Why I don't party with ET and Dylan McKay anymore (937 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.47 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (View user info) at 2004-09-29 11:48:03 EDT
So, the other day Dylan McKay, ET, and I go out to grab a couple beers. When we get to the bar (Sedgewicks' over on East Main), there was an uncharacteristically long line at the door, but being regulars, we saunter on it, past a winking Michelin Man (who was working the door). ET has some pretty sweet shit going on (powers and whatnot) so he always slows time down so we enter in slow motion (like Wooderson (Matthew McConaughey in Dazed and Confused going into The Emporium)), and we'd look superbadass. Even though Dylan had a good 3 inches on me in the sideburns' department, I still had him in rhythm, and I could instantly head bob to any song ever playing ever, and the ladies loved this. All ET could do (besides slow shit down, heal, fly, and make a sweet omelet) was run around wolfman style with his hands straight up screaming "mehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh." That crazy bastard!
"Genny Creamer," I said, tossing the bartender a gold nugget that I had won from the old prospector the night before in a game of poker. "And whatever my buddies here are drinking."
"Cosmo," said Dylan. Damn. Well, as long as he was pulling in Noxzema Girl quality tail, he could drink whatever he wanted.
E.T. mind messaged the dude for a glass of club soda. We all called him "Sam Malone" for this, but they, the poor little guy was hooked on smack for a year. Now that he was off the H-train, he tried to cut us a lot less, and the hookers on 8th and Maple didn't get as much of the glow-finger action as before.
Genghis Kahn and Dana Elcar (the guy who played Pete Thornton on MacGyver) were playing pool at the far table, and since we hadn't seen them in a few weeks, we decided to walk on over. We talked about the time we stopped that Volcano from erupting, and everyone (except for ET) was getting pretty lit, so we ended up challenging the 85 Bears to a chugging contest. Surprisingly enough, the Fridge is a real lightweight, whereas Richard Dent can pound with the best of them.
Somewhere around round 5 (we had to go tournament style, of course, because there were only two of us), I saw ET leave with the chick from Family Ties who played Mallory. That crazy bastard! I knew at that point, I needed to start making some moves, or I'd be going home alone too. I had put my Star Trek IV Spock robe on that night, so my A-game was set. I bowed out of the tourney (which would later be determined in a pissing contest between Dylan and Dan Rivera (literally). Filling a pint glass from 5 feet required extreme muscle control and a little luck. Of course, this was the kind of muscle control that one normally didn't have when it got to the point of the piss pint party (triple-p) and it normally would end in a slip-and-fall injury.), and went to find something to drag home.
Luckily, there was a coffee grinder show in town, and you KNOW how those coffee grinder girls like to party. Well, I found three of them that were ripe with apple martinis (you'd think they'd have coffee drinks, but nobody wants to bring their work to the bar), and made my move.
"So, you ladies like fake ears?" A-Game.
All three of them, "Take us to our hotel for a night of intercourse!" Well, sir, you didn't have to ask me twice. I gave Dylan the signal (dove call), and headed out the door. Well, we didn't get more than a block before they dragged me into an alley and beat the piss out of me. O.K., so the piss was more of a defense mechanism, but they beat me up. As they left, the lead one ripped off her face, revealing a robot! Holy shit!
An hour later, I finally un-fetal-positioned, and crawled home. And that, my friends, is the story of how I got my ass kicked by sophisticated sex robots. That night I lost my dignity, my wallet, and about three Slim Jim wrappers.
What?
User Reviews
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2005-01-13 15:14:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
3.5 months later, and unplanned, here's part 2 http://www.ubersite.com/m/56659
Submitted by boomslang (user info) at 2005-01-13 14:53:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome, now for part ii.
Submitted by Jamie_Colden (user info) at 2005-01-13 14:10:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"and the hookers on 8th and Maple didn't get as much of the glow-finger action as before."
Best fucking line in the whole damn thing!
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2005-01-13 14:09:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Glorious!!
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-01-13 13:45:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Zandy1123 (user info) at 2004-09-29 12:17:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
holy crap - that's some of the most phenomenal nonsense I've ever read.
...still laughing...
people at work are looking at me funny (but that's nothing new, I guess)
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-10-01 16:21:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant. Pass me some of whatever you're smoking/ drinking.
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2004-09-30 17:30:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This had a lot of great images in it, but my favorite has to be you flipping a gold nugget to the bartender that you won against the old prospector.
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2004-09-29 16:29:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ditka wasn't allowed to compete on account of being such a badass. Besides, he was in a dart showdown with Lou Diamond Phillips.
Submitted by thaumaturge (user info) at 2004-09-29 14:38:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Perfect!
Submitted by syd_knee (user info) at 2004-09-29 14:19:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2004-09-29 12:03:02 (#)
Ranking: 0
My initials are E.T.
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No their not their K.W
Dumbass
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2004-09-29 13:22:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
OK
Submitted by Timdigshispanicbutt at 2004-09-29 13:18:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-09-29 12:49:24 (#)
Ranking: 2
i bet ETs a pussy. i could definately head-butt the shit out of him.
No you couldn't!
he'd beat you like a nazi would a jew.
You're so freakin' ghey!
Submitted by MaximusPadus (user info) at 2004-09-29 13:11:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by tlovess (user info) at 2004-09-29 13:09:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ok, that was absolutely hilarious. I've never seen such a jumble of weird shit. Loved it.
Submitted by cexshun (user info) at 2004-09-29 12:53:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
+1 for the 85 Bears, but I think Ditka could have drank them all under the table.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-09-29 12:49:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i bet ETs a pussy. i could definately head-butt the shit out of him.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-09-29 12:46:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
...Ummm, I'll take a stab at it.
...because they turned hetero on you?
Submitted by Zandy1123 (user info) at 2004-09-29 12:17:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
holy crap - that's some of the most phenomenal nonsense I've ever read.
...still laughing...
people at work are looking at me funny (but that's nothing new, I guess)
Submitted by Duke_Prometheus_III (user info) at 2004-09-29 12:12:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious. Beats the crap out of what I've just submitted hands down.
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2004-09-29 12:03:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
My initials are E.T.