long story, pass if you like (504 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -0.3 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Sarah (itsmesg2003@yahoo) (View user info) at 2004-10-05 04:35:33 EDT
This is a story about me, -2 me if you like but the is what I am posting.
I am, because we are. - African proverb
I grew up in a small town and was raised by my single father whom I have never known to date. I believe my mother, whom I didn't meet until my late teens was responsible for that. I always get asked if my father and I had a good relationship, which I always say yes.
I remembered from my childhood the days he was home from work, taking me to feed random ducks. We had no money to spare but he seemed to always take my sister and I out places and show us life. He wanted so much to raise his girls' the best he could. For his effort and heart, I love him.
What I try to forget is the fact that he chooses alcohol over his and his children's needs, over his old job as a heart tech. For making alcohol and insanity his scapegoat. What I forget is that I didn't know how to ask for a better life until I was 20. As a child I would pray to a god my grandmother insisted was there, a god I thought, as a child was blind and deaf. As I got older I insisted I was being punished for something.
I got my first job at 14 waiting tables at a local diner. My sister went to college despite or possibly in spite of what my father did and said. Women, according to him married well and did not need to go to college. I met a guy who was 19 and I was 15. In my rebellion I suppose, we started to see each other. His family was exactly the type I had wished for when I was younger. His parents seemed to love me although they assumed I was 17. When I became pregnant they found out I wasn't.
There are only two ways to live your life, one is as though nothing is a miracle and the other is as if everything is. - Albert Einstein.
I was pregnant a week before my sweet 16 and found out that I was a few weeks after. My father having sound mind insisted that I wouldn't amount to anything unless I married my boyfriend. His parents protested but one sad awkward day in the town justice I had a shotgun wedding to a man who would torture me for the next 4 years. After having my daughter he protested I was "too chunky" and besides formula there was little food in the house, I weighed 125 lbs but didn't have a vanity pound left after a month. Every job I had seemed to "take away from the baby" and although he couldn't support a family he decided I shouldn't work. When we needed money I waited tables on the late shift because it was the only time he was willing to watch our daughter, when she was asleep. I would come home early morning, sleep 3 or 4 hours and wake to start all over again. There had to be three meals a day at certain times, he counted miles on the car and if I drove too far he would escort me to where I needed to be, to ensure I wasn't doing anything I shouldn't. I think I cried almost every night but this was different I told myself, because I know he loves me. Sadly it was the best my life had been up until now. I didn't live my life I merely existed daily. I think I accepted that this was what I was worth.
If one is lucky one fantasy can alter a million realities. - Maya Angelou
One night as I was talking to my sister, trying to sugar coat a conversations on the phone when she asked me why I was doing this to myself. I didn't know what she meant. My sister had never showed any interest in my life up until this point. She told me that no matter what I said she knew I had it rough. She said she couldn't ever help me because we were and are so young but that's why she was going to college, for a better life. Now she wanted me to have a better life too. She said something that changed my life forever and is the defining impact of my life. She said, " No one is worth your tears and the one that is won't make you cry" I don't know where she got the advice from or how she thought of it.
Life was fast after that point I became a single mother. Divorce was easy, we had nothing and what we did have I didn't want. I started with almost nothing, through myself at school and almost cried when I was told that not only was I accepted but also I had high scores in math and analytical skills. I studied, joined clubs and support groups. I had a determination that let me have the esteem to do almost anything.
I hardly dated and almost never left my house unless I had to. I made my life what I wanted it to be based on the future. I found out my own daughter whom I had raised everyday was the smartest, funniest cutest girl and I never thought of her like that before. I thought of myself being her burden. That I, too young, too slow, too poor, shouldn't have brought her into a life I didn't even want. Instead I found that children are amazing little versions of adults and being clothed, fed and loved grow up to be amazing people. My daughter is an amazing person with character and depth for all the right reasons.
I cannot do all the good the world needs but the world needs all the good I can do. - Jana Stranfield.
I forgot for sometime what my life has held up until now. I am reminded when I see my father in the same shambled apartment I grew up in, of what could have been. He lives on borrowed time he's 52. My sister and I know he is moments away from being gone at any time. It takes him too long to remember us; he still works some low-end job because he has too. I know he will die before he reaches an age for social security, that's if he doesn't need to be placed in a home beforehand. It's all hard to watch, the man who raised me, the one who showed a fury of anger and compassion will be gone soon and I will never be able to explain my past. I will remember him and not what he was or is. He will become that quick answer I give " I love my Dad, he was a good Father". But I will never forget what could have been and what I choose never to become, because of my daughter.
I never want to see my daughter a bubbly, blue-eyed, social butterfly become a withdrawn and jaded person. I don't want her to live half-truths and fall asleep to hopes. I never want to hear a prayer from her to a god who might be deaf or blind. For all these reasons and more I am now the person I always wanted to become. The person I always have been but just now noticed. I take great pride when I tell others that I have already been there. Most my friends are in their late twenties and thirties, just now having children and divorces, just now becoming a full person one way or another. I tell them the advice of my sister and/or what secrets babies can hold.
I still think of god and as blind and deaf as he might be I know he can feel what is in my heart.
User Reviews
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2004-10-05 17:23:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Hadley Tobedone says:
Ivisticate seeburainol bettaradox.
Submitted by sarahbear (user info) at 2004-10-05 17:06:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Holy shit. I feel like you just took a loaded gun out of my hand kristen. The only thing I was told about the recall was that it made a person sterile and thats why it was recalled. I've had one tube replaced but other then that I had no clue. Holy shit depo here I come.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-10-05 13:52:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sarahbear (user info) at 2004-10-05 07:14:59 (#)
Ranking: 0
I hate the stigma and stereotype I carry with me and I hate the people who fit that stereotype because I am a bigot (think thats the right word.) Depth and emotion will come in time. I am still a -2 Die newbie. And ofcourse there was a condom, what it did for me I have no clue. I don't trust them anymore I go with inplanted birth control. Expensive, effective as all hell. Norplant ROCKS. Pass it on.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Interestingly enough, I became pregnant with my daughter while I was on Norplant. Turns out, they'd had a recall 4 years ago, when I first got my Norplant, because some sticks lacked the hormones needed to prevent pregnancy. Since they had no way of knowing which were effective and which weren't, they recalled. Anyway, my OB didn't call me with that news and being a whopping 18 years old, I wasn't savvy enough to read a newspaper. Fast forward a couple years and SURPRISE!
Not to mention I have these ugly scars on my upper arm from when the Norplant was removed.
The only way to protect yourself from getting knocked up again is to swallow. Pass it on.
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-10-05 08:59:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Shake them haters off, Sarah. This was a decent post. You made an effort to be honest, real and sincere. Just because you may not be an English major, doesn't mean you don't deserve to have an outlet to express your feelings.
Looks like you had a rough go early on. But it also seems that you've gained a little wisdom since...and maybe even a little perspective too. Good luck to you.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2004-10-05 07:53:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sarahbear (user info) at 2004-10-05 07:14:59 (#)
Ranking: 0
I hate the stigma and stereotype I carry with me and I hate the people who fit that stereotype because I am a bigot (think thats the right word.) Depth and emotion will come in time. I am still a -2 Die newbie. And ofcourse there was a condom, what it did for me I have no clue. I don't trust them anymore I go with inplanted birth control. Expensive, effective as all hell. Norplant ROCKS. Pass it on.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
People give you shit for being a newbie. I've always hated that, which is why I gave you a 0 instead of "minus2 die". If I posted my first ever post today instead of then it would have probably got pretty good reviews, as it was I got shit from everybody, so have this plus2 on me.
Sucks about the condom, my former statements in regard to you personally are all rescinded, and depth and emotion will come in time. People seem to go for my posts because I describe the emotions I'm feeling. You're vocabulary and imagniation are clearly capable and I will watch out for your next post.
Submitted by sarahbear (user info) at 2004-10-05 07:14:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I hate the stigma and stereotype I carry with me and I hate the people who fit that stereotype because I am a bigot (think thats the right word.) Depth and emotion will come in time. I am still a -2 Die newbie. And ofcourse there was a condom, what it did for me I have no clue. I don't trust them anymore I go with inplanted birth control. Expensive, effective as all hell. Norplant ROCKS. Pass it on.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2004-10-05 07:09:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by sarahbear (user info) at 2004-10-05 07:00:48 (#)
Ranking: 0
Ahem Mr. wolf, I hate pregnant girls at 16 and whiners. I hate single mothers who milk our welfare system then have cable Tv something I can't even afford. I hate middle class hormonal teens who flood the internet and overly stimulated 20 something guys who rage out in forums. I hate it when my jack russle shits on my kitchen floor right before I go to bed even though he just got inside and I have to clean it up because he will try to eat it. I hate lots of things too. cheers piss-ant.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bwahahahahahaha... well said
I apologise, I had the feeling you were also one of those people you yourself hate. I have to enquire though did you not use protection?
You got me bagged too... I am an over-stimulated 20 something. ;)
My statement still stands though, this lacked emotion and description.
Submitted by sarahbear (user info) at 2004-10-05 07:00:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ahem Mr. wolf, I hate pregnant girls at 16 and whiners. I hate single mothers who milk our welfare system then have cable Tv something I can't even afford. I hate middle class hormonal teens who flood the internet and overly stimulated 20 something guys who rage out in forums. I hate it when my jack russle shits on my kitchen floor right before I go to bed even though he just got inside and I have to clean it up because he will try to eat it. I hate lots of things too. cheers piss-ant.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2004-10-05 06:44:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I hate single parents, I hate people that get pregnant at 16, I hate people that blame there parents for there failiures, I hate girls sisters and friends who break up families with stupid shit like "he made you cry- he's an ass hole".
People make each other cry all the time, you should have told your sister to shut up then gone and got off your ass with your husband still in tow, once you realised for yourself that he was holding you back because he's a lazy ass hole you could have divorced him then.
Your sisters advice was rubbish, and that was the back bone of this post.
Fotunately it was well written as some sort of advice column, unfortunately this is not a support group and your "story" lacked any real emotion or descriptive writing rendering it plain.
I do however respect your bravery so have an overall "0"
Submitted by Amusingly_shaped_semen_stain (user info) at 2004-10-05 05:39:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Fuck you guys who negatived this! Being a single parent aint an easy job. You guys are too quick to judge.
'OMG!!1 U caem home drunnk!!11 Ur teh bad parent!1! ROFLCOPTER!!11one'
Give her a break, this wasnt bad. Dont give a -2 just because of other posts.
ps - whoever thought up that roflcopter thing is a cunt.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2004-10-05 05:12:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sarahbear: then I'll level my score out to a zero. it wasn't altogether a bad story.
"Appearance is everything at first and nothing in the end" that is the only proverb you'll ever need. Think about it for a bit and you'll see what I mean.
The whole "one who is worth it will never make you cry" thing is so cliche.
You'll never know they really are worth it until you are crying, because thats when you will find out if they have any compassion at all.
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2004-10-05 05:07:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I want, I must, I will.
Submitted by Vanilla (user info) at 2004-10-05 05:06:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
" Some ask for fetshes like biting my ass and I casually tell them " honey you don't know where my asses been . . " "
Funny, not a lot of people aspire to be strippers in a dodgy joint.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-10-05 05:03:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-06-15 12:41:50 (#)
Ranking: -2
"A MUST READ!"
------The National Enquirer
"REQUIRED READING AT ALL LEVELS!"
------Weekly World News.
"EROTIC!"
------Hustler Magazine.
"HOLY SHIT THIS BLEW MONKEY CHUNKS!"
------Bigmike.
Submitted by sarahbear (user info) at 2004-10-05 05:01:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
not a lying and or irresposible parent, I do not have my daughter 24-7. It's 50-50 with my ex and through court he gets her for 3 weeks during the summer which I was in the middle of moving this summer and stayed with some freinds. Thank you.
Before anyone says anything she is his world and he is very good to her. Unlike alot of cases it was by far not a messy divorce and he makes up for everything by what he does for her now.
Submitted by Vanilla (user info) at 2004-10-05 05:01:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
You shouldn't have started it off saying "-2 this if you want" that just gives away the fact that there will be something wrong with the post.
This had potential to be a really good story, and for the most part... it was interesting. But... bah, read what apollo said. Grammar....
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-10-05 04:54:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Actually scratch that.
Just read your other shit.
And shit is the word.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2004-10-05 04:51:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
So, let me get this straight:
You have a daughter. You leave her home with roommates who will do things while you're not there, as described in http://www.ubersite.com/m/47048 ? You came home drunk, too. Then you put ex-lax in gatorade that your little girl could have gotten ahold of?
So, one way, you're lying, the other, you're an irresponsible parent.
Winner!!
-2
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-10-05 04:38:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You obviously didn't do English in college.
Random commas make the baby jebus cry.