Slip And Slide (487 hits)
Category: UberMadness!Rating: 0.07 on 41 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Uber Madness 2004 (View user info) at 2004-09-27 01:16:06 EDT
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Entry 1
When I was 8 years old, I had a dangerous fear of public restrooms. The root of the problem was because of baseball, whenever I had to use the bathroom during a baseball game, it was always when our team's cleanup hitter was up and my father made me hurry it up in the vile and wretched stadium stalls. If you ever wanted a sneak peak into what Hell would be like, go into a stadium's bathroom: Everyone faces the wall and everyone keeps their heads down, replace the smell of fire and brimstone for old beer, urine and shit then make it really humid. Ok, I lied, Hell would be more of a dry heat, but you get the idea.This fear of restrooms came to its climax when we went on a family outing to the water park. Water Parks are cesspools, they are full of little brat assholes who didn't bathe the previous day or week because they knew they were coming to a waterpark which when you are a kid is an all day shower. I was one them, having not taken a bath the previous week, I was as happy as a dirty stinky clam. Upon arrival, I enthralled myself in the wonderous slipping and sliding to be done. There was, that big slide on the left, the smaller ones in the middle, the raft one, those two big drop ones, they all had big scary unimportant names that I won't bother to remember.
Before even considering what slide to go down first, the sight of monstrous waves of water and the serene flowing sound of it all made an alarm on my biological clock set off a bit early: It was pee-pee time. A normal person would have gone right away, but I on the other hand new that I could dance this one off, shake the legs a bit and it would subside. It eventually came back again and it was time to go Michael Flatley on my bladder, but this time I couldn't muster enough man power to get my legs going fast enough to ward off the impending full on penal assault. But amist the chaos, the clouds cleared and bestowed upon me was a moment of clarity: The Wave Pool. I felt like Edison when he invented the telephone or when he discovered touching himself felt good (he has a patent on it).
When I entered the wave pool and did what needed to be done, I felt robbed. Others new of my discovery and were taking advantage of it too. There was nothing that could be done except stand in an enormous puddle of self-pity, sunscreen, chlorine and urine. I also believe there was some water in there too, but not enough worth mentioning.
One would think that would be the extent of my humility in such a dirty place, but no, it went a step further. I had been waiting in line holding a tube for this big slide. I was filled to the brim with anticipation, the sense of sliding down that immesureable distance while only being restrained was overwhelming. That is until another sensation became even more overwhelming, I thought I could tame it with dance moves matched only by Sir Bill Cosby and Fred Astaire combined, but alas, none would suffice, and it came. I dropped my tube and started to walk away casually towards the washroom when someone stopped me, "Are you going to leave that tube?", he asked. I stood in shame and replied, "Uhhhhhhhhh I gotta go, you take it". Then I ran all the way down the wood stairs, across the concrete inferno, past the hairy shirtless man, around bronze lifeguard, into the bathroom, into the stall. I sat down and began to contemplate the look on the face of the man who saw what I had done and I wondered, "Did he stick around after he saw the turd I laid beside that tube?". I bet not.
Number of men afraid of waterparks:
- Me
- Johnny McTubeStealer
Step Back.
- VS -
Entry 2
(10 bytes) [text/uberhtml]Entry 1:
babydoll
bargled
BLITZKREIG_BOB
cexshun
darko
Disektor
EatMeCompletely
evolydal
Herpes
hyprspacd
Ignore_the_Small_Print
Impassive-Digressive
indoninja
Ingsoc
jack11058
Jack_McCallum
Julia
lilbill87
munkeypants
NerfHerder
OneCheapGeek
runninginplace
salmonofdoubt
Seralena
SilvrWolf
Slovin
sparkle_pink
SPECIALk
Stabkill
stevie_says
strider
sublime
the_lone_stranger
tinactin
tlozoot
Totally_useless
WiKi
Yes
31 eligible votes (38 total) *
Entry 2:
bob
comicbookguy
2 eligible votes (2 total) *
* Eligible votes are those made by users who had either (A) posted 3+ messages OR (B) written 100+ [lowered from 750+] reviews as of the beginning of the UberMadness! competition.
User Reviews
Submitted by tlozoot (user info) at 2004-09-29 19:18:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Never get anywhere near a wavepool.
Submitted by Totally_useless (user info) at 2004-09-29 11:04:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Ignore_the_Small_Print (user info) at 2004-09-29 04:05:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Slovin (user info) at 2004-09-28 23:37:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Good post.
No death!
http://tbd.yi.org/umbc.php
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-09-28 19:59:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-09-28 18:44:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Ingsoc (user info) at 2004-09-28 18:10:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Automatic win and +2. Didn't actually read it. Must keep humans in the competition.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2004-09-28 14:37:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by WiKi (user info) at 2004-09-28 14:33:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by bargled (user info) at 2004-09-28 14:20:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by strider (user info) at 2004-09-28 12:38:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by runninginplace (user info) at 2004-09-28 12:04:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by sublime (user info) at 2004-09-28 10:33:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
entry 2 was up my alley, wait, what? aww fuck it.
Submitted by evolydal (user info) at 2004-09-28 04:29:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2004-09-28 03:20:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2004-09-28 00:49:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by OneCheapGeek (user info) at 2004-09-28 00:25:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2004-09-27 22:38:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2004-09-27 21:37:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
funnay
Submitted by Julia (user info) at 2004-09-27 20:14:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Laughing at the Michael Flatley comment.
Submitted by lilbill87 (user info) at 2004-09-27 19:44:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2004-09-27 19:38:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Jesus.
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-09-27 19:01:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Seralena (user info) at 2004-09-27 18:52:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by salmonofdoubt (user info) at 2004-09-27 17:59:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by hyprspacd (user info) at 2004-09-27 17:50:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I actualyl laughed
Holy crap.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2004-09-27 17:46:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2004-09-27 16:11:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2004-09-27 15:34:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by cexshun (user info) at 2004-09-27 14:45:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2004-09-27 13:57:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by babydoll (user info) at 2004-09-27 11:05:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-09-27 10:05:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
eh
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-09-27 08:31:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
FORFEIT:(
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2004-09-27 04:48:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
There. I read all the forfeits.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2004-09-27 03:51:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Disektor (user info) at 2004-09-27 03:30:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2004-09-27 03:14:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2004-09-27 03:07:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-09-27 03:01:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Author #1 at 2004-09-27 01:58:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
bart, i really don't think this system to have all the posts with forfeits be posted within 3 seconds of each other will work. These will garner too few votes if any.