SAVE the PLANKTON!!! (1198 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: ETS_Comedy_Writing
Rating: 1.53 on 41 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (View user info) at 2004-10-05 21:57:19 EDT
What would you do if someone you love were suddenly swept away by a malicious and unseen predator? What would you do if you were suddenly faced with the daunting challenge of surviving without the support and benefit of your family and friends? Well that's exactly the kind of reality that millions of poor, defenseless plankton are faced with everyday...
Hi, I'm Sally Struthers. Every year, billions of innocent plankton are brutally murdered by malicious, marauding whales. These senseless acts of cowardice and evil go largely unchecked, and are in some cases even encouraged by our governments.
In the United States, for example, millions of public tax dollars are spent annually in support of this speciocidal brutality. Organizations such as PETA, Greenpeace, The Save the Whale Foundation, and many other private 'non-profit' organizations also participate in this heinous and pathological evil by funding research that supports the terrorist whales, while every year more and more plankton succumb to the throes of poverty and disease in their war-torn sea homes.
Living in general squalor, your typical plankton child is lucky to get one meal a day. On top of the whale problem, with no hospitals or much-needed life-saving drugs, the typical life span of an average plankton is a little over 72......................hours. *tear
Will you join me, and 20 or so other Americans (as well as people in other lesser countries not worth mentioning, like Japan) in the fight to save these beautiful and misunderstood creatures? Call today for your free introductory packet at no obligation. Inside you'll find a picture and story of a plankton who needs you! Just 70 cents a day can provide the sunshine and water these plankton so desperately need.
How much would you really miss 70 cents a day? You probably lose more than that in the cushions of your couch... For the cost of your morning coffee, you could save the life of one special plankton who needs YOUR help. So, what are you waiting for??? Together we can kill a whale, but more importantly, we can save the plankton... Call today.
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This is Kathryn Hepburn of Plankton-Reach; won't you join Sally Struthers and me in our fight to restore these beautiful and majestic creatures to their rightful place on the food chain right below badgers? Our operators are standing by. Please pick up your phone and call now, or you'll feel guilty you didn't, and perhaps even go to hell for it, because Jesus loves plankton and so should you. You didn't think he walked on water all by himself do you? That's right, Jesus knew the value and beauty that lives in each plankton, and he called upon them in the execution of one of his most famous magic tricks.
Here is some sad string music and pictures of various plankton with flies in their faces. Notice how the don't even swat them away anymore...it's so sad! We all know how annoying that is, and we wouldn't want to see it happen to any more plankton.
Call today...our operators are standing by...
User Reviews
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-02-11 02:01:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by eIectrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-10-23 16:51:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This is an excellent time for you to become a missing person.
Submitted by equaIizer (user info) at 2004-10-20 23:13:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
If you were twice as smart as you are now, you'd be absolutely stupid.
Submitted by Ringo at 2004-10-20 16:07:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm proud of you Hunny Bunny!
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-10-20 16:07:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks G-man! Jesus is proud of you...and Ringo is proud of you too, aren't you Ringo?
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-10-20 13:03:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Plankton is the base of the food chain and, could I even say, the basis for life as we know it. I fully endorse this message.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-10-18 21:27:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I still think we should save the bastards.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-10-07 03:00:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HELL NO, WE WON'T GO! SAVE THE PLANKTON ... Yeah, OK, I've got nothing.
Hey, as long as we're linkwhoring...
http://www.ubersite.com/m/45242
http://www.ubersite.com/m/37436
http://www.ubersite.com/m/35477
http://www.ubersite.com/m/35284
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-10-06 22:21:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I know dude...it doesn't matter...
Fuck it. I give up. Nobody wants wo save the plankton. It's just not a noble persuit to them. I'll just have to learn to either post at better times, or not at all. Or, change my username to Bart'sSideburnDonkeyRazor. Then perhaps I could cross over into the elusive inner-sanctum of people whose posts get clicks.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-10-06 22:00:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hey, I was just helping you getting your hits here butt buddy.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-10-06 16:44:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Gosh, Frenchman, Can't you JUST LET IT GO!?
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-10-06 16:02:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
let's give it another run son....weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-10-06 14:24:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ok, last time, I swear!
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-10-06 12:36:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2004-10-06 12:21:48 (#)
Ranking: 2
-2 you damned dirty link-whore.
Wait, what's that? You wrote "Beggar's Banquet?" Oh. Carry on then. +2.
Oh yeah, and this was funny too. I have a pet african child because my wife went to some sort of conference with my neice. My neice was so taken by the plight of the poor starving children that she vowed to use her allowance to help them.
That lasted about a month. Now I pay $26 bucks a month for the next 9 years, because you just CAN'T stop paying into something like that after you start. You get an express ticket to hell for that.
Worst thing is, we just got her report card and the stupid little bitch is getting almost straight D's. Oh no, not while I'M paying to purify your drinking water sweetheart. You better get those grades up if you don't want a scortching case of dysentary. Now hit those damned books.
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Now that is one ungrateful little disadvantaged bitch! She's probably spending your $0.70 a day on blow! Little cunt!
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-10-06 12:33:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fair enough. Good post, but putting it on the uberboard is a much more effective way of getting your point across.
And it doesn't make you a linkwhore.
Submitted by great_angst (user info) at 2004-10-06 12:32:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sally Strothers = automatic +2
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-10-06 12:27:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-10-06 11:42:25 (#)
Ranking: 0
And i can tell you enjoy giving it...what a symbiotic relationship we seem to have going here!
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Yes yes, kinda like a father to son thing. You are one needy child.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2004-10-06 12:21:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
-2 you damned dirty link-whore.
Wait, what's that? You wrote "Beggar's Banquet?" Oh. Carry on then. +2.
Oh yeah, and this was funny too. I have a pet african child because my wife went to some sort of conference with my neice. My neice was so taken by the plight of the poor starving children that she vowed to use her allowance to help them.
That lasted about a month. Now I pay $26 bucks a month for the next 9 years, because you just CAN'T stop paying into something like that after you start. You get an express ticket to hell for that.
Worst thing is, we just got her report card and the stupid little bitch is getting almost straight D's. Oh no, not while I'M paying to purify your drinking water sweetheart. You better get those grades up if you don't want a scortching case of dysentary. Now hit those damned books.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-10-06 12:03:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, AJ, come on! As if we needed another debate post...even if it is one expressing apathy for debates.
Submitted by strider (user info) at 2004-10-06 11:58:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
pic did it, +2
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-10-06 11:55:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your best post ever, Electro.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-10-06 11:52:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
For bitching about it on my post.
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2004-10-06 11:49:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For getting kicked off the front page
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-10-06 11:42:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
And i can tell you enjoy giving it...what a symbiotic relationship we seem to have going here!
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-10-06 11:14:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-10-06 09:14:57 (#)
Ranking: 0
fucking debate posts pushed me off the front page already!
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I can tell you thrive for for attention
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-10-06 10:40:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Baking powder
Submitted by NavyJester (user info) at 2004-10-06 09:24:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was great. Loved the pic!
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-10-06 09:14:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
fucking debate posts pushed me off the front page already!
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-10-06 01:51:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
electro is autistic...can't be you
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2004-10-06 01:47:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
(Gasp!) Electro = ETS?
I don't buy it. Or, maybe I do. I'm sleepy.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-10-06 00:41:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well, I AM the REAL ELECTRO!
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-10-05 23:01:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
He mistook you for electro.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-10-05 22:59:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Dude, I don't know who you think I am, but I don't even DO animations!
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2004-10-05 22:36:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Hadley Tobedone says:
I never thought anything could make your animations look good. But you learn something new every day.
Submitted by snootymop (user info) at 2004-10-05 22:30:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
moo
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-10-05 22:22:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-10-05 22:18:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Look what you've done now Fetish! You've ruined my plans for perfection and total world domination! Thanks a LOT!
Submitted by Duke_Prometheus_III (user info) at 2004-10-05 22:02:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I enjoyed reading this a hell of a lot. BAM!
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-10-05 22:01:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2004-10-05 22:00:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The pic secured the +2.
We HAVE to do something to stop this madness!
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2004-10-05 22:00:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If I was a whale, I'd hate you.