I Wanted to Beat the Shit Out of This Woman (1014 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.38 on 25 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Stacey <woplover.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-09-26 00:15:10 EDT
I was out to dinner and I overheard a conversation that made me want to slap the crap out of some woman. She was a very pretty woman; I saw her when she and her husband came into the restaurant. Her brown hair was perfectly done in a stylish, short cut. She had bright green eyes framed with dark lashes. Her thin frame was clothed with designer material. Her husband, who had gray hair and was obviously much older than his wife, gave me and my husband a passing glance—with his non-wandering eye. That left-rolling eyeball of his made him a bit shifty automatically, at least in my opinion.
So I continued drinking my soda, as my husband also inspected the new arrivals. We both really enjoy people watching, that is, until with get bored with our victims. The couple sat down behind us, and began a conversation that made me want throw a fork in this dumb bitch's eyeball, so she could have one to match her husband's.
Woman: <sigh> "I just don't know what to do, honey. I mean, we prayed so hard for him to get through these times."
Husband: "I guess it is all in the Lord's hands now." I heard them order two ice waters.
W: "We did name him Daniel, because of Daniel's feats in the book of...."
My husband and I exchanged glances and listened closely, as this mother described the actions of her dumb-ass kid. Apparently, this kid attended a Christian school. He had gotten in trouble for smoking in the boy's bathroom (a cardinal sin in this school), and then he had gotten himself kicked out for stealing out of people's backpacks. The next part of the conversation was about all his girlfriends.
Woman: "And Daniel knows that he is not allowed to COURT girls at his age. Yet he does so. Courtship is only for the purpose of marriage, and he's not old enough for that."
I spit an ice cube across the table, and it landed in my husband's salad. We both laughed, and the couple behind us was silent for a minute. Dammit, I wanted them to go on, and I just fucked it up. No, wait, the stupidest comment was yet to come.
Husband: "And I know about the pot, Sharon. You know, that's how he got his hand chopped off by the boat propeller."
This time my husband spit something at me. Our eyes were tearing up from trying not to laugh. But I had to get up and go to the bathroom after this next comment.
Woman: "All we can do is pray, like we have been doing. God will take care of all of this."
I went running for the bathroom, and my husband sat there, looking like he was about to turn around and beat the shit out of both of those parents. Pray? That's all they ever did? How about parental control of some sort? Ever thought of that, you stupid broad? There was no talk of punishment, rules, or guidelines to give this kid. Hell, they didn't really even talk to him. And COURTSHIP? Who the fuck calls it that? From what these two parents said, they just continued to let Daniel run around, until he chopped his hand off in a boat propeller after smoking a joint.
I came back from the restroom, after my husband had paid the bill. He had done so quietly, so I didn't know it. I said, "Why don't we go, sweetie. God will take car of the bill."
My Husband: "Let us go court one another." My husband pointed to the signed receipt, so I knew dinner was covered. I began to wonder what retards were looming about the movie theater.
As we got up to leave, I glanced at the woman and her Prada hand bag, and I rolled my eyes. Perhaps she should pay more attention to her kid than how she looks. And I got a better look at the husband, who looked like he was dressed for a Sunday golf match. The couple, probably having heard our comments, just looked away. Perhaps they will be able to get a clue someday, and their son's other hand may be spared. Let's all pray for them.
User Reviews
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-11-01 09:58:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Shit, that's funny.
Submitted by strangeparadox (user info) at 2004-09-26 20:03:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hey thats my mom yer talkin' 'bout, Ims gonna gut you with my hook
Submitted by facts (user info) at 2004-09-26 19:19:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
WOO for people watching, or not.
Submitted by sixmilliondots (user info) at 2004-09-26 19:19:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
interesting, sounds like my parents. For the record I haven't got my hand chopped off by a boat propeller after smoking a joint.
Submitted by Diavolina24 (user info) at 2004-09-26 19:08:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA...Etc!!
Submitted by downerSTAIN (user info) at 2004-09-26 16:45:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
We need to start reffering to women as broads again.
Submitted by Unificators (user info) at 2004-09-26 16:23:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Waiter, I'll have a Cobb Salad and...how's the eavedropping tonight?
Submitted by User10030 (user info) at 2004-09-26 16:13:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why the fuck would he stick his hand in a boat propeller? well, if I may be so bold as to judge him based on his parents, he's probably a moron and deserves to be missing a hand.
Hmm, I just thought of something. This kid could get a hook where his hand used to be, and get a boat with some cannons, start drinking rum and get a parrot, and he could turn out to be a pretty cool kid.
Submitted by Rob at 2004-09-26 15:52:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha, gotta love those religious morons.
Submitted by ZenVolador (user info) at 2004-09-26 13:07:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I pray with my fists.
Submitted by tlovess (user info) at 2004-09-26 12:58:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Def. Durae. I love spit.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2004-09-26 11:11:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Humans and their damned crotch fruit. I tell you, the religious ones are the worst. You shouldn't have just smacked her; you should have forced their genitals into a boat propeller so they don't do anything else to litter our gene pool. Daniel's too.
Submitted by gibberish (user info) at 2004-09-26 10:27:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Everyone is an asshole except for the penguins.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-09-26 10:11:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So, is prayer kinda like voodoo?
Submitted by CaptainAmik (user info) at 2004-09-26 09:21:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Maybe if we pray, more +2's will come
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2004-09-26 08:32:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think this is a great story.
Is the whole spitting on each other thing part of you and your husband's courtship?
Submitted by project_nessa (user info) at 2004-09-26 01:35:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love this post
Submitted by Julia (user info) at 2004-09-26 01:35:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-09-26 01:25:51 (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by tlovess (user info) at 2004-09-26 00:48:00 (#)
Ranking: 0
Jeez, no need to be nasty, Rooster. Why don't you post something so I judge you?
+1 for this.
***
I thought the irony was hilarious.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-09-26 01:25:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by tlovess (user info) at 2004-09-26 00:48:00 (#)
Ranking: 0
Jeez, no need to be nasty, Rooster. Why don't you post something so I judge you?
+1 for this.
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2004-09-26 01:12:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
To all you people out there big on pray and so keen on Jesus, here's a little opinion of mine:
God has better things to do than use his super-dee-duper powers to answer your stupid trivial prayers. He's out there using divine inspiration to make great things happen. Things like cures for diseases, childbirth, true love, and longer lasting lightbulbs.
Submitted by tlovess (user info) at 2004-09-26 00:48:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Jeez, no need to be nasty, Rooster. Why don't you post something so I judge you?
Submitted by Rooster (user info) at 2004-09-26 00:35:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Shut the fuck up. So by overhearing a dinner conversation you already know how rhey discipline their kid? God, they call it courtship, big God damn deal. Someone needs to shove a fork in your eye.
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-09-26 00:33:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"I spit on your general direction!"
Submitted by Julia (user info) at 2004-09-26 00:27:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Yay for shallow judgmentalism!
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2004-09-26 00:20:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for girl on girl violence