The Color of Bitch (1897 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:non-fiction
Rating: 1.77 on 64 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle.muse.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-10-05 17:50:12 EDT
I wanted pale yellow. I could imagine the morning light coming through the curtains, bathing the room in gold until it felt and looked like liquid sunshine. He wanted pale green. I don't know why. I never bothered to ask.
It was such an insignificant thing, such a small facet of our life together. What color do we paint our bedroom? But somewhere along the way, somewhere in the color cards and sheets, somewhere in the sample pots of paint that collected in our linen cupboard like long forgotten toys, it became a metaphor for our entire fiery, tumultuous, clash of wills relationship.
I wanted yellow. He wanted green. We were still undecided when I went to visit family for a weekend. I came home to find my bedroom painted in the most irritating shade of mint green you can possibly imagine. He had the front, the nerve, the solid rock balls, to show me with excitement in his voice, lit up like a kid.
"See, honey? Isn't it great? I knew that if you saw it, you'd love it."
I knew - I KNEW - that losing my temper would mean he'd won. (I never said it was a healthy relationship.) So I smiled through gritted teeth and said "You were right, love. It's great."
I slept in that room for three weeks until he went away for work. It took me and my two best friends an afternoon to paint it pale yellow. When he came home, I never said a word about it. Neither did he. I assumed the battle was won and I'd hear no more of this nonsense about him having a choice in the matter.
It was a month before I went away again. I came home to blue. Bright cobalt blue. Two weeks later, he came home after a weekend away with his friends to a lovely lilac.
Over the next year, it was a silent war. It went from "I want, you want" to seeing who could come up with the worst possible color choice for a bedroom. I met incandescent purple with vomit green, he countered mud brown with flat black. The paint tins were piling up in the shed, and our friends had stopped answering the phone when they knew one of us was going away. The hardware store owners opened their arms wide when they saw us coming. And not once did we say a word about it to each other.
It was after he delivered the winning stroke of bright pink with yellow stripes that I cracked. I came home and walked into the room while he carefully stayed at the other end of the house. I started laughing so hard I fell to the floor, curled up and hugging myself, with tears pouring down my face. He must have been worried I was setting fire to his monstrosity because he came looking for me after about five minutes. The sight of him was all it took to set me off again.
"How long - " I was laughing so hard I could barely breathe, let alone speak - "how long did this take you?"
He grinned almost reluctantly. "Three days. Stripes are tricky."
We went through three bottles of wine that night, painting the room back to its original pale cream. We sat on the dropcloth, back to back, at four in the morning. We were more than a little drunk, happily inhaling paint fumes, and looking at the wall.
I felt... empty. What now? Were we going to have to communicate like normal people now? Would we have to speak to each other in words, rather than through shocking paint colors?
He spoke thoughtfully. "You know, I've been thinking. We should have a pet. I'd like a canary or two."
I immediately countered, grinning to myself, leaning against him. "I've always wanted fish."
User Reviews
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-04-18 08:12:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-04-18 07:55:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-12-19 19:35:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Pink with yellow stripes?
Nice...
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-09-01 11:37:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've decided: I want in your marriage. I don't care how. I. Want. In.
Submitted by CoreaPeekay (user info) at 2005-05-27 15:57:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
cant believe you got stoned on regular wallpaint fumes. We don't even use respirators for that, but the story is hilarious. I could see my girlfriend and I doing something similar to that.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-05-27 15:46:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You guys should get a pet Elephant
Submitted by Sounsexy00 (user info) at 2005-05-27 15:46:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn you and your good writing and yuor relationship that I so badly want to have.
-Hadley
Go wine red!
Submitted by strider (user info) at 2005-05-27 15:44:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by NavyJester (user info) at 2004-10-05 22:58:49 (#)
Ranking: 2
This is literary prime rib.
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2005-05-27 15:27:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am listening to Billie Holiday and it's making me happy.
This post also made me happy.
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2004-12-11 23:10:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
It was a good story up until the very end part about the pets.
Then it just turned cheesy.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2004-12-11 23:10:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Circe.... woman... you are MY kinda nutcase....
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2004-12-11 23:07:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is good enough that MrPresident will have to give it a -2 any time now...
Since he's an idjit.
Submitted by Demolocke (user info) at 2004-12-11 22:59:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant! (fist in air)
There are now two authors (comicbookguy being the other) who write so incredibly well that I've got it on my to-do list to go back and read some of their older material.
Submitted by FuckTheArmy (user info) at 2004-11-15 06:31:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Better insane than boring.
Submitted by Ivy (user info) at 2004-11-15 06:20:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2004-11-15 06:10:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think this is one of the first circe posts I've read and I have to say it was teh awesome.
It reminded me of some real bitter memories full of stupid arguments and breakdowns in communication with my last girlfriend. I worry constantly that me and my current girlfriend will eventually lose the ability to talk to one another and I now keep constant checks to make sure we don't.
I think Im probably doing the relationship equal damage by analysing it so closely.
Submitted by Kopesh (user info) at 2004-11-15 05:42:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
it's worth a +10 in my book... great read.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-10-18 12:15:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bwahahaha
I love you
Submitted by Sis <sismo12345.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-10-12 14:10:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thank Snark for this review. He told me you were good. I had to find out. Sis(aka: Rebecca)
Submitted by blujnbbyqn (user info) at 2004-10-07 02:36:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice
Michelle
Submitted by bluegoddess (user info) at 2004-10-06 18:14:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sekeeth (user info) at 2004-10-06 17:42:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good post.
DETROIT ROCKS
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-10-06 17:36:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is charming.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-10-06 17:34:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this is really, really, really good
Submitted by boredgurl210 (user info) at 2004-10-06 17:23:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-10-06 16:51:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-10-06 16:41:21 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-10-05 18:36:45 (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh NO! You would have had a zoo in your home in no time.
________
You have no idea. Things learned from that experience: Mice smell, kittens grow up, and rabbits are the most boring pets alive.
----------------------
...you forgot "kids shit all over the floor".
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-10-06 16:50:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
They sound like women when they scream...
And I'll be there to +2 it, Snark baby. Take that how you want.
Rebecca, indeed.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-10-06 16:48:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fack!!!
Here's that +2 back.
Sorry, my next post is going to be called "Snarks a Fucking Tard"
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-10-06 16:47:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Under the right cirmumstances Rabbits scream.
What's boring about that?
I read that somewhere...
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-10-06 16:41:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-10-05 18:36:45 (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh NO! You would have had a zoo in your home in no time.
________
You have no idea. Things learned from that experience: Mice smell, kittens grow up, and rabbits are the most boring pets alive.
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-10-06 08:12:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lovely...and vaguely familiar.
Submitted by yidele (user info) at 2004-10-06 03:58:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good.
Submitted by icarus9mm (user info) at 2004-10-06 03:47:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for actually painting.
i got married (mistake #1) and we bought a house (mistake #2) a couple years ago.
when she said, "we should repaint in here." I (mistake #3) went along with it.
and i painted the whole damn house. more or less on my own. she had friends over for paint parties, presumably so i could go in after to fix thier mistakes and make everything take longer than neccessary.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2004-10-06 03:30:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The ability to write posts like this is the reason
you're going to win UberMadness.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-10-06 00:53:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have some striped walls. They're realllllly broad stripes though, and the colors are coordinated and one is a neutral, so it looks nice.
I think.
Or maybe I'm one step away from pink and yellow stripes myself?
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2004-10-06 00:43:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was really hoping you were going to keep the pink and yellow stripes.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-10-06 00:43:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love this. Plaid, however, would have made me chuckle even more.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-10-05 23:35:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
THIS.......now this is something.
I loved this.
I let my wife paint the house any color she wants. It's called survival.
Submitted by NavyJester (user info) at 2004-10-05 22:58:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is literary prime rib.
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2004-10-05 22:46:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Should've left it blue.... He wouldn't have expected that, and you KNOW he hated it too.
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-10-05 22:36:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yay!
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-10-05 21:14:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was great. I don't know what it was, but I absolutely loved this post.
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-10-05 21:05:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-10-05 20:57:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
I could see myself doing this.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-10-05 20:57:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I could see myself doing this.
Submitted by strangeparadox (user info) at 2004-10-05 19:09:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you rock..i like the way you think
Submitted by mles76 at 2004-10-05 19:07:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What a relaxing story. I like it.
Submitted by MouRNIngLoRY (user info) at 2004-10-05 19:03:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
what an excellent piece. it really made me want to fall in love. or at least figure out my sexuality so i could fall in love. life is weird.
but overall, awesome piece.
Submitted by legallady (user info) at 2004-10-05 18:56:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice work.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-10-05 18:36:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh NO! You would have had a zoo in your home in no time.
Reading this post brings two, count'em TWO, songs to mind...
"Cause they were painters and they had painted themselves a lovely wooorrllld."
"I see a bedroom and I want to paint it black."
Ok, that last one I changed a bit, but I think that's what Mick and the boys were going for, anyway.
Oh, one more thought I had...it reminded me of those "Rabbit Season...Duck Season" arguments that Daffy and Bugs used to have... All you had to do was paint the room the original green he wanted and in his maleness he would have countered with the yellow you had originally wanted. Then you could have gracefully forfeited and admitted defeat, and you both would have won.
Ok, I'll shut up now.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-10-05 18:28:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Black.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-10-05 18:26:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
mmhmm... Yellow? I find that hard to believe. Who wants a yellow bedroom? Green is MUCH better.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2004-10-05 18:23:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Hadley Tobedone says:
I think 'bitch' is flesh colored, with spots of pink.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2004-10-05 18:11:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Superb
-Davros
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2004-10-05 18:05:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Alright.
Submitted by engine13 (user info) at 2004-10-05 18:05:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Whatever works.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-10-05 18:03:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by cexshun (user info) at 2004-10-05 18:02:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Great story. Nice to know there's another unconventional couple out there besides my wife and me that expresses love in ways others find appalling or even offensive.
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2004-10-05 18:00:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-10-05 17:59:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very good.
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2004-10-05 17:59:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I actually did Laugh Out Loud. Superb.
Submitted by skaville (user info) at 2004-10-05 17:59:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I think I'm going to be sick all over your cream colored walls !
Submitted by Anjie (user info) at 2004-10-05 17:59:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Love it....
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2004-10-05 17:58:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A post about painting a bedroom?
Yet it was so fucking good.
Submitted by gibberish (user info) at 2004-10-05 17:57:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by big_wigger (user info) at 2004-10-05 17:55:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
very tragic romantic...and good
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-10-05 17:53:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You just fucking rock.
Nuff said.