I like to shoot customers with my "laser". (3229 hits)
Category: SportsRating: 1.73 on 50 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jonukah (View user info) at 2004-10-06 01:21:02 EDT
Hugh? I still work at Sears? How did this happen? I distinctly remember quitting....oh well. This happens fairly frequently. The best thing you can do for yourself at Sears is quit for reason of schooling. That way, they will take you off of the schedule, but say you can come in to work whenever you can. In essence: You make up your own hours.
So that is where my employment stands. I also make up for my lack of quitting by being a horrible sales associate and doing as little work as possible. I've devised a few ways to pass the time while working in the electronics department which, appropriately enough, has turned into my latest "top ten" and first post in many weeks. So, without further ado:
Ways I pass my time at Sears
1. Pretending the "laser" barcode scanner is a gun and shooting people with it.
This one is probably my favorite. I originally augmented the experience by making Star Wars gun sounds when I shot people. "Beeeeuuuuuuw.......beeeeeeoooooow." Recently, however, I've been on a Duck Hunt kick, and I recreate the sound effects from the game as I fire my level-two "laser" (which can cause blindness!)
"Quack...quack"
"POOUUWW!"
"Thunk"
"DEET-DEE-DOO-DOO-DEE-DEET"
And, of course, after every tenth person I do the advance level sounds and tune....
"Plink......Plink.....Plink......Dum-da-dum-dumpt-Dum-da-dum-dumpt-Dum-da-dum-dumpt doodoodeet Doodoodee-DooDooDeet-DOODOODEET"
If, FOR ONCE, ONE CUSTOMER reacted to being shot appropriately, I swear I'd give them 10% off anything in my department.
2. Slapping magnetic strips on people, wait for them to walk through our detectors at the door, then yell "SWARM! SWARM!" as the alarm goes off. I would do this over the PA, and then demand to strip search them upon finding nothing in their pockets, but a respectable associate wouldn't do that sort of thing, now would he?
3. Self-censoring my alleged foul language (usually directed at Kyle Boller on Sundays, with every horribly-conceived play beautifully depicted on our HDTVs) by stealthily moving a magnet over the demagnetizer (Which creates a lovely electronic beep sound)
"God <BEEP>, Boller, can't you make one <BEEP> intelligent play to save your <BEEP> life? <BEEP>
4. Prank calling other departments in the store.
"HaLO? Is dis vacuums department? I've got question. If dis DYSON vacuum sucks at 10,000 the farce uv gwavity like da commersal ses, vy don't it cweate a bwack hole an' suck our ENTIRE sowar system into it? Secondwy, do you tink it tis stwong enough to suck dis hamster out uv me ass?"
5. Walk out of my department, venture into the mall, and play Duck Hunt on the Power Player demo. (This thing is awesome. It has dozens of old-school games like Galaga, Tank, Excite Bike, Super Mario Bros, Contra, and Tetris, all built right into the controller, which hooks up to any television via A/V cables.)
6. When I've denied all of the kids waiting in line a chance to play Duck Hunt, but entertained them nonetheless with my unsurpassed marksmanship, I will venture through the mall near all of the kiosks over and over again for the sole purpose of getting solicited by all of the commissioned associates. I do this for two reasons. One: It is generally the only way I find attractive young ladies crawling over each other to get my attention. And two: After a few laps, I will have all of my fingers polished, my back massaged by various unusual instruments, my hands moisturized, and I will learn more about cell phones than I could ever imagine.
7. After I've spent about half an hour of wandering through the mall, I'll go back into Sears, and clock out for lunch, but not before browsing through our pitiful movie selection for future purchases that I save coupons for..
8. After an hour break from lunch (not including my post-lunch trip to the bathroom after clocking in) I will change our satellite feed to a movie of my choice on a few of our displayed televisions, and spend the next two hours watching it. I strategically turn specific televisions to this channel around the department, so that when I have to grudgingly help customers, I can guess the answers to questions that I wasn't paying any attention to while I maneuver myself to watch X-Men 2.
10, When all else fails, and I'm really desperate to find something to do, I will actively help customers. This is only taken as a last resort, and with great caution. If one more old lady asks me what a DVD is, I'm putting a magnetic strip on her ass and hope she has a fit when the alarm goes off. I suppose that isn't as sadistic a reaction as you may have hoped, but it is hard to be mean to old ladies.
My Sears motto:
You've got questions? I've got better things to do.
User Reviews
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2005-04-30 01:33:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm actually kind of curious where number 9 went.
Ah, well.
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2005-02-01 03:51:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
...Power Player demo. (This thing is awesome. It has dozens of old-school games like Galaga, Tank, Excite Bike, Super Mario Bros, Contra, and Tetris, all built right into the controller, which hooks up to any television via A/V cables.)
=============================
I HAVE THIS. Best present I ever got. 12000 games. My current favorites include Arkanoid, Balloon Fight, and Tennis. Only thing missing is Volleyball, and that game where it's Mario and Luigi in that level (and only that level) where there's a POW button and crabs and birds come out of the pipes.
Ah, Japan. What would we do without it?
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-10-11 03:07:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2004-10-11 02:59:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
Has anybody ever told you that you look like me?
****
If they did they'd be lying.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2004-10-11 02:59:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Has anybody ever told you that you look like me?
Submitted by Seralena (user info) at 2004-10-08 22:51:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thank God I have a laptop. It gave when my face hit the screen. If only I hadn't drooled on the keyboard.
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-10-08 21:54:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Jon thinks his eyes mesmorize women... ahahahahahahahaha!
OW! Damnit.
I just smashed my face on the monitor.
Submitted by heyzues (user info) at 2004-10-08 20:11:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I saw a picture of my dad when he was my age and I swear to god you look exactly like him, so much so that it's kinda freakin me out.
Good post
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-10-08 20:08:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
'twas ok
Submitted by Seralena (user info) at 2004-10-08 20:02:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-10-06 01:25:50 (#)
Ranking: 0
God, I can't wait for you to post again so I can see yet another picture of you.
Really. I'm serious. No shit.
-------------
Outside of the fact that this was funny, I found that picture oddly sexy, despite the pink ear. Were you leaning on your hand before you took that picture?
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-10-08 19:58:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by hamilton (user info) at 2004-10-08 15:39:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
I will send you 20 dollars for that gun. I used to have one, but then I thought 'duck hunt? who the fuck likes that?"
I miss that gun so much...
------
I have an extra one kicking around in my garage for some reason...
Submitted by Sekeeth (user info) at 2004-10-08 19:46:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Well played.
Submitted by BoogieFevuh (user info) at 2004-10-08 19:24:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Kick ass, man. I have one of those guns, too. I've also got the 'light phaser' for the SEGA Master System.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-10-08 17:33:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2004-10-08 15:53:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"5. Walk out of my department, venture into the mall, and play Duck Hunt on the Power Player demo. (This thing is awesome. It has dozens of old-school games like Galaga, Tank, Excite Bike, Super Mario Bros, Contra, and Tetris, all built right into the controller, which hooks up to any television via A/V cables.)"
Did you know that these things are illegal bootlegs? I bet the box graphics featured Mario, Donkey Kong, Captain Crunch, Snow White, Donatello, Daffy Duck, etc.
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2004-10-08 15:47:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hi Randal.
Submitted by hamilton (user info) at 2004-10-08 15:39:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I will send you 20 dollars for that gun. I used to have one, but then I thought 'duck hunt? who the fuck likes that?"
I miss that gun so much...
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2004-10-08 13:25:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
pretty good
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-10-07 17:20:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wholeheartedly approve. Carry on.
Submitted by great_angst (user info) at 2004-10-06 20:36:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Orla (user info) at 2004-10-06 20:35:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If I'm ever in a store, and a sales associate shoots me with the price checker, I will fall as though slain by the spirit.
I used to work in Canadian Tire. However, I was a cashier, and it was almost always busy, so I spent my days dealing with irate customers.
Submitted by Ingsoc (user info) at 2004-10-06 20:19:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice!
Submitted by big_wigger (user info) at 2004-10-06 14:49:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
and people say the kids these days dont have a good work ethic
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-10-06 14:38:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very nice.
Submitted by jonukah (user info) at 2004-10-06 12:49:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What the fuck happened to number 9? Damn wordperfect and user-interface error!
Apollo: I miss my big, sexy teddy bear with the British accent. Goldeneye, indeed.
Loren: I used to work for full commission, but now I am hourly + negligible commission.
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-10-06 12:05:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't you earn commission Jon? That is, when/if you sell something... ?
I got my fingernails buffed on Sunday at the Palisades Mall. They're still nice and shiny. Those people are insane though, borderlining on physical assault at times. I did not make a purchase.
I liked the self censoring with the "beeps" - funny stuff.
Submitted by strider (user info) at 2004-10-06 12:05:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by runninginplace (user info) at 2004-10-06 11:32:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by triple_optics (user info) at 2004-10-06 11:22:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Timmah (user info) at 2004-10-06 11:14:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by wazzawazzayo (user info) at 2004-10-06 11:10:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bob Vila.
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2004-10-06 11:10:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You ANSWER the questions?! What you're supposed to do is look over thier shoulder and walk away.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-10-06 11:08:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This was pretty good. I'm a big fan of lazy, wiseasses. Like myself.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-10-06 10:56:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I bet you've gotten some dirty looks for number 1.
"Quack...quack"
"POOUUWW!"
"Thunk"
"DEET-DEE-DOO-DOO-DEE-DEET" indeed...
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2004-10-06 10:28:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
3. Self-censoring my alleged foul language (usually directed at Kyle Boller on Sundays, with every horribly-conceived play beautifully depicted on our HDTVs) by stealthily moving a magnet over the demagnetizer (Which creates a lovely electronic beep sound)
"God <BEEP>, Boller, can't you make one <BEEP> intelligent play to save your <BEEP> life? <BEEP>
_______________________________________________________-
Right on!
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-10-06 10:22:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-10-06 01:25:50 (#)
Ranking: 0
God, I can't wait for you to post again so I can see yet another picture of you.
Really. I'm serious. No shit.
*******
HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA
Oh, lord.
I don't know why I found that so funny.
Good post, bad math.
Submitted by Judoka (user info) at 2004-10-06 10:06:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ancius (user info) at 2004-10-06 09:35:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You were,are, and always will be the shiznat.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-10-06 09:31:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Duxk Hunt rocks... I wish I still had my NES.
Submitted by lsob at 2004-10-06 09:20:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah the laser gun thing is fun. I like to see how far they go and shoot girls boots with it. If an attractive female is wearing something sheer you can sometimes see through her shirt if you shine it on her chest. Do it while she looks for her drivers license. It's also fun to play sounds over the intercom. You can find quotes from movies online usign your station computer. And if you work at Best Buy like I do you can read Sports Ill or Entertainment. Thanks for more ideas.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-10-06 03:59:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jon my man, how the fuck are you?
Next ubercon we really have to play golden gun on golden eye.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-10-06 02:22:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha!
Submitted by Monarch (user info) at 2004-10-06 01:53:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*reads the last two reviews*
*realizes his mistake*
*laughs about it anyway*
Oh well!
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2004-10-06 01:52:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now, I'm no mathamatician dude, but I think you left out number 9. Maybe I read it wrong..
Submitted by Monarch (user info) at 2004-10-06 01:52:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2004-10-06 01:36:35 (#)
Ranking: 2
I like your work ethic ALOT. Seems very similiar to mine.
-----------------------
Hmm.... judging by user numbers, I think it's YOUR work that resembles HIS. =7
Nice to see you posting again Jonukah, it's been a little while!
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2004-10-06 01:36:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like your work ethic ALOT. Seems very similiar to mine.
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2004-10-06 01:33:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should have that ear thing checked out.
(still not sending pictures, sorry)
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-10-06 01:28:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto +2 for Duck Hunt references.
Submitted by ValakasDemon <shadowen31.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-10-06 01:27:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-10-06 01:25:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
God, I can't wait for you to post again so I can see yet another picture of you.
Really. I'm serious. No shit.
Submitted by jonukah (user info) at 2004-10-06 01:22:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Is my ear really that pink? WTF?