty seconds or so. Just long enough to peel off your suit, bend over, and kiss your soon-to-be-vaporized ass goodbye. Anything else?"
One of the soldiers came online.
"Sir, the ground over here is moving."
"Come again, private?"
"Some kind of gate is opening. I think I see a ramp. I'm counting three jeeps. Shit! I think they've seen me..." The transmission stopped abruptly, as a soldier on the far edge of the group crumpled to the ground.
With a mechanical roar, the jeeps came tearing up out of the ramp. They moved quickly over the rocky terrain, kicking up clouds of dust in their wake. A barrage of screams and curses leaked into the com-link, as men were shot and run down; Forrester and Nilsson loosed another pair of rockets. Almost simultaneously, two of the jeeps erupted into orange fireballs, one careening into several soldiers as it came to rest. Garett turned down the volume on his com-link, the near-constant screams were jarring his concentration.
Through the smoke from the wreckage, he searched for the third jeep. He spotted it just in time to watch it bear down on the Sergeant. Rather than dive out of the way, he stood defiantly, emptying his clip at the front of the vehicle. The windscreen shattered, and Garett saw the driver's body convulse under a hail of bullets. Instantly slowing, the jeep still possessed enough momentum to strike the Sergeant, launching him several yards before he landed, unmoving, limbs at unnatural angles. Before Garett could get a clear shot, the gunner on the rear of the jeep had toppled amidst a barrage of gunfire.
Garett pulled up the casualty list; the Sergeant, both Corporals and all but five of the other men were dead or seriously wounded. He looked over at the subterranean entrance just in time to see a hulking grey tank emerge. A flash of adrenaline flowed through his body, and he bolted for the Sergeant's prone form. No way in hell was he going to die by the greasy, yellow hand of a Chinaman. A pair of rockets flew towards the tank. It was rocked by the explosion but continued to advance, spitting a shell from its short gun-turret. The ground shook as it impacted, and Garett stumbled, before diving beside the Sergeant's corpse. It must've been a good shot - he noted three new names on the casualty list. He fumbled with the Sergeant's belt, finally pulling off a small red cylinder, clutching it tightly in his fist.
Another two rounds flew from the tank, Garett watched, mesmerized, as one landed directly in front of a running solider. Where a man once stood, now there was nothing but a small black crater, and a smattering of gore. The second round landed out of Garett's sight, he did however hear a truncated scream and notice one new name joining the casualty list.
Around the tank, a squad of soldiers emerged, perhaps twenty or so. Garett heard a thickly accented voice over a loudspeaker.
"American soldiers, you are defeated by us. Drop your weapons at the ground and give up. You will be coming with us for questioning."
Garett watched as the tank's turret swiveled - soon it was pointing directly at him.
"I repeat. Drop your weapons or you will be dying very soon."
Garett let his assault rifle fall to the ground, flipping the lid off the transmitter. He depressed the small red button and pulled off his helmet, throwing it down.
Miles above, a small satellite swiveled as power surged through its circuits.
"Fuck you, rice-picker!" Yelled Garett, "I'll die when I fucking feel like it!"
Entry 1:
Ainkara
Azriel
Badlands
bargled
Beer_bong
butterball
checkyourmail
comicbookguy
congo
corn_nugget
darko
Dirtbird
gibberish
GodLovesALittleLovin
hairycoo
humor_me
Ignore_the_Small_Print
Julia
kabigon
knucklesnelson
lessthanfour
MM_LP_Track3
munkeypants
Natsukau
NerfHerder
OneCheapGeek
Phallic_Cymbals
professorfuckface
Salmon
Siren
sparkle_pink
Spiral_Abraxis
Stabkill
stevie_says
strider
TigerLilly
tinactin
tlozoot
Tokerson
William_Q_Percy
WillZone
ZenVolador
Zhar
34 eligible votes (43 total) *
Entry 2:
AndyD
Anjie
apollo88
Arab
AshK
AshyLarry
b_badger
babydoll
Banga3386
BLITZKREIG_BOB
bob
Brdn_Nkd
cat_head
cexshun
Circe
cuberat
Disektor
Durae
EchoBoxing
engine13
evolydal
facts
FilthyAssistant
Fulcrum
FunnyAsCancer
gamma
Genko
girlreporter
GodChicken
Goshinga
Huber_the_Nose
hyprspacd
Impassive-Digressive
indoninja
jack11058
Jack_McCallum
JMG114
Judoka
Kaelic
Katja
krootons
LadyPlural
Loren1
maiorano84
Monarch
MouRNIngLoRY
mrwolf
Natalia_Everitt
omnifica
Oscar
potatomanjack
QueenAshlee
ralphmacchio
razmataz73
RkaDk2
Rooster
runninginplace
rurumon
salmonofdoubt
satchel
Seralena
shadow
SilvrWolf
sketch9
Skippy
Slovin
Smurfs
SPECIALk
Spooner
Spuds002
Stin
tech-junkie
Therighteouswicked
tidalfae
TonyMontana
Totally_useless
treblereel
wazzawazzayo
WiKi
Worm
Yes
YouLookLikeINeedADrink
Zoidberg
57 eligible votes (83 total) *
* Eligible votes are those made by users who had either (A) posted 3+ messages OR (B) written 100+ [lowered from 750+] reviews as of the beginning of the UberMadness! competition.
User Reviews
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2004-09-29 19:43:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Totally_useless (user info) at 2004-09-29 11:57:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by runninginplace (user info) at 2004-09-29 09:35:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I liked both. Shame one has to go.
Submitted by gamma (user info) at 2004-09-29 09:20:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by MouRNIngLoRY (user info) at 2004-09-28 21:07:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TonyMontana (user info) at 2004-09-28 19:17:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
entry 1 was so fucking stupid. i stopped reading that shit halfway into it.
i vote for entry #2. it was well-written and interesting.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-09-28 18:06:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Jo_of_the_golden_P (user info) at 2004-09-28 16:59:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I can't abide this blatant approval of the ubermadness death race.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2004-09-28 16:12:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2004-09-28 15:31:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
could have done without the racial slurs.
Submitted by bargled (user info) at 2004-09-28 15:06:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-09-28 14:35:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by cuberat (user info) at 2004-09-28 09:32:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by tech-junkie (user info) at 2004-09-28 01:00:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
way too long
Submitted by Skippy (user info) at 2004-09-27 23:14:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Author #2 at 2004-09-27 19:30:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You may be surprised, Jack... you may be surprised. Then again, you might not.
Out of curiousity, what did you think was wrong with my spacing? (I would like to correct it should I make it to the next round)
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2004-09-27 17:28:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
hard choice. #1 gets props for chickens.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2004-09-27 17:19:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I just re-read this entry, and I have to say this is only one of three entries I've read so far where I can't fucking wait to see who wrote them. Well, done, Author X.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2004-09-27 16:43:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
#1 is THE most fucked-up entry yet. I've printed it out and I plan to get drunk and re-read it. I bet then it'll seem so much more... something.
Until then, #2 gets my vote, despite the fucked-up spacing.
Christ, finally, another brace soul telling an actual fucking story in a story-writing contest. Very few of those so far.
Submitted by rurumon (user info) at 2004-09-27 15:49:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow, both of those were alot of fun. Had to go with number 2 because it has lasers in it.
Submitted by Zhar (user info) at 2004-09-27 13:04:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-09-27 10:54:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by satchel (user info) at 2004-09-27 10:49:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2004-09-27 09:13:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow... I want to read more of the future in entry 2... it was incredible. Entry 1 was good but now doesn't seem worth mentioning. +2 for both though, best contest I've seen so far.
Submitted by AndyD (user info) at 2004-09-27 08:07:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Arab (user info) at 2004-09-27 07:58:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by ralphmacchio (user info) at 2004-09-27 07:55:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-09-27 01:16:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Cute
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2004-09-27 01:08:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Natalia_Everitt (user info) at 2004-09-26 22:44:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Chickens pwn.
Submitted by Seralena (user info) at 2004-09-26 21:17:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Goshinga (user info) at 2004-09-26 20:33:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by evolydal (user info) at 2004-09-26 18:22:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by tidalfae (user info) at 2004-09-26 17:41:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-09-26 16:04:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Kaelic (user info) at 2004-09-26 14:20:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ZenVolador (user info) at 2004-09-26 13:47:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Both good stories. I would call the first one "good" and the second one "entertaining"
Submitted by Disektor (user info) at 2004-09-26 04:23:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Rice-picker.. teehee
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2004-09-26 04:03:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Rooster (user info) at 2004-09-26 00:16:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2004-09-25 21:43:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by YouLookLikeINeedADrink (user info) at 2004-09-25 20:44:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by girlreporter (user info) at 2004-09-25 19:55:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2004-09-25 16:51:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Ignore_the_Small_Print (user info) at 2004-09-25 15:29:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by gibberish (user info) at 2004-09-25 15:16:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Oscar (user info) at 2004-09-25 11:25:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I really liked number two, despite the references to the downfall of America.
Number one was ok, but that's all.
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2004-09-25 11:20:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-09-25 10:57:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by kabigon (user info) at 2004-09-25 05:55:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2004-09-25 02:18:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
And I loved how all the chickens had male names. God that was funny. Such an awesome entry.
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2004-09-25 02:15:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I loved entry 1.
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2004-09-24 22:44:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-09-24 21:25:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Fulcrum (user info) at 2004-09-24 21:18:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Tokerson (user info) at 2004-09-24 21:16:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
What an interesting life the average chicken leads...
Submitted by sketch9 (user info) at 2004-09-24 21:12:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
if there's two things i dont want to read about, its chicken's with male names and retarded military crap.
i have no problem with ordinary military crap. but this is the shit that some first year foot soldier dreamed up. And it caused me to unleash my unbridled hatred for it. It was a dumb story with no base in reality.
But i cant honestly vote for chickens named "roberto", can i? well... can i?
Submitted by Genko (user info) at 2004-09-24 21:02:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Slovin (user info) at 2004-09-24 20:41:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
As much as I enjoy a good chicken drama, entry 2 fucking rocked.
You racked up roughly 30 deaths there buddy, good job. Second mass killing post in a row.
Body count: 350.
http://tbd.yi.org/umbc.php
Submitted by b_badger (user info) at 2004-09-24 20:32:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by tlozoot (user info) at 2004-09-24 20:13:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Erm. Does the beheading highly personified chicken count as a death?
Submitted by tlozoot (user info) at 2004-09-24 20:08:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I almost voted for the second one because of the picture. Good idea but not at all well written. Entry 1 was pretty cool.
Submitted by butterball (user info) at 2004-09-24 19:58:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit....they were both excellent, excellent stories.
But the first one had me laughing the whole time
Sorry, Author #2
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2004-09-24 19:08:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I didn't like how all the chickens had guy names.
"Fuck you, rice-picker, I'll die when I feel like it!" earns big points for that particular story.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2004-09-24 19:04:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2004-09-24 18:53:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-09-24 18:41:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
it was a difficult decision... you both did very well.
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2004-09-24 18:39:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by MM_LP_Track3 (user info) at 2004-09-24 18:25:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-09-24 17:36:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2004-09-24 17:22:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I give entry 1 credit for not killing off any people. But there were some problems with verb tense agreement and using "click" instead of "clique" was an annoyance. Entry 2 was pretty creative with a decently developed backstory and good ideas about politico-economic development in the future, and was better written. 2 it is.
Submitted by salmonofdoubt (user info) at 2004-09-24 17:20:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-09-24 15:44:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Cool.
Submitted by Monarch (user info) at 2004-09-24 15:33:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Entry One: I laughed. Who gives chickens male names anyhow? But it was good.
Entry Two: Hey, good work here. More UM flash-fiction. And pretty well executed overall.
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2004-09-24 15:25:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm voting solely based on the chicken named Little Jerry.
Submitted by omnifica (user info) at 2004-09-24 15:25:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by humor_me (user info) at 2004-09-24 14:58:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Anjie (user info) at 2004-09-24 14:27:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by lessthanfour (user info) at 2004-09-24 13:46:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I hated these both.
Submitted by razmataz73 (user info) at 2004-09-24 13:35:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very cool story.
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-09-24 13:15:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by wazzawazzayo (user info) at 2004-09-24 13:14:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I believe we have a contender.
Submitted by Katja (user info) at 2004-09-24 13:11:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-09-24 13:04:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by engine13 (user info) at 2004-09-24 12:58:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-09-24 12:55:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked. A lot. And that IVS idea is fiendishly clever. It has some problems, but... Good stuff.
Submitted by strider (user info) at 2004-09-24 12:32:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
haven't I read this before?
"but when he caught his boss plowing his wife he took a golf club to both their skulls"
#1 was more creative. but the male names for female chickens was disconcerting.
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2004-09-24 12:23:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-09-24 12:14:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Azriel (user info) at 2004-09-24 12:11:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2004-09-24 12:08:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
oh by the way, the neck bands in entry 2 totally made me think battle royale.
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2004-09-24 12:05:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Smurfs (user info) at 2004-09-24 11:36:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
*sigh*
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2004-09-24 11:25:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Author 1 at 2004-09-24 11:06:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You think I didn't know that I gave chickens all male names Gnome? It's called comedy my friend, look into it.
Submitted by Gnome (user info) at 2004-09-24 11:01:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
no vote.
1: i don't care if you're calling them 'she', you still gave them all male names. that and i couldn't even finish the story.
2: i only made it to the fifth line when i saw 'chink' and didn't bother reading any further.
Submitted by treblereel (user info) at 2004-09-24 10:48:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I can't believe the overwhelming positive reception of #1. I thought that the story line sucked and was incredibly hard to read. It put up a weak fight compared to number 2, which was compelling and well-written.
Am I the only one that sees it this way?
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2004-09-24 10:40:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
these were both entertaining but I gotta give it to two
Submitted by treblereel (user info) at 2004-09-24 10:30:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-09-24 10:30:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Maybe I'm just tired, but the second one didn't hold my attention.
Submitted by facts (user info) at 2004-09-24 10:21:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
no competition.
Submitted by Julia (user info) at 2004-09-24 10:14:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Stubby McTenderdeath and chicken chicanery win over furtive hydrogen plants.
Submitted by cexshun (user info) at 2004-09-24 10:07:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
#2 was really good. Haven't seen much sci-fi in this UM. Props for originality.
Submitted by hyprspacd (user info) at 2004-09-24 10:03:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
well done #2
Submitted by AshyLarry (user info) at 2004-09-24 10:00:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-09-24 09:44:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
#1 is cute, but didn't make much sense.
#2 was pretty cool.
Submitted by WiKi (user info) at 2004-09-24 09:42:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2004-09-24 09:23:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Tough choice, but I'm going with #2 because the tense use was messed up in one.
Submitted by Huber_the_Nose (user info) at 2004-09-24 09:21:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by RkaDk2 (user info) at 2004-09-24 09:11:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2004-09-24 09:06:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-09-24 08:49:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Both of these stories fucking rocked my socks off!
Submitted by Judoka (user info) at 2004-09-24 08:49:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Dirtbird (user info) at 2004-09-24 08:43:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-09-24 08:26:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good writing.
Submitted by OneCheapGeek (user info) at 2004-09-24 08:23:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Spiral_Abraxis (user info) at 2004-09-24 08:06:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by cat_head (user info) at 2004-09-24 07:43:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Liked number 1 but number 2 - whoah! Insanely readable. Perhaps one of the best things I have ever read on here.
Submitted by krootons (user info) at 2004-09-24 07:27:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Author #2 at 2004-09-24 07:25:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Banga3386 (user info) at 2004-09-24 07:10:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
i want more of this story. this was a very descriptive essay of a beautifully horrible world. I want the next chapter
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I will probably do just that once the round is over. I really wanted to flesh this one out a bit more, but I didn't want to make my entry too long.
Glad you liked it.
Submitted by babydoll (user info) at 2004-09-24 07:19:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Banga3386 (user info) at 2004-09-24 07:10:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i want more of this story. this was a very descriptive essay of a beautifully horrible world. I want the next chapter
Submitted by Worm (user info) at 2004-09-24 07:03:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Two superb entries. Both creative and well written, 2 was a bit more fleshed out and dramatic. 1 was creative and witty.
Kudos to both of you for writing phenomenal pieces, but my vote goes to number 2.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-09-24 06:33:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2004-09-24 05:53:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Natsukau (user info) at 2004-09-24 05:46:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2004-09-24 04:49:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sven is a guys name, I stopped reading there. Hope Story one didn't get any better.
Submitted by Therighteouswicked (user info) at 2004-09-24 04:46:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by checkyourmail (user info) at 2004-09-24 04:23:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2004-09-24 04:16:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
number1- Livelihood, clique.(pedant)
but apart from that great use of the title in a non-predictable way, without mobsters and everything!
nuber2- Very well written, and entertaining, but not as original as the first.
I'd be happy to see either/both go through...
Submitted by Spuds002 (user info) at 2004-09-24 04:12:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
more death, you just can't escape it. althoug i think number 2 did it in a rather nice manner. kinda reminded me of starship troopers, but in a non bug sorta way. could make a rather good b movie.
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2004-09-24 03:44:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked both of these entries. It's a damn shame that only one of these people will go on to the next round.
Submitted by Salmon (user info) at 2004-09-24 03:26:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-09-24 03:21:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What kind of person would I be if I didnt vote for the story about chickens?
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2004-09-24 03:14:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-09-24 03:13:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2004-09-24 03:07:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So hard to choose.....
Chickens? Or a badass?