Hurricane Dumbass (642 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.78 on 10 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Stacey <woplover.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-09-26 22:26:00 EDT
So another hurricane comes and goes, and this one produced quite a wallop of dumb-assery. That's a good name—we will refer to Jeanne as Hurricane Dumb-Ass. We have been through 4 now, and this one revealed yet the stupidest of actions. As usual, there was some idiot standing out in 70+ mph winds, telling us there was a hurricane. Nothing annoys me more that watching that idiot on every channel. Then zap—out went the power.
As Dumbass rolled up to Florida's Eastern coastline, her first victim was revealed. A man in Miami had the brilliant idea to go surfing. "Surf's up, dude!" Yeah, well now it's up his ass, and he went to the great big Water Enema in the sky. Never mind that over 1000 people in Haiti died from this storm. And all the rest of the overdone, yet truthful, footage from the last three hurricanes has been forgotten.
The next genius was a family man in Orlando. He decided to go out during the height of Dumbass for his electrifying shit-fest, as he hooked up his generator in the pouring rain. I guess he was trying to learn from the last couple who died because they ran their generator indoors. But when do you turn on your generator? Well, not then. So now he is with many other diesel-dwellers in a trailer bound for heaven.
So the storm moved west, ransacking a sewage plant in Clearwater. Announcements and warnings went out to everyone over the TV, the radio, the net, and if you didn't have power, by word-of-mouth. The waters in the area were already too high, causing much flooding. Adults and children alike saw this as great fun, and went for a morning swim. Dumbass had scattered actual fecal matter in the streets, but no one seemed to care. Not even human turdage could stop the fun. People had to attend the Fecal Ball, even if they did not have shit to wear to the dance. They swam in glee, in the cesspool that used to be Bayshore Boulevard. Listeria and Hepatitis A greeted them at the door, and everyone left with a full stomach.
Well, after the power had been out for a while, my husband and I got bored. We were hungry, hot, and annoyed. The winds had died down a bit, and we knew the Dominoes around the corner was open. So something else had to be—perhaps the library? We needed to do some studying and had to have a working computer to do some of it. So off we went in the Hooptie, fuzzy dice and all. We drove toward the library, hoping to find some AC. The doors were locked, so we turned around to go get some pizzas. Dumbass stuck again. A couple of pre-pubescent boys were out playing in the puddles—with skim boards. Yes, that's right. It was still raining, transformers were giving off blue lightning, and some parents let their sons Road Rash and Skid Mark go skim boarding in the streets. Well, in all fairness, I guess that the parents may not have know what the kids were up to, but these kids were following the Yellow Brick Road to Retardation.
Finally we just got our pies and went home. Thankfully, the power was back on, and we could go about our lives. I hear the Dumbass' sister, Fucking Retard, is brewing out in the Atlantic. We await the entertainment. At least I have the day off tomorrow.
User Reviews
Submitted by User10030 (user info) at 2004-09-27 11:25:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I love hurricanes, but the motherfuckers need to start hitting in the middle of the week instead of ruining my weekends. I love watching the news though ... hold on let me parody:
"ok folks, this is another fucking moron reporting for fox news, I'm now standing in front of what apears to be a downed power line ... hold on ... hold on, I'm getting something here [holding hand up to his ear, listening intently to the earpiece]... ok, Florida power and light has just confirmed that this is indeed a downed power line. So as you can see, Jeanne's power has already began to be felt along the Florida coast, as evidenced by this downed power line. I just want to take a moment to remind our viewers that downed power lines are extremely, extremely dangerous. Please, if you see one, do not approach it, just call FPl and they will take care of it."
Submitted by WiKi <im.at.toolazytologin.com> at 2004-09-27 10:47:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah.. Jeanne was a bitch.. we went tornado hunting and indo boarding.
The indo boarding was inside, of course.. but still.
We had fun.. even thought it was just a tough ass tropical storm by time it hit Jacksonville.
Everyone's out of power except me and my friend Kasandra.
Rock On.
Submitted by toddska (user info) at 2004-09-27 09:25:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Quasiplasmohedron (user info) at 2004-09-27 06:10:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by mxc_jwebber (user info) at 2004-09-27 05:57:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I think Fucking Retard is going to be a guy storm. They alternate male and female with every hurricane. Either way, Florida and the Eastern Seaboard better watch out for that Fucking Retard's massive drool floods and DERRRRRRRs which will cause hurricane-force winds. Prepare for the Short Bus.
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2004-09-27 01:31:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-09-26 22:33:07 (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought that picture was from some wild scat video at first.
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The post itself wasn't bad - but this comment made it so much better.
Submitted by cigar (user info) at 2004-09-26 23:14:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2004-09-26 22:57:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-09-26 22:33:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought that picture was from some wild scat video at first.
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-09-26 22:30:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Yeah, its not the post. I'm just a cunt.