How to Qualify for the Express Lane into Hell! (676 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 0 on 5 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Subjugator (View user info) at 2004-09-30 17:00:28 EDT
Hello folks...this is my first time posting here. Rate truthfully please.
Rewind 14 years...
I wake up one bright and sunny morning in the back seat of my car, face down in my own puke. Last night, my friends drove me home, parked my car, and left me there.
Some friends.
I wake up, go inside, shower...the works.
I then go to pick up my girlfriend and drop her off at work.
When I get there, I notice two things:
1. She's wearing...normal clothes.
Normal.
Clothes.
*MY* girlfriends don't...well, didn't...wear normal clothes. They had spiked hair, leather jackets, and fringes. They looked fun and cool. They didn't look like a cookie cutter template for June Cleaver!
2. She's getting into some car with some guy.
Aha! That's why she's wearing normal clothes! She's NOT my girlfriend anymore!
I boldly walk up and confront her. In so doing, she smiles at me prettily and introduces me to her fiance!
I run over the events of the night before...the night before...where, before I got drunk...she had sex with me...several times. Hrm...no, I didn't dream that up...she was my girlfriend.
Being young and stupid, I don't handle it well, get really mad, somehow find it rational to blame him for her infidelity, and after beating an unoffending sign into submission (demolishing my hand in the process), I drive off at as high a rate of speed as my car will allow.
Now, being about as poor as your average mohawk adorned 19 year old punk with a bad attitude, I don't have a ton of money to fix my car, so when bad things happen, I try and work it out myself.
Well, shortly before that betraying bitch...err...my ex...decided to stick the knife in my back, I had problems with my wiper motors. I quite proudly fixed them myself, congratulating myself for my cleverness.
As I drove home to sink into an alcohol induced oblivion, it starts to rain. Normally this is a good thing, except when I turn my windshield wipers on, my horn starts to honk along with the rhythm. The wiper blades move all the way up, and my horn honks for three seconds. It then turns back off as they move back down.
This is *ALL* I need.
In a rage, I turn the wipers off and on repeatedly, to noticeable effect.
Now the horn is on all the time.
So I drive home with the horn braying like a screaming donkey the whole way. My brother was in the front yard when I got home and said he could hear me coming. "Dude, there was an 'eeeeeeeeeee' noise that kept getting louder and louder until I saw you turn the corner and pull up!", he said gleefully in the aftermath.
Seeing him standing there laughing pissed me off even more. So I got out of my car and slammed the door as hard as I could...
...only to hear the breaking of glass as my driver's side window shatter into a zillion pieces.
The only really good part of this story (for me...) is that six months later, the foul bitch called me six months later and told me she was pregnant with Mr. Charming's kid, and he's nowhere to be found.
I was very sympathetic and helpful.
I gave her a ride to the welfare office and dropped her off.
User Reviews
Submitted by Orange-San (user info) at 2004-09-30 18:07:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I ONCE AT STEW ON THE SANTA MARIA
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-09-30 17:20:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Yeah ... uhm ... next time, double check the title before posting.
Submitted by DamienX (user info) at 2004-09-30 17:11:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I was kinda expecting a murder/suicide or something.
Submitted by Tuxebux (user info) at 2004-09-30 17:10:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Alright read.. But i don't see how this will get you into the express lane to hell.
Submitted by Subjugator (user info) at 2004-09-30 17:01:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Whoops!
I forgot to update the subject!
Sorry!