Velvet And Lace (500 hits)
Category: UberMadness! EntryRating: 2 on 3 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Falconer <revenge_of_the_killer_dustbin.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-10-05 13:49:52 EDT
This post was an official UberMadness! entry. Click here to view the original matchup.
"Hello, this is Velvet and Lace speaking...how may we...service you" A mild, seductive voice whispered over the phoneline.
"Erm...well...", stuttered Rob, "You couldn't put me on to the S&M chat could you?"
"WHAT!!" Shrieked the now-shrill voice over the phone, "You idiot! This is Velvet and Lace the clothes store, not some kind of obscene phone porn emporium."
"Hey!" cried Rob, picking up what was left of his pride from the floor, "I didn't phone an S&M chat to be abused!"
"Look," Rob continued, "I'm not a pervert or anything...but...could you..."
"Go on...could I what?" The shop clerk inquired cautiously.
"Could you pretend to be a horny latex-loving 58 year old nun called Candy Pantz?"
"NO!" She screamed.
"Is that a maybe?" Rob mumbled, humbled by her shock.
"Couldn't you go to some kind of club for that kind of disgusting thing?" She sneered.
"Well," began Rob, completely unaware of her disdain, "It's been lonely since my wife left me and took my beloved children away...in a blaze of gunfire."
"Aww..." She said, hushed with pity, "Dare I ask why she left?"
"Well...I pretended I was a necrophilliac and asked her to play dead."
"URGH!" She groaned, "God, I think I'm going to puke."
"Well...it was either that or the time I screamed her horse's name out in bed."
"What is wrong with you? Look, if you don't want to buy anything, I'm going to have to hang up on you..." she reached for the receiver.
"Look, I'm really sorry it's just I have this mental illness..." Rob mumbled apologetically.
"Oh...of course...I'm sorry, I should have realized" She replied sadly.
"TERMINAL HORNYNESS!" he screamed.
"Oh god, you disgust me! What the hell kind of motive do you have for this bullshit? Why don't you just phone your fucking S&M chatline and leave me the fuck alone!" She yelled, which would have attracted attention, if it wasn't half eleven.
"Because I lost their phone number?" responded the terminally stupid Rob.
"No, you dolt! What possessed you to call an S&M hotline in the first place? Why are you so warped?" The clerk demanded, almost screaming down the phone at this bizarre, maladjusted man.
"Well," he lamented, "It all began thirty three years ago. I was brought up in abject wonder, wrapped in velvet and lace, lead through life by the soft and gentle hands of my loving parents. The whole world was mine for the taking and everything was given to me. But my treatment wasn't all that is needed to raise a child. My parents taught me nothing of my own fallability, and in time I began to consider myself as the god they treated me like.
Women were the chief object of my troubled affections. As a good looking teen, I began to realize that I could win the heart of almost any woman I pleased. I quickly tired of the normal relationship between man and woman, and began to seek pleasure in the more dangerous and voyeuristic ways of life.
But in consequence my life took a drastic downhill turn; Shocked by my change in behaviour from well-read student to bohemian nymphomaniac. It was in the lows of one of my throes of lecherous passion that i realized i had to change my ways, and i slowly returned to my former standing as a virtuous man.
However tragedy struck me again when my parents were lost in a terrible car crash, sending me spiraling into depression. The family which i had found myself head of when i had stopped my perverted ways left me, was turning its back on me as i returned to the lust which i had long ago left when i realized it's emptiness for the first time. Desperate and alone again, i gave up all hope and turned to one of my old favourite S&M hotlines for comfort."
"I'm so sorry for all you've suffered," she mumbled.
"Thanks, it means a lot to me," he beamed, "Will you do me now?"
"WHAAAAAAT!?" She screamed.
"Aww crap. I should have read more than the first two chapters of 'How to lay gullible chicks'." He moaned.
"Urgh! That's it. The phone is going down in three seconds unless you give me a good reason to stay talking to your scumbag arse." She spat, her patience torn to shreds.
"Wait...wait!" He pleaded.
"What is it?" She snapped.
"What kind of women's underwear is it that you sell?"
User Reviews
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-08-31 09:10:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Uh, never mind, I'll try this one in your Uberhandle first. :p
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-08-31 09:10:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey Falconer - you have an e-mail address I can use to communicate Ubermusic project info to you? Let me know - captainthorns.at.gmail.com.
Thanks!
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2005-01-16 12:10:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
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