...And That's Why I Had Chocolate On My Nose (382 hits)
Category: UberMadness!Rating: 0.32 on 44 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Uber Madness 2004 (View user info) at 2004-09-27 01:16:06 EDT
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Entry 1
That's why I hWorking at variety store a couple of years ago, I learned some very valuable lessons. Like not talking to the people who come in at 3 in the morning. Or how to blame patrons for what you've eaten and drank without paying for it.
But nothing compares to that amazing night. It was a night of romance, mystery, intrigue and daring.
Actually, the store got robbed, but I'm getting kind of ahead myself.
One Saturday night, at 2 in the morning, I was dead tired and "reading" the latest edition of Penthouse. Someone came in and I paid them little notice. They walked past the car batteries, past the Doritos, to the slurpees. They filled up a bottle, and then continued walking. I was still studiously ignoring them, in my tired state barely even recognizing their presence. I heard the cooler door open, the unmistakable sound of a six pack, and then the footsteps coming towards the register.
One of my tricks and ways to pass the time was to listen to what they were getting, and then charging them without looking up. It was pretty disorienting to the customers.
"That'll be 5.50 please."
"I'm not paying."
Just remember that I am going through the motions, am completely unaware of what this guy is doing, and barely coherent.
"Well then I'll just take your debit."
"I'm not paying."
"So your credit card."
I hear a click and write it off as nothing.
"So what will you be doing?"
"This is a hold-up!"
"Actually, this is a Seven-Eleven."
"Look at me!" He screamed.
I casually looked up.
My mind was still a minute behind. Here's a rough idea of what was going between my mind and me.
Mind: "Wow, she could probably crush a small animal between those things. And the ass! Whoa! You could stop a train with that... GUN!"
I finally managed to choke something out.
"Shit man, you've got a gun!"
"And I'm going to blow a hole through your fucking head if you don't give me the money."
"Ok dude, just a second." I started fiddling with the cash register.
"I'm going to need to put something through to open it."
"What?"
"Give me the beer."
He reluctantly handed me the beer. Keep in mind that I'm still not thinking straight.
"That'll be 5.50. How will you be paying for that?" I asked.
"Do not fucking mess with me! Give me the goddamn money."
"Ok, just don't shoot."
At that moment, my guardian angel arrived. Actually, it was just my friend, but it was still nice.
He came in the store, blissfully unaware of the gun, and said, "Dude, I've got two Bad Religion tickets, you wanna come?"
As the gun guy turned, I was frozen with my idea.
The guy turned.
I picked up the closest thing to hand.
The guy fired.
The Doritos and window behind my friend exploded.
I stabbed him in the face as hard as I could with the chocolate bar. Right in the nose.
"FUCK! Why the fucking hell would you stab someone with a goddamn chocolate bar!?" He screamed.
I don't know, but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Spying my chance while he was still dizzy from the blow of chocolate coated goodness, I picked up the cash register. Unfortunately, it was heavier than I had expected it to be.
I dropped it on my toe.
Now there were two of us injured, and one of us who was in shock.
As I was on the ground massaging my foot and thinking about what expression I wanted to die with, I realized with a jolt how dumb I truly was.
After picking up the baseball bat under the counter for just such situations and clocking the guy in the head, I called the cops. It was hard to stop from laughing when I left the store, and saw the guy talking to the cops.
"He hit with a fucking chocolate bar, alright! That's why I had chocolate on my nose!"
I threw a Mr Big at him.
- VS -
Entry 2
(10 bytes) [text/uberhtml]Entry 1:
babydoll
Badlands
bargled
BLITZKREIG_BOB
cexshun
comicbookguy
darko
Disektor
evolydal
hamilton
Herpes
hyprspacd
Ignore_the_Small_Print
Impassive-Digressive
Ingsoc
jack11058
Jack_McCallum
NerfHerder
NinjaSpeed
OneCheapGeek
runninginplace
salmonofdoubt
Seralena
SilvrWolf
Slovin
sparkle_pink
SPECIALk
Spiral_Abraxis
Stabkill
stevie_says
tinactin
tlozoot
WiKi
Yes
29 eligible votes (34 total) *
Entry 2:
bob
Julia
treedom
1 eligible votes (3 total) *
* Eligible votes are those made by users who had either (A) posted 3+ messages OR (B) written 100+ [lowered from 750+] reviews as of the beginning of the UberMadness! competition.
User Reviews
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2004-09-30 02:40:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Gosh I love this. It's definately my favourite out of all the Ubermadness entries so far.
Submitted by tlozoot (user info) at 2004-09-29 19:51:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Heh.
Submitted by Ignore_the_Small_Print (user info) at 2004-09-29 04:08:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Slovin (user info) at 2004-09-28 23:52:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... excellent. Clerks material.
No death!
http://tbd.yi.org/umbc.php
Submitted by hamilton (user info) at 2004-09-28 20:50:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
FOR MADNESS!
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-09-28 20:09:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by hamilton (user info) at 2004-09-28 19:56:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
just to remind everyone of how great this post is
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-09-28 18:43:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Ingsoc (user info) at 2004-09-28 18:14:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Automatic win and +2. Didn't actually read it. Must keep humans in the competition.
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2004-09-28 15:36:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by WiKi (user info) at 2004-09-28 14:35:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by bargled (user info) at 2004-09-28 14:19:50 EDT (#)
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Submitted by runninginplace (user info) at 2004-09-28 11:39:34 EDT (#)
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Submitted by hyprspacd (user info) at 2004-09-28 10:40:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by hamilton (user info) at 2004-09-28 08:10:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
best post ever, in case you missed it
Submitted by evolydal (user info) at 2004-09-28 04:33:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2004-09-28 03:06:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2004-09-28 01:16:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
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Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2004-09-28 01:00:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by OneCheapGeek (user info) at 2004-09-27 23:53:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by hamilton (user info) at 2004-09-27 23:07:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Once again, insanely awesome post RIGHT HERE!
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2004-09-27 22:43:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
despite the many issues i had with this post i liked it
Submitted by hamilton (user info) at 2004-09-27 22:38:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i'd just like to remind everyone of how cool this post is
Submitted by Julia (user info) at 2004-09-27 20:34:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Shoot, I clicked the wrong one. Sorry about that.
Submitted by Julia (user info) at 2004-09-27 20:21:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This was a hard decision.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2004-09-27 19:42:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Seralena (user info) at 2004-09-27 19:13:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
First one that's made me laugh in a while... Good job.
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-09-27 19:03:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Spiral_Abraxis (user info) at 2004-09-27 18:19:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by salmonofdoubt (user info) at 2004-09-27 17:54:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2004-09-27 17:46:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by hamilton (user info) at 2004-09-27 16:18:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
coolest post ever
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2004-09-27 15:36:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by cexshun (user info) at 2004-09-27 14:46:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-09-27 13:41:22 EDT (#)
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Submitted by babydoll (user info) at 2004-09-27 13:35:36 EDT (#)
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Submitted by treedom (user info) at 2004-09-27 11:05:25 EDT (#)
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Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-09-27 08:33:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
barely
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2004-09-27 04:45:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Disektor (user info) at 2004-09-27 03:29:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2004-09-27 03:23:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Entry 1 was so funny. Hahahahahahahaha. It's too bad someone chickened out, I would have liked to see competition for this piece of fine writing.
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2004-09-27 03:04:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-09-27 02:50:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by NinjaSpeed (user info) at 2004-09-27 02:08:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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