Toilet Humor (1247 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.88 on 21 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Spf-0 (View user info) at 2004-10-06 03:01:04 EDT
I had an epiphany the other day.
Now, this was not a mind blowing boom style epiphany where you discover that the wall has a nipple. Nor was it one of those where you throw your hands in the air, praise Jesus, and change religions. No, this was the kind of epiphany that sneaks up on you. The kind of epiphany that blindsides you on a lazy Tuesday afternoon while you're driving back from lunch. Right up there with the one you had while playing The Lion King on Sega Genesis. I'm talking about the one where, after your 45th attempt to beat Scar on the last level, you discover that if you borrow your friend's controller with the auto-fire capabilities, set the B button on full-auto and leave the game on over night, in the morning, Scar will be dead. What, that's never happened to you?
Like most great accomplishments of mankind, this epiphany hit me while I was on the toilet. To be exact, it was just before I relieved my bladder which was moments from rupturing and emptying roughly a half gallon of raspberry lemonade onto the linoleum. As I began to go about my business, I saw that the water was yellow. Not bright yellow, just tinged with it.
Now, I knew I had heard a flush before entering the bathroom. I'd spent the last 10 minutes sitting against the wall just outside the door banging my head in a futile effort to distract myself from the pain I was experiencing as a result of my liquid intake. And unless lemonade has a mind-altering property yet unknown to the masses, there was a flush. That urine was just stubborn stuff. Or the toilet sucked. I thought to leave a note to the owner of the place telling them they ought to upgrade from the 2.5 gallon tank to the full 5 gallons. Such better quality flushes.
A series of thoughts flashed quickly through my mind.
"I hate it when people leave piss in the toilet."
"I'm gonna kill the bastard that left this here."
"I bet this pisses other people off too." (Pun intended.)
"What if I could make it so that the next person's post-flush water turned yellow?"
"How can I make the post-flush water yellow?"
The engineering cogs in my brain kicked in.
Brain: Well, with only 50 toothpicks, we should probably place the supports here and...
Me: Dammit, we're not building a bridge. That was in 9th grade. We lost. Let it go.
Brain: Sorry. Post-flush water = yellow. Got it.
Me: So how do we do it?
Brain: You moron, where does the water come from?
Me: Uhh, the tank?
Brain: Ding Ding Ding, we have a winner.
Me: ... I'm no stranger to sarcasm.
Brain: Seriously, all we have to do, is pee in the tank, and don't flush. The next one in here will do what they do, flush, and bingo.
Me: Yellow water.
Brain: Do it now.
Me: Don't watch. I have stage fright.
So, I proceed to remove the porcelain lid. Shit. Murphy's found me. The water is to the top of the drain. No big deal, I'll empty it out a little, and "refill" it. Done. The tank water is a bright yellow. Thank God for sugar.
Brain: You done? Good, let's get out of here. I'm pretty sure that air freshener in here is killing off my cells.
Me: Wait, I want to make sure it works.
Brain: It'll work, trust me.
Me: Yeah, like the time you told me it would be a good idea to try to back flip off the deck at that party?
Brain: Hey! Look at all the sympathy you got!
Me: Heh, that was swe... No no no, that's not the point. I'm testing it.
I flush. The water drains. The anticipation builds. The water is still draining. The water goes yellow. Success!
Brain: Told you it would work. Next time, just tru... What the hell?
The water had gone clear again. It was still draining. Did the toilet screw up? Keep draining when it should be filling? I checked the piping in the tank. Now, I'm no plumber, though I am a Mario master, but everything looked fine. I guess it only seemed to drain for 5 minutes.
As the bowl filled, so did my heart. With dismay. The clear water was a slap to my face.
Me: You don't even know how a fucking toilet works.
Brain In a word... no.
User Reviews
Submitted by Trevor1st93 (user info) at 2006-03-05 19:00:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You know how to piss off a friend? Take a dump in the tank on the back of the toilet.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-05 06:52:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great talking between you and your brain. I wish my brain talked to me. You know, just drop in occasionally.
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-03-05 06:23:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I see some talent.
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2005-02-11 01:42:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Disektor (user info) at 2004-11-04 04:22:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck it. Who am I.. not Who I am.
Fuck you for making me make a typo. Fucker.
Submitted by Disektor (user info) at 2004-11-04 04:21:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
-2 diee!!!!!
Who I am to dissapoint?
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2004-11-04 04:04:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You know what?
This was fucking good.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2004-11-04 03:41:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because appaerntly we're twins.
Submitted by Spf-0 (user info) at 2004-10-06 17:20:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Whoa... I honestly didn't think I'd get this kind of reaction. I am slightly disappointed I didn't get and -2 DIE!'s. But, I'll live.
Thanks.
Submitted by wazzawazzayo (user info) at 2004-10-06 11:51:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
As the bowl filled, so did my heart. With dismay.
Have a +2.
Submitted by Millie_Grace (user info) at 2004-10-06 10:00:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
love the diaglog
Submitted by Totally_useless (user info) at 2004-10-06 09:50:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good job.
Stay out of the sun.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-10-06 09:38:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
One more to try when I leave the next hotel...
Submitted by NavyJester (user info) at 2004-10-06 09:14:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hehehehe! Good story. Is this really a first post? Holy crap.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-10-06 04:42:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hehehe
Submitted by General_Batsu (user info) at 2004-10-06 04:30:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It was well writen. Welcome, but if you post more than 2 times a day, someone will bitch at you, most likely the Eurotrash on this site. Spookster being that someone.
Submitted by triple_optics (user info) at 2004-10-06 04:19:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cool, you should use orange juice.
Submitted by Spookster (user info) at 2004-10-06 03:38:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Keep it up.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-10-06 03:14:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I agree with Zod, this is better than most first posts. +2 In hopes of more.
Submitted by Zod (user info) at 2004-10-06 03:05:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not too funny, but a good first post. Welcome.
Submitted by bootleg (user info) at 2004-10-06 03:04:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YES!!! heh