Where the hell are my CDs? (973 hits)
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Submitted by Michelle (View user info) at 2004-09-24 05:59:37 EDT
I call him up at work: "Have you see my CD case? You know the black one with all of MY CDs!?!?!?! I can't find it anywhere!"
In the same breath that I inquire of my CDs I also ask:
"Why the hell isn't there gas in my car?"
"What the fuck happened to the masking tape?"
"Are there any spare filters for the furnace?"
"Have you seen my passport?" "
"Nine volt batteries!!!! Where are they? I know we bought some!!!!"
"What time is the dog due at the vet?"
"Who comes and picks up our empty soda cans, and WHEN???"
In the middle of all my questions, he asks one thing: "What are you doing?"
FUCK BEANS MAN!!! You should know - read my mind - what was all that soul mate shit we swore only a few years ago? I am on a manic rampage. I started out looking for a certain CD. Now I'm cleaning out our house. Top to bottom, I am kicking ass and taking names! PLUS, I STILL cannot find my music! AND I blame you!!!!
So I say, "I'm in the middle of looking thru the whole house for my CDs."
"Which one's?" He asks innocently enough.
"Uhmm..." (what the fuck does it matter, I think. I am frantically looking for my music and tearing up the house to do it, does that not clue you in that something is wrong by now?) "ABBA, Queen, Eminem, Nazareth...any and all of them!"
"Probably in Erynn's room" is his response.
I think to myself "We have now officially begun the blame game."
"Whatever, I'll just keep looking." (and looking and looking and looking)
All the while I am feeling so neglected. Like he should have sensed my vibe or some such bullshit and asked if I was okay. He probably knows the answer that's why he didn't ask.
Being a world champion blame gamer myself, I know, deep down in my heart that I am just looking for a target. He doesn't deserve it but I needed a live body to pin this on. I needed someone to blame for my wretched broken heart.
It always comes down to one thing these days. I miss my dad so goddamn much it hurts all the fucking time. It's like a punch in the gut when I think of him. I find myself avoiding people or occasions that would make me remember my dad. I've even been neglecting my very best friend girlfriend because her dad died about a month before mine and I know one of us will bring them up. I try to think of my dad less and less these days. Consequently I think of him more.
Whenever I try to get on a level state of consciousness with everyone around me, when I try and laugh or feign interest, I always eventually lose it. I cannot sustain these false emotions very long. Doing so leaves me vulnerable. Something will be said or for whatever reason I think of my dad and it hurts so fucking bad. So very bad, like I am cut in half. A part of me falls away and then I think to myself: "Well, I won't do that again or think that again or remember that again. Obviously, I'm not ready."
Then part of me, the part that is still aware and in pain retreats. It goes deep, so deep that no matter what I tell myself, no matter what Art says or what the kids say, I can't bring it back. The really shitty thing about it is THAT is the part of me that they need. I have denied all three of them access to THAT in me.
Ok, I'll admit, sometimes I try harder than other times. Sometimes I don't think I really try at all. There have been days, weeks even, that I am pretty sure I am not trying at all.
If I stay above or below the surface of full awareness then I am ok. I have done a lot of staying below that surface. I call it low tide. That's been the only thing that's kept me here and alive. I don't go out. I won't even get up. I usually don't even get dressed. I'd say I function at about half physically, one quarter mentally and zero emotionally. I've tried staying above the surface and bearing it. Riding out the high tide. Medicine, alcohol, medicine, alcohol, medicine. I stay awake, I get up, I get dressed, I even clean house. I joke around with everyone. I try to put them at ease.
Above the tide of being I make big plans and formulate what actions to take when/if/when the low tide comes again. I scold myself to no end, I make resolution after resolution to myself. I can't understand why no one here believes me when I say "I'll be okay now" or " I'm not going to let it happen again and this time I really mean it".
The looks of quiet resignation with faces that are masks of hope and encouragement. Thin masks, the masks of the innocent. These masks still hold some vestige of real emotion. They still want so much to believe in their mom. They are young, another 5-10 years of this and they will have mastered the ability to mimic any emotion for any occasion. I see the sideways glances they make - checking to see if mom is gonna make it through the night. Checking to see if they dare start up a conversation, if they dare ask anything of mom that might send her, yet again, down that slippery spiral of her mind into the far away place she usually dwells. Those looks of dread and queasy trepidation when they see me slide. They have been anticipating it, but they still seem so surprised. I may seem surprised myself, the 'when' of it cannot be foreseen. I'd like to say that I fight it. I'd like to say that I dread it. I'd like to say I am powerless to resist it. The sadness, the anger and the confusion in their eyes is unbearable they know. When they are forced to make yet another excuse for me.
You see, by the time the darkness comes I am exhausted from LIVING. I am truly worn out from the charade. I spend so much energy just keeping my eyes open. I do not have the stamina or endurance necessary to keep up my act very long. The truth is that when the darkness creeps over me I welcome it. I welcome the quiet, the stillness, the absence of being. All the days of forcing my mind to behave, 'breaking' my mind into submission as if it were an animal. Whipping it to trot, canter and gallop on cue so that I might appear 'normal'. Knowing all the while that, like a wild pony, my mind can't be tamed and would jump the fence if left alone.
Somehow, sensing what can only be explained as critical overload, I submit. I back down, I cower in fear of what could be known if only explored. Obediently, I lower my head, avert my eyes and I fall back. I fall away from my place in the lead. I willingly subjugate myself to this lowly, "also-ran" status. This basic "non-speaking-part" character is very appealing as it only requires me to breath in and out, intake food and water and eliminate waste. Only there am I free.
I try and lose myself to that place where my dad might be. I have so much to say to him and so much to ask. I'm pretty sure that this is because I have never really dealt with his death. I have kept my fury and abandonment issues to myself. I have never even acknowledged them to myself. In the meantime I have checked out of life, zoned out and away from any commune with the living. Earthly concerns really mean fuck all to me here. I am off on another plane of existence, yet nothing really exists here. The place where I dwell is still so far away from Heaven. Still so very far away. I may search for some time.
Hey, Maybe I'll find my CDs.
Michelle
User Reviews
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2004-10-20 12:21:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Who's your daddy?
Submitted by Heimdallsman (user info) at 2004-10-20 12:07:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good to see you writing, Michelle. I come back to uber every now and again looking for you.
We'll hook up on IM again some day. Hell, maybe you could even write me a letter some day!
Hang in there; I approve of you.
--HeimdallsMan
Submitted by yidele (user info) at 2004-09-30 12:47:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Be sincere - even if you don't mean it"
--Benny Hill
Submitted by blujnbbyqn (user info) at 2004-09-30 04:50:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hehe...
The 9 volts provide back-up power for all of our alarm clocks as well as every smoke alarm in the house. In the case of the smoke alarms,(all 8 of them)a shrill, piercing sound is emitted every 60 seconds if the battery back-up is low. It's an adventure all on it's own just trying to isolate the offending smoke alarm. Once I have completed my mission and identified the beeping, whistling bastard I must either A) offer up a fresh 9-volt as sacrafice to the smoke-alarm gods, or B) bang and pound on it with a ball-peen hammer until the un-holy chirping finally ceases.
Michelle
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-09-30 04:29:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
A better question is:
Who the hell still uses 9 volt batteries?
Submitted by blujnbbyqn (user info) at 2004-09-30 03:51:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I knew.
Michelle
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-09-30 03:36:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"Getting wasted and locking shit up inside you only delays dealing with the
inevitable AND fucks up your life in the here and now giving you the
unenviable taks of dealing with shit when you can no longer afford the drugs
you've to depend on."
wow... spot-on. who knew yidele could be sincere?
Submitted by yidele (user info) at 2004-09-28 16:51:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This sounds about par for the course, but it oughn't to be a very long course.
Unless you get yourself out of your funk in some fashion, and it is readily
apparent that you are verging on bipolar now, you can do permanent long term
damage to your psyche; depressive cycles can be addictive and can change the
way your brain is wired PERMANENTLY.
I'm not suggesting medication, because it never treats the root cause anyway
AND because it's just plain bad for you.
Getting wasted and locking shit up inside you only delays dealing with the
inevitable AND fucks up your life in the here and now giving you the
unenviable taks of dealing with shit when you can no longer afford the drugs
you've to depend on.
SO, what I am suggesting is a doing something that
exhausts you physically, gives a healthy outlet to nervous energy and
aggression, elevates endorphin levels and drives the contemplation of your
grief from your mind. No, it ain't house cleaning, either. Take up straneous
excersize that'll make you fall flat on your ass when you get home. Swimming,
jogging, martial arts, biking, digging dittches - whatever suits you; There is
no easy way to deal with loss, but you CAN fight depression with your own
endorphins.
Whatever it is you do, remember that your family needs you sane & that its
much easier to spoil than it is to fix. Oh, and smoke a joint or two in the
morning, if you feel like it & the weed is decent
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-09-28 16:00:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You know what you need to do -so do it.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-09-24 13:54:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
"...drinkin' my wine, makes me feel fine
gonna have me a holiday...
It's a holiday....it's a holidayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy..."
Submitted by MisterCeltic (user info) at 2004-09-24 10:47:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I lost my father 3 years ago, still have days where life doesn't quite seem right without him around. The only solace I found was in the fact we had such a great relationship; the day of his funeral I sat on my porch with 2 roommates and 2 close friends, I was the only one who had a positive relationship with my dad, most of them didn't speak, see, care about their fathers. How could I bitch about 26 good years with him when so few people had any good memories to speak of? I miss him and love him no less than the day I lost him, my dad was the best.
Take it easy.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-09-24 08:52:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
For Christ's sake, ABBA! You should be thanking the stars that fate took that crap away from you. Maybe someone in your family got so tired of hearing shitty music all the time that they threw that trash to the trashbin. (Sorry about the repeat I just realized every word started to begin with 't' and I had to keep it going.)
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-09-24 08:42:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.winmx.com
If we can't blame them for things that they are in no way responsible for just to make ourselves feel better then what is the point of having a man?
oh yea sex
that and I seriously cannot deal with it when the cats catch a mouse
plus I had a flat tire a few weeks ago and damn if I want to deal with that at 7:30 in the morning
or packing my own lunch
shit maybe I should be nicer to him
nah that would make him suspicious
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2004-09-24 08:37:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I was visited by the CD fairy lately myself. I cannot find my Live "Throwing Copper" CD, and I think the fairy repalced it with Candlebox! I do not remember buying or obtaining through any means a Candlebox CD.
Also,all my Korn CD's are missing, but the fairy is not to blame....I know its my ex-girlfriends teenage son that took those.
Submitted by blujnbbyqn (user info) at 2004-09-24 07:46:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Nope, I needs the CDs. That's all this little post was really about.
Michelle
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-09-24 07:39:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Those CD's you're missing...They will be doing you a favor if you don't find them. Eminem? Ugh.
Submitted by blujnbbyqn (user info) at 2004-09-24 06:55:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yes Tuesday - I died. This is me speaking from the great beyond and boy is God pissed. You made the baby jebus cry.
Michelle
Submitted by blujnbbyqn (user info) at 2004-09-24 06:52:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Couple a comments -
-----------------------
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-09-24 06:36:43 (#)
Ranking: 2
Part A - http://www.ubersite.com/m/45940
Part B - Stay tuned.
Part C - Stay tuned.
----------------------
Please elaborate - I don't get it.
Fleadh - That would be my 16 yr old daughter's room and I don't go in there without a warrant.
Thanks for reading this.
Michelle
Submitted by tuesdaydelay (user info) at 2004-09-24 06:50:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Wasn't there a post ages ago, saying you had died?
I-i-i-i-is th-th-this a g-g-g-ghost?
Submitted by Fleadh (user info) at 2004-09-24 06:38:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Bet you havent checked that room cos you know he's right?
Submitted by blujnbbyqn (user info) at 2004-09-24 06:37:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
WTF? I'm not reading all of that!
Michelle
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-09-24 06:36:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Part A - http://www.ubersite.com/m/45940
Part B - Stay tuned.
Part C - Stay tuned.