Satan's Blog: Presidential Debate (1109 hits)
Category: PoliticsRating: 1.33 on 9 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Id (View user info) at 2004-09-27 17:24:24 EDT
....YOU WILL BOW BEFORE ME, INSIGNIFICANT PIECE OF MECHANIC TRICKERY!!! I AM THE LORD OF DARKNESS, AND NO INSENTIANT DO-DAD WILL STOP ME AND MY QUEST FOR THE HEART AND SOULS OF THE MASSES! THEIR MINDS WILL EMBRACE MY DARKS WORDS, FOR I....
....WHAT DO YOU MEAN I HAVE TO CLICK "DO I AGREE TO THESE TERMS"?
BAH!!! I TOLD YOU WE SHOULD HAVE JUST POSTED OUR OWN HTML DOCUMENT ONLINE, BUT NOOOOOOO, YOU WANTED TO USE A CORPORATE BLOG SYSTEM SO IT'D BE "PRETTY"! NO WONDER EVERYONE THOUGHT YOU WERE GAY!
(clicks "I AGREE WITH THESE TERMS")
(shoves flaming pineapple up Hitler's ass)
....ahem. Now, as I was saying, I've already gotten around to explaining my take on this whole Bush v. Kerry nonsense currently gripping your insignificant country. (Please see http://www.ubersite.com/m/44169 ). But my eternal gaze now shifts towards the first of the three debates your two candidates will embark upon. As the excitement grows, as the political guessing game begins, I can't help but wonder: why has not your country made this event into a gambling opportunity?
I mean, think of this: Vegas bookies could create any manner of wager they can think of, and the masses bet on the individual outcomes of the debate! It's not like it's a sin or anything....or wait....
(Consults copy of MORTAL SINS FOR DUMMIES)
....well, perhaps frowned upon by some major religions, but I say it's all good. Gambling won't earn you a ticket to my domain, I assure you.
(Takes a quick glance over to the patch of Hell with Pete Rose's name on it)
Anyway, a vast, untapped market of fun and frolic could be yours!
Here, let me offer some suggestions. Feel free to send me some of your own,(if American dollars held any financial value down here, I'd bet too: Hell's official currency is the Nazi colon (I believe the exchange rate presently is 3.23 colons to the US dollar, not bad if I do say so myself)).
Over/Under
1. Number of times the word "Terrorist" is used.
a. under 25
b. over 25
2. Number of times Bush stammers mid-sentence.
a. under 10
b. over 10
3. Number of times Kerry refers to his service in Vietnam.
a. under 5
b. over 5
4. Number of times third-party candidate Ralph Nadar is mentioned.
a. 0
b. over 0
Yes, I suppose the fourth one's a sure thing, but you never know....
Straight Will it happen/Won't it happen?
5. The controversial "Swift Boat Gunner's for Truth" ad, which questioned Kerry's war record, will be brought up.
6. The W. in George W. will be said to mean "wrong"
7. The W. in George W. will be said to mean "women"
8. The W. in George W. will be said to mean "weed-smoking-texan-hick"
9. Kerry's outspoken wife, Teresa Heinz Kerry, will be mentioned.
10. Kerry's outspoken wife, Teresa Heinz Kerry, will be referred to as "a loose-mouthed bitch"
Finally, here are some radical, not-likely-to-happen-but-dear-god-what-if? bets.
11. Will a terrorist attack happen during the debate?
12. Will Ralph Nadar, armed with newly legalized assault rifles and dozens of disenfranchised (brain-washed) youths, storm the debate hall, hold both candidates hostage, and threaten to behead them should he not be placed on the ballot of every state this November? (This one's my personal favorite, and let's just say I have an inside track as to whether this little interruption will happen or not...)
So there you have it, my modest contribution to you Americans' silly little game of "who pisses me off less?". And since I'm all for audience participation (the second Wednesday of each month is "choose your own method of torture" night down here), feel free to add the bets you would wager on, if it existed.
Hmmmm....should I Google "16-year-olds" and "goat sex", or should it be "16-year-old-goat-sex". They both have their perks...
posted by: SATAN at 5:18 PM
User Reviews
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2004-10-04 23:51:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How did I miss this? Nice work Satan. Too bad the call for B@W was unheeded by the powers that be. Can Satan smite? I'd say some smiting is in order.
Submitted by Rainer (user info) at 2004-09-27 22:42:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by Sekeeth (user info) at 2004-09-27 22:29:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Actually laughed out loud at the accepting terms part.
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2004-09-27 22:18:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Not bad, not bad. Keep up the good work there, Mr. Prince of Darkness.
Submitted by Fartman (user info) at 2004-09-27 18:58:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
2. Number of times Bush stammers mid-sentence.
a. under 10
b. over 10
-----------------------------
I'll take the over.
Submitted by cigar (user info) at 2004-09-27 18:15:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
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Submitted by Nobb (user info) at 2004-09-27 17:31:16 (#)
Ranking: 2
Good effort.
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Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-09-27 18:02:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
12. Will Ralph Nadar, armed with newly legalized assault rifles and dozens of disenfranchised (brain-washed) youths, storm the debate hall, hold both candidates hostage, and threaten to behead them should he not be placed on the ballot of every state this November? (This one's my personal favorite, and let's just say I have an inside track as to whether this little interruption will happen or not...)
Submitted by Nobb (user info) at 2004-09-27 17:31:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good effort.
Submitted by jesse_ray (user info) at 2004-09-27 17:28:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
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