“I’ll Bet Gay People Take Huge Dumps” (2220 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.87 on 48 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by youarsoghey (View user info) at 2004-10-05 15:56:11 EDT
If you've ever lived in a dorm, or if you have ever been in any sort of close proximity to other people for a long period of time, I think you can understand where I'm coming from here. As I think back on last year, my freshman year at college, there are many positive things I remember about dorm life. Hallway hockey, endless games of Halo, and running into my friend's room screaming in an Arabic accent "Excuse me, sir, but I can trade you six camels for your virgin friend there!" while he was having sex are some of the things I miss. However, aside from the small rooms and shitty food, I can really only remember one reason why I would never want to live in a dorm again: the people.
Quite possibly the most annoying thing in the world is when some drunken assholes run down the hallway after midnight screaming:
"WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
Then they'd turn around at the end of the hall:
"WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
It normally took five or ten minutes to complete this exercise. Unfortunately for most of us, we had 8AM classes the next morning and were trying to sleep while the Retard Express was running round trips from room 307 to room 319. If it was just one or two nights in a semester, I honestly wouldn't mind all that much and chalk it up to occasionally odd drunkenness. But this was happening every other day. One night we decided that they had to be stopped, and my roommate, Nick, and I were the ones who had to stop them.
Over the course of the next few days, we devised a plan that would punish those bastards once and for all.
======================================================
At about 1:30 in the morning, we heard them coming. There were two of them. They were screaming like idiots about how great college is and why girls are so awesome. Earlier in the night, I had attached one end of a nearly invisible string to a metal ring that was conveniently placed about one foot off the ground on the wall opposite my door. As they ran in front of room 314 (my room), I saw the shadows pass the door and I put the plan into action.
I picked up the string which was strung through the opening in the door and attached it to a metal bar that was bolted very firmly into the wall. Nick and I pulled down our ski masks and he handed me one of his real-looking plastic pistols that were actually very fake. We heard the high-pitched wailing come back down the hallway.
The Retard Express was about to get derailed.
We heard, "WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE - AH!" followed by a quick *THUMP* and another *THUMP*.
That was our signal and we went. We screamed loudly and said things in German like "Scheisse!" "Halt!" and "Ferflukte Hunde!" The two guys were on the ground in a considerable amount of pain, but it didn't seem to be that serious. They were clearly shocked by the new events that had taken place. They turned on their backs and looked at us, eyes wide with fear.
We pointed our fake guns at them and said, "DON'T MOVE!" in a thick German accent. They complied, but only because they were so drunk that they had no idea what was going on.
"Now, which vun of you vere making all zee noise?" I said.
"Uhh...uhh..."
Nick looked them over and said, "Your shits must be huge."
"My what?" said the one on the right.
"Your shits. I'll bet gay people take huge shits."
"I...huh?"
"Vee are German terrorists as you might have been able to tell," I said. "Zee next time you make any noise in zis hallway, vee vill execute vun hostage! Do you vont zat on your conscience? I zink not."
Nick gave them a disgusted look and said, "Now get up and run away before vee shoot you vere you lie. RUN!" The two kids got up and scrambled down the hallway. I think they were more freaked out than they were scared, but in the end, the mission was successful anyway. Only once, a few months later, did they make noise in the hallway again. What's even more amazing is that they probably forgot which room we came out of so we never got in trouble.
The next day, we printed out a bunch of fliers and put them up to inform others that they shouldn't be such morons. Thankfully, the German terrorists paid for all the paper.
User Reviews
Submitted by benjamindover (user info) at 2004-12-01 13:33:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"The Retard Express was about to get derailed." lol that alone deserves +2
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2004-11-05 19:55:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I used to do that, except I would be in a shopping cart, and someone would push me!
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-10-09 20:41:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sad I didn't find this goldpile a long time ago.
Submitted by Koco (user info) at 2004-10-09 20:00:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TaK (user info) at 2004-10-07 12:21:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You kick ass, this post kicked ass, and German terrorists kick ass.
Kick ass.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-10-06 21:58:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Submitted by untito (user info) at 2004-10-06 16:46:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i've been lurking on uber for a long time, this post made me sign up because i'm pissed nobody has suggested this for bored at work yet. here it is:
B@W
Submitted by lrw (user info) at 2004-10-06 15:12:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
quite funny...where are you from?
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2004-10-06 14:56:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!
Retard Express!
Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!
Submitted by BoogieFevuh (user info) at 2004-10-06 14:49:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliance!
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-10-06 14:36:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Goddamned hilarious.
Submitted by downerSTAIN (user info) at 2004-10-05 22:02:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Lyric (user info) at 2004-10-05 21:56:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like how "Freight Train" rated something that refers to the Retard Express as -1.
I laughed. I would have kicked their ass, though, rather than just tried to scare them.
Submitted by Freight_Train (user info) at 2004-10-05 21:42:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
honestly?
lame
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-10-05 21:26:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You had me laughing out loud with the Retard Express.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2004-10-05 19:39:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
They do.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-10-05 19:09:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
gute stoff!
Submitted by Genko (user info) at 2004-10-05 18:59:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Vat person vould give zis zee negative rating?
Submitted by espo (user info) at 2004-10-05 18:36:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ahh yes. good old dorm life.
Submitted by Jo_of_the_golden_P (user info) at 2004-10-05 18:35:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
cute
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2004-10-05 18:30:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Schnell! Schnell!
Submitted by AvrilLaPete (user info) at 2004-10-05 18:23:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Eiken Glyfinder!
Good stuff, I like the fliers.
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2004-10-05 18:20:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
and no, they're normal sized
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2004-10-05 18:20:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
should have had me as your RA any of my residents ever woke me up and they paid for it in blood
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2004-10-05 17:52:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-10-05 17:16:26 (#)
Ranking: 2
STACHEN BLACHEN!!
------------
Is that the thing from Conan?
I LOVE IT!.
Great post, too.
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2004-10-05 17:45:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I haven't been reading your stuff lately, and frankly I have no clue why.
+2 funny
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-10-05 17:31:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
DAS EN HEIMEL BELICH ZUNDT!
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2004-10-05 17:26:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Drunken screaming in the halls?
People did that exact same thing when I was in school.
And by people I mean me.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-10-05 17:16:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
STACHEN BLACHEN!!
Submitted by strangeparadox (user info) at 2004-10-05 17:14:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Unfortunately for most of us, we had 8AM classes the next morning and were trying to sleep while the Retard Express was running round trips from room 307 to room 319
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gold
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2004-10-05 17:13:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2004-10-05 16:58:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jawohl! Du bist sehr fremd.
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2004-10-05 16:51:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Bob: Hey, it's 2AM, let's run around in the hallway and scream as loud as we can!
Frank: Hey, that's a great idea!"
Fucking hilarious.
Submitted by CoachMagirk27 (user info) at 2004-10-05 16:50:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by PWNstar (user info) at 2004-10-05 16:40:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What are you afraid of Tommy? ze Germans?
Submitted by geofroley (user info) at 2004-10-05 16:33:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuckin' A.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-10-05 16:32:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sehr gut!
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2004-10-05 16:21:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny
As
Hell
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2004-10-05 16:19:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-10-05 16:18:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tat iz awesaum!
Submitted by roxxxy4 (user info) at 2004-10-05 16:18:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Spiral_Abraxis (user info) at 2004-10-05 16:18:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-10-05 16:16:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by gibberish (user info) at 2004-10-05 16:13:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-10-05 16:06:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now that's funny.
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2004-10-05 16:05:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
In the words of Bill and Ted:
EXCELLENT!
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-10-05 16:05:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've always said that German terrorists were good for something in this world.
Submitted by great_angst (user info) at 2004-10-05 15:59:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment