Hookers, Hooters, and Horny Exchange Students (10721 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.92 on 70 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by comicbookguy (View user info) at 2004-09-28 15:18:11 EDT
Greetings readers. Welcome to the third installment of posts featuring my good friend Wally, the exchange student from the Ahmedabad Institute of Management in India. I realize I haven't written a Wally story in a while, but quite frankly, nothing's been really happening. School has started, and Wally is a studious motherfucker. I hadn't heard from at all until this past weekend.
It was a typical Saturday afternoon. I was lying around naked, eating Fruit Loops and watching Looney Toons like any normal 20 year old man when the doorbell rang. I threw on some pants and ran downstairs. I opened the door and witnessed a breathless Wally, panting as though he ran all the way to my house to deliver some news of great importance.
"YOU HAVE TO TAKE ME," he yelled in my face.
"Now, calm down Wally," I said, always the voice of reason. "I have to take you where?"
I could see his chest heave up and down as he struggled to catch his breath.
"Okay," he said. "Apparently, there is a place where they sell chicken and alcohol and the waitresses purposefully flaunt their buttocks and breasts for clientele pleasure!" he spit out, barely able to finish the sentence.
I smiled to myself. "Oh. You mean Hooters."
"Yes," he sighed. "Hooters. Please, take me to this Hooters you speak of."
I really didn't feel like going out that night, but sometimes you have to put your needs aside and help out others. Besides, one can never get sick of boobies and chicken. Plus, Wally was going to foot the bill so that sealed it the deal.
I swung by Wally's huge fucking bachelor pad later that night (he lives downtown and is loaded) and we got to Hooters. Wally couldn't speak. He just cried at the beauty of it all.
We were quickly seated, and I ordered a few minutes later. I had to order for Wally because every time he spoke, all that came out was non-sensical blabbering. I ordered the hottest wings they had and a couple of pitchers to boot. As the waitress walked away, I cleverly noted that she had a "fine pair of hooters on her."
"Yeah," Wally agreed. "And her boobies aren't bad either."
We continued to watch as the waitress wiggled her tight little butt back into the kitchen. Wall looked at me. "I guarantee you this," he said, a twinkle in his eye. "Her number is as good as in my pocket."
I laughed. Poor innocent Wally. I tried to explain that Hooters waitresses were at the top of the boobie food chain. They flirted with you solely for the purposes of increasing their tips.
Stubborn Wally would have none of it. He guaranteed success. In fact, he bet me $100 that he couldn't get her number. I gleefully obliged. That was like, 60 boxes of fruit loops.
Over the next couple hours, under the awesomeness that was Wally's credit card, he and I consumed almost twenty pounds of these psycho hot wings in addition to three pitchers. As a result, we were nicely fucked up.
What was pissing me off however, was the fact that throughout the night, Cassie (our waitress) kept making googily eyes at Wally every time she came to check on us. I hoped to hell that maybe she had pegged him as an easy target. $100 was nothing for a guy like Wally but to me, that was 400 Bazooka Joes. Things weren't looking any better when Wally called her over.
"HEY CASSIE," he yelled across the room. Cassie came walking up to us, flashing that million dollar smile that caused a lot of blood to rush to a lot of penises.
"Yes?" she asked sweetly. "Is everything okay?"
"Come, sit on my lap," Wally said loudly. He got kind of loud when he was drunk. Shockingly, Cassie obliged. "Have you no shame hooters girl," I thought to myself.
"So," Wally said, trying to be smooth as possible. "Do you date Indians?"
"Umm...I think I dated a guy who could have been Indian I think."
Wally grinned from ear to ear. "Weeeeeeeeell, how about...."
"Yes....." she said, coaxing him on.
All of a sudden, the most insane gurgle came out of Wally's stomach. I looked at him. Have you ever seen an Indian guy turn green? I have.
In retrospect, we should have realized that 10 plus pounds of Hooters hottest wings couldn't have been good for the human digestive system.
He burped twice.
Then threw up on the Hooters waitress sitting in his lap.
It was quite a liquidy puke, with little chicken chunks floating in it. The bastard hadn't even taken the time to chew.
Cassie jumped off Wally's lap faster than Superman on amphetamines.
She looked down in horror at her puke stained Hooters uniform. She opened her mouth to speak, but no words came out.
"OH MY GOD I'M SO SORRY!" Wally cried out. "PLEASE, LET ME CLEAN YOU," he said, obviously a vain attempt to cop a cheap feel.
"NO. Just.....UGH." She stormed off.
"CAN I CALL YOU SOMETIME?" he called after her.
She turned around just before going into the bathroom. "Not in this lifetime asshole" she said.
"Oh well," Wally said. "Until next reincarnation then."
I'll spare you the details of how the Hooters fiasco was finally settled, but lets just say that Wally won't coming back to Hooters any time soon. He left enough vomit to feed a thousand pigeons. He also told me later that he masturbated in the bathroom. "I couldn't hold it," was his explanation. Sick horny fuck.
Anyways, with all that had happened, I still felt kind of bad for him. He was horny as hell, and I was afraid that if I didn't do anything soon, he would try and have sex with me or something. So, as per Wally's suggestion, I used the $100 I won in the bet to purchase him some quality time with the fine ladies that frequent the streets of downtown Toronto late at night.
"Are you sure you want that one," I asked him, pointing to the one lone hooker on the street that night. "She's all pale with dried up blood under her nose."
"You don't have sex with the face my friend," Wally replied. He felt his forehead. "I'm feeling like I'm getting a fever. A Jungle fever."
I shrugged and headed home by subway.
Wally headed towards the hooker.
Turns out the hooker cost more than $100.
Turns out the hooker wasn't really a hooker.
Turns out seeking prostitution carry's a pretty hefty fine.
Ah well. He could easily afford it.
The Penis: the cause of, and solution to, all of Wally's problems.
User Reviews
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-07-23 14:09:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-07-23 13:41:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hi ex
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-04-25 16:17:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fantastic
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2005-12-19 14:34:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Apparently, there is a place where they sell chicken and alcohol and the waitresses purposefully flaunt their buttocks and breasts for clientele pleasure!" he spit out, barely able to finish the sentence.
===========
Priceless.
Submitted by giggles (user info) at 2005-12-19 14:28:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Cassie jumped off Wally's lap faster than Superman on amphetamines" now for me that was the line that made me crack up. CBG when will we meet? ...probably never...you're canadian
Submitted by Call911 (user info) at 2005-12-14 10:33:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha I should be studying for an economics exam but read this instead.
I'm better off for it.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2005-12-14 10:12:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
His description of Hooters made me laugh. I know someone like that.
Submitted by Walker (user info) at 2005-12-14 09:56:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I burst out laughing when I pictured Wally throwing up all over the girl. Haha, I remember a phrase written in one of the Hooter's in Canada (only one I've ever been to), it read "Our girls our operated against flattery", I think... I guess they're not operated against this sort of thing though...
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2005-11-15 10:36:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I couldn't hold it," was his explanation
Submitted by Gollman (user info) at 2005-02-12 04:54:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by drfeggphd (user info) at 2005-02-11 13:42:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Oh well," Wally said. "Until next reincarnation then."
Submitted by ljgmlg2 (user info) at 2005-02-01 05:34:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Yeah," Wally agreed. "And her boobies aren't bad either."
Bloody marvelous!!!
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-01-07 07:58:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by bossk (user info) at 2005-01-06 13:40:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You have GOT to send this guy on tour. Or write a damn book.
Submitted by Ingsoc (user info) at 2004-11-07 16:51:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2004-11-07 16:32:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
'He also told me later that he masturbated in the bathroom. "I couldn't hold it," was his explanation.' - fantastic
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-11-07 16:17:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I missed this???? What?
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-10-09 23:06:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wally=cmg!!!!!
wait, there was a particular line that made me crack up laughing, but I can't remember it now.
Submitted by Sarah_Lee (user info) at 2004-10-07 02:01:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2004-10-06 12:50:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2004-10-04 12:45:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You live in Toronto?
You better hope for your livers sake you don't.
Submitted by Cryopaul (user info) at 2004-10-01 13:38:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
$100 is like 200 cans of tuna now since the price has gone up like 10 cents in the last year or so.
I miss being a poor college student when you might not have the gas money to go home, but you can sure as hell afford a 12-pack of really cheap beer.
Submitted by angry_keebler (user info) at 2004-09-30 21:05:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Bullshit. THere's no way in hell that really happened.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-09-30 19:10:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude... 3 of the top 5 best ever posts are you.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-09-30 15:54:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't believe that I missed this one.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-09-29 13:07:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice call on my Maddness entry, another 20 minute story, cliched characters and drugs.
But round two is where we seperate the pens from the pencils.
And my pen is full of ink.
Submitted by yoseph <yoseph0.at.email.com> at 2004-09-29 12:26:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wally Kicks Ass
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-09-29 11:51:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love Wally stories!
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2004-09-29 11:50:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Another quality post.
Submitted by Awko (user info) at 2004-09-29 09:11:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Pacifist248 (user info) at 2004-09-29 00:03:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sketch9 (user info) at 2004-09-28 21:59:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
beauty
Submitted by sublime (user info) at 2004-09-28 21:59:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Toronto blows but wally and you are gems in a pile of crap.
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-09-28 21:50:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Apparently, there is a place where they sell chicken and alcohol and the waitresses purposefully flaunt their buttocks and breasts for clientele pleasure!"
In my mind, I pictured Apu from the Simpsons saying this. Then I squirted A&W diet root beer out my nose.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-09-28 21:49:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you're lucky i'm in a giggly mood tonight
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-09-28 21:42:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
why was ads added to the end of my previous comment? I look like a fucking tard.
Submitted by downerSTAIN (user info) at 2004-09-28 21:36:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by bargled (user info) at 2004-09-28 16:00:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
i ejaculated with laughter.
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-09-28 20:24:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to carry your babies in my fallopean tubes (aka my rectum)ads
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2004-09-28 19:27:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wally stories fucking rule!
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2004-09-28 18:49:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
comicbookguy is one of the best on this entire site.
Submitted by facts (user info) at 2004-09-28 18:33:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
CBG rocks face hardcore number one!
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-09-28 18:28:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
GO FROOT LOOPS WOO!
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-09-28 18:09:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
IndianOcean anyone??
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-09-28 17:58:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Other Wally posts:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/42599
http://www.ubersite.com/m/41446
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-09-28 17:39:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Spiral_Abraxis (user info) at 2004-09-28 17:37:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Oh well," Wally said. "Until next reincarnation then."
Hahahaha
Submitted by cigar (user info) at 2004-09-28 17:29:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
damn funny.
Submitted by Kamargo (user info) at 2004-09-28 17:03:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn... That was a fine story... must read... more strories... were Wally appears...
Submitted by CoachMagirk27 (user info) at 2004-09-28 16:59:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"OH MY GOD I'M SO SORRY!" Wally cried out. "PLEASE, LET ME CLEAN YOU," he said, obviously a vain attempt to cop a cheap feel.
hAhahaha
I'm from Toronto too. Awesome story.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-09-28 16:49:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Donkey, I think in terms of loaves of bread. Now do I buy the biggest fuck-off bar of chocolate the supermarket has, or do I buy four loaves of bread? I can't buy that really nice piece of shiny jewellery, it's five hundred loaves of bread man.
Student habit.
Kickass writing, as ever. Will Wally marry me, d'ya reckon?
Submitted by DamienX (user info) at 2004-09-28 16:41:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Oh well," Wally said. "Until next reincarnation then."
I think we've all been there.
Submitted by Nobb (user info) at 2004-09-28 16:35:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2004-09-28 16:34:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wally stories = awesome.
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-09-28 16:30:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"PLEASE, LET ME CLEAN YOU" ... Damn that Wally is one smooth cat. I think I need to add taht to my pick-up line repertoire.
And CBG...I live in Rochester, NY. Once our damn fast ferry gets up and running again, I am totally heading up to Toronto to party with you and Wally!
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2004-09-28 16:23:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Beer, the cause of and the solution to all of life's problems.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2004-09-28 16:23:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
In fact, he bet me $100 that he couldn't get her number. I gleefully obliged. That was like, 60 boxes of fruit loops.
-------------------------
I'm glad I'm not the only one that thinks in terms of food.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-09-28 16:00:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wally is the man!!
Submitted by bargled (user info) at 2004-09-28 16:00:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i ejaculated with laughter.
Submitted by Uptown_Alexa (user info) at 2004-09-28 15:50:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like fruit loops, but prefer cap'n crunch with crunch berries. Moreover on to the point, very nice story.
Submitted by maryjane (user info) at 2004-09-28 15:45:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2004-09-28 15:45:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Vomiting on a Hooter's waitress and jerking it in the bathroom...Indian Wally has lived the American dream!
Submitted by gibberish (user info) at 2004-09-28 15:45:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-09-28 15:43:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wally can bang my sister anyday of the week.
Submitted by thaumaturge (user info) at 2004-09-28 15:43:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Always good times in the T-dot.
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-09-28 15:39:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
harharhar
Submitted by dodahdave (user info) at 2004-09-28 15:31:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"The Penis: the cause of, and solution to, all of Wally's problems."
Best. Quote. Ever.
Wally stories make my days happy!
Submitted by Monarch (user info) at 2004-09-28 15:29:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tell Wally he's my hero.
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-09-28 15:28:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love it when Indians make fun of Indians. It's like me calling an Irishman "Sloppy McDrunk" or a German guy "Herr Naziberger."
*sigh*
Submitted by wazzawazzayo (user info) at 2004-09-28 15:28:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I gotta say, you're really getting good at this.
"He also told me later that he masturbated in the bathroom."
Lines like these that just come out of nowhere are really going to get me fired or sent to the nuthouse.
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2004-09-28 15:24:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You've got to be kidding me. Next installment: Wally meets Bubba in the bighouse.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-09-28 15:22:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If there is a Hooters involved then we must go. Their chicken wings are fantastic, and the women and the way the flirt with you to get bigger tips. It's just, so, magical.