When Deadly Stuff Becomes Funny (805 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -0.62 on 12 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Please don't hate me, Julia (View user info) at 2004-09-27 21:48:21 EDT
The weekend was dead. This stupid bitch and I were riding in some kind of vehicle, and by a strange coincidence embarked on a philosophical discourse regarding penis envy. She was too dumb to know what this is so I said some words to her that in very simple terms explained how the concept was a Freudian recipe for disaster because women don't have penises and they are afraid men will make fun of them and she uttered rilly like as if a Mars orbiter has been sabotaged and I informed her yes and she blurted totally tubular, gag me with a shiny thing to eat with, and then I killed her.
Penis envy, what a wonderful taste,
Penis envy, ain't no pussy to waste....
She was hard to maneuver onto my cock as she was dead and I could have been WRECKED.
An ass.
Free bonus bitch rant for other newbs who write useless shit no one wants to read
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I am going to ask you to use your imaginations.... NO, WAIT!--it will be painless.
[your imagination]
The Dragon Awakes!
[YOU] has been captured by an evil horde [one, a few, some, many or most
everyone on Ubersite except YOU]. Suddenly, a sleeping monster awakes! It is
a dragon! The mity dragon, with its strange beautiful powers, is irritated from
the disturbance of its slumber. The dragon, with a mere thought, casts [YOU]
and also each member of the horde into a terrible prison: bags made from the
dreaded banyan! The bags are stored in the dragon's lair, in a room full of
terribly deadly, fatal, dragon-ish poison gas.
[YOU] deftly escapes hir bag and, cleverly holding hir breath, wins free,
and dematerializes hemself out the door of the awful room!
But s/he remembers to unlock the door, just in case the others also win free of
their bags and--having used up all their pitiful allotment of power in the attempt--
find themselves unable to leave the room by extraordinary means. S/He does this
because s/he likes to be nice and play fair.
Meanwhile, the horde members are busily eating the tasty snacks they have found
inside their bags, blissfully unaware of the imminent danger they thus bring upon
themselves--for the snacks are none other than mind parasite eggs! And one day when
the mind parasites have reached critical inclusion mass, they will force their hosts
to gather in a secret location, for a strange, dark ritual: an uber-dragon summoning!
[YOU] then changes hir mind about the situation and using hir nearly forgotten
wizardly skills, carefully ensorcels the members of the horde, wrapping them up in
brilliant rings of rainbow-hued demon-charms, to protect them as best s/he can, while
they eat their snacks. (Because dragons are bad enough, especially the one in this
story. Its name was Reason. It was indeed truly monstrous, with many rotten scales.)
Sadly, the horde members never escape from their bags, and eventually--since the
bags are somewhat porous--they all die horrible deaths! (Because of the poison gas.
Which seeped into the bags. And killed them. Because it is poisonous [bad and deadly].)
They never even finished all the snacks! It was a tragedy!
Finally Reason once again falls into a fitful sleep. And it's having a nightmare!
....epilogue....
You come along and find the gift [YOU] left behind (mostly on a whim). Feverishly
tearing off the elegant wrapping of tissue paper of the prettiest one, you find a treasure chest, in the form of a golden apple. Opening the chest, you find a Fortune written in a strange language. Magically, within moments you understand the meaning:
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* *
* ARISE SWEET PHOENIX FROM THE SMOLDERING EMBERS OF BOREDOM'S GENTLE EMBRACE *
* *
**********************************************************************************
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I know this may be cruel or thought so, but I'm drunk and alone on my birthday.
I am a pitiful worthless excuse for something that once resembled a human being.
Consider this my uberbitch rant that every whiny newb has to do sooner or later.
It's really just an experiment. Really.
Because all my feelings have been SMASHED with the sledgehammer of ... LUV
Fuck it, time for more tequila. I'm never posting here again. Really, I mean it. Heh.
>>REALLY REALLY REALLY PLEASE DON'T HATE ME JULIA PLEASE JUST AN EXPERIMENT, OK?<<
I've read all your stuff and I'll +2 it all when I get over this lasagne/tequila thing.
Okay?
User Reviews
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-11-05 21:31:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I am a pitiful worthless excuse for something that once resembled a human being."
A-FUCKING-MEN
Submitted by drfeggphd (user info) at 2004-09-28 02:28:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Fegg staggers back inside the sonic temple, half-crazed on tequila,
thinking of the REAL experiment and whether it would outcome good. Um.
Meanwhile, he grudgingly acknowledges the rightness of Spider-Man's
opinion: maybe. It had to be that way, or perhaps it did not. The fine
line between fantasy and reality is blurred by the aimless shuffling of
tiny mental feet from one side to the other. Sometimes it's good to look up.
Doubt may be necessary but it's hard to be sure.
He wish him could remember some Fight Club quotes, or even if he saw the movie.
FEGG'S BRAIN: I saw it.
"Mystical explanations are regarded as profound; the truth is that they do not
even go the length of being superficial." -- Nietzsche, Joyful Wisdom, #125
FEGG: Well, duh.
Submitted by Spider-Man (user info) at 2004-09-28 01:17:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by drfeggphd (user info) at 2004-09-27 22:09:40 (#)
Ranking: -2
Vomiting is good.
Spider-Man, you were WRONG! The correct answer was NO.
Fegg is dismayed. He hates himself.
:((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((
Alright you know what? Fuck you. Alright? Fuck you. Alright? I offer up my opinion and you tell me I'm fucking wrong? You know what? Fuck you. Alright? Fuck you. You know what? Alright? Fuck you.
Submitted by drfeggphd (user info) at 2004-09-27 23:05:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Julia (user info) at 2004-09-27 23:01:16 (#)
Ranking: 1
Fegg, I'm not much of a hater. +1 for the parody of me. The rest I didn't get, but I'm sober.
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Sweet Mercy! Julia, Fegg grovels at your feet. He licks your boots, your velvety calves,
your .... uh, I mean, thank you so much, you see, it's like, I
FEGG'S BRAIN: It's like I'm a dumbass!
FEGG: What he said.
Submitted by drfeggphd (user info) at 2004-09-27 23:01:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by tlovess (user info) at 2004-09-27 22:21:32 (#)
Ranking: 0
what the hell is this?
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Answer: Tequila + Word Processor + Frustraion + Experiment =
Bad shit happens. The End.
Submitted by Julia (user info) at 2004-09-27 23:01:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Fegg, I'm not much of a hater. +1 for the parody of me. The rest I didn't get, but I'm sober.
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2004-09-27 22:50:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This has nothing to do with you being cruel to Julia. This -2 is because I feel your post just isn't worth reading.
Submitted by Sofa_Ace (user info) at 2004-09-27 22:23:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Well Julia, I'm going to go ahead and -2 this, because that is what it honestly deserved. but, don't be discouraged. You do have some writing talent. don't be driven away by the haters, Ive read some of your other stuff, and you can write well. Hope you stick around cause ubersite can use as many good writers as it can get. oh yea, remember, a few good posts are better than a bunch of shitty ones. Later.
Submitted by tlovess (user info) at 2004-09-27 22:21:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
what the hell is this?
Submitted by drfeggphd (user info) at 2004-09-27 22:09:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Vomiting is good.
Spider-Man, you were WRONG! The correct answer was NO.
Fegg is dismayed. He hates himself.
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-09-27 21:54:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/46281
This sucked so badly, I had to vomit just to clear the shit that had manifested inside of me. Then I saw how shitty this was and vomited again to lose that extra 10-20 pounds.
Submitted by cigar (user info) at 2004-09-27 21:51:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
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