Answers to Questions You Never Asked (984 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.45 on 17 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by sketch9 (View user info) at 2004-09-26 21:56:34 EDT
Hopefully I have learned to read. My message is being ignored because the title bothered Bart.
I hadnt planned on starting my post this way... but for some reason, when I typed "Answers to Questions You Never Asked" the first time, that message popped up on the top of my screen. I dont understand. But that is beside the point.
I'm here, I'm back (though I doubt many of you noticed I was gone), and I have something worth writing about. Unlike most Uber users, I only write when I have something that I feel like posting, not because I feel obligated to use up bandwith by writing useless shit every fucking day. Crazy concept, huh?
Now to the answers. Well, lets start with the questions first, thats how this shit works, right?
#1) Why do people have beards?
I first heard this question in a Dilbert book. Scott Adams wrote it. Why beards? Why do they stop at the neck? Why dont monkey's have beards?
Doesnt make a whole lot of sense, does it? Wrong. It makes tons of sense. Beards are to man, as manes are to lions. We have beards to protect our soft and supple neck tissue. We have beards so that when we arent hitting each other with rocks or excrement, another crazy neanderthal doesnt chomp on our juggular. Thick wirey hair really does protect more than you'd expect. Male lions have manes so that their necks arent as easily accessible to other male lions in a fight. Thats why we have beards. That's why it stops at our necks.
Why dont monkeys have beards too? I dunno... why dont tigers?
#2) Why do I think that supermodel is hot?
Because she has tits? Well, that, and other things. Beauty is measured differently in different parts of the world. You are all well aware of this. Being heavy set in Africa is a good thing. It shows that you have enough riches and power to get fat off the milk of your many cows.
Being thin and curvey, for a female, and muscular and defined, for a male, in America are considered attractive. This is somewhat linked to the fact that, if you have enough money, you can afford to look good. You dont have to go to work, you can spend your money on plastic surgery.
In Russia, or as it used to be, a larger woman would be picked over a smaller one, for the simple fact that she can have many children.
Dad-gum child bearin hips. Can't beat em.
But Why are they Attractive? They are attractive to you because it shows that they will be able to fully support your offspring, and have attractive ones at that. If you mate with someone attractive, chances are your kid is gonna be a looker too. If your kid is a looker, people are gonna wanna have kids with it. Physical Attraction is all about the prolongment of species.
In desolate parts of Russia, you needed to be able to bear a brood of kids for the simple fact that not all of them are going to make it. Those child-bearing hips are good things. They are attractive.
In Africa, if you can afford to get fat off of your cows, then your children will be able to too. They will most likely survive, and pass on their genes.
It's not really that there's a fundamental basis for attraction, or beauty, it's just the surrounding environment, and whatever will make future generations wanna fuck the brains out of your kids.
#3) Why are humans the only ones that destroy the environment?
We're not. How do you define "destroy"? I say we're changing the environment. We're creating a new one. But I digress.
Many people think that humans are the only animal that over uses its resources. What about locusts? They eat everything within miles, only to starve themselves to death when the food is gone.
What about destorying environments? Have you ever heard of alien or invasive species? Living around the Great Lakes, I've grown up hearing many many things about sea lampreys and Zebra Mussels. Two non-native species that are quickly destroying our fragile lake habitat.
How far do you extend your view of what we do wrong? Is building a house wrong, because it uses trees and gas, and sand for your glass? Or is it okay, because it's just a domicile. A dwelling. If it's just a dwelling, couldn't the same be said for a car, or an office building? You don't spend all of your time inside of your house, do you? Well, how much time do you spend in your car? I'd call it a dwelling.
If these things are wrong, then why arent we protesting paper wasps, that use valuable wood particles to make their nests? Or mice, for using whatever they can find to make a home? How far do you extend your definitions?
Why are humans expected not to behave like animals? Last time I checked, thats what we are. I'm not worried about the environment. Even if we nuke the whole god damned world, life will find a way. And that's all that matters, right?
#4) Why is the sky blue?
I bet some of you know the answer. I'll bet the rest of you dont care. It's because light is filtered through the gasses, (mostly toxic and acrid gasses, or for that matter, flammable ones) in our atmosphere. The fact that there's a black background, and a limited amount of light makes the sky appear blue.
#5) How does Teflon stick to my frying pan if nothing sticks to Teflon?
If I'm not mistaken, when heated to a certain temperature, teflon bonds with other molecules, and sticks. When cooled, it becomes the non-stick crap that everyone loves/adores.
#6) How do I get past the Dragon Lord on level thirty two?
Use the power wand of Kadath, summon a ghoul for a distraction, and stop being such a fucking nerd.
#7) I have a stomach ache, what should I do?
Eat some saltines. It works. Pregnant women do it all the time.
#8) How did you ever come across all this useless knowledge?
I had to learn something in high school, didnt I? Besides, I retain dumb shit like a fat bitch retains "water".
#9) How bout them lions?
How bout em? God damn Eagles.
This is the best picture I could find for "Monkey Beard"
User Reviews
Submitted by drfeggphd (user info) at 2005-02-09 22:35:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i'm pretty sure native american peoples don't have beards.
and i do protest mice. otherwise, good job.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-10-27 20:49:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
no you were right about teflon
MyNameIsTim merely repeated your own words
only with less explanation
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-10-27 20:48:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Interesting and informative, but I couldn't disagree more about the environment."
then you're wrong
misled by the wailing
of funny monkeys who regret their birth
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2004-10-10 15:47:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Interesting and informative, but I couldn't disagree more about the environment.
Submitted by sketch9 (user info) at 2004-09-27 15:55:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ok... five is wrong... but i dont know a lot about teflon.
Submitted by Supreme_Overlord (user info) at 2004-09-27 11:28:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
#3) Why are humans the only ones that destroy the environment?
Greed!
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2004-09-27 10:32:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
very nice
Submitted by MaximusPadus (user info) at 2004-09-27 10:13:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 FOR THE PICTURE!
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-09-27 09:00:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
+2 - good article
-1 - # 5 is wrong
fusion welding
Submitted by krootons (user info) at 2004-09-27 01:18:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So beards do have a purpose.
I'm gonna grow a beard. Nobody will be tearing my juggular out with their teeth.
Submitted by tlovess (user info) at 2004-09-26 23:29:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
clever. +2 for sparing us bullshit.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-09-26 22:45:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU!!! I've been saying the bit about destructive species for years...
Submitted by Gnome (user info) at 2004-09-26 22:33:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good fun
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2004-09-26 22:10:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I started out expecting there to be a "Why are there Braille dots on the drive-up ATM" thing, but you have disproved my theory.
Kudos.
Submitted by sketch9 (user info) at 2004-09-26 22:09:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by mycathasnoteeth (user info) at 2004-09-26 22:01:27 (#)
Ranking: 0
that pic scares the shit out of me
-----------------
Why?
Submitted by mycathasnoteeth (user info) at 2004-09-26 22:01:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
that pic scares the shit out of me
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-09-26 22:00:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
My wife eats saltines all the time. That being said, I shall sing...
"David Bowie
David Bowie
David Bowie
David Bowie...
UB40
UB40
UB40
UB40"