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Why donuts, floor cleaner and VagiSoothe don't combine to make a world-saving chemical (828 hits)

Category: Humor

Rating: 1.17 on 30 reviews (Rate this item) (V)

Submitted by VaginaMan (View user info) at 2004-10-06 16:23:59 EDT

I just can't help it. It's a sickness really. It's not my fault though, I swear. I didn't ask to be born into this world...

I....I'm a children's entertainer. I dress up as kids' favourite cartoon characters (such as Nixon. Ahahah! Yeah, hilarious. That's what I get hired for) and dance around, tell jokes, do songs, do magic, etc. At least I should do.

The last gig, I was asked to do a McDonalds party, so naturally I had to dress up as Ronald McDonald. But on that morning, my wife left me. Some nonsense about using a party balloon as a condom. You know, PMS shit.

So I turned up about half an hour late to the gig, and when I got there, some old biddy was waiting at the door, tapping her foot angrily. She made a point of looking at her watch.

"What time do you call this!" she screamed in my face as I walked up

"Fuckin' car broke down" I mumbled lazily

"What is that stench??! Have you been drinking alcohol??!" she bawled with righteous anger. Great, a Mormon.

"Furking....furking fuck OFF!!" I retaliated. Ha, that taught her. "Taught you didn't IT!!!" She stormed back inside.

Within ten minutes I was standing in front of a room of crouching, wide-eyed and expectant 5 year olds. None of them seemed to be fazed with the fact that my wig was lop-sided, my face was unshaven, my dungarees were oil-smeared (fucking clown-cars), I was wearing paper-mache shoes and was smoking a roll-up. Fair enough, I thought. I put my fag out on a wall and slapped my hands together in what I thought was a business-like way. I was wearing biker gloves.

"Sho YOU kiddiesh wanna have shome FUUUN?!?!" I screamed hoarsely

"Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!"

"Weh- Alright then! Here doll" I called a little blonde girl over. "Be a good lirdle girl and get Mc-fucking-Donald a beer eh?" I winked, gave her some money and she walked out the door dutifully. I noticed one of the adults ran after her. I never saw that money again.

So the rest of the party went well, although I did manage to singe my fucking costume and burn off a few 5-year-old eyebrows with my custom-made fart balloons.

The real trouble came when a poncy boy from the front called me a wanker. But I pride myself on how I handled the situation. I -calm as you like- put my beer down, took off my gloves and knelt down. Smiling benignly, I signalled for him to come up, like a friendly uncle would. When he got close enough, I planted my hand on the ground and swivelled my entire body so that I kicked him in the shins. That sent him to the ground, but I wasn't through with the little tyke. I knelt over him, turned him over and started bitch slapping his snotty-nosed face.

"SHO. I'M. A. WAN. KER. AM. I?????" I spoke as I beat him. A tweedy man jumped up indignantly. "I say stop it!" he cried, and ran/skipped over to me. I grabbed snot-boy's ankles, picked him up and swung him at the queer: "FUCK YOU POOF!!" I cracked him one across the jaw and he fell to the ground.

After that, I had to finish it. It was unstoppable. It was beyond me. Bam! I hit the old codger. Bam! Bam! Another two OAPs bit the dust. A swarm of kids encircled me, I couldn't breathe, I COULDN'T BREATHE! I swung the boy into their midst, crunching and kicking my way to freedom. I was feverous, screaming, sweating, crying with angst and frustration.

"DIIIIEEE! DIE YOU BASHTARDSH DIIIIEEEE!"

I managed to get to my car in the carpark; they were all behind me, chasing, closing in. I opened the trunk and pulled out my sawn-off. I swung around and started cackling manically. They all slowed to a stop, turned and fled into the building. I chased after them, laughing and crying because I knew I had to do this. One of them was holding the door shut, but I shot him through the window. I ran in, shooting the ceiling, scaring them into a corner. Mwahahahahaha, they were mine! Mine!

That's when the armed response unit came in and shot my ass down.

Oh yeah, so, what I just can't help? Fucking swearing.

User Reviews

Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-10-06 20:23:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1

Nice "gig", Urkel.

Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-10-06 17:43:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

I approve!

Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-10-06 17:42:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

You're going to get banned.

Submitted by ubersucks (user info) at 2004-10-06 17:10:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

OH

Submitted by ubersucks (user info) at 2004-10-06 17:10:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

MAN

Submitted by ubersucks (user info) at 2004-10-06 17:09:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

AM

Submitted by ubersucks (user info) at 2004-10-06 17:09:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

FUCKING

Submitted by ubersucks (user info) at 2004-10-06 17:09:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

GREAT

Submitted by ubersucks (user info) at 2004-10-06 17:09:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

BABY!

Submitted by ubersucks (user info) at 2004-10-06 17:09:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

yeaH!

Submitted by ubersucks (user info) at 2004-10-06 17:08:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

I

Submitted by ubersucks (user info) at 2004-10-06 17:08:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

love

Submitted by ubersucks (user info) at 2004-10-06 17:08:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

this!

Submitted by ubersucks (user info) at 2004-10-06 17:08:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

wow

Submitted by ubersucks (user info) at 2004-10-06 17:08:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

uh!

Submitted by ubersucks (user info) at 2004-10-06 17:08:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

poop

Submitted by ubersucks (user info) at 2004-10-06 17:06:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

No Comment

Submitted by ubersucks (user info) at 2004-10-06 17:06:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

woo

Submitted by ubersucks (user info) at 2004-10-06 17:06:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Woo!

Submitted by ubersucks (user info) at 2004-10-06 16:54:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, I LOVE IT!

+2 +2 +2 +2 +2 +2 +2 +2 +2

Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-10-06 16:49:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

"A tweedy man jumped up indignantly. "I say stop it!" he cried, and ran/skipped over to me."
bahahah... "Fucking swearing."

Submitted by ubersucks (user info) at 2004-10-06 16:41:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Fucking YES!!!

Submitted by ubersucks (user info) at 2004-10-06 16:40:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

w00t!

Submitted by ubersucks (user info) at 2004-10-06 16:39:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

+2 +2 +2 +2 +2

Submitted by ubersucks (user info) at 2004-10-06 16:39:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

the BEST!

Submitted by ubersucks (user info) at 2004-10-06 16:39:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

This is amazing!

Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-10-06 16:38:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

i like the spin kick to the 5 year old's shins..that was clever.

Submitted by ruin_dc (user info) at 2004-10-06 16:36:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

*snorts cola through nostrils*

Submitted by ubersucks (user info) at 2004-10-06 16:29:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

OK so it's not about donuts, floor cleaner or vagisoothe, but I reserve the right to a story about that at a later date.